Aa
fear of being a bad person, unworthy of love, etc
Hello all,
I am a 24-year-old female.
I have had a therapist tell me that I have a form of OCD, but then a psych tell me a year or two later that I don't... it's very confusing... Now she thinks I may have borderline personality disorder but honestly, I just don't think so. My obsessive thoughts rule a great deal of my life, and all my depression seems to stem from them, specifically. Besides... I've never really heard of BPD occurring in children... (have you?)
I have been fairly obsessed for most of my life with being a good person, and being afraid that I am a bad person. This started in childhood, when I was about 9 years old. It began with me confessing to my mom just about everything I'd ever done wrong or thought I'd done wrong. She would tell me it was okay, but then I just couldn't let it go, whatever it was... until the next obsession came along. I still worry obsessively about things I did in my childhood and am convinced that they make me unworthy of my family, friends and boyfriend's love.
Most of my childhood obsession revolve around a period of time when I was 7 years old and learned about sex from the kids at school and then from my mom. I guess I was totally overwhelmed and fascinated with it, then again, so were most of my friends, it seemed. I did some kind of weird stuff back then, I guess just out of sheer curiosity. I have a couple memories in particular that torture me: Being desperately curious about sex and what it was like and thinking, "Hey, my brother's a boy, maybe I could have sex with him!" I remember going into his room and pulling at his diaper, I guess thinking about having sex with him. He would have been about 3. I don't remember touching him at all, though, just pulling at his diaper. We were both laughing. But I guess I've always thought that it was really really bad and that I did something I just don't remember, something awful. I also remember dancing naked in front of the window when I was 7, when I saw that our neighbors were awake across the street with the light on. I was pulling at my vagina and I guess showing it off or something. I don't really think that anyone saw me. Anyway, it's those two memories that absolutely torture me. As far as I know, this intense sexual interest in my childhood only lasted a few months or a year or so, and then I think I lost interest. And by 9, I was feeling intensely guilty about that period of time when I was really interested in sex, believing myself to be a very bad person. I guess those are the two memories that my mom was the most surprised at when I told her as a 9 year old, and for some reason her reaction stays with me.
It's hard for me to even confess all of this anonymously. I'm still afraid that someone will read this and think that I really did do something that was really screwed up. Deep down I really do think I'm a pretty normal person, I'm an artist and writer and I guess pretty sensitive... but I obsess and obsess over these things until I want to die. I've had a lot of other obsessions in the past, fear of having AIDS, fear that I secretly hate my family, hearing terrible thoughts in my head, being afraid I'll hurt someone, etc, etc. I also have a fairly obsessive fear about getting pregnant regardless of how protected I am.
Does anyone else obsess about their childhood? I guess my compulsion would be that I feel the overwhelming urge to confess to people (still,) everything that I've ever done wrong. I feel that they can't possibly love me without knowing the "truth", and on some level I think I want to be told that I really am an evil person in order to justify the anxiety.
I'm afraid that by "confessing" this to you (any of you,) that I have just acted out my compulsion again. I always get temporary relief from confessing, but it never ever lasts. I guess it would just be good to know if other people have obsessions with being a good person or being evil or unworthy, and if they try to justify this belief by picking out things from the past.
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry this is so long, but it does feel good to write it down... (for the first time)
thank you
good luck to all,
tara
I am a 24-year-old female.
I have had a therapist tell me that I have a form of OCD, but then a psych tell me a year or two later that I don't... it's very confusing... Now she thinks I may have borderline personality disorder but honestly, I just don't think so. My obsessive thoughts rule a great deal of my life, and all my depression seems to stem from them, specifically. Besides... I've never really heard of BPD occurring in children... (have you?)
I have been fairly obsessed for most of my life with being a good person, and being afraid that I am a bad person. This started in childhood, when I was about 9 years old. It began with me confessing to my mom just about everything I'd ever done wrong or thought I'd done wrong. She would tell me it was okay, but then I just couldn't let it go, whatever it was... until the next obsession came along. I still worry obsessively about things I did in my childhood and am convinced that they make me unworthy of my family, friends and boyfriend's love.
