Should I separate from my husband?

[Saraphina333]

Hi.  I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 6. We have a three year old son. I have been unhappy for a couple years now. He is very moody and I think he has bouts of depression and severe anxiety but won't admit it and won't get help for it. He drinks a lot instead, and gets angry at me and my son. He did hit me once before we were married. He knew it was wrong and never did it again although he's hit me in his sleep. (he's a sleepwalker) he has also been agressive with our son. He was so angry once when he was 2 he threw him down hard on the couch. My son loves him to death but is also intimidated by him as am I. I can't talk to him about things because if I don't always see things his way he gets mad and makes me feel horrible. I'm often happier when he's gone and it's just me and my son. I don't want to have sex with him and we've probably kissed 20 times in the last 6 years! I see that as a block of intimacy. Also I have an anxiety disorder which he doesn't understand. And twice when I had a medical emergency he refused to call an ambulance even when I begged him to. Very scary. Since I've been married I've struggled with an eating disorder and panic attacks. I know my husband loves me but he doesn't seem to understand my needs. So far he has refused counseling and won't stop drinking. I'm completely torn up inside and don't know what to do! I don't want to break up my family but I can't live this way and many of my feelings for him have died. Please help?!

[Saraphina333]

Well things are really tough. I've rallied the support of lots of friends to help me get through this. At this point I'm 99% sure it is over. I don't feel I have anything left to give because I have already been carrying the weight of this relationship for ten years. I feel really bad for my husband and his sense of absndonemenr. He really wants me back and wants to try again. The thing is, I don't. Sadly, I don't love him anymore and I don't want to be married to him anymore. Now I have to somehow deal with the guilt of it all, figure put the finances, division of property, and custody issues while in the mean time he isvdesperately trying to get me to come back. But like I said, I'm done. I'm afraid his family will hate me now too. How do I get through this- especially the feelings of guilt???

[mami1323]

You know its right when you start feeling like a million pounds has been lifted off of you.  When you start to feel happy again.  It won't be right away but it will happen.  Your kids will start to feel better also.  Once you see what life is really like and you don't have the burden of an alcoholic, abusive husband, you will know it was right.

[Saraphina333]

I decided to leave. I tried and tried to get through to my husband and he just doesn't get it. He said he would go to counseling but he won't admit the drinking problem. A week after I told him it's either counseling or I leave, he said he thought thinks were better because he had put some things away I the kitchen he'd left out, and why was I still u happy? Also my son has been staying with my mom and he told her he doesn't want to go home. He has missed me and I came to visit him, but he hasn't said one word about his dad except that he had a scary dream about daddy. I'm staying at my dads house for now and were getting the house set up so my son can stay with me there. I will work out visitation with my husband. Right now I don't know if were heading for divorce but I'm pretty sure I don't love my husband anymore and I can't live with an alcoholic who manipulates me and scares my son. Also emotionally I have left the marriage after having been disregarded for so many years and I think there is a better man out there somewhere for me. Not perfect, I know, but better and healthier for me. How do j know if I've made the right choice? I'm going with my gut now. I am seeing a therapist on a regular basis who has helped me come to realize many things and muster the courage to do what I've done. Any thoughts?

[peaceinknowing]

Although this might not be the advice you wish to hear right now, I think it would be within your best interest to stay in the same household as your husband for the time being and see how things work out with the counseling sessions for the both of you. Believe it or not, it might even be beneficial to have your child see how their mother and father works through their issues as a team, together. Even though none of us are able to sit here and say that we know you or your husband personally, we can only go on the words in which you've posted here on this thread; But from the sound of your husband's reaction to what you've come forward with to him, it seems as though he truly wishes to make a change for the better when it comes to your marriage.

Give this a shot and continue to try and remember that you and him got married years ago for a reason. The more you think about this the better of you'll be, but ultimately the rest of the work is up to the both of you and not just him.

[Saraphina333]

Thanks again to everyone. After speaking with my counselor I mustered the courage to confront my husband about my unhappiness. I was surprised at his ability to acknowledge his behaviors. He was shocked when I told him I might leave if it didn't get better. He ultimately agreed to go to marriage counsing with me. He also agreed to find a  counselor of his own through work. I can tell he is very afraid of losing me. He recently got promoted and work and feels really good about himself now (well, except for my bombshell.) He said that the reason he's been so hard on me these past years is because he was unhappy in his job, felt inadequate in his ability to support us and was super focused on improving his work situation. He said that now that he has a new job he will be much happier and things will be better for us and our son. I think there is truth in that but the problem is I don't feel the same about him anymore. Can I get those old feelings back? Also, he has been so upbeat the last two days since our talk it seems like  he's being super optimistic and acts like nothings wrong. I don't want to be a downer, but things are still wrong for me. Should I go stay with my pare ts awhile? Does he teat get it? Or should I try some counseling sessions with him and see how that goes first before I decide. Also, I don't feel my son and I are in imminent danger. I'm just confused and resentful about his moments of anger. And this makes it hard for us to communicate. Any more thoughts?

[peaceinknowing]

If you do decide to leave your husband, your son will thank you for it later on down the road once he's old enough to understand your reasoning behind it. If you're being sincere when you say to all of us that your son is also intimidated by your husband, then he might even understand your reasonings now for doing so. You must do what you feel to be within the best of interest of you and your child right now.