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I'm pregnant and he's mad - sult or get over it?

me and my boyfriend have known each other for 6 years now and have been on and off throughtout that time. We never used the terms "bf/gf" until really last year when he moved in with me. I wasnt on birth control(until recently , a few months ago) and he didnt use condoms he would just "pull out". I was on the birth control patch and anyone who has used it you know you are suppsed to wear it for three weeks (changing it every week) and the fourth week you arent supposed to wear it and have to get a refill for my next cycle. Well I never wet to pick up a refill and at I actually had a GYN appt coming up so I asked my doctor when should I apply the patch again and he said just after my next cycle starts like normal. I picked up my refill but my cycle was nowhere in sight. I had a follow up appt with my GYN to get a procedure done and asked them if they could do a pregnancy test just in case and before I get the procedure done. (I didnt think i was pregnancy I only wanted to be tested to rule it out). The doctor comes back in the room and tells me the test was positive! I was shocked. I was in such disbelief the doctor actually went to the lab to get the test to bring it back and show me. I couldnt believe I was really pregnant. As soon as I got home I told my boyfriend and he at first thought I was playing because earlier that day he played two jokes on me. Once he knew that I was serious he whole attitude changed. He was so upset and called me stupid and irresponsilbe for not keeping up with the patch. He doesnt want me to keep the baby and wants me to have an abortion. I dont agree with getting abortions and he mad that I wont get one. Even if I were to have one done I would never be able to live with myself and would regret it for the rest of my life. He said that he would drive me to get it done and pay for it and he would be with me every step of the way and help me through. He said if i want to have a baby we can have it at another time but not right. I told him its not about paying for it I just dont agree with it. He said if I keep the baby he will pack his stuff and leave and wants nothing to do with me and the baby at all. Hearing him say that did hurt me to be honest because I really didnt think he would bail like that on me.He is still currently at the house but we havent spoke in days and we pretty much do our own thing and stay out of each others way. Has anyone else been through something like this or similiar?
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134578 tn?1614729226
He can certainly "pack his stuff and leave," but he can't "have nothing to do with [you] and the baby at all." He is legally responsible to pay child support until the child is 18, or through high school, or 21, depending on what state you live in. Sorry, but if he's mad because you were careless with the patch he should have worn a condom, he can't walk out on his legal responsibilites just by saying he wants nothing to do with the child. The law does not smile upon scofflaw daddies.

That said, what you have done is saddle him with 18 or 19 or 21 years of (pretty noticeable-sized) monthly payments, and a child to worry about and help be responsible for, when all he thought he was doing was having some fun. No wonder he's mad. He should have thought harder about the consequences, and now you're holding him to a deal (the child being born) that he never thought he was entering into in the first place.

So, what to do? It doesn't sound like being on and off for 6 years and then moving in together last year is a portrait that he is committed to you forever and planned to marry you. This suggests you had better assume you'll have go it alone with mommyhood, except for standing firm on child support of course. If you know his mom or other close relative, tell her that you're pregnant, but that her son doesn't want the child, and you assume it means you'll be breaking up. Tell her this happened by accident, but that you won't have an abortion. Tell her that you anticipate arguments in the future about child support. Someone in his family needs to know that the baby is coming and that you two didn't break up because you had been cheating or anything (i.e., that the baby is his), which might cross her mind if you two break up when you're pregnant. Birth-control accidents happen. It's too bad, but you didn't do it on purpose. She needs to know that.

Tell your boyfriend that you're going to talk to his mom and ask if he wants to come along.

Try to stay calm if you two begin to argue. You'll need a relationship of some kind with this guy for 19-22 more years.

