Aa
Disrespectful 9 year old
I have two children, (a nine year old boy and a 3 year old girl). My children have 2 different dad's and my son's dad died when my son was 1 1/2. My daughter's dad and I split up last July. He stepped up and assumed the role of dad to my 9 year old. Since about Septemeber/October he has almost completely backed out of my son's life and rarely talks to him. My 9 year old has been suspended from school 7 times this year. He has the potential to be a great kid, but he has developed a sense of not having to listen to any authority figure. He feels like he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and the consequences don't matter too much to him. He has an uncle with a 3 page rap sheet that he seems to idolize and I try to keep him away from that uncle. His grandma on his real dad's side of the family lets him get away with everything and his punishment while he is with her is being sent home. I have tried counseling and every punishment I could think of. I even went so far as to buy the Total Transformation Program which seems to work occasionally. I can't enforce my rules when he is with his grandparents while I am at work. I have told them what to do when he gets in trouble, but they don't follow through and then tell me that I have to do something with him because he won't listen to them either. I am at my wits end and looking for some advice on what else I could possibly try to straighten him out. It's pointless trying to talk to his step-dad because he won't listen to me and doesn't realize how much he has hurt my son. I don't think my son fully understands why he is feeling the way he is either, but he's basically been abandoned by the only dad he really knew. If anyone knows of anything I could possibly try to maybe help him understand his feelings and a better way of handling them and start listening.
I applaud parents that do their best to find out what they need to do to help their children.
There is no bandwagon for adhd in my opinion. It is a diagnosis given after criteria are met. I do not believe in medicating children right out of the gate but at times it is essential to help a child 'feel' better. Medication when their is a true diagnosis of adhd/add stabilizes the brain so that a person/child can function. Your fear of him not being normal on medication is contrary to the fact that if his physician feels it will help him------ it may actually be what he needs to feel normal. Certainly beats sitting by himself in isolation. This has a grave social impact on a child and whatever you need to do to help him at this point, would be important.
I am pro kid and at times, doing the hard thing of identifying WHY things are going a certain way in their life is what needs to be done. You are at that point. He could find the work difficult and hence, acting out is his alternative to doing it. He could be having emotional issues from the issue with his father. He could have the diagnostic criteria for adhd. But I think you really have to find out and not be opposed to any outcome. Remaining open minded will help you deal with whatever is going on in an effective manner to best help your son. I say this as a mother of a child with a developmental delay called sensory integration disorder which can make things like sitting in a classroom a nightmare. But I know why it is hard for him. And that knowing why allows me to figure out what to do about it. So, you need to find out why and not be afraid of it.
I went through a period of feeling fearful of a diagnosis and fought it a good deal. Our year of "limbo". I did no benefit to my son during that year. When I accepted it and took steps to help him----------- things got so much better. So, I just tell you this to give you hope that no matter what the outcomes of evaluations might be--------- it will be helpful to get some answers.
The book sandman mentions is good-------- please look into it. Another avenue to make sure you are taking with your son is in the area of physical activity. You list the sports------- this is excellent. My son has sensory integration disorder and we spend much time doing what they call "heavy work". Every day your boy should be doing something. We swim a lot which is that combination of heavy muscle work and deep pressure that is very calming to the nervous system. We recently went rock climbing at an indoor facility. We jump on trampolines. We do obstacle courses. Even the monkey bars several times has a calming effect. So do a LOT of that!
Also, some of what you describe sounds like "class clown" stuff which is a known cover for a child that is struggling. It is a coping mechanism. How does your son do with fine motor activities? He also seems to lack impulse inhibition which is troublesome in school! I go back to uncovering the why it is going on.
I do wish you lots of luck and offer support as another mother who has an "out of the box" kid! I wouldn't change my boy---------- love him dearly. I'm sure you love yours just the same. We just have to help them--------- and that is what is about. Helping THEM feel better. Peace.
There is no bandwagon for adhd in my opinion. It is a diagnosis given after criteria are met. I do not believe in medicating children right out of the gate but at times it is essential to help a child 'feel' better. Medication when their is a true diagnosis of adhd/add stabilizes the brain so that a person/child can function. Your fear of him not being normal on medication is contrary to the fact that if his physician feels it will help him------ it may actually be what he needs to feel normal. Certainly beats sitting by himself in isolation. This has a grave social impact on a child and whatever you need to do to help him at this point, would be important.
