do truly gay people ever doubt to themselves that they are gay?

[ihatethiscrap]

im talkin about when they first realize it.. do they ever think "crap what if im gay?" or "i might be gay?" or do they just know it all along.

i think ive been suffering from hocd. ive posted on here a couple times now (people who have replied to my other posts are going to probly get frustrated when they see this one). but ive been told that if i truly was gay i would know. but i dont know.. i THINK. i MIGHT be.. ive had heterosexual experiences. and i thought i liked them. but what if i thought i like that just cus i didnt know i was truly gay and would enjoy a gay experience more?. when i first looked at gay porn it freaked and grossed me out. but i tried it recently and it wasnt as bad as it was.. still id like to think that it was kind of disturbing. but my thoughts are so distorted i think right now that idk what i find disturbing and what i dont.. i dont want to be gay.. but its startin to feel inevitable.

now when i get gay thoughts i think maybe its not so much hocd as repressed feelings that im ashamed of? i know these sound like the typical hocd questions but i just cant put down in writing what im truly going thru it feels like..

new people reading this read my other posts too if you like and tell me what you think. id appreciate it..

and ps. im guna see a counselor as soon as i get to school.. i just want a few more questions answered..

[ihatethiscrap]

thanks for replyin man i have good friends, some of the best friends, but again i never get turned on by them. even in the locker room n stuff. but the more i think of it the more the thoughts come back...
oh and just google HOCD.
but yea i hope i have that horrible disease. my dad has been deceased since i was 12. and ive envyed some guys for what they have, but never had any sexual thoughts towards them, i dont think.. but yea. im just strugglin right now. i think so much about it that im startin to think im asexual.. (neither attracted to guys or girls)

have u ever watched straight/lesbian porn and got turned on?

im pretty sure this is all just a mess in my head, much like when i thought i was schizophrenic.. but man.. its killer

respond asap. please.

[naturalone69]

My dear friend, let me start by saying, what i think you are does not matter I t should not matter to ANYONE!!! What should matter is you sound like a warm and caring guy!!Your sexuality is for you to explore and NO ONE to exp[loit it or mess with you. It sound like there are some others on here who feel the same. I can be a friend and tell you how i feel and my experinces but your is your own and nobody elses. DO NOT get mine confused with yours. Your unique with different emotions, feelings, and experiences.

As far as if I find women attractive, yes I do but not in a sexual way. I have thought about trying it, but never did. I am kinda scared, but I am what is referred to as a bottom. I am sure you can figure that out. I do not able to sustain a top level and not sure even with a woman whether thats just nerves and insecurity or not i am not sure. I possibly one day. I suspect nits nerves since I feel every so often I could try on my own or with a guy or feel as if i could with another guy.

As far as hoc, i am not sure what that is, could you explain?

As far as denial to myself!! If there was any it was slight. I would say more scared than anything. I remember was I was roughly 7 or 8 and there was a guy who had a camper on the property between out two buildings and I wanted to lie down with him and felt a sense of feeling and warmth towards him. My problem may have stemmed from not having a father and not knowing what was a normal feeling and not. some guys will look at another guy in the face and just watch them as if to study. I felt if I did that someone would be bothered or mad. I grew up with many friedns cause I was abused by one very badly contnually and a teacher of very old school so I became a loner and was easier that way. I  never had that warmth with a man except occasionally from my grandpa and such a desire to be excepted and have some warmth. I told my mom was I was 13 i had an experience and she was shocked and said "You like that sort of thing". her brother was gay so i guess she could not take her son being that way. she wanted to be a grandmother so badly and due to her bad health and being scared told me repeatedly as a child how she could live with me and my wife when i get married and look after the children> i care about her but being a child it was kinda hard to me it was personal and I was not ready for that sort of thing and it made it hard as some other things occured as well. Later on mom would also refer to my grandma referencing my at work and her at home adn being Like a husband and wife, where the husband goes to work and the n wife stays home. The husband should be able to come home and not do much since he has put in a busy day. I repeated there is such a diff and grandma was horrified. I feel  that she has some mental health issues and this made me uncomfortable along with a teacher being very abussive in school. It terrified me, So i would say mainly scared, but some denial  but being found out and yet wanting liberation, freedom from feelings or comfortable with my feelings.

