Disrespectful 9 year old

[aubrisol]

I have two children, (a nine year old boy and a 3 year old girl). My children have 2 different dad's and my son's dad died when my son was 1 1/2. My daughter's dad and I split up last July. He stepped up and assumed the role of dad to my 9 year old. Since about Septemeber/October he has almost completely backed out of my son's life and rarely talks to him. My 9 year old has been suspended from school 7 times this year. He has the potential to be a great kid, but he has developed a sense of not having to listen to any authority figure. He feels like he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and the consequences don't matter too much to him. He has an uncle with a 3 page rap sheet that he seems to idolize and I try to keep him away from that uncle. His grandma on his real dad's side of the family lets him get away with everything and his punishment while he is with her is being sent home. I have tried counseling and every punishment I could think of. I even went so far as to buy the Total Transformation Program which seems to work occasionally. I can't enforce my rules when he is with his grandparents while I am at work. I have told them what to do when he gets in trouble, but they don't follow through and then tell me that I have to do something with him because he won't listen to them either. I am at my wits end and looking for some advice on what else I could possibly try to straighten him out. It's pointless trying to talk to his step-dad because he won't listen to me and doesn't realize how much he has hurt my son. I don't think my son fully understands why he is feeling the way he is either, but he's basically been abandoned by the only dad he really knew. If anyone knows of anything I could possibly try to maybe help him understand his feelings and a better way of handling them and start listening.

[Sandman2]

   Two fairly complete references.  The first by the Arizona Supreme court
http://www.supreme.state.az.us/casa/prepare/adhd.html   -  also check out their section on Pharmacological Treatments.
    The second is from the University of Arizona and is one of the more complete reports I have seen - almost too much info  -  
         http://www.healing-arts.org/children/ADHD/#Neurobiological  -  See the section on  Neurobiological Theories: Pathophysiological Views   and more specific info here  http://www.healing-arts.org/children/ADHD/mri-imaging.htm

[bbxx]

Ugh, you are relentless. lol Please pm me with link to prove that they can measure the chemical imbalances in the brain, and how they measure it.  I would love to see this research.

[specialmom]

I'm bowing out too but . . . the brain chemistry connection was proven long ago.  Sorry but I had to . . .

[bbxx]

I just got your message. lol It seems we are playing message tag.
I will bow out of this conversation, I have said all I wanted to.
I have no hard feelings towards you or anyone for that matter.
Based on my experience and research I have my own opinions, and based on your experience you have your opinons. Its ok for us to not agree and I dont mind you having the last word. lol
Anyway---you dont know me, nor I you, but as a fellow human being, I mean no disrespect. :)

[bbxx]

The whole issue of brain chemical imbalance is not able to be proven.
I have had meetings with psychiatrists about this very thing, and THEY will admit that. They can not prove it.
There are psychiatrists out there in their own words admitting to the fact we really do NOT know what will happen to all these kids down the road. There are those admitting that no one can be certain how a brain altering medication will affect their child.
There are children placed on these drugs, only to start displaying bizarre behavior as  a result of the drug, and then doctors will often try to ad another drug to cover up that effect.
This is reality.
Sorry, but  I have worked with children for many years as well, and I dont agree with sandman.
FYI-one of the classic symptoms of adhd is a child having no respect for authority. Its also a classic symptom of sin, but no doubt you dont believe in sin and consequences.
I will continue to warn parents, and you can continue to do what you will. THis discussion has gone as far as it can go.

[specialmom]

I am under the assumption that most parents really would prefer NOT to use medication.  A few out there may be looking for a chemical babysitter or the ability to claim disability on their child-----------  but the vast majority of parents I come across in real life aren't thrilled with the idea of medicating their beloved child.  I know I wouldn't be.  

While I do agree that diagnosing of add/adhd was all the 'rage' a few years ago------ things in the mental health community have shifted slightly.  There is now a stigmatization to the diagnosis in which parents are made to feel like maybe it doesn't even exist and they are wrong for seeking full treatment that may or may not require medication.  

Brain chemistry is something important to understand. The reason why, for example, someone has depression of a clinical nature is because their brain chemistry is out of whack.  This is studied, documented . . . there are even pictures of what a brain of someone depressed looks like verses someone who is not.  What medication does in that instance is to right the chemistry.  It does alter the brain but back to the way it should be.  For years there was a stigma to taking antidepressants and it really hindered the treatment of those clinically depressed.  Not all required medication but to get better, many certainly did.  I'm thankful that while it still exists, the stigma is lessening in that regard so that people can get the help they need without public scrutiny.  

All medication have risks and I do not think all kids who are medicated should be.  I don't think it is the first line of handling children and would try other things first.  

Bringing to the attention classic symptoms of a known disorder is not jumping to something.  It means that you should look into that to rule it out or work on it if that is the problem.  Not sure why you would be opposed to that.  And Sandman has worked with kids for a few decades.  He has wonderful insight for families and actually is one of the good guys here for being pro kid and wanting to help them.  

There are those here that are vehemently against medication and I respect them and understand where they are coming from (and remember, I am not PRO medication and see it as a painful choice families have to make at times).  I like how they say what they have to say and also offer something positive that a family CAN do.