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7 Comments
Well, not necessarily.  Sorry to speak like a lawyer, but I was one a long time ago in another life, but that depends on the circumstances.  And these circumstances are going to be a dilly if this ends up in court if as it sounds, he thought birth control was being used.  You can't force someone to be a Dad.  This couple is living together, so they're more than casual.  We don't know if love is involved.  If love is involved and you want this relationship to continue, someone is going to have to compromise, and if that isn't happening and the baby is happening, for the welfare of the child I would recommend couples counseling and possibly a mediator.  Because again, you can't force someone to be a Dad, and so it isn't certain he will be ordered to be involved financially or any other way.  You didn't do this to him on purpose, but you did do this to him.  Now, no birth control is 100% effective, so any time we engage in sex we know a child might be the result.  In this case we also don't know why he objects to having a child, but it might be you're both too young to have one.  Life is very expensive these days, and neither of you might be ready for this.  The fact you have religious reasons not to abort and he doesn't share those is something you can't bridge, as religion is faith and dogma and not reason.  No way to argue that one, you just are the way you are and he's trying to do what's best for him -- and maybe you too but we don't really know that.  So again, therapy and mediation are your options here if you want to try to avoid single parenthood.  It happened and it can't unhappen if you refuse to abort, which is your right.  It's his right to insist or be counted out.  When both are right, you either compromise or you're done.  
I don't think the issue is taking him to court to "be a Dad," he's already made it clear he has no intention of acting like a parent. I do think he can't get out of child support because she made a mistake on contraception. It's still his child, and at least in the past five to ten years, courts are getting tired of letting daddies off the hook and putting kids on welfare. Maybe if he could prove outright fraud on her part, he'd be able to find a sympathetic judge, but the fact is that he didn't take much responsibility for birth control, when  the two of them were in a relatively casual relationship (not planning on getting married and having kids soon). He could have asked her about her patches, he could have used condoms. Sounds like he was asleep at the switch. This doesn't usually get you off the hook for parental financial responsibility.
Also, since in most states the law basically says that both parents are financially responsible for the child, it might not even be on her to go after him for support. If she goes on any kind of public assistance, the state will come after him for any child support he is not paying.
You only pay what we call child support by court order.  Otherwise, it's voluntary, and it is what the parties agree to, which could be anything.  In this case, he thought he was having sex with someone who was using birth control.  There is no law that requires someone to question another person nor any law that requires a certain form of birth control.  The problem here is that she didn't tell him she has stopped the birth control.  If she had, he could have used a condom, but this was their way of doing it and nobody requires a guy to check on this every time they have sex.  The law is what a court interprets it to be, but to force a man who thought he was having protected sex to become a father is slavery, and that's what you're arguing, and while some states would rule this way others might not.  A lot will depend on the judge and the ability of the woman to support the child etc.  It's much easier when both parties have the same information about what's going on, but in this case one person withheld that info from the other and so while you may turn out to be right in the end I wouldn't want to bet the rest of my financial life on that.  This isn't a casual relationship, they are living together.  Marriage isn't the only way to be committed to another person.  A child is a choice both partners have to agree on, or if it's just an accident, that's a known risk.  But to have sex without protection with someone who is a regular partner and knows you are using protection and didn't know you stopped, well, again, you're forcing this person to be a Dad, and that isn't the law anywhere.  I would hate for this person to find this out the hard way because if he won't help out it will end up in court and if she loses there, she's stuck.  That's why I highly recommend immediate counseling and probably mediation because this could become very very nasty for the rest of their lives if she doesn't change her mind and abort.  It's absolutely not legal to make here do that so they are in a stalemate that I highly suggest they try to solve with the good feelings they have shared before it becomes something quite dramatic.  
I agree that this is a matter for counseling, not lawsuits. And that the situation where birth control has failed puts a big burden on both prospective parents. Here's a thoughtful article on the topic. https://familylawyermagazine.com/the-accidental-father-and-paternity/
Again, that's a different situation.  In this situation, birth control didn't fail.  She stopped using it.  She didn't tell him that.  Accidental pregnancy is a big problem for both people but this wasn't that, this was a predictable pregnancy because it was unprotected but only one person knew that.  It's a pickle, for sure.
Well, it was possibly not so much predictable as inevitable, given the very relaxed attitude about birth control this couple had, what with using "pulling out" for a long time when he already has produced many kids. And in her defense, she did do what her doctor said to do. Any doctor should have warned her to use alternate protection during the month she was apparently not covered by the patch. (They *always* say this if a woman on the Pill has breakthrough bleeding. He should have said something.) I buy that she was really shocked to find herself pregnant, so to me this is an accidental baby no matter whose carelessness (in an already pretty casual-about-contraception couple) finally produced the pregnancy. I see it as an accident that was waiting to happen.

