I don't know what I want!

[WorriedOne84]

Do I want to go back to college?  Do I even want to date?  Should I go to a different counselor?

All these things I keep thinking about yet I have no clue what to do about any of them.  I'm freaking out because I have my 3rd appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow to see if the me medication needs changing or adjusting.  I've been taking 10 mg of Lexapro everyday for the past 6 weeks.  Sometimes I think it has helped as my moods have been more stable.  However, I feel so negative about everything in my life.  My counselor asked me to think of 10 things that I like about myself - well, after a week, I've only managed to write down 1 thing.

I'm 26 and never have been on a date.  That is something that I think bothers me when I start thinking about things.  I'm afraid I'll end up alone.  However, I'm not even sure I want to date.  I don't know if it's just because I'm scared of what the experience will be like.  Right now, I have 3 different guys that are interested in me but I won't even go hang out with them as friends.  Even my former friends I won't even hang out with.  I just feel like such a failure and I don't want to be around other people that are achieving things in there lives, while I'm just stuck.

Lately, I've been thinking about going back to college.  It's probably stupid for me to consider this.  Reason #1 being I don't know if I can handle it.  Even though I'm just 4 classes away from having my 2-year degree, I've put off the classes that cause me the most stress, one being public speaking.  I've already dropped out of college 2 times because of that class.  Last week, I had a meeting at the local community college  to discuss my options given my anxiety issues.  They seemed willing to work with me on the public speaking but requested that I get a letter from my psychiatrist.  It's not just public speaking though, my life is controlled by worrying about what other people think about me.  Writing papers causes me so much stress, as I'm so critical of everything I write and think it all sounds stupid.  The remaining classes I need all involve writing papers/speeches (Eng 112, Public Speaking, Literature, and Art or Music Appreciation).

Even if the people at the college were to help me and I somehow get through those classes, what will I do from there?  I'd like to pursue a bachelor's degree in accounting?  I'm sure that would at some point involve making presentations...I can't do it!  I'm never going to be able to go on job interviews either.  How am I ever going to be able to get a decent job?  How will I ever be able to support myself?  I'm never going to have anything or be able to do anything I want to do!

I wish I wasn't so pathetic.  Medication and counseling aren't going to improve my low self-esteem.  I'm miserable but I don't know how to fix it.  People keep telling me that I'm doing the right things but I don't see any change at all.  I'm just getting more frustrated because when I try to do things to maybe help myself - like exploring the idea of going back to school - it only stresses me out and makes me upset that everything is so difficult for me.  Yeah, I can talk about my problems all day long but that doesn't mean I feel like I can do anything about them.  Another thing that is bothering me, I want to find another counselor.  I like the lady that I'm going to now but I get the feeling that she doesn't handle people like myself very often.  I just want to have some kind of plan or goals in place but I don't feel as though we are really working on things and I've had 8 or 9 sessions with her.

I know this post was incredibly long and most won't read it.  However, if you do and have time to respond, I would greatly appreciate hearing for someone.  I just really need someone to talk to right now even if you don't address all my whining.

[AnnieBrooke]

It is not necessary to do public speaking if you are an accountant.  If you like accounting, go for it.  Just don't apply for any job that says "public speaking" in the description.  I don't think my CPA has ever given a speech in his life or made a presentation (to more than the person whose taxes he is doing) either.  

[jul04]

It seems like you are stuck in a vicious cycle and it is really adding to your anxiety.  You keep going over things in your head and stressing out over what to do.  I suggest you take a step back from the college/career stuff, even for just a day or so.  Give yourself a break from thinking about it.  You don't have to decide anything today and once you do make a decision it isn't carved in stone.

I would also suggest that if you feel as if your therapist isn't the right one for you then you need to find a new one.  Don't worry about hurt feelings, worry about you.  You have to do what is right for you.  As far as the meds go maybe the Lexapro isn't the one for you.  Sometimes it takes trying different ones until you find the right one.  I think that once you find the right medication you will start gaining more self confidence and then you will start looking at things differently.  

You have to keep reminding yourself that you are not worthless because you are not.  I believe that you will start getting better once you find the right combination of meds and the therapist that works for you.  Please stop thinking that you won't amount to anything because that isn't the case, that is the anxiety talking..

I really hope you feel better....Keep me posted.....