Most of my childhood obsession revolve around a period of time when I was 7 years old and learned about sex from the kids at school and then from my mom. I guess I was totally overwhelmed and fascinated with it, then again, so were most of my friends, it seemed. I did some kind of weird stuff back then, I guess just out of sheer curiosity. I have a couple memories in particular that torture me: Being desperately curious about sex and what it was like and thinking, "Hey, my brother's a boy, maybe I could have sex with him!" I remember going into his room and pulling at his diaper, I guess thinking about having sex with him. He would have been about 3. I don't remember touching him at all, though, just pulling at his diaper. We were both laughing. But I guess I've always thought that it was really really bad and that I did something I just don't remember, something awful. I also remember dancing naked in front of the window when I was 7, when I saw that our neighbors were awake across the street with the light on. I was pulling at my vagina and I guess showing it off or something. I don't really think that anyone saw me. Anyway, it's those two memories that absolutely torture me. As far as I know, this intense sexual interest in my childhood only lasted a few months or a year or so, and then I think I lost interest. And by 9, I was feeling intensely guilty about that period of time when I was really interested in sex, believing myself to be a very bad person. I guess those are the two memories that my mom was the most surprised at when I told her as a 9 year old, and for some reason her reaction stays with me.
It's hard for me to even confess all of this anonymously. I'm still afraid that someone will read this and think that I really did do something that was really screwed up. Deep down I really do think I'm a pretty normal person, I'm an artist and writer and I guess pretty sensitive... but I obsess and obsess over these things until I want to die. I've had a lot of other obsessions in the past, fear of having AIDS, fear that I secretly hate my family, hearing terrible thoughts in my head, being afraid I'll hurt someone, etc, etc. I also have a fairly obsessive fear about getting pregnant regardless of how protected I am.
Does anyone else obsess about their childhood? I guess my compulsion would be that I feel the overwhelming urge to confess to people (still,) everything that I've ever done wrong. I feel that they can't possibly love me without knowing the "truth", and on some level I think I want to be told that I really am an evil person in order to justify the anxiety.
I'm afraid that by "confessing" this to you (any of you,) that I have just acted out my compulsion again. I always get temporary relief from confessing, but it never ever lasts. I guess it would just be good to know if other people have obsessions with being a good person or being evil or unworthy, and if they try to justify this belief by picking out things from the past.
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry this is so long, but it does feel good to write it down... (for the first time)
thank you
good luck to all,
tara
Dear Ash...
I have just read your post and it resonated with me. You are the only individual who has posted lately, thank heavens I have someone to chat to.
I became totally obsessed and fearful of doing wrong. Please, do not take the following the wrong way!
After a nasty episode in my life I decided a master reset was in order. I chose to do this through worship. Long story short, I took for granted that love of money (in my case) is seen by many (OBVIOUSLY the Church), as the root of all evil. I am a very much loved, well looked after, nurtured daughter of an investment banker, however; not understanding that obsessing with money is a failing, meant I could never address my actual wrong doing. Hence, a MASSIVE over compensation with EVERY mistake I could conceivably make. Maybe you have always quite innocently prioritised A wrong ideal? I think when you discover it you will smile.
God bless, I know you won't be kept suffering much longer.
I have just read your post and it resonated with me. You are the only individual who has posted lately, thank heavens I have someone to chat to.
I became totally obsessed and fearful of doing wrong. Please, do not take the following the wrong way!
After a nasty episode in my life I decided a master reset was in order. I chose to do this through worship. Long story short, I took for granted that love of money (in my case) is seen by many (OBVIOUSLY the Church), as the root of all evil. I am a very much loved, well looked after, nurtured daughter of an investment banker, however; not understanding that obsessing with money is a failing, meant I could never address my actual wrong doing. Hence, a MASSIVE over compensation with EVERY mistake I could conceivably make. Maybe you have always quite innocently prioritised A wrong ideal? I think when you discover it you will smile.
God bless, I know you won't be kept suffering much longer.
I know this was years ago and of course you're not reading this by now.
But thank you. I'm turning 31 this year and I've spent most of my life wondering how anyone can like me. How can anyone see me as a good person? How did I manage to marry such a good man like my husband?
For my whole life, I've felt like I was deceiving other people. My husband wanted to go back to school so I helped him sign up, I helped him get financial aid, I helped him with his first schedule. And now I wonder if I didn't force him into it. For years I've felt like I am using him, riding on his success as I attempted to pursue a career as a work-at-home independent contractor. No amount of assurance from him can make me feel like he's telling me the whole truth, that he must hate me for how little money I've brought into our relationship through the years.
And that's horrible, right? To doubt your husband so much. So then I feel bad for doubting him and thinking he's lying. But if he isn't lying, he's telling the truth and I can't seem to accept that.
I too obsess over things I did when I was in college, when I was in highschool, when I was a kid. I advise other people to let go and move on and yet I can't seem to do it. I seem to hold myself up to this impossible standard that I don't hold other people too. And I keep thinking, "If I can just accomplish this one thing, I'll feel fantastic. I'll feel perfect and successful. If I can just get this one thing right, I can be a responsible adult."