In some ways it's hard to understand them being in this spot, given that she is 32 and the guy is nearly 40 (and has already produced five kids. It isn't like he can be unaware that babies can come from having unprotected sex.) But their maturity is in their favor. The problem and the consequences are fortunately different than if this were two teenagers just starting out in life, who would both be carrying a big burden. The presumably settled nature of their ability to make a living and come up with adult answers to problems gives me hope that they can figure out what to do and not get lost in a rabbit hole of blame. (If the guy is ever willing to talk with her again.) Or, if they can't, she is probably better equipped to take on the situation by herself than if she were just starting out in life.
207091 tn?1337709493
So your question is about what to do in regards to the pregnancy? If you are against abortion, your options are to keep the baby and raise it, or to place it for adoption.

I would strongly suggest that you engage a counselor who is experienced in this area - Planned Parenthood can probably recommend one (yes, Planned Parenthood, they help everyone, no matter what they decide), or call a local adoption agency and ask for names.

This is an intensely personal decision only you can make. If you decide on adoption, the father of the baby will have to agree, but you have to decide first.

If you decide to keep the baby and raise it, there are other options - keeping him involved, letting him sign his rights away, etc., but a lawyer can explain those to you.

I wish you the best.
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1 Comments
Thank you I appreciate it
134578 tn?1614729226
trulyme, I originally read this more like you are 19 or 20,  but then saw in your profile that you say you're 32. If so, is your boyfriend also in his 30s? It would make a difference, since by now both of you would have set lives and livings. Does he have other kids?
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2 Comments
He is 7 years older than me. He has 5 other kids and this would be his sixth
Meaning, he is 39? Hate to ask you to be so specific, but my advice to talk to his mother was based on thinking you were about 19.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just want to say that I'm sorry, I really feel for you.  It takes two people to create a pregnancy. He was part of this process.  It sounds like you are in shock that you are pregnant and weren't expecting this. But it has happened.  His reaction makes me sad!  You've been a couple a long time it seems.  Whether he wants a baby or not, you're pregnant and he is the father. No woman should have someone 'force' them into abortion and if you don't want that, it's understandable. The reality is that he is resenting the pregnancy at this point and I'm not sure how you move past that.  I think you have to plan for his not being involved and then if he becomes more supportive, then you can decide if you can get over his initial reaction or not.  Can you support and care for the baby alone? I believe child support is a must for dads so perhaps you'd have his financial assistance. So the, it's a matter of raising your baby yourself (with or without him) or placing the baby up for adoption (a beautiful choice if it feels like the best option). I'm sure you feel betrayed by your boyfriend at this moment and I don't blame you. We're here to talk about it, hon.  We'll try to be good listeners as I'm sure you have a lot of emotions.  
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4 Comments
Also, when you say 'sulk or get over it'. Are you talking about him or you in this situation? The living situation sounds tense, for sure.  Are there other kids living with you? (his or yours?)
Again, people, did any of you read what happened?  It's very hard being the only guy on here, but folks, women aren't always helpless victims of horrible evil men.  This wasn't a guy not taking responsibility, he was taking responsibility by using birth control.  He didn't know she had stopped using it.  She didn't tell him.  She had sex with him anyway.  Lots of cases are very tough, but this one is very clear.  It was a mistake, not intentional, but it was only her mistake, not his.  You all act as if there's no responsibility for one's actions if life if one is a female.  I'm sorry, but if a woman did this to me, I'd be really angry as well if I had no desire to have a child at that point in time.  Both partners are responsible for being responsible.  So the issue here isn't that he got mad, of course he did.  He's facing being a Dad and he didn't make that choice, she made it for him, even if she didn't do it maliciously.  Child support isn't a "must" for anyone, it depends on the circumstances.  Parties make this decision privately or they go to court and the court makes the decision for them.  Because they are in a committed relationship -- living together is a big commitment -- for the sake of that relationship and for the sake of the child, can we stop putting all the onus on the guy, who did nothing wrong here?  That will just drive him away.  Let him cool down, what happened happened, and if love exists here the two will work this out, with some help.    
Sure, she had stopped taking the birth control, and he wasn't planning on being a father now, or maybe anytime soon, or possibly ever. However, they were in a long-term, serious-enough-to-live-together relationship, and he's acting like a child.

