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Young Newlyweds in Distress
My husband & I have been married for almost two months & together for 6 years.
When we got married I didnt think that 2 weeks later we would be discussing marriage counselling or divorce/annulment, but it happened.
Before we got married yes we had our issues but we did everything in our power to fix them, now whenever theres an issue, he's disrespectful, & it causes a HUGE argument. He even told me "I dont care about being married anymore" & " I shouldnt have married you" he later took that back but its still really hard to believe him. My husband use to be so affectionate, loving, & caring, I dont know what happened.Before we got married he use to be my best friend, now its like I hardly even know him. Sex is now boring. & we use to have great passionate sex (good sex happened once since we've been married.) He wants to have sex often, but its so boring & uncomfortable now its like his only concern is having an orgasm. Im not interested as much, causing more problems.
I've been trying so hard to fix our marriage, & communicate my needs to him as well as give him what he wants but we just cant stop bumping heads. I dont want a divorce, I want my marriage to be healthy & happy. No one wants to be miserable. Any advice.?
When we got married I didnt think that 2 weeks later we would be discussing marriage counselling or divorce/annulment, but it happened.
Before we got married yes we had our issues but we did everything in our power to fix them, now whenever theres an issue, he's disrespectful, & it causes a HUGE argument. He even told me "I dont care about being married anymore" & " I shouldnt have married you" he later took that back but its still really hard to believe him. My husband use to be so affectionate, loving, & caring, I dont know what happened.Before we got married he use to be my best friend, now its like I hardly even know him. Sex is now boring. & we use to have great passionate sex (good sex happened once since we've been married.) He wants to have sex often, but its so boring & uncomfortable now its like his only concern is having an orgasm. Im not interested as much, causing more problems.
I've been trying so hard to fix our marriage, & communicate my needs to him as well as give him what he wants but we just cant stop bumping heads. I dont want a divorce, I want my marriage to be healthy & happy. No one wants to be miserable. Any advice.?
Best Answer
Maybe there are books, and videos that you can research and introduce. After then, your husband might be more in tune with the topic matter and more amenable to becoming actively involved in marriage counseling and a revival. or better yet, a marriage better than anything that either of you have experienced thus far.
Adding new hobbies, and interests always revitalizes a relationship. So if you are proactive in that area , you'll be all the better for it. Sounds like it would benefit you both to boost your serotonin, so becoming more active together may boost his mood and elevate his mentality to working on this marriage. All the best. Hope we hear the good news and you are both working actively to make things better.
Adding new hobbies, and interests always revitalizes a relationship. So if you are proactive in that area , you'll be all the better for it. Sounds like it would benefit you both to boost your serotonin, so becoming more active together may boost his mood and elevate his mentality to working on this marriage. All the best. Hope we hear the good news and you are both working actively to make things better.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
My husband & I have been discussing this a lot today, & we were honest with each other. He doesnt want to do marriage counselling, but he definitely wants things get better & we are both willing to make changes to improve our marriage. :) (hopefully he'll agree to counselling just to help us communicate better) but its a step in a better direction.
Once again thank you for your kind words & advice, hopefully I'll have an update for you.!
Good Luck on everything you do.
Have a great day.!
My husband & I have been discussing this a lot today, & we were honest with each other. He doesnt want to do marriage counselling, but he definitely wants things get better & we are both willing to make changes to improve our marriage. :) (hopefully he'll agree to counselling just to help us communicate better) but its a step in a better direction.
Once again thank you for your kind words & advice, hopefully I'll have an update for you.!
Good Luck on everything you do.
Have a great day.!
Actually, he doesn't sound like he was that great 6 years ago either, you said "of course when we first started dating he didnt treat me good, but things got better over the years. To be brutally honest with myself & you the issues we have now (except for sex) are the same issues we had in the beginning." So, he was not that hot when you met, then things got better, now they are not that hot again, I assume is what you're saying?
It actually sounds pretty logical, for a young couple who got involved when they were rather young teenagers. A lot of changes hit at 16, 18, 20, 22 ... It's biologically true that we change during those years, and mature, and our whole psychological package changes. A couple meeting at 15 and 17 and staying exactly attuned to each other for the next growth years, is pretty unusual.
I would also say to a woman whose husband is making comments about not wanting to be married, it's not necessarily that he actually deeply loves her and is merely saying something disrespectful, he might be saying the truth that he has not wanted to out and say before. If my husband ever let any of those words come out of his mouth, I would not think he was just being crabby or critical, I would think it's over.
Sorry to sound so downbeat. I think special's suggestion about counseling is good. Maybe you can resurrect things, You're the one who knows what is possible.
It actually sounds pretty logical, for a young couple who got involved when they were rather young teenagers. A lot of changes hit at 16, 18, 20, 22 ... It's biologically true that we change during those years, and mature, and our whole psychological package changes. A couple meeting at 15 and 17 and staying exactly attuned to each other for the next growth years, is pretty unusual.
I would also say to a woman whose husband is making comments about not wanting to be married, it's not necessarily that he actually deeply loves her and is merely saying something disrespectful, he might be saying the truth that he has not wanted to out and say before. If my husband ever let any of those words come out of his mouth, I would not think he was just being crabby or critical, I would think it's over.
Sorry to sound so downbeat. I think special's suggestion about counseling is good. Maybe you can resurrect things, You're the one who knows what is possible.
False, I'm young but I have a full understanding that marriage doesn't automatically change anyone. Before we got married my husband told me that the disrespect would stop & IT DID, but has came back. My husband is not the same person he was 6 years ago if he was I would've never married him.
