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Is my son's behavior normal?
Hello. I was a single mom until two years ago when I met a wonderful man and married him. I moved to the city that my husband lived and now live with him and his 3 teen-age kids. It's been a bumpy ride for me adjusting to our new living situation. But I am quite happy. I do have one big issue however that is making us fall apart.
When my son was born, he woke up alot as many kids do and my husband was unable to help. So after months of not sleeping enough, I talked to his doctor and he suggested that I either let him cry himself to sleep for a few night until learned to sleep through the night or just bring him into our bed so I could feed him quickly and got back to sleep without getting out of bed. He did warn me that this will become a very hard habbit to break. I tried the 1st but couldn't do it. So he came to our bed and eventually my husband moved to his room! My relationship with my ex wasn't great to begin with and this didn't help and we eventually got a divorce. At the time my son was 31/2. He was even more sensetive and scared after the divorce and refused to sleep in his own bed. My mistake but I absoulutly enjoyed sleeping next to him. He was the cutest child and I loved holding him and kissing him and watching while he slept. I would try to start him in his own bed but he would always wake up and come to my bed later in the night. I had to work two jobs and he didn't see much of me or his dad (he would be in pre-school or with my parents). around age 6, he finally slept in his own room and occassionally would come to my bed near morning some days. And by age 8 he stopped that completely. About a year ago my husband and I attended a seminar. One of the topics was children's behavior and the doctor (a PHd in Socialogy) talked about children's sexuality at different ages. He was very much against children of oposit sex sleeping next to their parents and said that some of them in the future my have sexual proplems or maybe attracted to older partners. A mother who was sitting behind us, got up and said that she has let her son sleep next to her for years and what should she do? And the doctor said that the problems will show at a later time and he will have to see therapy in the future if need be.
Ever since then, my husband says that my now 10 years old son has sexual feelings for me and touchs me in a funny way. He says on our wedding day, when I was getting dressed my son who was 81/2 then peeked through the door to see me naked. And he says he has seen him hug me from behind and he thinks he is getting some kind of pleasure from that. He doesn't like it when my son comes to our room for any reason. Specially if I am alone. We used to lay down on his bed (him under cover and me next to him over the cover) and read together and that has become a major sin in our household since I moved in here with my new husband. If he comes home and see us hugging or sitting and talking, he walks away mad like he just caught me cheating! I talked to my psycologist and explained the whole thing and she says from what I explain, there is nothing going on and if there is some curiosity, it's normal for his age. She told me not to mention this to my son and create a problem that doesn't exist. I even took my husband there to talk to her and she explained the same thing to him but he totally denies that she did! I also saw my son's pedatrician and he said that these cases are extreemly rare and my son is normal and I have nothing to worry about. But my husband continues to get mad everytime he sees any kind of effection between us. We fight over it and we dont' talk for days. He refuses to see a doctor with me and he says he sees it with his own eyes and thinks it's inappropriate. I don't feel anything abnormal and that is why I get really mad when he accuses my son. He is great little boy. He does well at school, all of his friends parents constantly tell me how well mannered he is and how sweet he is. His teachers love him. And he hasn't even reached puberty yet. He is just very affectionate like I am. That's all.
I now find myself keeping a distance from my son whom I love more than anyone in this whole world to avoid fights in the house. My son asked me the other day why I look around when I kiss him! I love my husband and besides this issue, we have no other major problems. We have a good life and I feel like it's going down the drain for something that doesn't exist.
Am I wrong? How can I proove to him the our relationship is normal. We just really love each other like a mother and son should. I don't want to put this non-sense in my son's head. How can I make sure he is in fact normal and put this stupid issue to rest for good?
HELP..!
When my son was born, he woke up alot as many kids do and my husband was unable to help. So after months of not sleeping enough, I talked to his doctor and he suggested that I either let him cry himself to sleep for a few night until learned to sleep through the night or just bring him into our bed so I could feed him quickly and got back to sleep without getting out of bed. He did warn me that this will become a very hard habbit to break. I tried the 1st but couldn't do it. So he came to our bed and eventually my husband moved to his room! My relationship with my ex wasn't great to begin with and this didn't help and we eventually got a divorce. At the time my son was 31/2. He was even more sensetive and scared after the divorce and refused to sleep in his own bed. My mistake but I absoulutly enjoyed sleeping next to him. He was the cutest child and I loved holding him and kissing him and watching while he slept. I would try to start him in his own bed but he would always wake up and come to my bed later in the night. I had to work two jobs and he didn't see much of me or his dad (he would be in pre-school or with my parents). around age 6, he finally slept in his own room and occassionally would come to my bed near morning some days. And by age 8 he stopped that completely. About a year ago my husband and I attended a seminar. One of the topics was children's behavior and the doctor (a PHd in Socialogy) talked about children's sexuality at different ages. He was very much against children of oposit sex sleeping next to their parents and said that some of them in the future my have sexual proplems or maybe attracted to older partners. A mother who was sitting behind us, got up and said that she has let her son sleep next to her for years and what should she do? And the doctor said that the problems will show at a later time and he will have to see therapy in the future if need be.
