Should I separate from my husband?

[Saraphina333]

Hi.  I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 6. We have a three year old son. I have been unhappy for a couple years now. He is very moody and I think he has bouts of depression and severe anxiety but won't admit it and won't get help for it. He drinks a lot instead, and gets angry at me and my son. He did hit me once before we were married. He knew it was wrong and never did it again although he's hit me in his sleep. (he's a sleepwalker) he has also been agressive with our son. He was so angry once when he was 2 he threw him down hard on the couch. My son loves him to death but is also intimidated by him as am I. I can't talk to him about things because if I don't always see things his way he gets mad and makes me feel horrible. I'm often happier when he's gone and it's just me and my son. I don't want to have sex with him and we've probably kissed 20 times in the last 6 years! I see that as a block of intimacy. Also I have an anxiety disorder which he doesn't understand. And twice when I had a medical emergency he refused to call an ambulance even when I begged him to. Very scary. Since I've been married I've struggled with an eating disorder and panic attacks. I know my husband loves me but he doesn't seem to understand my needs. So far he has refused counseling and won't stop drinking. I'm completely torn up inside and don't know what to do! I don't want to break up my family but I can't live this way and many of my feelings for him have died. Please help?!

[Saraphina333]

What I meant to say is that I DON'T wish my husband ill will and if I could spare him the pain of all this I would.  Sometimes I actuallly wish he would find another woman to comfort him right nowl.  Anyway, just wanted to clarify that I don't hate him, just dont love him at all anymore.

[Saraphina333]

We have been to see a marriage counselor and through that and other conversations with my husband I realize that he still cant see what he has done wrong over the years.  He says I have unrealistic expectations for marriage and that I will never be happy or satified with any man.  He also says because I left so suddenly I am unstable and not fit to take care of our son.  He changed the locks on the doors to our house and demanded the wedding ring back.  One day he says he has made mistakes and has hurt and blamed me for a lot and the next he says I'm crazy, cruel and horrible.  He yells at me one day on the phone and then calls me up the next to see if he can come by to make me soup?? Also he has been calling my family and persoanal friends to ask questions about me, including my parents! I had the cell phone plan divided so he cant track my calls anymore.  I had to change my email account because he could get into that and block him from my facebook page because he was tracking me there too.  I finally have fantanstic lawyers on retainer and we are getting the ball rolling for filing for divorce.  He is right in that this has happen fast but I cant stand to be with the man anymore and I don't love him and there is nothing to "work out" in my mind because of who he is fundamentally as a person.  He cant accept me for who I am an never has.  Years and years of resentment have built up to the point of when I see his face or hear his  voice , I cringe.  I have found a house to rent and will be moving in in about a month with my son.  Right now my main concern is him.  I want him to know mommy and daddy both love him and he will have two homes now.  I don't want to keep him from his father and I want the custody to be managed fairly.  I wish my husband any ill will, I just dont want to be with him at all anymore.  BUT I still feel guilty for leaving the person I feel I have taken care of emotionally for almost 10 years.  I still worry about him even though my friends and family tell me to stop.  How can I? Everytime we talk on the phone about our son it leads him to question me about my feelings, who I'm spending time with and his hopes for reconciliation which tears me up with anxiety.  How can I cope with this and just focus on me and my son???

[Judy246]

It's a very difficult time for you and your husband. It's obvious that he is showing remorse at his abusive behavior. I recommend that you both seek a marriage counselor to help sort out the problems in your marriage if he is willing to do that.  Take it one day at a time at this time, but make sure he is aware that you want change or you are not coming back.

[Saraphina333]

Well it's been a week since I left. I agreed to meet my husband for dinner so we could just talk and he showed up dressed really nice with a huge bouquet of roses. We sat in a booth in the restaurant and neither of us could eat anything. He looked skinny too. He said he hadn't eaten or slept well foe days. I tried explaining why I felt it was over and he cried and begged me to stop saying that. He said he wants to change and be a better
man, that I'm his whole life. It killed me to see him like that. When it was time to part he gave me a hug and wouldn't let go. I was so worried about his state of mind I made him call his parents for support before I left. I'm scared to be starting over alone and oh, the GUILT!!!

[Judy246]

Also, you owe his family nothing. As a result of his upbring, they have created a dysfunctional, abusive man and you don't owe them anything. Do not permit them to make you feel like a "bad woman" for leaving your home. Within time, they will realize that your husband poor treatment of you has resulted in your leaving, so do not feel guilty of anything to anyone.

[Judy246]

I am so very, very proud of you and your courage. You see...you have the ability to take control of a very difficult situation and make the right decisions for you and your child....I'm so very proud of you. This is not an easy situation for you and when he said, that it was because of his job, what would happened if he loss his job completely, would hit you? It sounded as if he has the potential of violence against you and you are your sons, voice and protector. If my child would tell me he is afraid of daddy, I would have left immediately too.

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for leaving or aftermath of a seperation. If anyone is to feel guilty or have is conscience bother him is your husband. Write on a piece of paper all of the terrible things he has said and done to you and your child and everytime you feel guilty of anything, pull out that piece of paper as a reminder of this abusiveness. Keep your child safe and one step at a time for you. It's going to be a little rough ahead, but you ARE a strong woman as you have proven to all of us here. We are here for you if you just want to talk.  God bless and rest easy....it's going to be alright.