4 yr old boy behavior when changing a new helper

[patlee628]

My son is 4 years old. We changed a new domestic helper last weekend. The pervious one has worked with us for two years. We informed my son one month ago that the old helper would leave us soon and back to home because she was going to take long vacation back to her home and a new helper auntie would come soon to help us. At the very first time, he said "NO', after couple of times talking to him, he seemed accepting this change. On the last day, we drove the old helper to the bus station and said goodbye. Thereafter, we went to pick up the new helper. Although he was a little bit shy, but everything went fine on the first day.
But I did a very wrong thing on last Sunday. When he was running in the mall and the new helper was tracing after him because she was afraid of him falling down. I asked him to stop and he didn't do so. Then I held and blamed him for a while. Thereafter, in the car, he pushed the helper out and asked her to sit in the front. I blamed him loudly to stop pushing. He stopped. In the past two days, (Mon & Tue), he beat and even punched the new helper. Now, I calm down. Even he beat the helper, we told him this new helper is very nice to him, you see, even you beat and punch her, she won't be angry with you. She is still playing with you and reading bed time stories to you.

Please advise what other should I do in order to let my son to accept the new helper. Moreover, the new helper is very cooperative, she requested us not to blame on him so that he won't be against her. She said don't let him think he blamed by daddy more often because of her arrival.

Thanks in advance.

[gitsum]

bring it up with a religious figure, such as a priest or pastor, it you have not already. 4 year olds will be 4 year olds, but a different perspective can't hurt either.  

[patlee628]

more of the kids like playing, we actually request the helper to play more with him in order to establish a good relationship between them, e.g. read him bed time story, follow his way to play with his favorite toys.
any other thing I can do?

[patlee628]

Annie,
actually, we do always pass the message to him that beating and yelling are not good. My wife and me seldom yell at him, but I just lost my control in a very unsuitable time. We alos taught him to respect all things, including people, toys and animals... etc. We never beat him becaue we want to give him a message of beating cannot solve problem. But still this time, we are facing a difficult situation but did a wrong thing. Hope will recover soon.
I will take your advice of
1) discuss with the help to kindly say NO first
2) stay with him more time to show more attention to him.
Thanks for your advices.

[patlee628]

RockRose,
the helper is a hired person and my son's mother is with us. His mother also spent a lot of effort to dealing with this problem. My wife didn't go to work in the past two days and stayed at home with them. She targets to return to her job after the helper can take care of the little boy totally. It seems still needs a period of time.

[RockRose]

By "helper" do you mean basically mean a hired person who serves in the role of his mother?  

[AnnieBrooke]

I would not allow my child to beat and punch another person, whether she is domestic staff or not (in fact, probably even more so if she was domestic staff.  It is degrading enough to be someone's servant without having to accept someone punching and hitting you as part of the job.  And that is even true when the person is a child).  

However, she is correct in asking you to play it calmly.  Your son has lost someone he doubtless counted on from the earliest days he can remember, and probably loved, and he is being asked to accept a stranger in her place.   "Blaming him loudly" will only escalate things, and it (as you recognize) was a bad mistake for you to do it.

If this were my son, I would talk with him about human dignity and boundaries, and point out that a good person does not strike or kick another person.  

Then I would sit down with your domestic helper and give the helper the ability to (nonviolently) handle it, such as to gently grasp his wrist and say "No thank you!" (this is the way my son's preschool handles it if a child is hitting).  And you should use the same language and the same calm approach, if he is hitting her in front of you.

In other words, you are trying to teach him dignity and self-control, and you have to model it yourself consistently...kids do what we do, not what we say.  In the meantime, I would address his probable sense of loss over the previous person leaving, by giving him reassurance, hugs and attention (at other times -- i.e., when he is behaving properly-- not when he has just hit his caregiver).

Good luck.