Ever since then, my husband says that my now 10 years old son has sexual feelings for me and touchs me in a funny way. He says on our wedding day, when I was getting dressed my son who was 81/2 then peeked through the door to see me naked. And he says he has seen him hug me from behind and he thinks he is getting some kind of pleasure from that. He doesn't like it when my son comes to our room for any reason. Specially if I am alone. We used to lay down on his bed (him under cover and me next to him over the cover) and read together and that has become a major sin in our household since I moved in here with my new husband. If he comes home and see us hugging or sitting and talking, he walks away mad like he just caught me cheating! I talked to my psycologist and explained the whole thing and she says from what I explain, there is nothing going on and if there is some curiosity, it's normal for his age. She told me not to mention this to my son and create a problem that doesn't exist. I even took my husband there to talk to her and she explained the same thing to him but he totally denies that she did! I also saw my son's pedatrician and he said that these cases are extreemly rare and my son is normal and I have nothing to worry about. But my husband continues to get mad everytime he sees any kind of effection between us. We fight over it and we dont' talk for days. He refuses to see a doctor with me and he says he sees it with his own eyes and thinks it's inappropriate. I don't feel anything abnormal and that is why I get really mad when he accuses my son. He is great little boy. He does well at school, all of his friends parents constantly tell me how well mannered he is and how sweet he is. His teachers love him. And he hasn't even reached puberty yet. He is just very affectionate like I am. That's all.
I now find myself keeping a distance from my son whom I love more than anyone in this whole world to avoid fights in the house. My son asked me the other day why I look around when I kiss him! I love my husband and besides this issue, we have no other major problems. We have a good life and I feel like it's going down the drain for something that doesn't exist.
Am I wrong? How can I proove to him the our relationship is normal. We just really love each other like a mother and son should. I don't want to put this non-sense in my son's head. How can I make sure he is in fact normal and put this stupid issue to rest for good?
HELP..!
Hello. I started this post after a fight with my husband about him saying that my son has sexual feelings for me. But the more time passes by and I think more about the past year and a half, and actually write them here, the more things I remember & the more I realize that I am really unhappy with my husband's behavior towards my boy. I really do have a big problem on my hands. I just had never added them up! lately, every other week, we are not speaking...and I have noticed my son changing a bit and showing anger. I thought it was his age, and it may be, but it may also be the things he is sensing. He has told me a few times that he liked it better when it was just the two of us. He said I was happier and always smiling before and now I am not as much. & he is right.
To answer Brook's question..we do great during summers and when we are alone. I think we have had only one fight that hasn't been about my son the past two years! As I said before, he is wonderful to me. From buying me anything I want to bringing me breakfast in bed and helping me with anything I need help with. He always gives me compliments and tells me he loves me and thanks me for all the changes I've brought in to his life....so our relationship is good as long as I do what he says about my son! So, since I don't listen to that, we get in to fights!
To answer momagain59, my son has the option of living with his dad who is still single. He doesn't want to yet. He loves him and has a great time with him every other weekend but he still wants to stay home with me (he says only I know how to take care of him when he is sick!). I will NEVER push him to go there. It would in fact break my heart, if he did at this age but I would let him, if he wanted to (when he is a little bit older though) and if his father and I decide that would be best for him. But if he left because he was being pushed here, and becuase of my husband, I would never forgive myself...As I said, he goes, I go.
Yes, my husband knew we were a package deal. He knew what kind of relationship I have with my son and how much he means to me. But now he sees him as a problem..I guess..I don't know..
& His children's mom, lives only 45 min from our home but they see each other once or twice a year. She calls every other month and sends them a gift certificate for their birthday and Christmas. She is an alcoholic and my husband has had full custody of his kids for the past 9 years or so. His kids are good kids but definately damaged. I am not gonna get into that.
& again, yes...my mom knows what is going on. She tells me that my son will leave me eventually and it will be my husband and I for the rest of our lives and he is good to me and I can just manage until my son leaves on his own life advanture. But after our last fight she said that she will talk to him next time we are visiting. & yes, I have a supportive family & they would help me out, if I needed it. I just hope it doesn't get to that.
Thank you everyone for your support, comments and your time. This is really helping me. I appreciate it.
To answer Brook's question..we do great during summers and when we are alone. I think we have had only one fight that hasn't been about my son the past two years! As I said before, he is wonderful to me. From buying me anything I want to bringing me breakfast in bed and helping me with anything I need help with. He always gives me compliments and tells me he loves me and thanks me for all the changes I've brought in to his life....so our relationship is good as long as I do what he says about my son! So, since I don't listen to that, we get in to fights!
