Aa
Suicidial Ideation
I have lived in a hellish nightmare for going on two years now after a bad experience with LSD. A full blown panic attack/anxiety was what I came out of the drug trip with, and since then I have dealt with feelings of paranoia, intrusive thoughts, and severe anxiety.
In December of 2009 I was prescribed Prozac and took it for about 6 months. However, for the first time ever, I started to have these strange obsessions with killing myselg, particularly from heights. I never really feared heights, up until one moment where I was standing on the ledge of a building and was gripped with the morbid reality that I could easily jump if I wanted to. I guess that shook me to my core, and ever since I have had a strangely crippling fear of heights. And now, especially in times of high stress and anxiety, I find myself not just fearing suicide, but sometimes even playing tricks on my mind that it would be a good idea.
My thoughts seem to always be self-defeating, and no matter how much I combat them, I go in circles and tell myself reasons why my fears are legitimate. In the case of committing suicide, I tell myself a myriad of reasons why I can or should or will do it. It also seems to be largely based on a fear that I will lose control, or that reality will break down before me (Perhaps this is trauma as a result of my reality crushing experience with LSD).
I do have times where I am happy and hopeful, and this usually is in the day time. But every single night, I go into this dark world of fear, paranoia, and begin to fill my head with doom scenarios and that everything will turn unreal around me.
I have been in and out of Psychiatrist's offices, therapists offices, and even spent almost a week in the Mental Hospital after a panic attack that felt unreal and everything seemed to be fake and I started questioning reality. Because my therapist was unsure if I would maybe act on my intrusive suicidal thoughts, she suggested I go to the hospital; I gladly agreed.
Does anyone have any advice? I feel trapped and am living in the constant overwhelming fear that nothing will get better, that I am going to go insane or that nothing is real and everything is an illusion, or that I will some day lose control and act out on my strong impulsive thoughts to want to commit suicide. And I don't want to do that, hence why I am writing here.
In December of 2009 I was prescribed Prozac and took it for about 6 months. However, for the first time ever, I started to have these strange obsessions with killing myselg, particularly from heights. I never really feared heights, up until one moment where I was standing on the ledge of a building and was gripped with the morbid reality that I could easily jump if I wanted to. I guess that shook me to my core, and ever since I have had a strangely crippling fear of heights. And now, especially in times of high stress and anxiety, I find myself not just fearing suicide, but sometimes even playing tricks on my mind that it would be a good idea.
My thoughts seem to always be self-defeating, and no matter how much I combat them, I go in circles and tell myself reasons why my fears are legitimate. In the case of committing suicide, I tell myself a myriad of reasons why I can or should or will do it. It also seems to be largely based on a fear that I will lose control, or that reality will break down before me (Perhaps this is trauma as a result of my reality crushing experience with LSD).
I do have times where I am happy and hopeful, and this usually is in the day time. But every single night, I go into this dark world of fear, paranoia, and begin to fill my head with doom scenarios and that everything will turn unreal around me.
I have been in and out of Psychiatrist's offices, therapists offices, and even spent almost a week in the Mental Hospital after a panic attack that felt unreal and everything seemed to be fake and I started questioning reality. Because my therapist was unsure if I would maybe act on my intrusive suicidal thoughts, she suggested I go to the hospital; I gladly agreed.
Does anyone have any advice? I feel trapped and am living in the constant overwhelming fear that nothing will get better, that I am going to go insane or that nothing is real and everything is an illusion, or that I will some day lose control and act out on my strong impulsive thoughts to want to commit suicide. And I don't want to do that, hence why I am writing here.
I am not currently taking anything, as I have tried quite a few anti depressants and the side effects just seemed to make things worse. I will look into Risperidone. I think it's similar to Seroquel which I am currently prescribed along with Celexa.
I have been pretty damant about beating this on my own without meds, but it all truly feels chemical, and I totally know what you mean about the cyclical nature of it. It's just hard to realize that when you're deep in the throngs of the depression/dark thoughts/ anxiety or whatever it is. I also tend to really tell myself that it's going to get worse, or this time it'll be the end, and have strange obsessions about dates or significant times in my lfie being the climactic end to it all. Obviously I logically try and fight these ideas, but the anxiety prevails. Sometimes I don't even have anxiety, sometimes it is just a numb feeling to go along with the thoughts, so I am not even always sure it's 'anxiety', I just figure i'm going crazy or am completely doomed.