So thank you for showing me I'm not the only person who feels this way.
But thank you. I'm turning 31 this year and I've spent most of my life wondering how anyone can like me. How can anyone see me as a good person? How did I manage to marry such a good man like my husband?
For my whole life, I've felt like I was deceiving other people. My husband wanted to go back to school so I helped him sign up, I helped him get financial aid, I helped him with his first schedule. And now I wonder if I didn't force him into it. For years I've felt like I am using him, riding on his success as I attempted to pursue a career as a work-at-home independent contractor. No amount of assurance from him can make me feel like he's telling me the whole truth, that he must hate me for how little money I've brought into our relationship through the years.
And that's horrible, right? To doubt your husband so much. So then I feel bad for doubting him and thinking he's lying. But if he isn't lying, he's telling the truth and I can't seem to accept that.
I too obsess over things I did when I was in college, when I was in highschool, when I was a kid. I advise other people to let go and move on and yet I can't seem to do it. I seem to hold myself up to this impossible standard that I don't hold other people too. And I keep thinking, "If I can just accomplish this one thing, I'll feel fantastic. I'll feel perfect and successful. If I can just get this one thing right, I can be a responsible adult."
So thank you for showing me I'm not the only person who feels this way.
Hi Tara,
I know your message was posted so long ago, but I just wanted to tell you how grateful and overwhelmed I am to read that someone has experienced the exact same compulsive worries as me.
I want to thank you for making me feel that I'm not alone and that is so comforting. I have felt horribly anxious the last 2 years on and off and it came out of nowhere when I was out of a job and had to move back home again. Everytime I heard something horrible on the news or in the papers I would feel responsible, and after a while anxiety lead to lots of silly OCDs which then lead to me questioning everything bad I have ever done including when I was a child. If I am honest, this is the first time I have felt such great relief, just reading your message.
I hope you have overcome your worries now and wish you the best for the future, because nobody deserves to be consumed by pointless obsessive worrying and for it to interrupt enjoying life. I also just read another very useful comment that I will always try remember whenever I feel anxious - the very fact that someone spends so much time worrying about being a bad person shows that they have a great conscience which means you are a good person for actually worrying in the first place. (just maybe a bit too much :)
Thank you, again, for making me feel such comfort for the first time in a long time.
Really, thank you. I am so grateful and happy I stumbled onto this forum.
Lu
I know your message was posted so long ago, but I just wanted to tell you how grateful and overwhelmed I am to read that someone has experienced the exact same compulsive worries as me.
I want to thank you for making me feel that I'm not alone and that is so comforting. I have felt horribly anxious the last 2 years on and off and it came out of nowhere when I was out of a job and had to move back home again. Everytime I heard something horrible on the news or in the papers I would feel responsible, and after a while anxiety lead to lots of silly OCDs which then lead to me questioning everything bad I have ever done including when I was a child. If I am honest, this is the first time I have felt such great relief, just reading your message.
I hope you have overcome your worries now and wish you the best for the future, because nobody deserves to be consumed by pointless obsessive worrying and for it to interrupt enjoying life. I also just read another very useful comment that I will always try remember whenever I feel anxious - the very fact that someone spends so much time worrying about being a bad person shows that they have a great conscience which means you are a good person for actually worrying in the first place. (just maybe a bit too much :)
Thank you, again, for making me feel such comfort for the first time in a long time.
Really, thank you. I am so grateful and happy I stumbled onto this forum.
Lu
I am surrounded by real employees who have an ability to focus and fit in with society. I on the other hand am a subversive toad who can only survive through deceiving good people into believing that I am one of them. I would like you all to understand that I have nothing but distain for my character and the thoughts that rage uncontrollably in my brain. Uncontrollable is just another lie, I could improve and maybe even become one of those helpful members of society. Instead I take every opportunity to be selfish and self-absorbed. Everything I do has my own best interest at heart and never the people around me who seem to care about me; even though they are bound by the laws of family to care. My family, they are not to blame for any reason and carry no fault for issues of my own. I take full responsibility for the outcome of my existence. Every feeling of misery and distain I feel is that of my own creation. I was married once to a beautiful and caring girl. Her only fault in this world was her fantastic ability for caring for others which allowed her to be taken advantage of by scum like myself. I lived in an un-interrupted dream world with her for four years where her happiness was second or maybe third to whatever stupid **** I cared about that week. She is gone now, lost to me forever and all I have now is regret. My ability to think only of myself is what has made me so miserable. I shoulder all the blame, this is my fault. I am weak and insecure. The funny thing is I am viewed as a well adjusted and well liked trustworthy member of society by my peers. I don’t really understand how this happens as I do little to demonstrate kindness of strong character. This effect is slowly wearing off as I push 30 and the people around me begin to sniff out the massive amount of ******** I deal on a daily basis. I desire to be a good person, or maybe I just tell that to myself so I can sleep at night without nightmares of my past indiscretions coming back to haunt me. I have reached the end of my rope and I turn to the anonymous to get a few opinions on my next steps.
