Nice Guys vs. Bad Boys

[RSRLK]

I'm looking for other people's opinions on why women are so attracted to men who may not be good for them long term. I'm 28 and after taking some time off from relationships, I have started slowly getting back into the game. What I have noticed and I guess what I have always noticed is that there definitely some appeal to men who may not make ideal partners long term and the men who come across as very caring and sensitive right off the bat seem to rub me the wrong way.
I've come to the conclusion that if I were two years into a relationships, these kind and sensitive men would be ideal partners but for some reason I have a hard time being physically attracted to these sweet, attentive men. I know I'm not alone in this and while I know that building a friendship over weeks and months would be ideal, I feel it's a bit unfair to string someone along who I know is interested and I also know I may never be interested in.
Does anyone have any experience in this?

And I guess it's worth mentioning that I come from an amazing, supportive family. My father is one of the best people I know and a kind, intelligent and loving man.

[Londres70]

OR

You don't think you deserve a "nice guy."

[Londres70]

Sounds like you have commitment issues.

[Nighthawk61]

It might also be that you subconscioiusly associate your Steady Eddie friends with being like your dad, who presumably (no matter how great he is) doesn't have any sexual appeal to you.  

great point anniebrooke. i concur. and especially with the posters experience within the family.

I'm wondering what kind of "bad boy" that is being discussed?

If it's one that doesn't have a family , and is able to stay up all night and then go to work, i would say that it might have something to do with age and lack of family financial commitments rather than just being a bad boy.

In our youth when dealing with an unknown personality type, it can be exhilarating like when you're a kid, waiting to see if Santa is going to show up, with anything at all, It could be coal, if you're naughty or something good if you were nice. But it's the not knowing that exciting for us. Same as Easter, not knowing whether they'll be eggs, and being surprised when you find one.

I also think it's important steady eddy, might not want to objectify you with Victoria Secret, thinking that it would be for his benefit, and not so much your own.It might not matter to him that you wear makeup, or sexy lingerie, it might just means that he loves you for what's inside, and not so much on the outside. This type of guy comes in real handy when you are in your 50's and have changed on the outside. When you're young, it doesn't matter as much that a person may be overly enamored with your looks, because you're not thinking about the future, and when you look in the mirror you can't see the changes that are coming.

I too think it's important to look for a steady guy that does have interests that are new to you. Just as your hobbies and interests if they are different that his mothers would be welcome. That makes perfect sense. It's important to add something new to the gene pool. And recognize that with a steady eddy, you can also promote spontaneity in your relationship. That would be something that a steady eddy would consider exciting for them. Opposites do attract, unless we're talking about goals, values. and integrity.

Good luck enjoying your youth dating. Be safe.

[AnnieBrooke]

It might also be that you subconscioiusly associate your Steady Eddie friends with being like your dad, who presumably (no matter how great he is) doesn't have any sexual appeal to you.  

Try looking for a guy who has some great qualities that are different than your dad's, but that you still see as great qualities, and dating someone like that.  

Keep in mind that the froth of romance is said to leave marriages in a couple or three years, but many marriages endure a long, long time -- if it was only all about the zing of sexual attraction, marriage would have died out in about one generation of humanity.  People don't stay in love because their partner is an unpredictable, sexy, bad boy who keeps them guessing, they stay in love because he stays up all night with them when they are in the hospital, or carries their purse at the store, or picks up the kids at school.

If you're not really ready to settle down, have fun with the bad boys.  Keep an eye out for unexpected good qualities even in them.  But don't overlook the quiet, kind, grown-up men, either.

[specialmom]

Hi there, welcome to the forum. Well, there are probably different ideas on this.  I think a few things could be at play.  First, if you have been hurt or witnessed unhealthy relationships growing up, you internalize these things.  Then you become your own worst enemy.  Picking 'the wrong man' is almost like protection because deep down, you know that having a guy that is challenging is going to keep distance between the two of you.  Sometimes therapy helps over come this.  Sometimes a person is at their place where they don't really want to settle down, so they opt for the fun, carefree guy rather than the steady eddy.  Sometimes the nice guy rings a subconscious bell for something negative you associate with that type of guy.  

If you aren't wanting to find 'mr. right', then I wouldn't currently worry about it. But if you are, this is something to address.  You will want to get over that to pick a great match (that doesn't necessarily mean choosing a guy who is all in in 20 seconds like you describe).  

When I wanted to marry and have a family, I looked for men that had similar values, ideas about life, interests, that I had fun with, etc.  I knew I didn't want a bad boy for life so they were all off the table.  I chose from the great guys on my list.  good luck