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Is my son's behavior normal?
Hello. I was a single mom until two years ago when I met a wonderful man and married him. I moved to the city that my husband lived and now live with him and his 3 teen-age kids. It's been a bumpy ride for me adjusting to our new living situation. But I am quite happy. I do have one big issue however that is making us fall apart.
When my son was born, he woke up alot as many kids do and my husband was unable to help. So after months of not sleeping enough, I talked to his doctor and he suggested that I either let him cry himself to sleep for a few night until learned to sleep through the night or just bring him into our bed so I could feed him quickly and got back to sleep without getting out of bed. He did warn me that this will become a very hard habbit to break. I tried the 1st but couldn't do it. So he came to our bed and eventually my husband moved to his room! My relationship with my ex wasn't great to begin with and this didn't help and we eventually got a divorce. At the time my son was 31/2. He was even more sensetive and scared after the divorce and refused to sleep in his own bed. My mistake but I absoulutly enjoyed sleeping next to him. He was the cutest child and I loved holding him and kissing him and watching while he slept. I would try to start him in his own bed but he would always wake up and come to my bed later in the night. I had to work two jobs and he didn't see much of me or his dad (he would be in pre-school or with my parents). around age 6, he finally slept in his own room and occassionally would come to my bed near morning some days. And by age 8 he stopped that completely. About a year ago my husband and I attended a seminar. One of the topics was children's behavior and the doctor (a PHd in Socialogy) talked about children's sexuality at different ages. He was very much against children of oposit sex sleeping next to their parents and said that some of them in the future my have sexual proplems or maybe attracted to older partners. A mother who was sitting behind us, got up and said that she has let her son sleep next to her for years and what should she do? And the doctor said that the problems will show at a later time and he will have to see therapy in the future if need be.
Ever since then, my husband says that my now 10 years old son has sexual feelings for me and touchs me in a funny way. He says on our wedding day, when I was getting dressed my son who was 81/2 then peeked through the door to see me naked. And he says he has seen him hug me from behind and he thinks he is getting some kind of pleasure from that. He doesn't like it when my son comes to our room for any reason. Specially if I am alone. We used to lay down on his bed (him under cover and me next to him over the cover) and read together and that has become a major sin in our household since I moved in here with my new husband. If he comes home and see us hugging or sitting and talking, he walks away mad like he just caught me cheating! I talked to my psycologist and explained the whole thing and she says from what I explain, there is nothing going on and if there is some curiosity, it's normal for his age. She told me not to mention this to my son and create a problem that doesn't exist. I even took my husband there to talk to her and she explained the same thing to him but he totally denies that she did! I also saw my son's pedatrician and he said that these cases are extreemly rare and my son is normal and I have nothing to worry about. But my husband continues to get mad everytime he sees any kind of effection between us. We fight over it and we dont' talk for days. He refuses to see a doctor with me and he says he sees it with his own eyes and thinks it's inappropriate. I don't feel anything abnormal and that is why I get really mad when he accuses my son. He is great little boy. He does well at school, all of his friends parents constantly tell me how well mannered he is and how sweet he is. His teachers love him. And he hasn't even reached puberty yet. He is just very affectionate like I am. That's all.
I now find myself keeping a distance from my son whom I love more than anyone in this whole world to avoid fights in the house. My son asked me the other day why I look around when I kiss him! I love my husband and besides this issue, we have no other major problems. We have a good life and I feel like it's going down the drain for something that doesn't exist.
Am I wrong? How can I proove to him the our relationship is normal. We just really love each other like a mother and son should. I don't want to put this non-sense in my son's head. How can I make sure he is in fact normal and put this stupid issue to rest for good?
HELP..!
