Disrespectful 9 year old

[aubrisol]

I have two children, (a nine year old boy and a 3 year old girl). My children have 2 different dad's and my son's dad died when my son was 1 1/2. My daughter's dad and I split up last July. He stepped up and assumed the role of dad to my 9 year old. Since about Septemeber/October he has almost completely backed out of my son's life and rarely talks to him. My 9 year old has been suspended from school 7 times this year. He has the potential to be a great kid, but he has developed a sense of not having to listen to any authority figure. He feels like he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and the consequences don't matter too much to him. He has an uncle with a 3 page rap sheet that he seems to idolize and I try to keep him away from that uncle. His grandma on his real dad's side of the family lets him get away with everything and his punishment while he is with her is being sent home. I have tried counseling and every punishment I could think of. I even went so far as to buy the Total Transformation Program which seems to work occasionally. I can't enforce my rules when he is with his grandparents while I am at work. I have told them what to do when he gets in trouble, but they don't follow through and then tell me that I have to do something with him because he won't listen to them either. I am at my wits end and looking for some advice on what else I could possibly try to straighten him out. It's pointless trying to talk to his step-dad because he won't listen to me and doesn't realize how much he has hurt my son. I don't think my son fully understands why he is feeling the way he is either, but he's basically been abandoned by the only dad he really knew. If anyone knows of anything I could possibly try to maybe help him understand his feelings and a better way of handling them and start listening.

[bbxx]

I guess we will have to agree to disagree here. I was not being insensitive to a family. I dont think labeling and drugging her kid is the answer in this situation.
People are failing to see the obvious here. The kid is hurting and angry. If she takes him to a (therapist) or whatever, they will say (yes, he has adhd, let the experiments begin) He is a boy with a mom who  loves him and is trying to do the right thing, but she has to work and is exhausted. The family sounds like a fine mix of issues, so the mom is basically alone in this. The kid is really hurting and angry that his father has abandoned him. He is going to act out. Its not a disease, it is the result of his abandonment and he is being rebellious because of it. Sandman says in the very first post he made that the kid had classic adhd symtpoms. Sandman is not a doctor and sandman in my opinon has made a dangerous assumption. Many parents are so desperate for their dysfunctional family life to have some peace, that they are willing to try anything including labeling and drugging their kid, and when they are truly trying their best and not in a hurry to do this, the schools and therapists are in a hurry to convince them this is the answer.  Also, many people on here will see someone as yellow stars next to their name and some people are not mature enough to realize that we all have yellow stars whenever we answer lots of questions, but it does not mean we know the answers we are giving.
I hate, HATE these mind altering drugs. They are used FAR too often. If sandman was a doctor, look how quickly he said "classic symptoms of adhd". Chest pain is a classic symptom of heart attack but it does not mean you had one. You have to look at the whole picture.
I am not opposed to people giving their kids meds that NEED them, which should be very few children.
I do want people to know if they are going to give them meds, they need to know they have very real risks.

[specialmom]

Oh, and my disclaimer-----------  all posts made by myself are only my opinion and nothing but my opinion.  

[specialmom]

I am not offended by your advice.  But I do think it is insensitive to a family that is trying to understand their child.  Reference to jumping on an add/adhd bandwagon probably came across differently than you intended.  

I do not have a child with add/adhd but feel bad for those who read a post like this one.  

If a child is indeed diagnosed with add/adhd, there is a variety of things that can and should be done to help them.  Sometimes medication is necessary.  

I also don't have an agenda.

So, back to the poster.  My sincere hope is that no matter what means it takes, that you are able help your son.  Try the 'heavy work' activities I talked about as I've seen a true calming effect in my own child with them.  good luck

[bbxx]

I agree helping is what we want. Degrees do not make the person all knowing or honest. I realize you are offended by my advice here, and my intent is not to offend those of  you who feel you have the answers. My intent is to let parents know there are people being hurt by these powerful brain altering drugs, and they need to at least hear the other side to these things bing popped like candy.

[specialmom]

Yes, all offer their advice based on experience or in my case as well as educational and professional background (if they have it).  It is true that these medications alter chemicals in the brain------- um, that is the point of them.  That is why they work.

I don't advocate that people go straight to medication but am not a fan of scaring people who find that their child requires it.  That's all.  

All should definitely do their own homework and research all options.

For the original poster, a full and comprehensive evaluation is your first step.  If you go through your local public school system, I would recommend asking for the full gamut of testing--------  all areas.  Speech, occupational therapist, and psychological testing.  In many states, you can only evaluate once every three years-----------  so you would want to cover all of your basis.  

If you go private in terms of seeking evaluations and treatment, I'd be sure to choose a psychologist (PhD only) who specializes in children or a psychiatrist that specializes in children.  

Bottom line is helping our kids.

[bbxx]

Please be advised that the medications may help your son, and also they may help him temporarily, but you need to understand the drugs do alter the chemistry in the brain and sometimes there are terrible results, and sometimes the changes are permanent. There are a lot unknowns when it comes to the brain, not to mention a developing brain. All of us here can offer  you our advice, but that is really all it is. We each have had our own experiences that play a roll in the advice we give. If you are considering any meds, research them yourself, and I dont mean by reading the paper the doctor gives you. Research them online, and dont forget to research long term use, withdrawal, and also look and listend to the groups that are warning you against them. If after all that you are convinced its the best thing, then you have done your best. :)