Don't trust myself to make the right choice

[so_unsure]

Been married almost 5yrs and am now on affair #2.  The history is that I met my husband when I was 23 and after a month of dating he proposed, and a month after that we were married in a courthouse.  He is 10yrs older than me, and I was very much in love with him.  We had a great first 2yrs or so together and then since he worked nights and I worked days, I started to get extremely lonely.  My husband is also very quiet and we hardly talk about anything.  I started having an affair that went on pretty intensely for 6 months and then my husband found out.  He confronted me about it, and at the time I had been planning to look at a place to live with this other guy.  My husband expressed that he loved me very much and didn't want to lose me and we decided to stay together and I tried to end my contact with the other man.  He was extremely persistant, I even got his number blocked, but he still called me at work and whatnot.  We continued to see each other and be intimate, but it was extremely few and far between.  I have since lost all interest in this other guy, but he still to this day texts me every so often.  Since losing interest in this other man, I started taking a very hard look at my marraige.  My husband had some neck and shoulder pain for a few years now, but he has had therapy that has greatly improved it and he seems a little livelier.  However, we only have sex maybe once a month.  We still don't communicate as much as I feel I need and in the past I expressed that I am not happy and we need to do something about it, and I'm not sure why, but my husband just seemed to brush me off.  I started going to therapy, but my husband would not attend.  I felt like he didn't really care if we stayed together.  I know I screwed things up with that affair and it was hard for him to forgive me.  But I am a very sexual person, and he hardly ever touched me or made me feel like he wanted me or was attracted to me.  Six months into therapy, a man came into my life that is incredible.  When we met, he was extremely easy to talk to, and in starting our friendship, I disclosed that I have pretty much given up on my marraige, and knew divorce was in my future.  He was an attractive man, and he was very attracted to me.  Then one day he told me he wanted to kiss me and it was such a whirlwind, we started having an affair.  It is intense and incredible and I feel so in love with him.  The decision should be easy at this point, but suddenly my husband has started to try to do everything I always wanted him to do.  He's being playful, making me feel wanted, trying to wine and dine me, and trying to initiate sex a lot more.  However, I feel like this affair number two was the breaking point to push me over the edge and finally decide to end it and I had started to look at places to live on my own.  I almost feel like its too little too late, as I can see my husband is trying, but for some reason I'm not being receptive to it, and I feel like I'm not in love with him anymore (but I do love him in a sense that I care very much about him).  The fact that he is suddenly trying makes me feel extremely guilty.  Part of the reason why I stayed with him after the first affair was that since I married him, I felt obligate to try and make it work.  I still feel obligated to him since we are married, but I don't know if I will ever be happy with him, and if I will ever be able to stay faithful because of that.   Any thoughts?

[ticked]

Here is my suggestion.

Leave and start your life over.  You were too young to marry and it happened to quickly.

I too used to have boyfriends with no breaks. I was never alone and I always felt like I needed someone.

When I left my ex I was soooo alone and it hurt so much.  After three years I started to realize that I loved being alone and that I dont need to depend on a guy.  I learned a lot about my needs and wants and now I have found someone that truly loves me and takes care of me and always makes me feel like I am his world.  

I really learned alot not dating during those years and I really think that its important.

I know if feels good when the other guy is texting you. You want to feel needed and wanted. There is nothing wrong with that, unless you are in a relationship with someone else then it becomes wrong.

[specialmom]

We are all worth it enough to be happy and you should take steps to do so.  I think finding out who you are without men in the picture will be one step in that.  I'd not date for a solid year.  That will be very hard to do for you, I'm sure.  But during that time, as you learn to live with yourself and not needing the male attention or secondary gain of feeling desired, etc.---------- you may actually develop what it takes to be satisfied without it.  Then it will just be something nice to experience verses your driving force that causes havok in your life.  

It is concerning that your husband will not open up to you about problems, will not attend therapy, etc.  You'd hope to see a better effort from someone trying to save their marriage.  You said he is trying in different ways though which is good.  But I just think you are really in a position to either acknowledge that this marriage was not a great idea and has run its course (especially before kids are involved which changes everything) or put your full heart and soul into repairing it.  