I am pro kid and at times, doing the hard thing of identifying WHY things are going a certain way in their life is what needs to be done. You are at that point. He could find the work difficult and hence, acting out is his alternative to doing it. He could be having emotional issues from the issue with his father. He could have the diagnostic criteria for adhd. But I think you really have to find out and not be opposed to any outcome. Remaining open minded will help you deal with whatever is going on in an effective manner to best help your son. I say this as a mother of a child with a developmental delay called sensory integration disorder which can make things like sitting in a classroom a nightmare. But I know why it is hard for him. And that knowing why allows me to figure out what to do about it. So, you need to find out why and not be afraid of it.
I went through a period of feeling fearful of a diagnosis and fought it a good deal. Our year of "limbo". I did no benefit to my son during that year. When I accepted it and took steps to help him----------- things got so much better. So, I just tell you this to give you hope that no matter what the outcomes of evaluations might be--------- it will be helpful to get some answers.
The book sandman mentions is good-------- please look into it. Another avenue to make sure you are taking with your son is in the area of physical activity. You list the sports------- this is excellent. My son has sensory integration disorder and we spend much time doing what they call "heavy work". Every day your boy should be doing something. We swim a lot which is that combination of heavy muscle work and deep pressure that is very calming to the nervous system. We recently went rock climbing at an indoor facility. We jump on trampolines. We do obstacle courses. Even the monkey bars several times has a calming effect. So do a LOT of that!
Also, some of what you describe sounds like "class clown" stuff which is a known cover for a child that is struggling. It is a coping mechanism. How does your son do with fine motor activities? He also seems to lack impulse inhibition which is troublesome in school! I go back to uncovering the why it is going on.
I do wish you lots of luck and offer support as another mother who has an "out of the box" kid! I wouldn't change my boy---------- love him dearly. I'm sure you love yours just the same. We just have to help them--------- and that is what is about. Helping THEM feel better. Peace.
I did not say she WAS jumping on the adhd bandwagon, I was suggesting she NOT jump on it. I stand by my advice. :)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Contrary to what bbxx said, you are not jumping on the ADHD bandwagon. You are trying to find out what his causing his problems. Once you know what is going on with your son, then its possible to accurately deal with the problem. If it is something like ADHD, a lot can be done without using medication if you have the right resources.
I will say that your son is very young. In fact, California recently changed the law making the cutoff for Kindergarten to Sept. Chances are he will always be one of the youngest kids in his class. Fortunately, he is intelligent, but the faster physical maturation of the other kids could effect his self esteem, so keep that in mind. He will struggle with the age problem until it all evens out somewhere in high school or college.
Do get the book I mentioned and particularly look at the section on 504's. You don't want a teacher pulling the BS the his last teacher did. A well written 504 will help prevent this.
I will say that your son is very young. In fact, California recently changed the law making the cutoff for Kindergarten to Sept. Chances are he will always be one of the youngest kids in his class. Fortunately, he is intelligent, but the faster physical maturation of the other kids could effect his self esteem, so keep that in mind. He will struggle with the age problem until it all evens out somewhere in high school or college.
Do get the book I mentioned and particularly look at the section on 504's. You don't want a teacher pulling the BS the his last teacher did. A well written 504 will help prevent this.
If he did not have issues before his dad abandoned him, I would not jump on the adhd bandwagon. What concerns me is this is extremely popular right now, putting labels on kids and giving them powerful medications. His brain has not even developed yet and these drugs do mess with the brain.
Also to answer your question about him being in the 3rd grade, he is not. He is in the 4th grade about to be out for summer break and then start 5th grade in the fall. His birthday is in October so it falls just a little bit before the age cutoff. So he is usually one of youngest in his class.
I really appreciate everything you have said. I actually set up an appointment for my son to go to the doctor and I am going to talk to them about ADD/ADHD and get him tested because I would really love to see him succeed. He is a different kid when he is at home with me for the most part as compared to being at his grandparents house. He seems to listen a little more and cooperate without such an attitude and it's not because he gets away with murder with me, but I tell him how it is or what I want done and he seems to understand a little better now that if he doesn't do what he is suppose to at home then there are consequences for it.
Although more recently he has started to show a little jealousy about his sister and actually told me he thinks I love her more than him, but we talked about it and I told him that I love them both.
Although more recently he has started to show a little jealousy about his sister and actually told me he thinks I love her more than him, but we talked about it and I told him that I love them both.
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