Women with low libido - sexless marriage - please help this guy

[kendalmintcake]

Hi,

I've been married for a while with kids.  I'm pretty sure I'm one of the nicest guys around - loving, caring helping guy - take care of the kids, make dinner, do laundry, treat everyone with kindness and regularly express my love for my wife and kids.  However, I'm struggling with the fact that my wife never extends any intimacy.  It has been like this for years and years and I'm coming to my wit's end with it.  I'm getting to the point where I just frankly dislike sex, why?  because it makes me feel like a dog begging for it.  I get shot down 9 out of 10 times.  I try to space it and what ends up happening is it happens maybe 4 times a year.  It is torture.  I think my wife is beautiful beyond belief.  I haven't even seen her naked in months.

Why is she doing this to me.  She knows as I've told her that intimacy is important, but still, manages every night to  be asleep minutes before I'm done tucking in the kids.  If we have a night off, she's sick with one of about 5 rotating ailments.  We'll go for a nice dinner, spend some time walking around hand-in-hand, then as soon as we are alone, she avoids me like the plague.  I feel like a rat.  When I hug her she simply balls up.  She absolutely never hugs me.  I feel like that monkey that scientists deprived of a parent and it latched onto a fury mannequin for comfort.

I can't live like this.  I've read many people with similar issues, six months later they post that they broke up and are happy as can be.  Prior to busting up they expressed they steadfast efforts to get to the bottom of things, with patience, willingness to change, but that seems to evolve into despair and extreme disappointment at the neglect they feel.  Yes, I feel neglected, I'm made to feel like I'm sex obsessed.

Now with that said, if somebody can relate let me know what might be going on here.  It has either got to be hormones (ie, a medical thing) or, she just is grossed by me, I wonder sometimes, is she gay?  I don't know.  All I know is that I'm sad.

Thanks

[kendalmintcake]

Lol, at least you didn't say ."I must be 'dence' to spell impotence as impodence" and blow it twice!

[specialmom]

I must be 'dense' to spell impotence as impodence.

[specialmom]

I'm going to agree that there is a way that you write that makes me wonder about what you are looking for and why I didn't post.  Whether it was sarcasm or seeming to not be authentic.  But we never know as we only get a snippet of info and 'personality' from these kinds of posts.  This isn't to knock the poster but if you are sincerely looking for feedback, I tend to agree with Londres.  

I think that much of the time, when a couple is experiencing difficulty with intimacy, it is a barometer to other things in the relationship.  Often, a couple that has an underlying issue will have this problem.  An example would be that she feels like she is never fully heard by her husband and begins to resent him.  Another example would be if he is a social butterfly and she is a home body and she wins out with the couple being at home much of the time and he is growing bored.  These most likely don't apply to you but just examples of other problems that seep into the bedroom.  

also, it is well known that stress and being over tired will cause issues with imtimacy.

If one partner, and usually the woman, has had childhood trauma, it often shows itself later in adult life with a pulling away in a sexual way from their spouse.  Some gain weight even to put up a physical barrier between their partner and themselves.  

As you mentioned depression----------  well, yes, ssri's and antidepressents in general can cause a drop in libido but so can depression that isn't fully treated.  I know with some antidepressents, they will offer an idea of a 'drug holiday' in which a patient would take a half dose for 2 days over the weekend and not dip below therapeutic levels for their mental health issue but lessen the side effect of lack of libido or impodence.  Talk to your doctor about this.  Won't work if you are on a controlled release type of drug but most generics aren't controlled release and that is what people tend to take (generics).  

Now in all seriousness, I need to be reminded how old your kids are.  I had an issue after my second child was born for about a couple of years in which I had a low sex drive.  I was really tired with my two boys that are 15 months apart, had little time for myself, often had food on my shirt and swear pants on (sounds sexy, right), etc.  My husband did the best thing by taking the kids for me and letting me have breaks on my OWN!  And then when he came back, I was very greatful and able to show it.  And in truth, after those first couple of years, my libido returned and I felt more like a woman again rather than just mom/caretaker/sex provider.  

One other feed back, we are all intelligent folks here and it isn't men's view verses woman's.  It's just opinions.  And believe it or not, we have other men who post here besides just you.  You are very welcome to the forum and we are glad to have you but this isn't a sewing circle or something archaic like that.

Okay, so I do wish you luck.  Marriage is work--------  and that is for sure.  By the way, marriage therapy an option???

[vintagequeen]

I respect Londres a lot, however.. I didn't really sense any sarcasm. I think you are trying to not come across as a sex fiend.. I do see your initial post as a vent more than anything which is totally welcomed.
I am sorry your wife isn't as grateful to you when you take her out on these nice retreats. I can definitely understand your sexual frustrations as we all need to have intimacy on some level, you love your wife dearly and it hurts you that she doesn't show you the kind of intimacy you show her. It's not as though you are some chauvinist pig or something. I agree with Londres about the couples therapy, it doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you.. It will help the two of you come to a conclusion as to what the issue is.

[kendalmintcake]

When you say sarcasm, do you the blab comment?  If so, I'm making fun of myself.  Now I'm interested to know what particular things sounded sarcastic...so I know for myself so I can be aware...

[Londres70]

So sorry for the interrogation.  I normally don't ask that many questions, however, I felt your initial post was more of a vent vs. giving more pertinent info about your marriage.  Plus, you gave little background info in regards to your wife; plenty of comments about her though.  Not to be rude, it was a bit difficult to read through your sarcasm.  I hope you aren't using this sarcastic tone with her.  

I am just getting the feeling you are leaving something out of your story;  just a feeling I have.  It's like you are giving vague responses and you are talking in "riddles" at times as if not to expose too much.   Perhaps you both have issues that you all aren't willing to address.  

After dealing with this for years, sounds like your marriage is at a fork in the road and I think there are SO many issues that are contributing to this that should be sorted out with the help of a therapist to try to save this marriage.  You all are definitely out of touch with each other.  

Have you ever sought counselling at all?  Couples' therapy or therapy for yourself?