To answer momagain59, my son has the option of living with his dad who is still single. He doesn't want to yet. He loves him and has a great time with him every other weekend but he still wants to stay home with me (he says only I know how to take care of him when he is sick!). I will NEVER push him to go there. It would in fact break my heart, if he did at this age but I would let him, if he wanted to (when he is a little bit older though) and if his father and I decide that would be best for him. But if he left because he was being pushed here, and becuase of my husband, I would never forgive myself...As I said, he goes, I go.
Yes, my husband knew we were a package deal. He knew what kind of relationship I have with my son and how much he means to me. But now he sees him as a problem..I guess..I don't know..
& His children's mom, lives only 45 min from our home but they see each other once or twice a year. She calls every other month and sends them a gift certificate for their birthday and Christmas. She is an alcoholic and my husband has had full custody of his kids for the past 9 years or so. His kids are good kids but definately damaged. I am not gonna get into that.
& again, yes...my mom knows what is going on. She tells me that my son will leave me eventually and it will be my husband and I for the rest of our lives and he is good to me and I can just manage until my son leaves on his own life advanture. But after our last fight she said that she will talk to him next time we are visiting. & yes, I have a supportive family & they would help me out, if I needed it. I just hope it doesn't get to that.
Thank you everyone for your support, comments and your time. This is really helping me. I appreciate it.
"my son said, haven't you noticed mom...he leaves everytime I come here". This man has to be sick to treat your son the way that he is. I would really have to hate someone in order to treat them this way. I feel so sorry for your son. Is there anyway that he can spend more time with his bio-Dad?
"If my son goes upstairs to his room after dinner, he will come sit with me." Didn't he know that you are a package deal and most families spend time together?
I think your son should be able to buy a XBox if he wants to and your husband should make his son share his games. If he doesn't want to share the games then it is time for your son to have his own games. After all he is is willing to sell other items to get a XBox and I take for granted that he takes care of his things. It sounds like his sons are starting to imitate their Dad's sad ways. Why does your husband want to make everything into a power struggle? If he continues to try to control your sons eating, your son will son become overweight.
"Tonight, I sat at dinner table with the whole family and for the first time I felt that me and my son don't belong there. I felt like a total stranger in this strange house that doesn't belong to me and I felt really scared.."
No one should have to feel this way in their own home.
"I should have asked if my husband's behavior was normal?"
No, if it was, no one would ever remarry.
"But now, I moved away from my whole family, left a good job and I have this to deal with on a daily basis."
Is your family aware of your situation? Would they help you get away from him and start over? You can always get another job if you can't get your other job back. The first thing abusive men do is get their victim away from their family so they can isolate, and start to pick away at their self-esteem so they can bring them down and slowly take total control of their life. I would get away ASAP. Can you at least get away by going home to visit? Maybe getting time away would give you time to think.
"He gives me a dirty look everytime he sees me kiss or hug him!"
The more I read, the more I think he really is not only controlling but he is nuts. Thank God, you are sane enough to realize he is the one that is crazy.
Do his children have any contact with their Mom? If they do, what is that relationship like?
"If my son goes upstairs to his room after dinner, he will come sit with me." Didn't he know that you are a package deal and most families spend time together?
I think your son should be able to buy a XBox if he wants to and your husband should make his son share his games. If he doesn't want to share the games then it is time for your son to have his own games. After all he is is willing to sell other items to get a XBox and I take for granted that he takes care of his things. It sounds like his sons are starting to imitate their Dad's sad ways. Why does your husband want to make everything into a power struggle? If he continues to try to control your sons eating, your son will son become overweight.
"Tonight, I sat at dinner table with the whole family and for the first time I felt that me and my son don't belong there. I felt like a total stranger in this strange house that doesn't belong to me and I felt really scared.."
No one should have to feel this way in their own home.
"I should have asked if my husband's behavior was normal?"
No, if it was, no one would ever remarry.
"But now, I moved away from my whole family, left a good job and I have this to deal with on a daily basis."
Is your family aware of your situation? Would they help you get away from him and start over? You can always get another job if you can't get your other job back. The first thing abusive men do is get their victim away from their family so they can isolate, and start to pick away at their self-esteem so they can bring them down and slowly take total control of their life. I would get away ASAP. Can you at least get away by going home to visit? Maybe getting time away would give you time to think.
"He gives me a dirty look everytime he sees me kiss or hug him!"
The more I read, the more I think he really is not only controlling but he is nuts. Thank God, you are sane enough to realize he is the one that is crazy.
Do his children have any contact with their Mom? If they do, what is that relationship like?
Let's not continue to dwell on what is already done.
Mom did what felt right at the time. So did I. It's over now. All you can do now is go forward.....
