managing sexual guilt.. cheating..

[eliza164]

Hey everyone,

I have a boyfriend which I love and really wanna marry, but after being together for a couple of years I had to move to another state and we just decided to wait for each other till we are independent and can live with each other.

But soon after I moved a 50 year old man, "family friend", tricked me into having sex with him and for a while I didn't know how to say "no" to him, because he made me feel obligated...and I was about 15 years old and it was my first time, while I always wanted to wait till I'm 18 and do it with someone I really love.. After a while I was able to break it off, but I kept it a secret..

I’ve been with my boyfriend together for 4 years and this horrible thing happened somewhere in the middle or those 4 years. My boyfriend is extremely strict when it comes to cheating, and I think he’d never forgive me for somehow allowing such thing to happen and for not telling him right away..

I feel extremely guilty about what happened, I cry every time I think of it..and I’m very confused about how to deal with this guilt that just eats me from inside and hate towards the old men, and whether I should tell my boyfriend after all those years..I want to be with him so much..is it possible?..

Thanks..

[Denya]

You are blaming yourself for these things, and I can understand that.  I also understand why the guilt is eating away at you day and night.  It is hard for you to come to grips with this, and it is hard for you to understand, we can all tell you everything you need to hear, but it won't help.  We can try to tell you how you "should" feel about this, but we can't tell you how to feel.  We can't tell you why this has happened to you.  But, I think we are all in agreement that this should not have happened, you did not deserve this, and you sound too special of a person to have been a victum of this crime.  

If you are honest with your b/f maybe he will understand, or maybe he won't, either way you need to tell him if you are feeling this convicted about it.  I Know this was Rape, but as you have seen other people on this board think you were old enough to make a decision.  But, that is why we have laws.  

Look up on the internet about rape, victums of rape, or victums of pedifile, and mostly if you don't have someone to talk to about it, than know that GOD is reaching out to you right now, waiting for you.  

My dad has always told me "never leave home w/o money, and always bring enough money with you when out with a man, never let a man give you something for free, because chances are it's not free"

[eliza900]

I still don't know how to deal with it. There aren't much people I trust, while the once I do trust I don't feel comfortable talking about it with them, since they care for me and it would hurt them to know that such a thing happaned to me. And I don't have any counslers available to talk to.
I tried to just forget about it, but everything around me reminds me of that man. I also feel like my physical health had taken a blow, I can't sleep much and I get huge headaches.
I just hope that I can find a way to forget it or not care as much.
It's the secont time I was physically harrased sexually, and I wonder if I'm just that unlucky.
First time was when I was about 6-7 years old, and I was just playing in a park, and a 30 year old guy came up to me from behind and stuck a finger in me for 30 seconds. I was confused and didn't know what happened. I went home and chose to remain silent about the incident because it felt emberesing. And till this day no one knows. (Would anyone know why that guy would do such a thing? I still haven't figured it out.)
But with this I was somewhat awear what happened and it just makes me feel horrible. Plus I feel really guilty for not telling it to my boyfriend.
Well I'll see maybe I'll find a way to deal with it, but it'll always be in the back of my head..

[Can_U_Help]

Thank you for the kind comments jo. I think that a lot of people get so wrapped up in there own grief and remorse for things in the past that they get stuck there and they don't realize that bad things happen to everyone and yes some are worse than others. But I know without a doubt that every bad experience that we live through can help others if we focus on moving on instead of sitting still in a whirlwind of emotions and chaos. Eliza...your story may help someone else someday down the road. It won't take away your pain or loneliness or any of the hurt emotions you feel but at some point everyone needs to realize that the satisfaction of knowing that your bad life experience might actually prevent someone else from living through the same experience or even help someone through a similar experience is at least gratification and I know first hand that the gratification beats the h e double hockey sticks out of letting it consume you and control your life. I really like this forum. I haven't been around long but I have gotten some pretty good advice myself on here so hopefully I will be able to return the favor. : )
Eliza...if you get a moment post and let us know how things are going for you. I'm very concerned about your emotional state. Experiences like this can put you on an emotional roller coaster but you can deal with it. As painful and serious as it is, it is a lot easier to cope with than a lot of people out there tend to believe. It just takes time and determination. I hope you are well and know that you have someone to talk to if you need an ear.
God Bless!

