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MY BOYFRIEND WONT LEAVE HIS MOM'S HOUSE
My 28 year old boyfriend of 3 years still lives at home with his mother and refuses to move out. He and I were going to move in together around 1 year after dating. His mother went on disability from work (she was a teacher) around the same time we planned on moving in together and he has opted not move out so he can be there for her. I felt it was ok for him to want to be there for his mother, and decided we could move in together at a later time.
Two years into our relationship I became pregnant with our son, we decided that we really should move in so that we could raise our son together and its because what we had always planned on doing. My boyfriend refused to move in with us when the time came, he instead wanted me and our son to move in with him and his mother. I didnt think this was the best idea, and refused to live with them. He told me that he refuses to leave his mother, the only way he would live with me and our son is if we all lived together.
He somehow feels indebted to his mother because she took really good care of him when he was a child. Although its honourable for him to want to take care of her its not reason for him to not want to leave, because it was her job as his parent to take good care of him. I tell him all the time that he is letting our son miss out on having both parents raise him together because he chooses to live with her and not us, but he points out that its my fault b/c I wont live with him and his mother.
I tell him we would help his mother whenever she needed, its not like we would be relocating, we would still be in the same city and she could call whenever she needs anything. I mean if she was critically ill or something then I would understand, but the majority of her health issues are because
she is an unhealthy and obese woman who doesnt do anything to make herself healthy.
Sometimes I think she makes herself seem sicker so she can ensure her son wont move out.
I love my boyfriend and I don't want our relationship to end over something like this...I just dont know what to do...
Two years into our relationship I became pregnant with our son, we decided that we really should move in so that we could raise our son together and its because what we had always planned on doing. My boyfriend refused to move in with us when the time came, he instead wanted me and our son to move in with him and his mother. I didnt think this was the best idea, and refused to live with them. He told me that he refuses to leave his mother, the only way he would live with me and our son is if we all lived together.
He somehow feels indebted to his mother because she took really good care of him when he was a child. Although its honourable for him to want to take care of her its not reason for him to not want to leave, because it was her job as his parent to take good care of him. I tell him all the time that he is letting our son miss out on having both parents raise him together because he chooses to live with her and not us, but he points out that its my fault b/c I wont live with him and his mother.
I tell him we would help his mother whenever she needed, its not like we would be relocating, we would still be in the same city and she could call whenever she needs anything. I mean if she was critically ill or something then I would understand, but the majority of her health issues are because
she is an unhealthy and obese woman who doesnt do anything to make herself healthy.
Sometimes I think she makes herself seem sicker so she can ensure her son wont move out.
I love my boyfriend and I don't want our relationship to end over something like this...I just dont know what to do...
Can you talk to his mother? Find a way to tell her that she has to let go of her son. If you can't do it do you know someone else in the family who could? His mom could also get life alert or a different roommate. There are so many options they aren't exploring! I don't understand why it has to be him who watches her. Doesn't she have any other friends or family to help? If she is such a great mom why is she letting her grandbaby grow up with a dad? I don't get it.
Ugh. I SO feel your pain.
I started dating my bf 4 years ago. He told me he had his own house, later admitting he pays the mortgage on his mothers house cause she couldn't afford and didn't want to lose it. I thought, what a standup guy!
She and I FIGHT. If I make suggestions to repair his crumbling investment (no maintenance to home), or suggest we look at our own place, this sweet charmer who the town loves launches the claws (only when we're alone) and the next morning she'll greet him with his favorite waffles and a smile. On the counter beside the waffles will be her arsenal of medications she takes for self-made health issues (diabetes type II, and she eats sugar ALL day).
His argument is almost convincing! He's given her 1000.00 per mo. for 12 years. He thinks she won't let him have the house when she goes if he doesn't stay and his investment will be lost. Given her history with family, I understand this fear. So, losing that angle - I approached her one day and suggested that maybe she could give him a gentle 'nudge' and allow us to spread our wings. I've never felt such fury. Her response was, 'What? If he's not happy I'll shove him out on his *** so fast his head'll spin!". Clearly not a balanced person.
I just found out I am pregnant, and all I can think on, is not what wonderful things I'll do to the baby's room, or what kind of music I'll play it in the womb, and where we'll take our morning walks... but rather, how many bad manners she'll teach it, and how she'll handle the baby with poor hygiene, and how having control over how my child is raised will be a permanent battle.
Her home is HER home. She says to everyone it's his, but the second I put dishes of mine out of my packing box (yes, from 4 years ago) into the cupboard cause we need them?.. they mysteriously wind up back in my box down in the basement. :-( What do I do? I love him. He's super excited about the baby, but when I suggest our own home.. now he says 'we really can't now. How can we afford the car AND a baby with a new mortgage?" I'm F'ed.
I started dating my bf 4 years ago. He told me he had his own house, later admitting he pays the mortgage on his mothers house cause she couldn't afford and didn't want to lose it. I thought, what a standup guy!
