starting to doubt its hocd :,(

[ihatethiscrap]

ive already posted on this once about wondering if i was hocd or just a gay in denial my whole life. and now that i keep thinking back to my past relationships with girls i start to freak out.

first of all, i can get an erection with girls. i mean i usually get half erections n stuff, , and when i start getting head it goes soft, until like maybe an hour later itl start getting hard again (rarely) then il finallly climax. and its like i can feel it getting hard, then it stops and goes limp, sometimes like its just dead, and this really freaks me out. ive tried so hard to have sex with my past girlfriends. and these girls were super fine too so its not like they werent attractive or anything..

another thing is i felt like i was preasured into asking my first girlfriend out. like i didnt want to myself. n i was terrified of it and was so nervous. but i got hard whenever i kissed her and stuff. ive always had crushes on girls and stuff growing up, but i was always so awkward and terrified around them. i still am too. like whenever im at a party and guys come up and say dude that girl thinks your hot i freeze up and get so terrified and just wish i could leave. even if the girl is good looking.

i dont want to experiment with guys to find out if i am gay, i think that would just be too weird and i would hate myself

il see attractive guys and have envy for them n whatnot but thats normal right? i still love the female body and want a relationship with them, but its like i know my penis wont perform so i think why bother and then feel depressed and lonely and ****.

ive never really had gay thoughts before this. except for like a couple years ago, but it wasnt this intense. my brother is gay btw could that have any effect? i had a gay dream once when i was little. and my brother preasured me n my friends into doing some gay stuff once when we were in like 6th grade, but i cant remember how i really felt about the situation.. but after that i havnt had any gay experiences, never had the desire to or anything.

i never noticed guys before this or thought i was gay or anything, i used to do things and think to myself what if that was gay? thats about it tho. now its like damn what if i really am gay and just didnt iknow it? i used to be able to get great erections watching porn and stuff (straight and lesbian). but now its like i have to give myself a lil assistance first. and i always fantasized about girls and stuff growing up so idk what the deal is.

and when i think about being with a guy i feel anxious and get depressed n stuff but also feel like that would save me from ever having to take risks and being anxious n stuff about being with girls. i usually dont get anxious with the ones ive already hooked up with tho. like im talking to this great, wonderful girl right now that i really like and stuff. but i think what about when i try and go to have sex with her and i wont get an erection? that is what im worrying about. does that make me gay?
i know this is a long post, and i havnt even said everything..
i have all of the symptoms of hocd, like constantly checking and 24/7 worrying and anxiety, but now the thoughts arent as repulsive, and that spikes my anxiety lke no other.
do people that first realize theyre gay have similar symptoms? or do they know theyre gay.. gah this *****.

ps. im a college athelete and never got aroused in the dressing room or anything seeing my teammates change and stuff. (but now im thinkin i might next time)

please read this and answer what you truely think, im seriously dying.. and also read my other post if you care to, itl give some more insight on the situation. this is the gayer side of the delema goin on in my brain.

[ihatethiscrap]

thanks. i have another question tho that hasnt really been made clear.. do gay people go through hocd when they realize they are gay? like if they thought they were straight before, then they realize theyre gay do they have similar feelings?

[nursegirl6572]

I understand the financial constraints.  A school counselor is a great place to start for you.  Just make the commitment to get the help you need, no matter where or how.  10 days may seem like a lifetime, but you've already been suffering this long....just hang in there.

If I were you, I would print out your threads here and show them to the counselor, that would put a lot into perspective.

Good luck!

[ihatethiscrap]

thats so expensive tho. im trying to wait to talk to my school counselor but that wont be for another 10 days.

[nursegirl6572]

Even if there was, that's not what you need.  You need face to face in person REAL help.  I wish you would at least try and have an evaluation done by a psychiatrist.  You need to start somewhere.

[ihatethiscrap]

is there a way to talk to a psychologist online? like this kind of forum thing?

[nursegirl6572]

You're flat out torturing yourself.  Gay or not gay, you need to seek some help.  This is becoming such an obsession that it is ruling your life.  We can't tell you if you're gay or straight....even though we're all pretty much in agreement that this is SCREAMING OCD.  

There is only one answer here for you to help yourself...professional help.  NOT trying to challenge your sexuality, or continue to obsess (which you are misinterpreting for soul searching).  Your brother is gay, I bet even when it was stressful for him to "come out", he never went through this...I bet he knew flat out.  Talk to him about this!

Also, now is NOT the time for to pursue a relationship with a girl (or boy).  You are basically trying to do "test runs" of your sexual reactions to girls and that is simply not fair.  You're not in a healthy place to even BEGIN considering starting a relationship.  Imagine how a girl would feel finding out she was just an "experiment"?  Get yourself help...a professional WILL help you sort through this and offer real reasons why it is either OCD or true homosexuality, and then be able to help you from there.  You're running in circles out of control and it is totally unnecessary!