[jo929]

That was a heart warming story, and am so glad that were strong enough to do what you have done, i am sorry for what you have suffered through no fault of your own, and i do think this story and and what you went through will help lots of young people.
You need to start giving some advice on the forumn, also you would do well on the abuse forumn lots of luck  jo

[Can_U_Help]

Eliza...I was a victim of sexual molestation at the age of 11. My sister and I were both sexually abused by our ex-stepfather so I feel a need to reach out to you. I got therapy and I have learned to deal with what happened to me and move on with my life knowing that what happened to me was 0% my fault. My sister however, started therapy but was not forced to continue as I was and she is 37 years old now. This happened to us over 25 years ago and she still cannot deal with the emotional chaos that this type of abuse does to you. It is imperative that you get counseling. I personally think this man should be held accountable for this because if he is a coach then he has access to other children. Our ex-stepfather was prosecuted and he did serve time. I know I was younger than you when this happened to me but I don't know that I would have realized that it was wrong for this man to be doing this to me any sooner had I been 15 instead of 11 because no one ever talked to me about things like this. I discussed this with my children before they started pre-school because they were in day care for a couple of years and I knew that they had to understand that no one has the right to mistreat them. But I did not have that, I had to figure out on my own that what was happening to me was not normal, which is when I went to my grandmother and told her what had been happening to me. I don't know what kind of upbringing you had if your parents talked to you about things like this and explained to you that no one should do these things to you but I am telling you now that you were taken advantage of and what happened is not your fault. You have to talk to someone about what has happened to you, I know from experience that if you don't you will never be able to learn to deal with this awful experience you have lived through and have a normal life. Just a few comparisons, my sister is a very angry person she yells a lot, she has a drinking problem, her oldest daughter is now married and has a child at the age of 19 her second daughter is 16 married and expecting her first child and her youngest is 15 and in a boot camp. She does not have the capacity to raise her children in a stable environment and she never has. She has lost her children to state custody twice now and none of them live with her at this time. She is now married to an alcoholic just like her, he is physically and emotionally abusive. She is untouchable, I try to talk to her I try to encourage her that it is never to late to deal with her past and move on no matter how old she is. I've offered to go to counseling with her anything just to get her to deal with the bad childhood we had so she can move on but she won't let me in. It is frustrating and heartbreaking to say the least. I on the other hand was forced to go to counseling and while some may think that unfair I know deep down that it is the best thing that could have ever happened for me. I did marry very young, I was 15. I had my first child at 16 my second at 18 my third at 20 and my fourth at 25. While my childhood memories do include happy ones with friends and relatives, they are tainted with abuse. But through counseling I learned to deal with that and understand that I was a victim. Now I am 36 years old have been married for almost 21 years have 4 beautiful healthy children who have never suffered any type of abuse. I understand and accept that I was mistreated and abused at absolutely no fault of my own. Men like this are predators and they make you think that what they are doing is ok but it is not. You have to get counseling, and for yourself not your b-f. I wish you all the luck and if you need to talk I will listen.
God Bless!

[ComputerGeek]

"...I just feel like the worst person on earth who doesn't deserve any love or affection..feel so disgusting and dirty..I don't know how to deal with it... "

This totally sounds like a rape situation to me.  These are exactly the usual thought patterns of a victim of rape.  Regardless of a person's age, regardless of how mature they are, trickery or manipulation or sheer intimidation can result in rape.  I know whereof I speak because I was almost raped and I KNOW that intimidation can easily cause a person to fall victim to rape.


Like the others, I too feel like you should tell your mother what happened.  She is your mother and has (hopefully) your best interest at heart.  She will help you deal with your guilt feelings and will help you to get professional help.

You do sound like you need professional help.  I was so severely depressed that I went to see a psychologist.  I was resistant to the idea but, after meeting with him, wondered why I had waited so long.  He was able to help me see myself like a really am, a bright, even handsome man, not the ugly person I saw myself as who totally loathed himself.  (I was emotionally abused most of my adolescent life by my stepfather who continuously criticized me not matter how well I was doing in school or anywhere else, which has left deep scars and no self-esteem.)

A counselor might be able to provide the same sort of help as a psychologist - but I would suggest seeing a reputable, well-respected psychologist if at all possible.  Their entire training is centered around know the human mind works inside and out and on figuring out how to help you in all respects.

Finally, that coach NEEDS to get his just deserts - even jail, if possible.  I am not sure but I think that if you were to bring this out, the local district attorney could still bring him up on charges.  I don't think it matters that it happened a few years ago.  He might decide, though, that there isn't enough evidence to reach a conviction.  

HOWEVER, the DA would most likely agree that this needs to come out so that this man can be stopped - even if a conviction cannot be attained.  There might be dozens of other girls that, even now, are still falling prey to this man.  The DA can investigate this man and see if they can find any other victims.  Even without the evidence that a "rape kit" provides, if there are other victims, they can (together) most likely send this man away for a long time.

Finally, it doesn't matter what your exact age is - 10 or 15.  You were under 18 and sex with ANY person 18 or over (even a boyfriend) constitutes, rape, EVEN IF BOTH PARTIES WERE CONSENSUAL TO THE SEX.  Several women have spent time in jail over the last several years because they were over 18 and were caught having sex with an under-18 boy.  (They also happened to be teachers.)

So please do pluck up the courage, between your mom and you, to take this matter to the police or directly to your local district attorney.  You may help to stop a continuing cycle of abuse by this man.