She and I FIGHT. If I make suggestions to repair his crumbling investment (no maintenance to home), or suggest we look at our own place, this sweet charmer who the town loves launches the claws (only when we're alone) and the next morning she'll greet him with his favorite waffles and a smile. On the counter beside the waffles will be her arsenal of medications she takes for self-made health issues (diabetes type II, and she eats sugar ALL day).
His argument is almost convincing! He's given her 1000.00 per mo. for 12 years. He thinks she won't let him have the house when she goes if he doesn't stay and his investment will be lost. Given her history with family, I understand this fear. So, losing that angle - I approached her one day and suggested that maybe she could give him a gentle 'nudge' and allow us to spread our wings. I've never felt such fury. Her response was, 'What? If he's not happy I'll shove him out on his *** so fast his head'll spin!". Clearly not a balanced person.
I just found out I am pregnant, and all I can think on, is not what wonderful things I'll do to the baby's room, or what kind of music I'll play it in the womb, and where we'll take our morning walks... but rather, how many bad manners she'll teach it, and how she'll handle the baby with poor hygiene, and how having control over how my child is raised will be a permanent battle.
Her home is HER home. She says to everyone it's his, but the second I put dishes of mine out of my packing box (yes, from 4 years ago) into the cupboard cause we need them?.. they mysteriously wind up back in my box down in the basement. :-( What do I do? I love him. He's super excited about the baby, but when I suggest our own home.. now he says 'we really can't now. How can we afford the car AND a baby with a new mortgage?" I'm F'ed.
I have been wth my boyfriend for six years we still don't live together he live with his mom and he come by my house from time to time don't offer to pay bills or put groceries in the house he never asked to marry me his excuse is he think I have bipolar not its just that I don't like people to take advantage of me I'm so sick of the bs I don't know what to do. His mom shows me she don't care for me his kids show the same I've addressed this several of times to him but no resolution ti the problem I think he is very confused.
Hello,
I can feel your frustration and pain. I have been married for 10 months now. During the several years that my husband and I were dating, we had always discussed moving out and establishing a home of our own, but he wanted me to live with his parents for a year first, as it is part of the culture, and so I agreed. 6 months into the marriage I began talking about moving out within the years time, and he would just ignore me or brush the subject off. Months later he said he didn't want to move out of his parents house, and wanted us to live with them forever. He felt it was his "turn to take care of them" because he too, had had such a good childhood. His mother did everything for him before we got married, from making his meals, to washing his clothes, and nagging at him to do things. I told him that I refuse to live with his parents because of how bad my relationship has become with my mother in law, and my husband. My father in law is pretty neutral in all this. It is true that two women cannot run the same household, as I have learned over the past year, and your relationship with your man will suffer BIG TIME, sexually, emotionally, and mentally. You have made a very very wise decision by not moving in. If your boyfriend steps up to the plate, and claims responsibility for you and your child, then he is making the right decision. However, make his mom aware of the situation and what the result will be in the end. If she then refuses to let her son go, then you know there is nothing you can do about it. But if she is supportive and wants her son to be a good father and perhaps husband one day, then it is all in your boyfriends plate. Good luck.
I can feel your frustration and pain. I have been married for 10 months now. During the several years that my husband and I were dating, we had always discussed moving out and establishing a home of our own, but he wanted me to live with his parents for a year first, as it is part of the culture, and so I agreed. 6 months into the marriage I began talking about moving out within the years time, and he would just ignore me or brush the subject off. Months later he said he didn't want to move out of his parents house, and wanted us to live with them forever. He felt it was his "turn to take care of them" because he too, had had such a good childhood. His mother did everything for him before we got married, from making his meals, to washing his clothes, and nagging at him to do things. I told him that I refuse to live with his parents because of how bad my relationship has become with my mother in law, and my husband. My father in law is pretty neutral in all this. It is true that two women cannot run the same household, as I have learned over the past year, and your relationship with your man will suffer BIG TIME, sexually, emotionally, and mentally. You have made a very very wise decision by not moving in. If your boyfriend steps up to the plate, and claims responsibility for you and your child, then he is making the right decision. However, make his mom aware of the situation and what the result will be in the end. If she then refuses to let her son go, then you know there is nothing you can do about it. But if she is supportive and wants her son to be a good father and perhaps husband one day, then it is all in your boyfriends plate. Good luck.
I know you don't wish to have the relationship end "over something like this" but unfortunately, something has to be done that's within the best interest of you and your son right now. I hope that all is going well, please keep us all informed.
I am so sorry toplip, but I have to be honest with you. Mothers are married to their sons but there isnt "supposed" to be any sex.. They actually set raps in the house so the sone feels like he's king of her jungle. I saw mothers who would make their sons clean their panties so that the son coul actually smell her scent. It gets really sick. Some sons jerk off to their mothers at night. I have research this "edipus" and its terrible. The best thing for you to do is move on. Trust me, whenever your boyfriend feels strongly about being with you, he consults with his mother, and she shuts it down....Run...
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