When my son was born, he woke up alot as many kids do and my husband was unable to help. So after months of not sleeping enough, I talked to his doctor and he suggested that I either let him cry himself to sleep for a few night until learned to sleep through the night or just bring him into our bed so I could feed him quickly and got back to sleep without getting out of bed. He did warn me that this will become a very hard habbit to break. I tried the 1st but couldn't do it. So he came to our bed and eventually my husband moved to his room! My relationship with my ex wasn't great to begin with and this didn't help and we eventually got a divorce. At the time my son was 31/2. He was even more sensetive and scared after the divorce and refused to sleep in his own bed. My mistake but I absoulutly enjoyed sleeping next to him. He was the cutest child and I loved holding him and kissing him and watching while he slept. I would try to start him in his own bed but he would always wake up and come to my bed later in the night. I had to work two jobs and he didn't see much of me or his dad (he would be in pre-school or with my parents). around age 6, he finally slept in his own room and occassionally would come to my bed near morning some days. And by age 8 he stopped that completely. About a year ago my husband and I attended a seminar. One of the topics was children's behavior and the doctor (a PHd in Socialogy) talked about children's sexuality at different ages. He was very much against children of oposit sex sleeping next to their parents and said that some of them in the future my have sexual proplems or maybe attracted to older partners. A mother who was sitting behind us, got up and said that she has let her son sleep next to her for years and what should she do? And the doctor said that the problems will show at a later time and he will have to see therapy in the future if need be.
Ever since then, my husband says that my now 10 years old son has sexual feelings for me and touchs me in a funny way. He says on our wedding day, when I was getting dressed my son who was 81/2 then peeked through the door to see me naked. And he says he has seen him hug me from behind and he thinks he is getting some kind of pleasure from that. He doesn't like it when my son comes to our room for any reason. Specially if I am alone. We used to lay down on his bed (him under cover and me next to him over the cover) and read together and that has become a major sin in our household since I moved in here with my new husband. If he comes home and see us hugging or sitting and talking, he walks away mad like he just caught me cheating! I talked to my psycologist and explained the whole thing and she says from what I explain, there is nothing going on and if there is some curiosity, it's normal for his age. She told me not to mention this to my son and create a problem that doesn't exist. I even took my husband there to talk to her and she explained the same thing to him but he totally denies that she did! I also saw my son's pedatrician and he said that these cases are extreemly rare and my son is normal and I have nothing to worry about. But my husband continues to get mad everytime he sees any kind of effection between us. We fight over it and we dont' talk for days. He refuses to see a doctor with me and he says he sees it with his own eyes and thinks it's inappropriate. I don't feel anything abnormal and that is why I get really mad when he accuses my son. He is great little boy. He does well at school, all of his friends parents constantly tell me how well mannered he is and how sweet he is. His teachers love him. And he hasn't even reached puberty yet. He is just very affectionate like I am. That's all.
I now find myself keeping a distance from my son whom I love more than anyone in this whole world to avoid fights in the house. My son asked me the other day why I look around when I kiss him! I love my husband and besides this issue, we have no other major problems. We have a good life and I feel like it's going down the drain for something that doesn't exist.
Am I wrong? How can I proove to him the our relationship is normal. We just really love each other like a mother and son should. I don't want to put this non-sense in my son's head. How can I make sure he is in fact normal and put this stupid issue to rest for good?
HELP..!
Hello. Thank you for your time. I appreciate it that you cared enough to write to me. Things are better now (the past few days). We had a long talk and I hope things get better by time. I sometimes feel that things will only get worse too...but I am not ready to give up yet. He really is a good man...and I am not making excuses for him. I have altered my closeness to my son but I haven't taken anything away. I would never ever do that. Not for my husband and not for anyone in this whole world. As I mentioned before, my son is the most important commitment in my life & I will do all I can to fulfill it the best way I can. If at any point I feel like my son is being hurt in a serious manner, I would run and I won't even look back!...
My husband opened up to me and he said I don't let him be involved in my son's life and he doesn't like that. I said that he could be involved if he changed his ways. I explained that he can disipline our kids without yelling. I think he feels left out when I don't let him parent my kid. I have been super protective of my son since my divorce. I ADORE HIM and I can't help it. I do have to let go a bit to make a man out of him. And I don't mean neglecting him. He is a good boy but he does need to be more manly as he grows older and my husband and his own father have to teach him that.
