this one's a big job. I really appreciate anyone who takes a whack at it...

[mecheb]

I have done so much to figure out what is up with me and fix it, i don't want to have to drop out of school! i love school! i love it! but i can't, even, do the littlest things for myself right now let alone finish this much work for something i normally adore.

here is a list of information about me that may help you determine what may be wrong:  




sometimes my eyes can't focus and move about in one spot quickly without me being able to stop for a a good few seconds. happens about 2-3 times a month for 5-10 seconds to a long time(hour? more?) mildly.

i'm tired all the time

i can't remember anything - names take a good 4-6 times, or a particularly nice or interesting person. most of my childhood is blanktown.

my back aches often, horribly

i can't stop thinking at night so i can sleep

i sleep 12 hours at a time, wake up, am so tired that i go back to sleep, feel horribly and guilty when i awake at 1-3... waking at 12 is a big beautiful deal. -i can wake up for school though, and other things- but otherwise.

i'm obsessive to a point where even if i don't want to be, i still am

i get sad a lot

im hypersensitive to people and very emotional

my temper is short and i can't stop myself from crying under extreme confrontational situations.


used to be a very successful artist, i can't do art anymore
the dishes, the sewing i used to love, writing is hard and i love writing? drawing. no drawing. ever. that means i have to be alone and think.

i feel lonely a lot, and don't like being alone. i have a lot of friends but i feel very alone, i don't have a lot of close friends, i'm so strait forward that a lot of people are scared of me. i do not lie anymore, i am up front honest with everyone about nearly everything, and i'm not scared to say stuff, or object to something i think is wrong. it scares people away, people are used to being fake, external shells and never really connecting. i open to everyone. i connect more to strangers than i do people i know. i like talking with people about them, and helping them figure their life out, also. that seems to be my one passion. verbal communication. compassion exchanges.
- i look to people around me and that determines how i see myself. i am aware of this and am trying to stop this, but i am having a difficult time. depending on what kind of experience i have with another, my mood emerges. how i effect that person, negatively or positively? that makes me.

i get distracted constantly

i get very tense

anxiety ?

I can't sit still in a chair for a long time (trips out of classes, constant moving and readjusting in bed and chairs, not being able to sit and write or draw)

i've had a horribly traumatic and complicated childhood involving mental abuse, repeated abandonment and fear of, lack of communication and education, malnutrition (junk food meat and processed crap), lack of sleep (staying up till 5 am and sleeping till 2-4 from ages 5-?8? my memory doesn't work.) I exhibit many of the symptoms of child sexual abuse, and was most likely abused by one of my mother's drivers on accounta she'd leave me in a car with them in a parking lot all night when she was in a bar i wasn't allowed into by the bartender.
i have had traumatic physical abuses that were mild, but at young ages by my mother and my grandfather, both of which involved violent shaking. I am aware of both things? when repeated or simulated i react physically, i am beginning to be able to control these reactions.

my father has sleep apnea, hyperthyroidism, rheumatoid arthritis and dyslexia, all of which in the worst cases. he has very high blood pressure. he is an alcoholic and did a hell of a lot of drugs before i was born. he is 300 pounds and eats near nothing, and is trying but he's failing, so hard. but he's trying, finally.

my mother is psychologically disturbed, delusional, was a heroin addict before i was born and has done many many other drugs, has burning mouth syndrome and breast cancer in her history... extreme alcoholism and codependency... um, i don't know much about her but i do know her brain is not working right. she's lacking some sort of responsibility factor or, i have no idea. depression is a yes, for both parents i'll go and say.

-they misdiagnosed me with genital herpes when i was 3. i was tested recently and i don't have it! YES (my whole life, do you know what that does to a person? JEsus)
BUT, my mother's 'burning mouth syndrome' has been passed on to me it seems, and i realize that my symptoms as a child could very well be related to just that. they know little about the disease due to its rarity, and i think, thats what it is.

my diet has improved, i eat not so much meat and a lot of veggies, sometimes junk but not as much. not a lot of soda or sugar. not a lot of alcohol. not a lot of drugs, and only pot occasionally.

I have had at least 5 hard blows to the head either form falling, baseball bat (it was a game, no one tried to kill me) a mild car accident, and one unlit heavy fireplace.

I am 20, female, not overweight, 140 pounds, and i really appreciate you reading this far.
i ride my bike and walk enough to say i exercise.

thank you so much.

[Julie359]

Yeah just thought id add that ,from the right people, you will get alot of support on this site, that you will be surprised at how comforting this site can be, that in times where you feel you just cant do it anymore someone will come along and be a saviour.  

We are all here for you, you are not alone!!!

[mammo]

Great advice from the above posters!  You do sound depressed, and your childhood is blank for a reason, you don't want to remember it.  There is so much help for you thru therapy and medication, you can get your life back. When traumatic things happen to us as children we think we have forgotten them, but in reality they're still there and show up as depression and/or anxiety making us deal with them.  You've had a very tough childhood.  But with help you will no longer be a victim of the past, you will be able to let it go and get on with your life.  If you've not sought help please do, it will turn your life around.  You're not alone, we've dealt or are still dealing with this so know we understand and we're here to help and support you.  Take care..

[Julie359]

It sounds as if your suffering clinical depression, but you need to go see a psychiatrist to get a proper dignosis as no one on here is actually quailfied to dignose you.  But with the lack of concentration, lack of interest, intense sadness, tension etc.... it all points to depression.  Plus with your history of having an abusive upbringing you need to get referred to see a therapist.  Even though you say most of your childhood is a blank, you will be surprised what is buried in your mind, as when something is too painful to deal with or scares us and we just dont understand what is going on the mind often can shut off that memory and locks it away.  Then years later as we grow we may end up with ie, a fear that we just can not explain but it all stems from somewhere, its all in the back of your mind it just takes unlocking it.  


Just wondering though how long has these symptoms been bothering you?  And have you been to see your doctor and if so what has he/she said?

[studchick]

Need more info. Have you been to a counselor or a psychiatrist? Most of your childhood is blank and you know you have been abused = professional help! I have had the abusive childhood, the terrible fatigue, sleeping long hours and never feeling rested. You definately sound depressed and your childhood issues will screw up your life more and more if you don't get the right help! Why wait? There is help available! I urge you to see a professional and get a proper diagnosis and find an excellent therapist who can help you work through your abuse issues! Studchick