how to make my 5 year old understand us

[anna3113]

My son is 5yrs old. And it seems to us he is acting out in an unusual way. I lived with my dad up until my son was 4. Me and his new dad are living together  now. My son acts so bad and dosnt respect me or his (father). We do spend time with him so its not like hes being neglected.We have never even dreamed of hitting him. The major problem we are having is that no mater what we do he just dose not show any sign of respect and dose not listen to any thing we say. We have tried the talking calmly approach, we have tried the time out, taking toys away, yelling every type of method. Taking him out in public is out of the question always resulting in an out break like non other, and we cant yell at him or discipline him in the middle of a store. We live in apartments and are afraid that the neighbors are going to call CPS on us just because of the screaming he dose because he dosent get what he wants. What other options do we have?

[anna3113]

Well thank you everyone, I have used the time outs and yes i do take him out for fun but with his bad behavior i haven't. He is doing a little better and to be honest no one really knows who i am so dont think that i had a kid and "got with man", it really took me that long to find the perfect man who is a great father figure. Now we are all doing better and going to go see a specialist so that we are knowing how my son feels. So thank you all.

[AnnieBrooke]

Good point, smartie, and I hope you do well in the future.  I hope you can also express to your mother that you want to do something fun with just her alone, on a regular basis.  It will help a lot.  Good luck to you.

[smartie1]

I know how he feels my mother just got married and I am 10 i have to admit I have also been acting out, I understand it dose not feel good to have a new person telling you what to do, if your son got a girlfriend even though he is to young, and your sons girlfriend came in your house, ate your food, and slept in your sons bed, how would you feel? I know it seems you BOTH are giving him attention but you should have a time with just you and him to go bowling, eat out, etc.

[Sandman2]

  Rockrose is pretty much on target.  To change his behavior, you have to do it when the behavior happens.  At that age, there is no other way.  All  of the things he is doing are pretty typical for a 5 year old.  They don't think long term.  They don't show respect (heck, it takes going through boot camp in the army to learn that sometimes).  Don't get caught up  in the respect and not listening thing.  Its not important to what you are trying to do.  You want to modify his behavior.  You use timeouts.  They must be immediate and consistent.  It will take up to three weeks of this to effect a change.  Don't stop because it seems it is not working.  Let the neighbors know that he may be screaming for awhile, but tell them in about 3 weeks it will stop.  They have probably gone through the same thing. (I know I sure did with my daughter.).  He has learned that screaming works, and now he has to learn that it will not work.  A really good book that you can buy through Amazon to help you with this is, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.  She lays out in detail what I just quickly covered.    Best wishes.

[RockRose]

It sounds like your problem,  anna,  is that you are afraid to take control.  The fact that you can't take him out in public because you can't discipline him there is completely off track.  Yes,  you can discipline him in public.    You can yank him up,  take him to the car and make him stay in his room for 2 hours if he misbehaves in public.  Talk about this beforehand,  that if he misbehaves in public he'll get one warning (that's fair) and after that he'll be yanked up and taken out of there - wherever it is - and he'll have to spend time in his room.

He won't misbehave in public much after that.  You just have to be clear in your expectations and follow through.  And people in public completely understand this - don't be afraid of embarrassment.  When your child knows he can embarrass you,  you've lost the battle.

[anna3113]

his new dad has been apart of our life for two years and he calls him daddy. Yes there is a reason he dose the things he dose but it feels like he refuses to tell us or just says "i dont know" every time. we are really at our wits end. it seems he really only thinks about short term consequences and not long term goals.He breaks almost any new toy he gets and dosnt think twice about what hes doing.

[AnnieBrooke]

You say "his new dad."  Are you married and has the man adopted him?  If not, and you are just living with some guy, your son might not feel it is a permanent situation and resent the big change in his life that this has represented.  Kids are traditionalists, they like their parents to be married.  Even at 5, he might feel some of this.

I'd see a children's therapist with him and without the man you're living with, and talk it over and ask him genuinely what is happening that causes him to act this way.  It sounds like you haven't really asked him, you've just tried to discipline him into doing what you want.  It's been my experience that kids usually have a reason for what they do, and they can often tell you what it is.  (Even when it is not logical, they usually have a reason.)  On one end of the scale, he might be being bratty, but on the other end of the scale, he could even be being abused.  You need to find out from him (preferably with a neutral professional standing by to make sure your questions are not simply veiled demands that he "behave").

Good luck.