They used the pull-out method for years, until just recently. We all know how unreliable that is, right? He's not that adamant about not being a dad or he wouldn't have relied on pulling out, or he's absolutely as uneducated about birth control things as she is/was.

Now, they are pregnant, and he's not speaking to her. Not a great way to handle a tough situation with someone you are in a serious relationship with.

As far as him doing nothing wrong in the pregnancy, maybe not, but that's not the whole point. He's had days to get it together, and after throwing his initial anger fit, threatening to move out, he's now doing the silent treatment.

He has a right to be surprised and even angry. She should have been more communicative about the birth control, for sure. She was unaware. He's still acting like a child.

There's a lot they'll need to work out, and he may end up terminating his rights, if he's allowed to. (I think some states don't allow that, but I'm not entirely sure of that.) In any case, they'll need to actually communicate like adults to do that.

I don't think the whole onus is on him. How he's choosing to react, though, is.

Okay, I missed the part about him having 5 other kids at 39 years old. He knows how babies are made. If he doesn't want anymore, he can use condoms, or get a vasectomy. He's a child.

Trulyme, I have a feeling you're going to be on your own here. He's shown you who he is, and you've missed it earlier, but pay attention now. I'm sorry.
13167 tn?1327194124
Paxiled,  I don't know where and when you practiced law,  but here in Texas, (the OP is in New York,  so maybe not relevant to this case) if it's his baby,  it's his baby and he's on the hook for financial support.  It doesn't matter to the courts whether or not she forgot to take birth control,  or purposely lied to him about taking birth control,  his DNA,  his baby,  his obligation.  And as they say in court,  if he refuses to take a DNA test to prove he's not the father,  they can "default his a&%" and make him pay child support just for not taking a DNA test.  On the other hand,  since this guy has 5 other kids he's also not raising so somewhat likely he's paying child support,  he may have limited ability to pay and so would be assessed limited responsibility.  In Texas,  you just can't decide the woman "tricked" you into a pregnancy and walk away.  Thank God.  

In the case of sperm bank donations,  this obviously doesn't apply.  But when a baby results from a sexual relationship,  the dad is responsible.  
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2 Comments
New York has some pretty strong laws protecting children applicable to both parents. The mother can go to court to establish paternity, they order DNA tests if the father contests (in the case of unmarried couples) that must legally be completed and then both parents have the financial responsibility for child caregiving. https://www.lawforfamilies.com/child-laws-new-york-state-6631454.html  But true, based on income levels and other children, he may only be required to pay the minimum child support amount each month.  Hopefully it works out and they can be a family and raise their child together.  I'm sure that is what the OP is hoping for although a bitter pill to swallow, his reaction.  
Yeah, it's a very difficult clash. He doesn't want more kids (at least, at this time) and she hears his request that she get an abortion as demanding she kill someone so they won't be inconvenienced, and maybe also as him not loving her enough to raise the child of their love together.  I don't know where the middle ground would be unless he changes his mind, because it doesn't sound like she is changing hers.

But specialmom and RockRose you're right in that probably the law only requires a certain portion of a guy's income to be devoted to child support, and they divide a total amount among all the guy's kids. This is actually encouraging because if so, he's probably already at the max required amount, and then at least the argument won't be about money, which makes every argument worse.
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