Is my son's behavior normal?

[Auspiciousme]

Hello.  I was a single mom until two years ago when I met a wonderful man and married him.  I moved to the city that my husband lived and now live with him and his 3 teen-age kids.  It's been a bumpy ride for me adjusting to our new living situation.  But I am quite happy.  I do have one big issue however that is making us fall apart.  
When my son was born, he woke up alot as many kids do and my husband was unable to help.  So after months of not sleeping enough, I talked to his doctor and he suggested that I either let him cry himself to sleep for a few night until learned to sleep through the night or just bring him into our bed so I could feed him quickly and got back to sleep without getting out of bed.  He did warn me that this will become a very hard habbit to break.  I tried the 1st but couldn't do it.  So he came to our bed and eventually my husband moved to his room!  My relationship with my ex wasn't great to begin with and this didn't help and we eventually got a divorce.  At the time my son was 31/2.  He was even more sensetive and scared after the divorce and refused to sleep in his own bed.  My mistake but I absoulutly enjoyed sleeping next to him.  He was the cutest child and I loved holding him and kissing him and watching while he slept.  I would try to start him in his own bed but he would always wake up and come to my bed later in the night.  I had to work two jobs and he didn't see much of me or his dad (he would be in pre-school or with my parents).  around age 6, he finally slept in his own room and occassionally would come to my bed near morning some days.  And by age 8 he stopped that completely.  About a year ago my husband and I attended a seminar.  One of the topics was children's behavior and the doctor (a PHd in Socialogy) talked about children's sexuality at different ages.  He was very much against children of oposit sex sleeping next to their parents and said that some of them in the future my have sexual proplems or maybe attracted to older partners. A mother who was sitting behind us, got up and said that she has let her son sleep next to her for years and what should she do?  And the doctor said that the problems will show at a later time and he will have to see therapy in the future if need be.
Ever since then, my husband says that my now 10 years old son has sexual feelings for me and touchs me in a funny way.  He says on our wedding day, when I was getting dressed my son who was 81/2 then peeked through the door to see me naked.  And he says he has seen him hug me from behind and he thinks he is getting some kind of pleasure from that.  He doesn't like it when my son comes to our room for any reason.  Specially if I am alone.  We used to lay down on his bed (him under cover and me next to him over the cover) and read together and that has become a major sin in our household since I moved in here with my new husband.  If he comes home and see us hugging or sitting and talking, he walks away mad like he just caught me cheating!  I talked to my psycologist and explained the whole thing and she says from what I explain, there is nothing going on and if there is some curiosity, it's normal for his age.  She told me not to mention this to my son and create a problem that doesn't exist.  I even took my husband there to talk to her and she explained the same thing to him but he totally denies that she did!  I also saw my son's pedatrician and he said that these cases are extreemly rare and my son is normal and I have nothing to worry about.  But my husband continues to get mad everytime he sees any kind of effection between us.  We fight over it and we dont' talk for days.  He refuses to see a doctor with me and he says he sees it with his own eyes and thinks it's inappropriate.  I don't feel anything abnormal and that is why I get really mad when he accuses my son.  He is great little boy.  He does well at school, all of his friends parents constantly tell me how well mannered he is and how sweet he is.  His teachers love him.  And he hasn't even reached puberty yet. He is just very affectionate like I am.  That's all.
I now find myself keeping a distance from my son whom I love more than anyone in this whole world to avoid fights in the house.  My son asked me the other day why I look around when I kiss him!  I love my husband and besides this issue, we have no other major problems.  We have a good life and I feel like it's going down the drain for something that doesn't exist.  
Am I wrong?  How can I proove to him the our relationship is normal.  We just really love each other like a mother and son should.  I don't want to put this non-sense in my son's head.  How can I make sure he is in fact normal and put this stupid issue to rest for good?
HELP..!