Well my friend youn said you dont get turned on at all, that in itself should help you with some feelings. I can me an affectionate guy. I remember as a child being abused and thinking maybe i should turn towards girls and wont get hurt so much but truth be known it did not matter so much. One girl would stick her nails deep into my arm or scrap my arm. a few were kinda arbasive a bit or not friendly and that hurt so I went back to guys and I guess having a very abusive uncle and abuse in the family as a whole I feel subconsciously it was to be accepted. i kept going back to a guy who through rocks at my head, beat me up and spat on me. . For years into adulthood I would shake and break down if a woman raised her voice. or anyone was abusive. even sexually with a guy I would feel much more satisfied just lying together and falling asleep cuddling. why theres nothing other that pure care and warmth. sex, anyone can bang someone, but I sometime so want some affection even if it was a guy just hugging me and saying they care. and a feeling as if im ok just where i am and they accept me that way., but allowing me to build up to the person i want ot become.

anyways, i rambled on and got sidetracked. Look bud ther are reasons for feelings and needs. you are a normal guy!! be true to yourself and be patient. People have a better time to some degree than when I was a child sincethings are to some degree more acceptable, but still difficult. just find the right people who care and love you for who you are and you know what you might be straight and your a cool guy just for being you!!!!! DO NOT let anyone try to decide for you and keep true. my things was talking about it and having friends close enough. i pray that you ahve warmth in your friends bud and you know your loved.

Take care and always willing to chat!!!


Aaron

[ihatethiscrap]

thanks for that response.. you were very clear in your responses and experiences. my gay brother made me do some things when i was little and i do remember i felt uncomfortable about it, but thats the only gay experience i had. after reading what you said im almost positive im straight.. im back up at school now and i noticed some hot girls without even thinkng about it. in fact my "hocd" was hardly even there. i was still a whimp in hitting on them tho... i have a few more questions.. do you think hocd is a real condition? or just a form of denial? and do you find girls attractive at all? other than just being curious... i think that my hocd stems from me just being curious, because of past "problems" while hooking up with girls.. i still find them attractive, but now followed by that feeling is a feeling of guilt and depression cus i think whats the point if i might be gay? and then i just feel bad for a while after that... ive considered  myself straight up until this. of course ive always wondered if others thought i was gay n whatnot but i think thats just normal.

and when i ask if you were ever in denial i mean were u ever in denial to yourself? like you just absolutely did not want to accept it? and after thinking back, i used to check out guys as an early teenager, but im pretty sure the feelings were just envy and not sexual arousal. i dont get turned on at all by other gay people.. but its like i have 2 people up in my head saying two opposite things..

what do you honestly think i am?

[naturalone69]

I wasnt quite sure. At a young age i knew i liked guys bodies and wanted to explore. Now was that cause of soemthing that happened as an infant and 4 yrs old, i do not know. I had a father who was very abusive and would have sex with other women in front of mom. I wonder based on my visualiizaton at 4 if i wasnt abused in some form at least viisually. I recently went to saskatoon at the begining of this year. I met some nice guys and really like chatting,. At the end there were a few, straight mind you, who  said goodbye and gave a hugg. a few yrs ago i would not have wanted it since i was assulted and abused and was in no mind set for even being touched. However, it felt good. I acctually felt someone liked me for who i was as a person. they did not knwo i was gay. maybe suspected, i do not know. but since i have always been scared of someone knowing and abuse in my life, i became a loner all the way from grade school until a few yrs ago. i only really started to talk to people about 10 yrs ago. now what do i mena. i would talk before but i mean other than something what was needed, such as work related or other things. i felt what i had to say did not matter to people and a teacher who use to scream and stab pencils in us and crack rulers across desks scared the living hell out of me. So in answer to your question did i deny or have any doubts. I guess i did. realize one thing my friend. it was not accepted when i was a kid. in calgary alberta it was only in the 1990's when a person could not be kicked out of their apartment any loonger for being gay. things have changed so so so much in such a short time. i still dont tell everyone . its from my socialization people know and not from me really saying. i have a few old school friends who are on facebook and i would love to tell some, but to be honest i am a little afraid, why, cause i am starting to adjust from being a loner and maybe im afraid at this point of possibly lossing what i have. i think they suspect but they wont ask or push. i just have to gradually feel them out. remember one thing we all came from the same generation. things have changed but there can be still some mindsets. Even equality has changed so much since i was a child. you are lucky my friend in ways to be born into this generation. I am also a christian and believe in christianity. that also plays a factor. its not as easy as one sees it. my uncle was gay and everyone knew it. he was not shy, but unfortunately he was gay during the wrong period and he died. my  first real experience was at 13 with a so called friend. i felt embarrased and told my mm. her response, was "you actually liked it' that scared me alot. i came out to her as an adult and then went back in several times hoping to let her know but got scared. i hoped that maybe she might climatize,lol. so in answer to your question yes i denied it, and as far as doubts, i would say i never outright made a decision so that helped as well. i would say i not quite doubted but was curios about females. but more attracted to males. i guess going back for abit. when i came home from saskatoon, for the first time i did find myself feeling as if i possibly could be with a female. that was ion part cause i felt i could be myself with guys and feel that sense of warmth so i in turn was able to feel somewhat validated. i did get back into my old habits though. i have been going through a lot of counsellling since i suffer from anxiety and depression from all the abuse and my sexuality. I have never had a sexual encounter with a woman, and yes i would love to try it. i am scared since i am not sure if she may discover , or i will not be good in bed. i have always ben worried i may not be the kind of man i  should be.