I am not saying my husband's actions are okay now that we are not fighting for two days! I am not. I made some new appointments to see my own therapist to discuss this further. But now that I am not as angry as the past two weeks, I realize that I may be too protective...and too controling of his life and my husband sees that and in addition to normal jealousy (which in his case is a lot), he feels like I am not holding my end of the bargin in our marriage. He feels like I have a seperate life with my son in his house. That's not a good feeling. I wouldn't like it if he did that with his kids and didn't let me get involved in any of the decisions regarding them. I think without knowing, I have been doing that because I am used to taking care of my son alone. I am going to try to let him make some decisions (& believe me, I will be closely watching so my son's feeling don't get hurt in any way) & see how that goes. My husband had to become a man and take care of himself alone at age 14. So, his focus of parenting is to teach the kids to be tough and to prepare them for real world. That's good but you have to do it with love and gradually...On the other hand, I was raised with my loving family (tough dad though) and they are still there for me and my focus of parenting is raising a kind/decent human being. I think if we learn to cooperate, we could do well. My son even told me once that I am too soft and I should learn from my husband and he should learn from me how to be more loving!
That wonderful man is my husband. I met him two years ago and a month after we started our long distance dating, I got very sick. (he actually got me health insurance right before I got sick because I couldn't afford to get my own). After two weeks of trips to emergency room and painful experiences, I was diagnosed with MS. You have no idea what this man did for me. He flew/drove back and forth to be with me, to take me to my doctors and he paid for everything. He provided me everything anyone said that might help. In addition to that, when he was in town, he took my son to school and after school, to park to play with him & reassured him that I will be fine soon. He put money in my bank account without me even asking, so I could my bills (I couldn't work). All of sudden I was not able to walk much and I dressed in sweats and was in bed all the time crying. He never once even made me feel that there is anything wrong! He kept saying that we will get through this. Many many nights, I would have so much pain that I kept tossing and turning and crying and he would hold me and kiss me until I fell sleep (and sometimes that was 3, 4 oclock in the morning when had conference calls starting at 6am)...He put up with all of this for 4 months..and once I was better, he asked me to marry him. If this is not wonderful, then I don't know what it is? I am better now and haven't had terrible symptoms since two years ago but we don't know what will future bring & he took a chance. I think most men, would have walked away if the lady they were dating, all of sudden was so sick after just a few weeks of dating...but he stood by me...and he was very nice to my kid. Now that we live together, he has given me the option of not working (so I don't get tired, so my symptoms don't show up again). Because of this, I get to pick up my son from school myself everyday and I have more time to enjoy him (until he gets home from work, then he wants me all to himself!...which again, is not right but I think he could learn to change).
I think he just loves me too much and wants all of me! & he becomes a stuborn little boy when he doesn't get his way and he has to share me with another boy! Then he yells and finds things wrong. Again, please understand that I don't say that his actions are okay. they are not and I still get mad when I think about it and I still (and forever) will protect my son from the harm his actions could bring to him...but I don't think my husband is a mean person. If he does something, is because somewhere, somehow, he has been damaged himself...so he sees things between my son and I, in a wierd manner. He told me the other night that he is willing to do anything to keep me by his side and I hope I can talk him into therapy. I think that would help all of us.
In the mean time, this post and all the comments, made me believe in my parenting again...and I am again 100% sure that my son is normal and us loving each other is neither sexual nor wrong in any way. & I am thankful to all of you guys for giving me your honest opinions. I will continue to protect and love my son and I will continue to work on my marriage and pushing my husband to help himself. If it worked, great...and if things get worse to the point that I feel like fighting is no longer an option...trust me, I will leave.
Thanks again & happy holidays.
My husband opened up to me and he said I don't let him be involved in my son's life and he doesn't like that. I said that he could be involved if he changed his ways. I explained that he can disipline our kids without yelling. I think he feels left out when I don't let him parent my kid. I have been super protective of my son since my divorce. I ADORE HIM and I can't help it. I do have to let go a bit to make a man out of him. And I don't mean neglecting him. He is a good boy but he does need to be more manly as he grows older and my husband and his own father have to teach him that.