[Auspiciousme]

Hello.  I am back...almost two years later and still the same issues only worse as many of you told me.  My son is now 12 and entering is teen age years soon.  My husband is still on my case about him almost on a daily basis!  In fact we are not talking now for the past 3 days because of something stupid (couple of muddy foot prints in the backyard that he says my son is responsible for!!!).  The last 3.5 years, we have faught over almost everything you can imagine about my son.  From haircuts to me helping him with home work to buying shoes, to spending time with grandma!  I have tried and tried to show my husband lots of love and attention from doing what he likes, to giving him surprises, stuffing little love notes in his clothes, texts,...and whatever else I know how.  We even went to couple's therapy (he cancelled after 10 sessions..and said we don't need it anymore)...and I continue my own therapy to try and work this out...but nothing has made a difference.  He still has something to say about every thing and anything my son does or anything and everything I do for/with him.
I am not as sweet as I used to be...and not involved much with his kids who are hardly ever home.  I am basically living with them like a room-mate...I now act like a crazy person every time he mentions something negative about my son and throw a fit because it has become an extreemly soar subject.  I feel like I have this horrible wound and the minute it begins to heal, my husband attacks it again...and my only reaction is no madness!  I work full time now and I spend 95% of my time in my room after dinner with my computer.  I gave up on family time and family things long time ago.  I still do things with my son and my husband but seperately...and i get treated like dirt every time I do something with my son such as going for ice cream, movies or dinner.  
I have tried looking for an appartment 4 times in the last year and decided to stay and try harder because we love each other...but I can't live like this.  I feel guilty because I think a lot of people have it worse than me and are still in their marriage but at the same time, I feel like what is the point of a marriage if you so unhappy in it?  Yes, my husband does still bring me breakfast in bed and buys me stuff...but he takes away my very basic right to be good parent...and I have to fight with him, takes days of silent treatment and ignorance for every thing that has to do with my son.  I still get dirty looks every time we are even alone in a room for a second or if I hug him or laugh with him....it's just crazy...I am so tired, stressed and depressed.  My son told me yesterday that he knows that my husband (his step dad) doesn't like him.  It made me so so sad.  I knew he knew stuff allthough I tried so hard to sheild him from the crap that goes on between my husband and I over him but he is not stupid.  He feels the dirty looks and he hears our fights ...he is still a great kid..with good grades and everyone who spends time with him compliments me on how well behaved he is...but I am dead scared of the impact of what's going on in our life on him in years to come.  I don't want him to turn to drugs because he feels like he is not loved in his home...and believe me his step brothers and his step dad know how to make someone feel unloved very well!  So, now...what?  I think I am ready to move out...have very little money ..and I think I can manage my own place but money will be very tight.  Isn't that better though?  Peace of mind is worth so much more, no?  I keep imagining my own little appartment with lots of love and just my son and I...but I feel guilty for leaving my husband after all he has done for me (besides this issue I mean)...and all the money he has spend on stuff for me.  I want to be greatfull but I can not compromise my son's well being for it.  Please give me some comments...?  What should I do?

[Lucabartok9]

I pray to god you have left this man! If you have not you will ruin your sons life! Trust me I was in your sons position only difference I am a girl and it was my fathers girlfriend planting theses thing she into my dads head! I ran out at left there house when I was 10years old she hated me I could hear her talking to my father and other people and I felt sick her even trying to imply the things she would say! Your husband sounds controlling and crazy! I now have my own children 2 girl 6 boy 4 and my little boy loves sleeping in bed with me I read him stories or we have movies before bed and he and I love it! Your husband just wants to be the only man in your life but he should have thought about that before you married! It's better to have a husband become a ex and just another man then lose a son who was in your womb for 9 months who loves you and respects you don't lose you mother and daughter connection over a jealous silly man!

[Parent_helper101]

I really think that if your husband is like that with your son then he is not is good father for him. All the professionals say nothing your son does is wrong mabby  talk to someone about the way your husband acts with your son. And if the doctors their is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband please leave him. The way he treats your son is wrong. Research is something may be wrong with your husband and if their is get meds for it if it is available. To me it sounds like mental abuse to your son,because your husband is jealous. Update with what happens

[Jessie444z]

I also pray you left this sick man. I'm so sorry but he is going to make your son feel ashamed of any affection just because he is jealous and was abused himself as a child. Please don't be selfish and choose your husband over your son which is what you're doing so far. Divorce him now because you will be divorced later anyway and have a messed up son as well. So save your son now! I'm a college educated anthropology and behavioral specialist so please take my word for this. Most women are selfish and cowardly and stay with abusive men because they don't want to be alone. Don't be this way it's the same as abusing your son directly yourself!

