Don't trust myself to make the right choice

[so_unsure]

Been married almost 5yrs and am now on affair #2.  The history is that I met my husband when I was 23 and after a month of dating he proposed, and a month after that we were married in a courthouse.  He is 10yrs older than me, and I was very much in love with him.  We had a great first 2yrs or so together and then since he worked nights and I worked days, I started to get extremely lonely.  My husband is also very quiet and we hardly talk about anything.  I started having an affair that went on pretty intensely for 6 months and then my husband found out.  He confronted me about it, and at the time I had been planning to look at a place to live with this other guy.  My husband expressed that he loved me very much and didn't want to lose me and we decided to stay together and I tried to end my contact with the other man.  He was extremely persistant, I even got his number blocked, but he still called me at work and whatnot.  We continued to see each other and be intimate, but it was extremely few and far between.  I have since lost all interest in this other guy, but he still to this day texts me every so often.  Since losing interest in this other man, I started taking a very hard look at my marraige.  My husband had some neck and shoulder pain for a few years now, but he has had therapy that has greatly improved it and he seems a little livelier.  However, we only have sex maybe once a month.  We still don't communicate as much as I feel I need and in the past I expressed that I am not happy and we need to do something about it, and I'm not sure why, but my husband just seemed to brush me off.  I started going to therapy, but my husband would not attend.  I felt like he didn't really care if we stayed together.  I know I screwed things up with that affair and it was hard for him to forgive me.  But I am a very sexual person, and he hardly ever touched me or made me feel like he wanted me or was attracted to me.  Six months into therapy, a man came into my life that is incredible.  When we met, he was extremely easy to talk to, and in starting our friendship, I disclosed that I have pretty much given up on my marraige, and knew divorce was in my future.  He was an attractive man, and he was very attracted to me.  Then one day he told me he wanted to kiss me and it was such a whirlwind, we started having an affair.  It is intense and incredible and I feel so in love with him.  The decision should be easy at this point, but suddenly my husband has started to try to do everything I always wanted him to do.  He's being playful, making me feel wanted, trying to wine and dine me, and trying to initiate sex a lot more.  However, I feel like this affair number two was the breaking point to push me over the edge and finally decide to end it and I had started to look at places to live on my own.  I almost feel like its too little too late, as I can see my husband is trying, but for some reason I'm not being receptive to it, and I feel like I'm not in love with him anymore (but I do love him in a sense that I care very much about him).  The fact that he is suddenly trying makes me feel extremely guilty.  Part of the reason why I stayed with him after the first affair was that since I married him, I felt obligate to try and make it work.  I still feel obligated to him since we are married, but I don't know if I will ever be happy with him, and if I will ever be able to stay faithful because of that.   Any thoughts?

[specialmom]

Well this is a public forum and one's religious beliefs don't necessarily carry over to everyone who posts here.  We all need to remember that and post accordingly.

I think that for some it IS the right decision to leave a marriage and hurting our partner over and over is one of those reasons.  She married very young and has some things to work through to grow emotionally.  And I will say that a marriage takes two.  If her husband is unwilling to work on their shared issues as a couple, he is actually exiting the marriage emotionally.  

I'm not a fan of divorce and encourage couples to do everything possible to work it out.  Sometimes it just can't be made better.  Wishing her luck as she sorts it all out.

[DellaKemp]

I know that you adressed some of the stuff that I was saying, hince why I said in my post, I agree...  IMO, I wouldn't go attacking someones church saying that something ashould have been an indicator that Christ is not there especially if you know nothing abut that church. You said that Christians aren't supposed to judge, but offer kind christian advice, well based on what i gathered from ticked's post, the chuirch was telling her mother the same thing you are saying. Same advice. Its all in the way it is said and perceived. Please don't apologize for trying to bring the Christian perspective into this. You should Never apologize for that.Its an awesome perspective that needs to be shown and talked about in a lot of lifes situations. What better way to witness :)

[tbabi20]

DellaKemp: God gave only one cause why a wife should leave her husband, or the husband leave his wife, which was adultery. For everything else you wrote, I already addressed that. I said they should communicate and determine if it's worth salvaging. I think the entire thing really is up to him, because she was the one cheating. Not that she doesn't get a choice too, but the hurt is more him than anything, if she wants to continue things.

Ticked: The people that judged your mother did not acting in a Christian way. Christians know that they are not to judge but only offer their advice, support and sympathy. That should have been her indicator that Christ isn't in that church, and possibly just left. I'm saddened that she was worried about what man thinks.The case is between her and her husband and their God together. The church never knew of her circumstances but truly God knows and sees all.

Anyways, A woman may be legally divorced from her husband by the laws of the land and yet not divorced in the sight of God and according to the higher law. There is only one sin, which is adultery, which can place the husband or wife in a position where they can be free from the marriage vow in the sight of God. Although the laws of the land may grant a divorce, yet they are husband and wife still in the Bible light, according to the laws of God.

I guess since she's not a christian so we should just give her all kinds of advice, since Christianity isn't valid here. Sorry for wanting to give her a Christians perspective. I just don't see enough of them on here anymore and I wonder why?

[DellaKemp]

Oh also, I don't think it was a matter of she was tooo young to get married, She just wasn't ready to get married.And thats ok. But to put an age on it is not fair IMO. I have been married for 2 yrs and I am 23.

[DellaKemp]

tbabi20: The bible always spoke int terms from the male point of view, but I am soo sure that it goes both ways. All I was saying is the the bond is broken. I was talking about whose choice it is to leave or not to leave.  So If the husband cheats on his wife, and the bond is broken, the wife still has no choice in the matter if she wants to leave even though she was the one cheated on? I know that she did the cheating, and I agree, that she should do everything in her power to make it work, but if her heart is no longer in, then no amount of work is going to make it beter and staying together by his choice or hers is only going to make them even more miserable and cause even more sinning, and isn't there a verse in the bible that talks about not putting your brother or sister in Christ in a postion where they will be tempted.

Ticked: You are soo right, if she doesn't believe, then none of this will apply.

[ticked]

If she doesn't believe in the bible it wouldn't make a difference on her decision.

Her mind and body is not in this relationship.  Why hurt him more, that is all I am saying.

I believe that marriage is a forever thing and I don't plan on getting married unless I know for sure, but not everyone believes that.  

I have always been the one that was cheated on so I am bothered by anyone who cheats, and I could never stay in a relationship when someone has cheated on me.  Sorry I just dont think its ever the same.

I have seen some people make it work and stay together and some of them are Christians but I don't believe that the one cheated on ever really forgets and they are the ones that have to live with that.


Why would you want to stay with someone that has been with another women?  Not just one time but for a long period of time.  

As much as I believe in the sacrament of marriage I would never stay. JMO