Please, I need an some opinions!

[beautifulbritty712]

I have been with my boyfriend on and off since I was 18 and I'm 22, but he's 35. His age doesn't bother me, but I think his relationship to the girl he was with before me made him so untrusting. He thinks all females lie and cheat, probably the same way I used to feel about guys before I met him. He doesn't act real jealous or anything like that or always accuse me of cheating, but we talk about everything and sometimes when we're talking this stuff comes up. He says he doesn't want to ever live with me because he thinks I'll "just get sick of him after a little while". He has 3 kids with his ex and used to only see them once a month or less. I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids? But recently since Ive been kind of pressuring him about this (I even told him I wouldn't let him be the father of my child so we would have to break up eventually) and now he's wanting to see his kids more. He has been taking them every other weekend and calling them during the week. But when I asked about his daughter's favorite color (her bday is this week and I wanted to get her a gift) he doesn't know. I asked what kinds of games she likes and what toys she likes and he doesn't know. I was able to tell him she likes baseball and soccer and I've only hung out with her a few times. He said he didn't know he was supposed to talk to his kids like that and I told him they're people too if he wants a good relationship with them when they're older they need to get closer now, so he said when they come over this weekend he'll actually talk to them instead of just going shopping and eating and letting them play etc. My questions are this- He seems like he's changing to be a really good dad and I've been thinking maybe this could be long term.... but do you think it's just because of my pressuring and maybe if we ended up with a kid and broken up he would be how he was before without me, or worse if he found a new girlfriend who didn't want him to be close with his kids? Or maybe he was reluctant to see his kids before because of his hurtful past with their mom? I am not naive, I don't believe in true love and I know people change, and while I can see myself being with him forever now, maybe he or I or both of us will be different in the future and not so compatible. We already fight a lot, but about stupid stuff and we usually only fight for a few minutes before we get over it. I am looking at this point for someone who will be a great dad to my child. I think if I plan to bring a kid into this world (which I'm not even positive about yet and would still be years in the future) it's my responsibility to give him the best life I can, including the best dad. I wouldn't really even care if I love the guy if I thought he would be a good enough dad, but do you think the guy I do love would turn out to be the father I hope for?

PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!

[SeriousSam]

Actually there are quite a few dads like yours but more often than not they are left broke, broken, and broken hearted by a very broken system that believes in the myth of maternal instinct, and sadly, a majority of mothers who put their desires on equal or greater par than the children's desires or needs.

So sadly in a more than unequal country where men have no rights they give up.

[beautifulbritty712]

Why do you think men have no rights? I don't know where you live but here men have just as much a chance of getting their kids as the mom. Just like if the dad refuses to pay child support and the mom has to bring him to court to get it, unless a parent is abusive toward the children the court will give them at least visitation, which if the parent with custody doesn't allow they will get in trouble. Why is it that some parents are willing to and sometimes have to fight for the support but it is too hard to fight for visitation in court? My mom told the judge my dad was trying to kill her but he still ordered her to bring us for visitation. We had to meet at a grocery store to get picked up and dropped off. Also, the reason my mom was given custody instead of my dad was my choice. I was the oldest child and they told me I could decide where to live, and being the kind of person I am I said I wanted to live with my mom because she needed us more and my dad id stronger than her. So what is it about this whole custody thing that's so unfair toward men?

[beautifulbritty712]

And I don't want you to think I'm saying anything about you, I realize things may be different where you're from and there may very well be more good dads than I think, I just an speaking from my experience and having a lot of male friends who don't do much for their kids. I actually met someone who was celebrating having his something like 8th kid because here if you have too many kids the court won't make you pay child support. I just think your kids should always come first and if you dont want to see your kids because you dont wanna see their mom, there are ways of picking up and dropping off you won't ever have to even speak to eachother.

[SeriousSam]

In the U.S. & England men have almost no rights when it comes to getting custody, or even having visitation enforced.  I believe the stats are less than 20% if they are married and  kids are male also, less than that if the children are female or the parents are not married.  NO MATTER who the reality of primary caregiver is.

Mothers percentagewise are more likely to be deadbeat parents yet fathers are more likely to end up with it as a jailable offense.  In a custody matter in America fathers have to spend 5 dollars for every 1 a woman will be charged for the same results but she is more likelt to be able to get free legal assistance.


I am curious what/where you are from that you think things are so equal?

[SeriousSam]

Why did your mother "need" you?  A no fighting for visitation is not the same as fighting for child support, many courts will have the states attorney represent them for child support THIS does not happen for visitation.

Check your facts.

[megochick101]

I'm sorry but you are never going to find someone who is a perfect father or a perfect partner. No one is perfect. This guy sounds like a great man and you are just focusing on one aspect of him. I think it's kind of ridiculous how you are focusing on how he is as a father when you do not even have kids or want kids at this point in your life.

You said he was raised in an environment where the father's role was to only be a provider. But you just expect him to automatically go against his nature and the way he was brought up without any influence from anyone else? He can't change his ways unless he knows he is supposedly doing something wrong(in your eyes at least). Which to be blunt I think he was being a great father just by providing for his kids because there are many fathers out there who do not even do that so cut the guy a break!

Clearly he cares about you since he has made an effort to change his fatherly ways when you brought it up.  The guy is willing to change his views on parenting and the way he was brought up to make you happy, so that in your eyes he will be a better father. What more can you ask for?

As to your comments about your dad, I'm a little confused. You say your dad was the greatest dad and you're really close to him, but then you say that your mom told the courts your dad tried to kill her???? Was she telling the truth? If so why would you think a man who tried to kill your own mother is such a great guy??