I am not saying my husband's actions are okay now that we are not fighting for two days! I am not. I made some new appointments to see my own therapist to discuss this further. But now that I am not as angry as the past two weeks, I realize that I may be too protective...and too controling of his life and my husband sees that and in addition to normal jealousy (which in his case is a lot), he feels like I am not holding my end of the bargin in our marriage. He feels like I have a seperate life with my son in his house. That's not a good feeling. I wouldn't like it if he did that with his kids and didn't let me get involved in any of the decisions regarding them. I think without knowing, I have been doing that because I am used to taking care of my son alone. I am going to try to let him make some decisions (& believe me, I will be closely watching so my son's feeling don't get hurt in any way) & see how that goes. My husband had to become a man and take care of himself alone at age 14. So, his focus of parenting is to teach the kids to be tough and to prepare them for real world. That's good but you have to do it with love and gradually...On the other hand, I was raised with my loving family (tough dad though) and they are still there for me and my focus of parenting is raising a kind/decent human being. I think if we learn to cooperate, we could do well. My son even told me once that I am too soft and I should learn from my husband and he should learn from me how to be more loving!
That wonderful man is my husband. I met him two years ago and a month after we started our long distance dating, I got very sick. (he actually got me health insurance right before I got sick because I couldn't afford to get my own). After two weeks of trips to emergency room and painful experiences, I was diagnosed with MS. You have no idea what this man did for me. He flew/drove back and forth to be with me, to take me to my doctors and he paid for everything. He provided me everything anyone said that might help. In addition to that, when he was in town, he took my son to school and after school, to park to play with him & reassured him that I will be fine soon. He put money in my bank account without me even asking, so I could my bills (I couldn't work). All of sudden I was not able to walk much and I dressed in sweats and was in bed all the time crying. He never once even made me feel that there is anything wrong! He kept saying that we will get through this. Many many nights, I would have so much pain that I kept tossing and turning and crying and he would hold me and kiss me until I fell sleep (and sometimes that was 3, 4 oclock in the morning when had conference calls starting at 6am)...He put up with all of this for 4 months..and once I was better, he asked me to marry him. If this is not wonderful, then I don't know what it is? I am better now and haven't had terrible symptoms since two years ago but we don't know what will future bring & he took a chance. I think most men, would have walked away if the lady they were dating, all of sudden was so sick after just a few weeks of dating...but he stood by me...and he was very nice to my kid. Now that we live together, he has given me the option of not working (so I don't get tired, so my symptoms don't show up again). Because of this, I get to pick up my son from school myself everyday and I have more time to enjoy him (until he gets home from work, then he wants me all to himself!...which again, is not right but I think he could learn to change).
I think he just loves me too much and wants all of me! & he becomes a stuborn little boy when he doesn't get his way and he has to share me with another boy! Then he yells and finds things wrong. Again, please understand that I don't say that his actions are okay. they are not and I still get mad when I think about it and I still (and forever) will protect my son from the harm his actions could bring to him...but I don't think my husband is a mean person. If he does something, is because somewhere, somehow, he has been damaged himself...so he sees things between my son and I, in a wierd manner. He told me the other night that he is willing to do anything to keep me by his side and I hope I can talk him into therapy. I think that would help all of us.
In the mean time, this post and all the comments, made me believe in my parenting again...and I am again 100% sure that my son is normal and us loving each other is neither sexual nor wrong in any way. & I am thankful to all of you guys for giving me your honest opinions. I will continue to protect and love my son and I will continue to work on my marriage and pushing my husband to help himself. If it worked, great...and if things get worse to the point that I feel like fighting is no longer an option...trust me, I will leave.
Thanks again & happy holidays.
OMG!! Are you CRAZY!!!!! you should be more concerned with your husbands actions to this then with your sons behavior being normal!!! From what i read in your posts, you have neither done anything wrong with your son nor deserve the treatment your husband is giving you. I hope he is not the wonderful man you mentioned at the beginning of your post because that is FAR from wonderful.
