Don't trust myself to make the right choice

[so_unsure]

Been married almost 5yrs and am now on affair #2.  The history is that I met my husband when I was 23 and after a month of dating he proposed, and a month after that we were married in a courthouse.  He is 10yrs older than me, and I was very much in love with him.  We had a great first 2yrs or so together and then since he worked nights and I worked days, I started to get extremely lonely.  My husband is also very quiet and we hardly talk about anything.  I started having an affair that went on pretty intensely for 6 months and then my husband found out.  He confronted me about it, and at the time I had been planning to look at a place to live with this other guy.  My husband expressed that he loved me very much and didn't want to lose me and we decided to stay together and I tried to end my contact with the other man.  He was extremely persistant, I even got his number blocked, but he still called me at work and whatnot.  We continued to see each other and be intimate, but it was extremely few and far between.  I have since lost all interest in this other guy, but he still to this day texts me every so often.  Since losing interest in this other man, I started taking a very hard look at my marraige.  My husband had some neck and shoulder pain for a few years now, but he has had therapy that has greatly improved it and he seems a little livelier.  However, we only have sex maybe once a month.  We still don't communicate as much as I feel I need and in the past I expressed that I am not happy and we need to do something about it, and I'm not sure why, but my husband just seemed to brush me off.  I started going to therapy, but my husband would not attend.  I felt like he didn't really care if we stayed together.  I know I screwed things up with that affair and it was hard for him to forgive me.  But I am a very sexual person, and he hardly ever touched me or made me feel like he wanted me or was attracted to me.  Six months into therapy, a man came into my life that is incredible.  When we met, he was extremely easy to talk to, and in starting our friendship, I disclosed that I have pretty much given up on my marraige, and knew divorce was in my future.  He was an attractive man, and he was very attracted to me.  Then one day he told me he wanted to kiss me and it was such a whirlwind, we started having an affair.  It is intense and incredible and I feel so in love with him.  The decision should be easy at this point, but suddenly my husband has started to try to do everything I always wanted him to do.  He's being playful, making me feel wanted, trying to wine and dine me, and trying to initiate sex a lot more.  However, I feel like this affair number two was the breaking point to push me over the edge and finally decide to end it and I had started to look at places to live on my own.  I almost feel like its too little too late, as I can see my husband is trying, but for some reason I'm not being receptive to it, and I feel like I'm not in love with him anymore (but I do love him in a sense that I care very much about him).  The fact that he is suddenly trying makes me feel extremely guilty.  Part of the reason why I stayed with him after the first affair was that since I married him, I felt obligate to try and make it work.  I still feel obligated to him since we are married, but I don't know if I will ever be happy with him, and if I will ever be able to stay faithful because of that.   Any thoughts?

[tbabi20]

DellaKemp: Yes I know that but it is up to her husband to determine if he wishes to continue on since loyalty and trust has been broken. Marriages that face infidelity can be saved - I've seen it happen, but it takes an effort on both their parts. It's like when Hosea married a prostiute. How many times did he forgive her? He did it because he consulted with God and he loved her. Marriage is a symbol of Christ and the church. How many times has the church turned it's back on God and worshipped foreign gods? Many many many times, but God never gave up on her. He punished her sometimes but ultimately forgave and and won her back by his love. This is the way marriages should be too. Forbearance, forgiveness and love. We all make mistakes....

Ticked: Again it's not her choice to leave. It's her husbands. The Bible makes it clear that the person who committed adultery is not to marry again but he can because he didn't commit adultery. I think they should work it out and try. Marriages can survive when their is adultery. He survived the first one, he seems like a good guy - so if she possibly makes it clear that she has a problem and wants to go to counseling together he may stick around. There has to be a change in her and I would hate to see her leave her husband and be unhappy knowing she never tried to make things better and now is living worse than before.

I hope this clears up any confusion and I hope no one sees this an attack on them. I'm simply staying what is fair and logical. I think the way the world is the way it is is because too many people want to do what heir feeling dictate rather than what is morally right and wrong to do. There would be a lot more happy marriages in this world if people would learn what marriage is about before jumping into one, in blind passion.

[ticked]

Exactly DellaKemp.

My mother chose to stay even after being cheated on because the church made her feel guilty and told her it was the right thing to do. As per the bible she had the right to leave.

[DellaKemp]

You quote the bible correctly, but once infidelity had happend, the bond of marriage from a biblcal standpoint has been broken.

Matthew 19:8-9

[ticked]

Why would I tell her to leave?  When you cheat you the other person will never forget.  It will always be there.  There has been deceit and getting past that is hard.  Coming from someone who as been cheated on, she needs to leave.  

I dont agree with someone leaving a marriage except for this reason.  

I also say to leave because it is not fair to him for her to be in a relationship.

Sorry if you disagree its my opinion.

[penswriter]

I'm with tbabi. Say she runs away, if she doesn't fix herself and her problems what's to stop her from cheating again? and again. and again.and again. As soon as the next man/bf/husband in her life begins to get tired/not show interest/enough interest she'll run to the first man who does. My mom has done the same thing all through my life. She's working on husband number 6 or 7. (the only wedding I wasn't in was when she married my dad...husband number 1) Needless to say...I have zero respect for her. I love her to death, she is my mom and aside from the bed hopping she was/is a great mom. Took care of my brother and I but...still. What will her children think?

[tbabi20]

Marriage is lifelong. That is the choice she made, why would you tell her to leave when she's the cause of all the heartache. She needs to focus on fixing herself not running away and making a new life.