[Luis40]

sooner or later you divorce this man your son peeking inaproirate but sleeping hugging is nothing wrong he's ignorant if his sons hugged each other or him he think it's gay I am gay am defended teen from 5 thugs in inner city and olso lifted butterfly to safety in front of this kid I showing him a real man shows kindness your husband think affection is wrong he is not real man I know 13 year old he hugs his mother so hard with love
And he is all boy inner city PR kid not afraid to fight your husband is ****** up
And it won't make him gay hermphidites have both sesxes what they should be inside
Ives church people wrong same group as your husband 98 percent gays born that way so it won't make him gay

[MrsVain]

well, it does sound like you fully understand what is going on in your house. my only fear when reading all of this is that you dont, yes he was good to you during your sickness, and possible looked like a god's gift, but if he was "mr wonderful" he wont be jealous of your relationship with your son, or act like a "spoiled little boy who doesnt want to share you with another boy". He is an adult and i complete agree with the others about him having alternative and even possibly evil motives. I also think that you feel like you "owe" him since he was so good to you during your sickness and now you make excuses because "at one time" he was great at one time. and there is a part of you that wants to "fix" him because you know he did not have a good childhood, etc and you think you can teach him what love is and all that ****. i think your inner consciense is trying to warn you and you are seeing all the signs, but you either do not want to see them because you dont want to be alone and a single parent again, or you are scared to lose what comfort he does give you when it is just to 2 of you.
all i can say is i hope time proves me wrong. Please just keep an eye out that he doesnt drive a wedge between you and his son. or become so controlling, wanting you all to himself that he doesnt allow a life outside of the house.
good luck and god bless.

[Brooke050870]

Good luck to you my friend, Merry Christmas to you and a blessed and healthy New Year!

[Auspiciousme]

I know Brooke.  It's a long road ahead of me and somedays I feel like I can fix everything ans somedays I just want to run away.  Everyone's posts here has helped me a lot.  I understand that my husbands relationship with my son and his opinions of my relationship with him, is wrong.  I will keep even a closer eye on this situation and I will shield my son from emotional harm as much as I can.  If and when I feel things are getting worse, I will make a different decision.
He seems to be trying still.  Last night I actually watched a movie with my son alone in my room!  (ooooooooooh!)  He came upstairs and saw us sitting and watching the movie.  He left but didn't say anything!  (I know it's pretty pethatic that I am happy with that!) but it's a start...
I admit that he is much better husband than he is a father but again..he is a good man and he seems to be trying...so we shall wait and see.  As babygirl said, it's really easy to just give up & I know I will always have that option.  But I still prefer to try and work things out.

[Brooke050870]

It is great that your husband is well educated and worldly and it is great that he took care of you when you were sick and that he has provided you with many material comforts.  The fact still remains that he is jealous of your son.  You say he is not abusive.  Maybe he isn't physically abusive, but his actions toward your son are damaging.  Being possessive and controlling is not good and it hurts everybody.    And as far as little kids liking your husband...little kids really liked my step dad too, and he was NOT a good father, he displayed many of the same behaviors that your husband displays, and I can count on one hand the times he was nice to me when I was growing up.  Maybe little kids like your husband because he is nice to them.  And maybe he is nice to them because he doesn't see them as competition, the way he sees your son.  You say that friends and family think he's a great guy too.  Well, he probably doesn't behave in front of those people the way he behaves when it is just you, him and your son.  In an earlier post, I believe someone said that in any kind of relationship, it takes an effort from all parties in the relationship to make it work.  This will not work if you are the only one consistently making the effort here.  You may limp along, but it won't really work in a way that is beneficial to everyone involved.  You mentioned in a recent post that your husband seemed to be trying...is he still trying, or did he try just once and then go back to his old ways?  You have a long road ahead of you.  And one more thing...a man can shower his wife or girlfriend with gifts and attention on one hand and still be manipulative, controlling, extremely jealous and possessive on the other hand.  Those are not good traits, and they are traits that are hard to unlearn.  Just because he took care of you when you were sick and provides well for you does not give him the right to control you and it does not give him the right to dictate the way you behave with your son.  If he doesn't make a consistent effort to change, and I mean CONSISTENT, he will drive a wedge between you and your son, your relationship with your son will be damaged, and your son will hate him and resent you.  Take it from someone who has been there.  Take care of yourself and your son.  God bless you both.