Sounded like you are a good, caring, understanding, supportive and loving mother. I see nothing wrong in either sleeping with the boy until he is 3, 4, 5, 6 or 8. Nor do i see anything wrong with you reading a book laying on the bed with the boy. Or hugs in any position. and of course your son was getting pleasure from it, who doesnt from a hug. But to turn that pleasure into something sexual, now that is coming from a sick, sick mind. Instead of seeing what a good mommy you are by reading to your son, all your husband can see is you laying on the bed and twistes that into something sexual is also very perverted and messed up.
Please disregard what SeriousSam said, NOT ALL Preadolescent boys feel som small amount of sexual energy!! and it is okay to love and cubble and hug your son NO MATTER WHAT AGE HE IS. you were doing so good with your son and you are now doing him wrongly.
It sounds to me that you are only making excuses for your husband. He is so wonderful to you but only when your kid is not there. Oh right, THAT sounds super wonderful to me. Of course he is wonderful, he has your undivided attention. WAKE UP!! Why are you choosing this SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE, SELF ASBORBED, DERANGED PERVERT over your beautiful, caring, well adjusted, loving son!?!?!?!?! You have all the indications right in front of your face and you are turning a blind eye to it. {He gives me a dirty look everytime he sees me kiss or hug him!} {My husband is finding all kinds of things wrong with my son all the time.}{My son couldn't wait to call him "dad". A word that meant a lot to him since at the time we lived far away from his own dad. Now he is afraid of my husband.} WTF and you still are wondering....
You sound like a very good person. I am so glad you are protecting your son from all this BS, And i am very very sorry this is happening to you. I honestly dont see your husband changing and like someone said your VERY NORMAL son is more important then any man. He dont want to go to therpy? I hope things work out for you and your son. I have no use for your husband. You and your son both, DESERVE BETTER. It doesnt get better, it will only get worse {believe me i have been there and talking from experience} Your husband will eventually drive a wedge between you and your son, and after he messes that up, he will start attacking you and your personality and has already attacked your actions, decisions, and mothering. Please dont let it go this far, leave this loser now.
Sounded like you are a good, caring, understanding, supportive and loving mother. I see nothing wrong in either sleeping with the boy until he is 3, 4, 5, 6 or 8. Nor do i see anything wrong with you reading a book laying on the bed with the boy. Or hugs in any position. and of course your son was getting pleasure from it, who doesnt from a hug. But to turn that pleasure into something sexual, now that is coming from a sick, sick mind. Instead of seeing what a good mommy you are by reading to your son, all your husband can see is you laying on the bed and twistes that into something sexual is also very perverted and messed up.
Please disregard what SeriousSam said, NOT ALL Preadolescent boys feel som small amount of sexual energy!! and it is okay to love and cubble and hug your son NO MATTER WHAT AGE HE IS. you were doing so good with your son and you are now doing him wrongly.
It sounds to me that you are only making excuses for your husband. He is so wonderful to you but only when your kid is not there. Oh right, THAT sounds super wonderful to me. Of course he is wonderful, he has your undivided attention. WAKE UP!! Why are you choosing this SELFISH, INCONSIDERATE, SELF ASBORBED, DERANGED PERVERT over your beautiful, caring, well adjusted, loving son!?!?!?!?! You have all the indications right in front of your face and you are turning a blind eye to it. {He gives me a dirty look everytime he sees me kiss or hug him!} {My husband is finding all kinds of things wrong with my son all the time.}{My son couldn't wait to call him "dad". A word that meant a lot to him since at the time we lived far away from his own dad. Now he is afraid of my husband.} WTF and you still are wondering....
You sound like a very good person. I am so glad you are protecting your son from all this BS, And i am very very sorry this is happening to you. I honestly dont see your husband changing and like someone said your VERY NORMAL son is more important then any man. He dont want to go to therpy? I hope things work out for you and your son. I have no use for your husband. You and your son both, DESERVE BETTER. It doesnt get better, it will only get worse {believe me i have been there and talking from experience} Your husband will eventually drive a wedge between you and your son, and after he messes that up, he will start attacking you and your personality and has already attacked your actions, decisions, and mothering. Please dont let it go this far, leave this loser now.
I just have one more thing to say-
I am so sorry he treats you all this way.