I also think that when we have a negative pattern, we need to break the cycle.  One of the other reasons I recommend you take a complete break from men.  You will have to be firm.  Things like guy number one still texting requires a short statement to him saying "I do not want to have any more contact with you.  Stop calling me.  I'm keeping a record of this that I've asked you to stop contacting me.  Thank you."  You'll have to fight your desire of secondary gain which feeds your ego or the part of you that wants to feel desired.  

I do wish you luck.  Keep seeing your therapist and I think you'll be okay.  

[tbabi20]

Sorry. Just because you have issues and are hurting doesn't mean he understands and feels the same...

[tbabi20]

Yes I believe everyone is entitled to happiness in their life but at this point it's something you have to do for yourself. No one said it would be easy but if your really determined to make it work than you'll do all you can to make it so. You can have happiness, you just need to stop hurting others in the process of trying to make yourself "happy". The happiness you seek isn't genuine happiness. Perhaps when your on your own for a little while it may help you see what you have and then it could do much bad because then your truly free and there's no guarantee that you won't keep on doing what hurts yourself and your husband. Continue to do soul searching and communicate with your husband. Just because your have issues and are hurting means he understands and feels the same. These are issues you must deal with because the majority of the issues you face in your relationship stem from your selfishness. I hope things work out for you and it is my sincere desire that you find true happiness with your husband in a precious loving home. Take care, Trina :)

[so_unsure]

I appreciate all the feedback... I really do, even though some of it is hard to read.  Ever since I started dating, I haven't been alone for more than 2 or 3 months at a time.  The fact that I want my husband to make me feel like he wants me has been brought up in my therapy, but there has been no resolution yet, perhaps we need to spend some time on it.  I do feel like I need to get my own place and be alone for awhile, and have been checking out places that would be affordable to me being on my own.  I don't want to be the terrible immature person that cheats because I am selfish.  I just want to be happy.  And I really did try to improve my marraige for the longest time.  I have asked my husband a million times if there is anything I can do to improve our relationship because I do realize that if I'm unhappy, then he probably is too, but he always says no, and that everything is fine.  This is the part that's so frustrating, is that he says everything is fine, and it sooo not in my eyes.  I started being on antidepressants and going to therapy for myself at first, and then I went for my marraige, but he refused to go with me.  I don't feel entitled to cheat, but I do hope that I'm worth it enough to be happy in my life.  

[seven_iron]

specialmom gives you excellent advice, but I will tell you what they don't teach you in school.  You married your husband within two months of your courtship - you said you were "in love."  Well, according to doctors, biologists, people in the psyciatric field, you were in the "love bubble."  This is the point early in a relationship when you are literally addicted to the new relationship because of all the "feel good" chemicals that are released in your brain.  Love?  Well, I am a believer that love is as much an intention as anything - it is NOT a feeling.  This is why affairs are so attractive - you are almost guaranteed, at least in the short term, all of those good chemical feelings in your brain and incredible passionate, intense sex - it is a given.  You think you have found your soul mate, right? Wrong.  Wonderful people DO NOT have affairs with married people.  Broken people do that.

I am surprised friends and family did not try to talk you out of marrying so quickly.  A guideline my friends use is to date at least all 4 seasons (OK - it means one year) and that way you fall into a more comfortable, normal pattern and learn whether or not this is a person you want to build a life with.  I think two years dating before marriage is well worth it.

Your affairs?  Horribly immature, sorry.  There is almost nothing more hurtful you can do to a spouse than betray them sneaking around in an affair.  If you want these other men you are seeing, please at least be an adult.  End your marriage.  Take some time to learn to be ALONE - then pursue these other men.  Your husband, for all his faults (and I think you may be playing a bit of the blame/justification game right now) deserves better.

I wish you much luck.  Relationships shouldn't be hard, but sometimes they are.