So what is wrong with us, who knows, Maybe its just the way our minds developed, or the things we aren't forgiving ourselves for that we did, that has some kind of deep inner effect.
I really can relate with you on this stuff, i mean really, i haven't discovered anyone who does relate.
I dont really fear about child hood, but i fear Becoming something totally evil, And a social reject by that evil. Im scared ill start lusting after terrible things.
But i deal with this all at the same time combating it with the only thing i know, and that's the Word of God, in the bible.
Not being a christian, i don't think i could bare it honestly.
I know God Exists, because he has saved me from my past Sins, all the horrible things i've done, and those are partly of which concern me that i don't want to be come more evil than that.
Im even a writer, Character designer and kind of just an imagination-person.
I love to create stuff...
Im just an 18 year old Christian, always enclosed, home schooled. and over exposure to the internet caused to much curiosity in my younger years.
It helps just THAT! much to know your forgiven though.
I guess i just have a little bit of a mental deficiency.
I had been A.d.d as well. though my mother had taken me off of Ridilin because of the rumored side effects. This was quite a ways back...
But yeah, we all did terribly dumb things, and i sympathize with that. The only way i know that can help me with any obsession of fear, is Jesus.
Some people say they can't shake it off, but you can either all together shake it off, or just get rid of it at least half way. With God, and i know cause i do suffer sometimes from the thoughts in my head.
WHAT IF the fear of what if. is just awful. What if i became a Sexual Deviant or some kind of thing.
But you gotta remember your morals, and stick to the laws of of what you know to be right and wrong. Scary stuff, the realm of the mind. You know i realized something though, i'm so far less alone than i thought. that helps...
The only escape i know is Jesus, and i mean that in Love and in my heart.
there is a song by a group called GTR, i just recalled.
When the Heart Rules the mind, one look and love is blind.
When you want the Dream to last, take a chance, forget the past.
maybe it kind of has something to do with it.
God bless you all, and i hope your all be okay. and be able to keep on keeping on.
( i never was counciled nor had taken drugs or anything for this problem, But i suppouse "The" councilor counts, doesn't it. I hope you guys may consider taking this way, because if i have the same problem, i can only assume that it must be hard with out God.)
I dont really fear about child hood, but i fear Becoming something totally evil, And a social reject by that evil. Im scared ill start lusting after terrible things.
But i deal with this all at the same time combating it with the only thing i know, and that's the Word of God, in the bible.
Not being a christian, i don't think i could bare it honestly.
I know God Exists, because he has saved me from my past Sins, all the horrible things i've done, and those are partly of which concern me that i don't want to be come more evil than that.
Im even a writer, Character designer and kind of just an imagination-person.
I love to create stuff...
Im just an 18 year old Christian, always enclosed, home schooled. and over exposure to the internet caused to much curiosity in my younger years.
It helps just THAT! much to know your forgiven though.
I guess i just have a little bit of a mental deficiency.
I had been A.d.d as well. though my mother had taken me off of Ridilin because of the rumored side effects. This was quite a ways back...
But yeah, we all did terribly dumb things, and i sympathize with that. The only way i know that can help me with any obsession of fear, is Jesus.
Some people say they can't shake it off, but you can either all together shake it off, or just get rid of it at least half way. With God, and i know cause i do suffer sometimes from the thoughts in my head.
WHAT IF the fear of what if. is just awful. What if i became a Sexual Deviant or some kind of thing.
But you gotta remember your morals, and stick to the laws of of what you know to be right and wrong. Scary stuff, the realm of the mind. You know i realized something though, i'm so far less alone than i thought. that helps...
The only escape i know is Jesus, and i mean that in Love and in my heart.
there is a song by a group called GTR, i just recalled.
When the Heart Rules the mind, one look and love is blind.
When you want the Dream to last, take a chance, forget the past.
maybe it kind of has something to do with it.
God bless you all, and i hope your all be okay. and be able to keep on keeping on.
( i never was counciled nor had taken drugs or anything for this problem, But i suppouse "The" councilor counts, doesn't it. I hope you guys may consider taking this way, because if i have the same problem, i can only assume that it must be hard with out God.)
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