When we were still in the beginning stages of our marriage I remember having a meltdown or two. Once my husband who is much more vocal and opinionated than I, (and this man LIVE FOR DEBATES) said a few unkind words to me. Not cursing or anything like that. The first time I shrugged it off- the next time I remember thinking- WHY do I think I have to take that? Not abusive, but unkind- I told him straight out I was a grown woman who loved her family and wanted this new family to work and he would never speak to me like that again- Maybe a year later - there was a slip. But there were so many times I could see him struggling to be kinder when he surely felt like blowing up.
I knew I had made my point.
Basically in all relationships we make deposits (kind deeds) and withdrawals (unkind ones)- The withdrawals need to be FAR outweighed by the deposits. When an unkindness is done, it is easily overlooked when it is "covered" with all those deposits.
Like you said he tried a few days- so we know dad can change his actions. Let's say he went a year and acted kindly about you and your son even having family hugs, etc. You would know he made the effort. If he made a boo boo in January 2010 you could look the other way and sigh and go on with life as long as he shook off his old tactics quickly.
Just saying- You DO NOT have to take this- Find a time to sit down with him and spill your guts and ask him what makes him think you do have to put up with this sort of behavior from a grown man?
My last 2 cents.
Stuff happens- we learn to walk by falling down and getting up again. We all stumble
I am so sorry he treats you all this way.
When we were still in the beginning stages of our marriage I remember having a meltdown or two. Once my husband who is much more vocal and opinionated than I, (and this man LIVE FOR DEBATES) said a few unkind words to me. Not cursing or anything like that. The first time I shrugged it off- the next time I remember thinking- WHY do I think I have to take that? Not abusive, but unkind- I told him straight out I was a grown woman who loved her family and wanted this new family to work and he would never speak to me like that again- Maybe a year later - there was a slip. But there were so many times I could see him struggling to be kinder when he surely felt like blowing up.
I knew I had made my point.
Basically in all relationships we make deposits (kind deeds) and withdrawals (unkind ones)- The withdrawals need to be FAR outweighed by the deposits. When an unkindness is done, it is easily overlooked when it is "covered" with all those deposits.
Like you said he tried a few days- so we know dad can change his actions. Let's say he went a year and acted kindly about you and your son even having family hugs, etc. You would know he made the effort. If he made a boo boo in January 2010 you could look the other way and sigh and go on with life as long as he shook off his old tactics quickly.
Just saying- You DO NOT have to take this- Find a time to sit down with him and spill your guts and ask him what makes him think you do have to put up with this sort of behavior from a grown man?
My last 2 cents.
Stuff happens- we learn to walk by falling down and getting up again. We all stumble
You said in your country? Which country are you from?
Too clarify. All preadolescent boys feel som small amount of sexual energy towards anybody in their life. It is not something that is controllable and is in part why a perfect mirror of how we are can be found in who are children choose as partners and mates. Males their mother women their fathers.
You probably don't feel anything sexual but that is why it is the responsibility of parents to draw boundaries and direct the childrens eros in more apropriate family love.
To some extent your husband is ALSO acting poorly. However that is a seperate issue that a marital counselor my be able to sort out and is, I believe BOTH of your faults his for making you choose and your for in many ways through both relationships treating your son in a manner that I would term as a first or prime husband. Mentioning his problems does does not exonerate but rather emphasizes the mess you have.
Too clarify. All preadolescent boys feel som small amount of sexual energy towards anybody in their life. It is not something that is controllable and is in part why a perfect mirror of how we are can be found in who are children choose as partners and mates. Males their mother women their fathers.
You probably don't feel anything sexual but that is why it is the responsibility of parents to draw boundaries and direct the childrens eros in more apropriate family love.
To some extent your husband is ALSO acting poorly. However that is a seperate issue that a marital counselor my be able to sort out and is, I believe BOTH of your faults his for making you choose and your for in many ways through both relationships treating your son in a manner that I would term as a first or prime husband. Mentioning his problems does does not exonerate but rather emphasizes the mess you have.
Best wishes to you. I sincerely hope that everything turns out okay for you and your son.
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