But thank you for the answer. Usually when I post on here people just tell me to go see another doctor, and I think we all know how little help they sometimes can be.
I have been pretty damant about beating this on my own without meds, but it all truly feels chemical, and I totally know what you mean about the cyclical nature of it. It's just hard to realize that when you're deep in the throngs of the depression/dark thoughts/ anxiety or whatever it is. I also tend to really tell myself that it's going to get worse, or this time it'll be the end, and have strange obsessions about dates or significant times in my lfie being the climactic end to it all. Obviously I logically try and fight these ideas, but the anxiety prevails. Sometimes I don't even have anxiety, sometimes it is just a numb feeling to go along with the thoughts, so I am not even always sure it's 'anxiety', I just figure i'm going crazy or am completely doomed.
But thank you for the answer. Usually when I post on here people just tell me to go see another doctor, and I think we all know how little help they sometimes can be.
Also read up on depersonalisation, maybe google it, the feelings of nothing being real is what this is.
p,s Risperidone is normally taken every day just before bed, however you can take it at anytime during the day, it takes roughly an hour to kick in but when it does your mind just calms, its like someone turns off the washing machine spin cycle and you feel like you can breath again.
Please chat to your doc and maybe ask them about this and see what they say. I take 0.5mg tablet, the maximum dose per day is 4mg, so there is plenty of room to take when needed, but personally I only need 1 tablet when needed but we are all different.
Please chat to your doc and maybe ask them about this and see what they say. I take 0.5mg tablet, the maximum dose per day is 4mg, so there is plenty of room to take when needed, but personally I only need 1 tablet when needed but we are all different.
Hi, well the good thing is that you really don't want to do it, your taking all the right actions. You went into hospital gladly and your searching for help so try to see this as a massively positive step that u have taken.
I am and have been exactly where you are, I dip into such dark thoughts and become so severely anxious I just can't see a way out of it and have thought of suicide, however what I did was I began to journalize all my thoughts and after a few months I started to notice a pattern and triggers that set me off. Also I realised that these days or weeks never lasted, it always ends and so when I dipped into the suicidal thoughts and feelings I tell myself it won't last and I ride the waves until it passes. I don't use any anti-d's, am allergic to them so I tend to take med's as and when I need to. In times of crisis I take Risperidone which is normally used for pyschosis but in smaller doses is used for anxiety and is very sedating, so helps immensly with intrusive and paranoid thoughts, it really does allow the mind to think more clearly. Maybe you could speak to your psychiatrist and ask about taking something like this.
So are you taking any medication now? Why did you come off the Prozac so quickly? Do you think it was the Prozac that started the suicidal thoughts? It is well known that anti-d's can cause or increase suicidal thoughts or actions esspeically in the first few months of starting it.
Just know that you arn't alone and that even though my wasn't started by drug use, it sounds like we have both been in the devils grasp, I understand how you feel. It does get better, just keep hold of that and take one day at a time.
Take care
I am and have been exactly where you are, I dip into such dark thoughts and become so severely anxious I just can't see a way out of it and have thought of suicide, however what I did was I began to journalize all my thoughts and after a few months I started to notice a pattern and triggers that set me off. Also I realised that these days or weeks never lasted, it always ends and so when I dipped into the suicidal thoughts and feelings I tell myself it won't last and I ride the waves until it passes. I don't use any anti-d's, am allergic to them so I tend to take med's as and when I need to. In times of crisis I take Risperidone which is normally used for pyschosis but in smaller doses is used for anxiety and is very sedating, so helps immensly with intrusive and paranoid thoughts, it really does allow the mind to think more clearly. Maybe you could speak to your psychiatrist and ask about taking something like this.
So are you taking any medication now? Why did you come off the Prozac so quickly? Do you think it was the Prozac that started the suicidal thoughts? It is well known that anti-d's can cause or increase suicidal thoughts or actions esspeically in the first few months of starting it.
Just know that you arn't alone and that even though my wasn't started by drug use, it sounds like we have both been in the devils grasp, I understand how you feel. It does get better, just keep hold of that and take one day at a time.
Take care
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Anxiety Community
Find out what can trigger a panic attack – and what to do if you have one.
A guide to 10 common phobias.
Take control of tension today.
These simple pick-me-ups squash stress.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
Want to wake up rested and refreshed?