so my friend i am still discovering. I have to be open as i am to the facts that there are different variables in my life. thats why i say be true to yourself and let no one decide for you. this is the time my friend you WILL discover who truly loves you and is your friend. your frineds male or female will love you for who you are and NOT for what they feel they can get out of the realtionship. remember one thing!! if you belive in god. he loves you for exactly who you are. and no matter what confusion one has, stress they have, or problem in their life. there is NOT one person better than another on this earth. also please i really do mean this. If you EVER decide to try out a gay experience. dont EVER believe if they say they are safe. there are ones that are, but its not worth your health. i always wear a condom and even still i make sure they pull before they complete. i dont even trust fully in oral. there is not any exchange. i have been tested and am absolutely safe. i say this in part cause if your new and not sure of things you dont want to meet the wrong person. now having said that it can be so in the straight community too. all i am saying is be cautious, especially since you may very well be straight. you dont want to ruin you chances of a beautiful and meaningful relationship with a woman. if someone does not understand they are not worth the effort. you can always ask me questions since i am a gay male.you will go through ups and downs, POSSIBLY!!!! look i am here as a friend. If you want i am here to listen as with others. i hope this helps a bit. i hope to chat again and maybe even chat on other things as well if you wish. Take Good Care!!!!

[naturalone69]

Thanks!! I like to think I care alot. Unfortunately it can mean i get abused from caring as well. I just now what its like and dont like what i see often in the gay community. I see myself no different than a heterosexual. The truth be known though its really no better in the hetero life as there is so much break up and divorce. Its sociaty that needs a change. I think as my counsellor says be kind and comapssionate to ones self and others. We rush in too quickly. Its the way the coomunity is. Everything is on the rush and your pretty much old is your over 25-30. i mean come on!!! The day we look at each other and take the time to develop a friendship and get to knwo the other person and then maybe date is the day I think a lot of problems will ease. However the way its geared and because one is considered old after a young age, it does not lend much for these adaptations. We have to change the way we look at things,. You know I was in my early 30's and one guys in his 50's wanted to have sex with me. I was not interested. He nicely persisted and i nicely rejected and this went on for awhile. I got to know him and liked what i saw. I ended up having sex with him and you know what! We saw each other everytime he came back to the city. Why? I go to klnow him and all of a sudden It want just looks but his persoanlity that shawn, and even better he was a very warm person and gentle. unfortunately any one I have been with and really liked was bi. My darn luck!! the point is we need to look at things differently and when we do I think we will be happier and I think we will gain wider acceptance by the straight community. it might now be easy on gays and lesbians and bi's by far, but there are some who are descent and truly care. one just has to look!!  To be very honest its not all about sex withme, its about having a peson in my life who is warma nd caring. i have been with guys who there was no sex just cuddling and falling asleep and to be honest that meant more to me than any sex could ever mean. reason!! because its real. we are humans and not animals and thats where the real test comes in, when we see each other are humans and not just sexual. Do i get happy seeing an attractive guy, yes! but theres far more than just the sex.

[ihatethiscrap]

im startin to think im gettin over the hocd stuff and i think im startin to realize it was just a phase cus the anxiety and stuff is going away. but i have some questions.. when did you first realize you were gay? and at first did you want to deny it or have any doubts at all? have you ever had any heterosexual experiences? and do u get turned on by women at all?