MY BOYFRIEND WONT LEAVE HIS MOM'S HOUSE

[toplip]

My 28 year old boyfriend of 3 years still lives at home with his mother and refuses to move out. He and I were going to move in together around 1 year after dating. His mother went on disability from work (she was a teacher) around the same time we planned on moving in together and he has opted not move out so he can be there for her. I felt it was ok for him to want to be there for his mother, and decided we could move in together at a later time.

Two years into our relationship I became pregnant with our son, we decided that we really should move in so that we could raise our son together and its because what we had always planned on doing. My boyfriend refused to move in with us when the time came, he instead wanted me and our son to move in with him and his mother. I didnt think this was the best idea, and refused to live with them. He told me that he refuses to leave his mother, the only way he would live with me and our son is if we all lived together.

He somehow feels indebted to his mother because she took really good care of him when he was a child. Although its honourable for him to want to take care of her its not reason for him to not want to leave, because it was her job as his parent to take good care of him. I tell him all the time that he is letting our son miss out on having both parents raise him together because he chooses to live with her and not us, but he points out that its my fault b/c I wont live with him and his mother.

I tell him we would help his mother whenever she needed, its not like we would be relocating, we would still be in the same city and she could call whenever she needs anything. I mean if she was critically ill or something then I would understand, but the majority of her health issues are because
she is an unhealthy and obese woman who doesnt do anything to make herself healthy.
Sometimes I think she makes herself seem sicker so she can ensure her son wont move out.

I love my boyfriend and I don't want our relationship to end over something like this...I just dont know what to do...

[xx80xx]

I find myself in a similar situation. I've been with my signifcant other for 1.5 years and I want to settle down and move in together. However, he is staying with his mom because she had trouble living by herself because she is too scared and it's too big of a house.
I have no patience for my situation and I'm not moving in with them three because I already know it won't work out- you cannot have 2 women running the household and you know you will never be able to take care of him and his child as HIS OWN MOTHER would.
So it's a hard and difficult choice for the men in our lives, to start living their own lives or live their lives for their mothers.
I think your and my significant other person are loving the situation- their mothers cook, clean and do everything for them just like when they were kids, except that they are grown men, and in your situation having a child is part of a new life and you need to know that you DESERVE to have your own family and live in your own home no  matter how big or small.... mothers need to recognize their place and let their kids (esp. sons) live their own lives.
I hope my significant other will make the right choice because I've been waiting 1.5 years and cannot imagine waiting longer...
Good luck to US!

[girliegrl1723]

i agree with rock rose. not only is he wrong for refusing to move out his mother's home and be a part of the family you both created, his mother is also wrong for not pushing him out the door and urging her son to do the right thing. i sincerely hope he is not hiding behing his mother as a cover for bigger issues, i.e., he doesn't want to live with you, marry you, raise your child together, etc. if i were you, i would put an end to the BS. tell him either step up to the plate or get lost. he can send you a check every month and visit with your child. ill bet leaving his mom's house will sound mouch more appealing after that scenario is thrown his way.

i hope this works out for you in the end...

[RockRose]

What your boyfriend doeesn't have the perspective to know is,  his mother is an utter and complete failure as a mother.  A parent's job is to give their children the skills they need to make it in the world,  as an independent and fulfilled person.  Like creating a rocket ship and then allowing it a spectacular launch into the world.

She has nailed her rocketship to the launch platform.  His loyalty is so misguided - most people have mothers who took really good care of them as children.  That's a mother's job.  THEN,  it's her job to watch her child launch.

Best of luck with this awful situation.  

[jo929]

If his mom is able to take care of herself at home by herself she does not need him and should push him to do the right thing and get married and for him to move out with you and son why dont you talk with her and see which way the wind blows as he wont make that choice unless he thinks he may never see his son or being part of his life are you sure he loves you 3 years is a long time i have known some moms that hang on to there sons until it is to late for them to do anything it does sound like he is mamas boy i also have known people go together 5 yeras and plan to get married then all of a sudden he dumps her for someone alse and marrys the new one right off. tell him you and he can see to his mom 4 or 5 times a week take a good long look at him and make sure he is worth it   lots luck jo

[SquirreliciousAngel]

It seems like you're viewing this as a small thing. You and your boyfriend have a child together, maybe you should try to get him to view this in another way. He wants to be with his mother because she did such a great job raising him and taking care of him but he seems to be losing sight of the fact that he should be doing the same for HIS child. I'm sure that he did not live with his mother's parents when he was younger. Also the other thing to look at is his mother, what is she saying about the situation? Does she want him to stay with her? Is she making him feel guilty so he will stay?
I think you did the right thing by not moving in with her as it can be an akward situation.

Best of luck
~S.A.