Lust turned into love for me

[Monika1985]

So about 2 or 3 years ago i meet a married man in a club. I went home with him that same night. His wife was working in another city at the time. I kept seeing him. I then found a bf & left him alone. After i broke up with my bf i went back to him. We are so sexually compatible and i eventually fell in love with him. He and his wife stopped sleeping in the same bed/having sex about 5 years ago he said because she had a surgery that made her lose sexual urges. I didn't believe it at first but over the days i found it to be true. He's always made me feel like he loved me but yet he won't get a divorce. He's taken days off work to be with me but yet now he seems to have lost interest because i have constantly asked him to divorce her. I try so hard to stop seeing him but its hard for me because he's got me weak. I get major anxiety when i have tried to stop calling him. How can i get over him? Please give me advice and thank you.

[AnnieBrooke]

You flared up at me and said I was 'labeling' you, but I was not; I was trying to appeal to your pride by showing that a label attaches whether you want to reject it to or not.  Unfortunately, no matter how much [lust or] love there is, when it comes down to facts you are sleeping with a married man.  You said "what about his fault in this?"  I was not saying there is no other fault, I was saying, preserve yourself because he is not.  Nobody wants to be called an adulteress, but you're keeping yourself in a spot where as long as you try to keep it going, you can't defend against the name.  A lot of people who cheat on marriages think it "all for love and the world well lost," but the unpalatable fact is that once the love and lust drain away, what is left is that you behaved in a way that you probably won't want to volunteer to your future husband or your children.  It is easier to break away from a relationship like this if you think of what kind of person you want yourself to be, in terms of character and integrity.  You want a life you can defend (to yourself when you look in the mirror in the morning), and when you are in an illicit relationship, all you have is a life with a big problematic spot in it now (and in the future.  Your friends will remember, and only if you are lucky will they never open their mouths about it in the future, and the word might get back to someone you really care about).  Good luck.  You thought I was judgmental, but I was trying to get you to see that you need to be off the list of ladies wearing the scarlet letter if you want to have a real life.

[Monika1985]

It's like karma right? I do it so it will happen to me. I believe in karma and i know it's bound to happen. I was young and immature when i met him. All i could think about was sex, clubs, money and fun. Its great yea but now i'm deciding to change. She won't find out. If she does , she does. She's seen my number and hasn't called yet. If she wants to confirm her intuition then she can but i really doubt she will.

[brice1967]

Something I also learned about during my recovery is perception.  Your perception is that neither really care for the marriage.  This guy did everything he could to bolster that perception, because he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too.  Based merely on statistics, I doubt she really knows about it.  She may, and that certainly says a lot about her if she is indeed okay with that situation.  She may be in that very small percentage who is okay with one having multiple partners.....

It's said that over 50% of marriages are affected by infidelity.  Unfortunately, if you get married it puts you directly in the firing line.  Not saying this to upset you, but its a proven statistic.  It could be you on the other end down the line, and I really hope nobody has to go through this.... it stinks, it ruins lives....

[Monika1985]

I've asked if he's regretted being with me. His answer is always no. I don't regret sleeping with him i honestly don't because at first it was the best sex ever. I do however regret falling in love with him. Thats the only regret i have. And slowly i am gaining my self worth realizing that this cannot continue any further. And that i am worth more than being the "other woman"

[brice1967]

You're completely wrong if you think "if he truly loved her, he would not go out and cheat".  You couldn't be more wrong, and you're trying to justify what happened.  Placing any of the blame on the other woman is just wrong unless she said "go have an affair and I won't be hurt", but got hurt after it.

I am not the authority on the subject, but I have never studied anything more than this.  I've read over 100 books and articles on the subject by psychiatrists, psychologists, those who went on to survive infidelity, those who haven't been able to salvage their marriages, the cheaters and the cheated.  I've spoken to numerous people here and elsewhere.

I am a personal believer in "we reap what we sow".  If you really do not regret sleeping with this man, you certainly cannot feel too bad about how you feel right now, correct?  Listen, I feel your hurt.... I feel it when you say you dont regret sleeping with this guy.  Saying you don't regret it and believing that means that you've got no problem being labeled as a homewrecker amongst other things, but I think you like yourself more than that.  I think you see more self worth than that.... if not, there is your starting point.  A therapist can help you with this.....

[Monika1985]

@ brice: thank you for your comment. I'm not sure if she actually knows or not. I'm pretty sure she has her suspicions. I mean with the long, late night calls/texts/picture messages and his short paychecks and his not coming home at night. If i was truly a ***** i could have let her known out of spite but like i mentioned - i don't do it because they have a little boy and because i can only hurt myself so much. It was fun and it was wrong and now i've wished him good luck but he doesn't get it thru his head that i want to stop. I really do love him and thats why i wish him happiness with his family. I had my fun but it ended when i fell for him. Surprisingly, all the comments both bad and good are making me realize that this was a very low thing of me to do. I want to move on.