Should I separate from my husband?

[Saraphina333]

Hi.  I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 6. We have a three year old son. I have been unhappy for a couple years now. He is very moody and I think he has bouts of depression and severe anxiety but won't admit it and won't get help for it. He drinks a lot instead, and gets angry at me and my son. He did hit me once before we were married. He knew it was wrong and never did it again although he's hit me in his sleep. (he's a sleepwalker) he has also been agressive with our son. He was so angry once when he was 2 he threw him down hard on the couch. My son loves him to death but is also intimidated by him as am I. I can't talk to him about things because if I don't always see things his way he gets mad and makes me feel horrible. I'm often happier when he's gone and it's just me and my son. I don't want to have sex with him and we've probably kissed 20 times in the last 6 years! I see that as a block of intimacy. Also I have an anxiety disorder which he doesn't understand. And twice when I had a medical emergency he refused to call an ambulance even when I begged him to. Very scary. Since I've been married I've struggled with an eating disorder and panic attacks. I know my husband loves me but he doesn't seem to understand my needs. So far he has refused counseling and won't stop drinking. I'm completely torn up inside and don't know what to do! I don't want to break up my family but I can't live this way and many of my feelings for him have died. Please help?!

[Judy246]

Let's see...Unhappy for a couple of years, depressed personality and drinks, has anger issues, past physical violence considered abuse with you and child, agressive with child, child fears and is intimidated by him = unhealthy environment and child might think this is normal behavior within a family, unaproachable for communication, you feel better when he's not around, lacking passion and intimacy, unresponsive to a medical emergency = insensitive in emergency, your body is reacting to dysfunction with eating disorder and panic attack, refuses counseling, fear of breaking up famiy (family is already broken up), your feeling for him have died (you don't love him anymore).

It's time for you to make a plan for you and your child to leave. I don't think counseling is going to help, since he's not opened minded to it or you. You can't stay with a man who is condesending to you and has the potential of violence (you hear this on the news all the time, husband kills wife under anger) and it's your responsibility to protect your son and his environment. Talk with family first and have them help you, but you need to leave now. Think about divorce once you take yourself and child to a safe environment now.

[jo929]

I am sorry that you are going through this, but i do beleive that you have already made up your mind on what to do, so you do not need anyones permission just go ahead and do what you have to  to protect you and your child  luck  jo

[j7653]

I'm normally one to say hang on to the bitter end, but what you have described is unacceptable.

I dont know your other circumstances, so I would suggest that you get your act together by figuring out a plan for yourself and your son (where you will live, how you will earn money, transportation, etc...) and I would leave.

I'm sorry for your situation.

[imanaddict]

First I want to say how sorry I am you and your son are going through this, and will continue to go through it as long as you stay. At this point, it sounds like you have exhausted any attempts at trying to make him change, and he refuses. He won't either as long as he doesn't see there's a problem, and there definitely is! I fear for yours and your son's safety and I am concerned that you (or your son) will be a target (again) during one of his explosive outbursts. I am even more concerned that he refused to call an ambulance when you needed medical attention! You have listed many many reasons in why you should end your marriage, and while under normal circumstances, I would recommend counseling, your circumstance is anything but normal. I don't see how in the world you could work it out when things have gone as far as they have. Once you hit a certain point in the marriage (abuse, and in ANY form) there usually isn't any going back unless help is sought, but in your case he refuses. If you have somewhere that you can take your son, GO! I hope you have the resources and the willpower to do it, especially for your son's well being.

Also, the longer you stay, the more your son sees the abuse and will mimick it either to you, or later in life to his own spouse.

You deserve so much better out of a marriage! No one should have to live in fear of their spouse and I pray you will get yourself and your son out before something drastic happens to either one (or both) of you. You will be in my thoughts!

[mami1323]

There is so much wrong here that I don't even have anything in me to say stay and try to work it out.  Here is what you pointed out in your post and there isn't any excuse for any of it.

1. He's agressive with your child.  
2. He's physically hurt you.  Once or not, still happened.
3. He's an alcoholic.
4. He has severe mood shifts which leave you with severe anxiety.
5. Doesn't care about you or your needs.
6. You are more comfortable and happier when he's not around.
7. There is no intimacy.

I'm sure there are more reasons that you have for being unhappy but having said it here but this is all enough of a reason why you shouldn't stay.  He doesn't love you if he treats you this way.