Today, like every other day for the last 21 years, I woke up and wondered if today was going to be a "good" day or a "bad" day. A good day meaning I could be relatively normal, not let my panic attacks control me, be able to talk myself down, be able to eat, be able to sleep, and basically just be free of the old ball and chain (anxiety). Or would it be a bad day? The kind of day where out of nowhere your assaulted with symptoms beyond your control, everything is a reason to be terrified, and you watch the disappointment blossom on your loved ones faces as you state that you are not leaving the house today. And so, again, I think to myself; what would it be like to control this horrid illness? This illness that no one can really understand unless they live with it. This illness that steals you from your family and friends, you job, your very self. What would it be like to just decide, I'm done. I'm finished anxiety. I'm through with nights where I never sleep more than 2 hours at a time only to awake in a panic, I'm through with hot faces, upset stomachs, headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, chest pains, choking feelings, trembling, sore necks, headaches, and nausea. I'm done. I wonder what it would be like to be done with which foods "seem safe" and be able to eat something based on what I enjoy or don't enjoy. What would it be like to go to a restaurant and not be afraid? What would it be like to say yes to my kids, yes, I'll come to your play. Yes, I'll have a parent teacher conference. Then actuall show up. What would it be like to hold my husbands hand because I love him and enjoy being close to him NOT because he is my lifeline? What if there were no what ifs? What if diseases didn't scare me? What if cars didn't terrify me? What if I didn't want to go to work because I wanted to play hooky and have fun not because I couldn't get over my fear of being in a car? What if I did have fun? Do I even remember joy? What if I could go to church and not spend every minute in my own personal hell? What if I was good enough? What if I was "normal" and my greatest fear was whether or not I got a promotion or if I could pay the electric bill? What if instead of dreading my college graduation because I will hate to sit there in the crowd of graduates trapped, I felt accomplished for finally graduating after years of coping with panic in a classroom? What if I could just get up out of my bed and go for a walk? Or a drive on a Sunday afternoon? Or have a glass or a bottle of wine without being afraid? Thats the world I dream of...