Well I am an advocate of tough love- even for spouses! and I even passed your dilemma on to my own husband.... he has heard your whole story.
After reading your specifics sheeesh- you have to get family counseling. Give that husband a year- tell him to try harder- and tell him you're gone if he doesn't get it together.
I would not consider remarriage until the boy is grown.
And this is from a woman who absolutely hates divorce!
just my 2 cents.
Good luck- I will pray for your situation and for what is best for you all/
Mom did what felt right at the time. So did I. It's over now. All you can do now is go forward.....
Well I am an advocate of tough love- even for spouses! and I even passed your dilemma on to my own husband.... he has heard your whole story.
After reading your specifics sheeesh- you have to get family counseling. Give that husband a year- tell him to try harder- and tell him you're gone if he doesn't get it together.
I would not consider remarriage until the boy is grown.
And this is from a woman who absolutely hates divorce!
just my 2 cents.
Good luck- I will pray for your situation and for what is best for you all/
If, after trying to find a solution that will make everybody happy, you are unable to do that and you end up leaving the situation, I would bet you that your husband will do this again, if he ends up in another relationship with a woman who has a child. I have to say that I think it is extremely childish and very un-manly for him to give you the silent treatment. Just out of curiosity, how does your husband act when your son is away from you all summer? Again, this is only going to get worse. Your husband wants you to have the same loveless, dysfunctional relationship with your son that he has with his 3 unfortunate children. I know you won't let that happen. Please keep us posted and let us know how things turn out.
Sam, I read that. & I am not an expert in the matter. In my heart, I don't believe that children who are scared or worried should suffer through the night and be left alone because some expert says it's not okay to let them sleep with you...My son's first doctor told me it's okay. He said it was a very hard habit to break but he said only here in US, it's not okay and in many countries (such as my own) people do it all the time. I found out that the experts say it's not okay when it was too late. My son had been sleeping with me already for a few years. And I started right away in helping my son sleep in his own bed and he has been since he was 8 (he slept in his own bed at 6 but he would wake up in the middle of the night and come to mine). I am not sleepying with him now. He sometimes wants to lay down and watch a movie in my room but because of my husband I say no. At this age, I wouldn't even feel comfortable having him in my bed. (especially after my husbands accusiations!), so that is not the problem. The problem is not that he even wants to sleep in our room..he doesn't at all. The problem is that because of one seminar, my husband is accusing him of having sexual feelings for me...which I find crazy. He gives me a dirty look everytime he sees me kiss or hug him! At a first sign of anything wrong, I run to the doctor...If I felt anything was remotely wrong, I would take action and try to fix the problem...but I don't see any signs. My husband is finding all kinds of things wrong with my son all the time. That is the issue not my son. He is a normal 10 year old boy who loves his mom and dad...he is not in my room all the time..he plays with his friends and on his own in his room. He goes to his dads for the whole summer and misses me but doesn't make a fuss. He goes for sleep overs to his friends house and gets all pouty when I want to pick him up. He is not even a mama's boy...he just loves me like any child would love their mom.
I won't stop here..I will read more and I will talk to a child psycologist but as my therapist tells me, I am sure their answer would be couples therapy!
I just feel betrayed and lied to. My husband shouldn't have pretended to love my son when we were dating, if he didn't like kids. That's wrong and is coming back to haunt both of us now. But now, I moved away from my whole family, left a good job and I have this to deal with on a daily basis.
What do "you" suggest I do? I can't do anything about the past...he slept with me and that's a fact. Do you have any idea how devestating this would be to him, if he thought that his step dad thinks he is sick! & I send him to therapy because of that? Then for sure, I will have a sick child on my hands.
I am just fed up...there are mother out there that abuse their kids, ignore the, neglect them, and I am sitting here, fighting with my husband, sitting in my room alone for days getting the silence treatment because I cared for my child?! That's just nuts...
I won't stop here..I will read more and I will talk to a child psycologist but as my therapist tells me, I am sure their answer would be couples therapy!
I just feel betrayed and lied to. My husband shouldn't have pretended to love my son when we were dating, if he didn't like kids. That's wrong and is coming back to haunt both of us now. But now, I moved away from my whole family, left a good job and I have this to deal with on a daily basis.
What do "you" suggest I do? I can't do anything about the past...he slept with me and that's a fact. Do you have any idea how devestating this would be to him, if he thought that his step dad thinks he is sick! & I send him to therapy because of that? Then for sure, I will have a sick child on my hands.
I am just fed up...there are mother out there that abuse their kids, ignore the, neglect them, and I am sitting here, fighting with my husband, sitting in my room alone for days getting the silence treatment because I cared for my child?! That's just nuts...
Have no comments other than to say this was a very interesting thread and good input from all on a touchy and all too frequent problem, I think we have all learned a lot from reading it, Thank you
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