Im suicidal.my husband calls me bad names and says he doesn't love me. please help?

[girl198]

thank you for reading and answering

im 24,my husband is 30
together nearly 4 years, married less than a 1 year

whenever he gets angry,

he calls me bi tch, ****, ***** etc
says he does not love me
says he wants to divorce me
says he will do what he wants and does not care if im sad or happy

and he gets angry at least once a month. it was like this before marriage too.but i married him coz i loved him very much and everytime i tell him to be good he said he will be good.. he is very good and loving when not angry. what can i do? divorce is not an option as i live in an asian country... once you are married, you are married.
will counseling help? if so, how should i approach that subject with him? whats the best way? im very glad for any answers.. i want to know how i should talk with him about going to counseling....
thank you

[specialmom]

Well, those would be good issues for him to address if he went to counseling . . .  

Men have egos, insecurities and as I said, some want to lord over their wives.  They don't want to be inferior in any way.  And I guess if he feels inferior to you because of your job or education, that may cause him to pick fights.  My husband and I are similar in that I earned a doctorate and made a very high income.  My husband is well educated too but didn't go as far and makes a good income but I actually made more than he did.  But my husband enjoyed the benefits of this instead of being intimidated by it.  Some men would have had a harder time.  I definately wouldn't talk about it to him or add any fuel to that fire.  Don't ever belittle him (which I am sure you don't).

As far as abandonment issues from mother and girlfriends-----  sure, he may have this.  But adults have a responsibility not to take the things that have hurt them in the past out on their current partner.  That is the bottom line.  I don't want to say so what to this-----  but it certainly isn't your fault he had a bad mother and chose bad women prior to you.  He shouldn't punish you for it with bad behavior.

So, he needs couseling.  I didn't realize that he gets mad for extended periods of time.  It paints a slightly different picture and one starts to wonder about his mental state, to be honest.  Is he terribly moody?  What did his family say in response to you showing him the texts and confessing this problem?  What suggestions do they have knowing him?  They may need to sit with you at some point and him and back you up to ask him to get help.  At some point, you may come to a cross roads that he must work on this proactively or you won't be there for  him.  

[girl198]

he gets angry, scolds me and then stays angry for 2 weeks or more. in those days he is distant and just some little things is enough to make him scold me. then he gets normal again.


can you please give me your response about the following things? i think these could be the reason for his behaviour.  i am going to the counseling again on jan 7th.


i earn 25% more than him and im educated than him. and i know people say i could get a better looking man than him (which does not matter to me) but even though those things does not matter to me, could he be thinking that he does not have control over those areas and need to have control and power through abuse?

he does not respect women due to his mother running away with his fathers brother when he was just 2 years old and his previous girlfriends cheating on him. even though he does respect me at other times when he is angry im "just another woman" to him....

[specialmom]

I will say that I agree with the other two ladies.  By tricking him to go, you've been deceitful and then he does have a real reason to be upset.  Don't go down that path.  I would approach him as an adult to adult and say that you want to save your marriage but to do so he must be willing to work on his anger issues with a professional.  If this angers him, you've done your best.  I wouldn't approach it in such a way to make him defensive-----  I'd approach it gently and say you only have his best interest and that of your marriage in mind.  If you are not afraid of him physically, I'd consider being rather forceful on the subject.  

Are health issues confidential in your country?  Here, if he were to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist, it is all confidential.  No one would know.  You could tell him that if he goes to counseling with you for the sake of your marriage and someone sees him or asks, you can say he is just accompanying you to your appointment.  

Many men are tricky about the manhood thing.  Some men are insecure and want to "lord" over their wives. That is not healthy.  I am trying to understand what is really going on, does he just get mean during a fight or does the meanness last?  I didn't realize, for example, until a couple of posts ago that he sends you nasty texts during the day.  That is not okay.  Many people when mad will spout off nasty things (even though they shouldn't, but they handle anger wrong)-----  but sending messages after wards is a bit much.  

So, see your therapist.  Try all that she/he says to do.  Strategize on having your husband join you.  Make sure you are treating your depression by a professional (take medicine if you have to).  

I'm still working on reading material for you.  I used things in therapy that were condensed into easy sheets for people to take and read or exercises to do and didn't recommend specific books exactly.  I know there are excellent ones out there, but will have to look through the selection to see what might be good.  Do ask your therapist as well.  

[jo929]

I am sorry for my last answer i misunderstood the reason  luck  jo

[jo929]

thanks i misunderstood

[mami1323]

jo she wants him to go so she thinks by tricking him, she will force him to go.  

girl198 - you can't force anyone to get help.  If he doesn't want it than it won't work anyway.  People don't change unless they want to change themselves.  From the sound of it, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with himself.  I suggest you get some counseling for yourself and then determine if you still want to stay in this marriage.