Son with no self-control/diagnosed add/possible aspergers

[jen8569]

I am at a loss for our son. We have him in therapy and it does not seem to help. What do you do with a child who takes no responsibility for actions, no self control, doesn't follow rules (home or otherwise), makes people mad on purpose, doesn't follow through with instructions for chores, ignores requests, cannot make friends because he annoys them, desires friendships but has none because they can't stand his behaviors, is rigid in thinking, argues everything, will not follow through with instruction,and this year he got so fixated on a disagreement over a violation of his religious rights that when she wouldn't budge he burnt himself, then they call children services to investigate. We have other children and we are afraid his choices or whatever is going on with him is putting our family at risk and himself. If you compliment any progress he will sabatoge it. We have done rewards, consequences, contracts, charts, grounding,severe discipline times, light discipline times and he is on Concerta and zoloft. It is like he needs the supervison of a toddler. This is overwhelming and exhausting on our family. He can be fun but will ruin it by starting arguments or getting handsy with people or name call. He takes everything personally. Therapy does not seem to be working. What can we do?

[jen8569]

You are bold in your response. We love our son and have always tried everything any professional and non professionals have suggested we try. We have taken parenting classes to better understand teens or even for other tips or ideas. We are in this with him, we are not pawning him off for someone else to deal with and believe he is a wonderful kid who has a great personality and potential. Intellectually he is very smart. Socially he does is extremely immature all. I am here using this as another possible source to help us be able to help him reach his potential socially so that kids will want to be his friend.  We do have therapy with him. We also have other children and know that kids will be kids and they mature with time. He just isn't maturing with time. Our expectations are realistic at least according to the school and therapist since they have the same expectations. I am hear looking for suggestions or words of hope that someone else has dealt with similiar things and what they can offer up for wisdom.

[jen8569]

2 different school psychologist and 1 private psychologist have all suggested possible aspergers and that is one of the test we will be getting back this week. From what I have read up on aspergers he does display some othe traits with talking excessively about things that interest him and does not pick up on social cues as the most obvious ones.

[momagain59]

I feel your pain and I do know how stressful a child with special needs that are mostly behavioral can be on a family. I hope you have someone that can watch him so you can get time away. Does he attend public school? If so, does he have a behavioral plan? Has Oppositional Defiant been mentioned at all? Is the Dr. that you mentioned a psychiatrist? If not, I would take him to see one. If so, and he does not offer any other ideas, I would change his Dr. How long has he been taking these meds? Have other meds been tried? Has he ever been on a mood stabilizer or anti-depressants? I understand that no one wants to medicate a child but in order for him to be more productive and lead a somewhat normal life, he needs to be on the right meds. Does he go to therapy?

[jen8569]

If we need to go out we can leave him home by himself. When by himself he is okay the worst he does is eat things he shouldn't (someone else's or told not that for anther meal or until something is all gone). He does attend public school and they do not seem to suggest much just suspend him. I have asked about oppositional difiant and was suggest no, but maybe new testing will say otherwise. He has been taking meds since 4th grade. He has never been on mood stabilizer but I understand zoloft to be an anti-depressent. He has a dr. appt. tuesday and we are going to ask about a mood stabilizer.He does go to therapy and loves going, however he doesn't take their suggestions to him on how to handle conflict situations or even suggestions in other areas he just goes off his impulse. It as if he know right from wrong, what you would do in most situations,but when it comes down to it for him, he lacks the ability to follow through in action what he knows in his mind. If this were just a few areas it would not be so overwelming but this is all areas in all environments. We are willing to do whatever we can that is within our finances. We have looked into behavioral camps or schools, but the finances are not there. I don't want him to be away, I would like him to succeed at home & have his siblings enjoy him.

[momagain59]

My son is taking abilify for his moods and it has been a miracle. I have heard so much about applied behavior working for these kids but it is also expensive and insurance does not cover it. I cannot wait until the world wakes up and realizes it would be easier and cheaper to help our children at a young age instead of institutionalizing them as adults.

The school should have him on an IEP (Individual Education Plan) with a behavior plan in place. You can ask them at any time to evaluate your son. If they have been kicking him out due to behaviors they have to show where they have tried to help him. If their behavior plan doesn't help him then they will have to change it until it does. We have been fighting them for 3 years and have learned a lot in the process. We have come along ways but the public school in our area is not very knowledgeable about working with children with behaviors. For some reason they feel the child can control all of their behaviors and they choose to get in trouble. They will not tell you your rights but there are child advocates that will help you defend your child if needed.

I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this and most people will not have a clue the stress that you are under. I know you love your son or you would have given up along time ago. Do you know any other parents in a similar situation that you can vent with? I find that to be more helpful than anything else. Talking to average people with normal children can make things worse because then I find myself defending my parenting skills instead of sharing ideas that might work.

I would read up on Oppositional Defiant because you have described that to a T. If you are not happy will the evaluation that you get, you can always get a second opinion. Parents know their children better than anyone else and we have to be their advocate all of their lives. Researching as much as you can will help you get DRs. to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Does your son have any delays or is his IQ in the normal range? Good Luck and I am looking forward to hear what you find out from his latest eval. I find all of these different diagnoses interesting and I love to hear what works because I am also up for trying whatever will work for these kids.

[jen8569]

Thank you for your help. I will read up more on the ODD. He has an above average IQ which is another dilemma. He does have an IEP and this is the first year he qualified for one after having been tested 2 times before. I got the number of a advocate before we had our last IEP meeting and she never called back. Starting to feel helpless. The dilemma with his IQ is he can do the work in the classes, but in our school district it was explained to me if he goes in to a behavioral or emotionally handicapped class setting then he will not receive a diploma and he knows that means in our state you will not get into a college without a core40 diploma. He got a one day suspension from the bus for today because on friday he threw a empty pop bottle at a boy on the bus that was "making him mad" and "would not leave him alone", I mentioned to her that he did not get his meds that morning and she said that was no excuse. Which to me it is not an excuse, just an explanation of why he may have done that on this day and other days he has not. He answer to me was maybe he needs to ride the special needs bus. Instead of my suggestion of having him sit right behind her so that she can see and hear him at all times.
To a point I get frustrated because schools push medicate you kids with the thought that it will be better, and it usually is. But if they miss it and their behavior is bad that day they say it does not excuse it and punish them just the same even knowing the medication helps.
I do feel like I am on the defensive of our parenting and we do not know any other parents who deal with this.
I will keep you posted what the dr. says.
I have a few questions whether abilify would work for my son, only because the concerta causes vocal tics, and I have heard abilify can cause irreversable involuntary body movements.
Is your child on concerta or other meds with abilify?