So really, in reading through your posts is it fair to say you married him with all the faults he now has, but expected marriage to change him? And the problem is not that he has changed since marriage, but the fact is that he has not changed?
Do get on a totally reliable form of birth control. Even boring sex or inconsiderate sex can produce a baby, and that would not be a good idea with the whole marriage kind of in question. Him saying he doesn't care about being married any more means he is saying he either wants out or wants things to stop being the way they are (therefore possibly improve-able) and neither marriage status is good for having a baby.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, well. You did get together very young hon. You were but a child when you met him. And the truth is, often, with that inexperience and maturity, it is hard to really make a great decision about picking our life partner. Some teens do make it work long term but I think it is really hard because the tool box one has at that age to make good life long decisions isn't very full yet. I say that with the utmost respect. I'm not knocking you or calling you immature but just that you have little life experience at that point to really nail down what you want in life and find it while in high school. Ignoring things that are issues while dating ---- wish I could have talked to you about that back then. Because what IS true is that no matter if a couple is in their teens when they meet or thirties, those things that are problems during the duration of dating rarely get better. The same problems often resurface. We date so that we can look at the flaws of the person we are with and judge whether we can live with them long term or not and if not, we break up. Or 'should'. Because we kind of have to accept the person we marry as they are. Sure, we all have things to work on but as this came up during dating and it wasn't much better (maybe improved?)--- it is most likely part of who that person is.
Perhaps your husband grew up in a house in which this was how the man talked to their partner. Perhaps he has issues with self control. Perhaps he really doesn't care to change. I'm not sure which it is.
Since you ARE married, yes. Give it a valiant effort to resolve it. Therapy is your best bet. They can help guide you both into resolving the issues that YOU see and whatever issues he brings to them as his complaints (he will have some too).
Marriage is hard. I admire your dedication to making this work. Yes, being miserable for life is not an option so getting to work on this now is a good thing to do. Hopefully he will be open to providing your needs and being the man you want him to be. good luck hon
Perhaps your husband grew up in a house in which this was how the man talked to their partner. Perhaps he has issues with self control. Perhaps he really doesn't care to change. I'm not sure which it is.
Since you ARE married, yes. Give it a valiant effort to resolve it. Therapy is your best bet. They can help guide you both into resolving the issues that YOU see and whatever issues he brings to them as his complaints (he will have some too).
Marriage is hard. I admire your dedication to making this work. Yes, being miserable for life is not an option so getting to work on this now is a good thing to do. Hopefully he will be open to providing your needs and being the man you want him to be. good luck hon
Hi.
Thank you for responding. To give you a little bit of a backstory Im almost 21 & my husband just turned 23, so of course when we first started dating he didnt treat me good, but things got better over the years. To be brutally honest with myself & you the issues we have now, (except for sex) are the same issues we had in the beginning, & we've talked about being disrespectful & before we got married he promised me this wouldnt be an issue & when it happens he says "everybody makes mistakes" but I dont feel like its a mistake anymore, because he knows how I feel about it & I admit I've have moments where I've been disrespectful to him but I've been making sure even when Im angry to not do it. I just want the same respect.
I havent really been the same wife ever since he told he didnt care about being married, it hurts me,, makes me feel like I'm gonna find out hes cheating or did, & we both agreed cheating=divorce.
We havent talked about marriage counseling ever since we decided to stay together ( I dont know why). I want my marriage to work I love my husband, I just dont know how much more disrespect I can take. Its hard to talk to him about serious topics (since we've been married) he either A) turns everything into a joke or B) brushes me off & is disrespectful.
Thank you for responding. To give you a little bit of a backstory Im almost 21 & my husband just turned 23, so of course when we first started dating he didnt treat me good, but things got better over the years. To be brutally honest with myself & you the issues we have now, (except for sex) are the same issues we had in the beginning, & we've talked about being disrespectful & before we got married he promised me this wouldnt be an issue & when it happens he says "everybody makes mistakes" but I dont feel like its a mistake anymore, because he knows how I feel about it & I admit I've have moments where I've been disrespectful to him but I've been making sure even when Im angry to not do it. I just want the same respect.
I havent really been the same wife ever since he told he didnt care about being married, it hurts me,, makes me feel like I'm gonna find out hes cheating or did, & we both agreed cheating=divorce.
We havent talked about marriage counseling ever since we decided to stay together ( I dont know why). I want my marriage to work I love my husband, I just dont know how much more disrespect I can take. Its hard to talk to him about serious topics (since we've been married) he either A) turns everything into a joke or B) brushes me off & is disrespectful.
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Anyway, I do think marriage therapy would be an excellent option for you. Really, a therapist can help with many things. They can help with communication guidelines, improving intimacy and closeness, helping with frustration and resentment. BUT, both people in the relationship have to embrace it and be ready to do the work. Where does your husband stand? Does he see the problems as well? Is he wanting to make this union great for you both? A therapist that is good will not pick a side--- they remain neutral and work for you both to be happy. You may hear things on his end that make him unhappy as well and will have to resolve that. Examples that are common for men are that their partner is too controlling or nags a lot. Sometimes it is hard to hear from our partner their complaints about US but that is the other half of the deal.
So, do invest in marriage therapy. It's a great thing. I feel almost any couple can benefit from having a third party that is a professional guide them a bit in aspects of their relationship. In the mean time, try to have a light date night with him (no serious discussions) built around just having fun to reconnect. good luck