managing sexual guilt.. cheating..

[eliza164]

Hey everyone,

I have a boyfriend which I love and really wanna marry, but after being together for a couple of years I had to move to another state and we just decided to wait for each other till we are independent and can live with each other.

But soon after I moved a 50 year old man, "family friend", tricked me into having sex with him and for a while I didn't know how to say "no" to him, because he made me feel obligated...and I was about 15 years old and it was my first time, while I always wanted to wait till I'm 18 and do it with someone I really love.. After a while I was able to break it off, but I kept it a secret..

I’ve been with my boyfriend together for 4 years and this horrible thing happened somewhere in the middle or those 4 years. My boyfriend is extremely strict when it comes to cheating, and I think he’d never forgive me for somehow allowing such thing to happen and for not telling him right away..

I feel extremely guilty about what happened, I cry every time I think of it..and I’m very confused about how to deal with this guilt that just eats me from inside and hate towards the old men, and whether I should tell my boyfriend after all those years..I want to be with him so much..is it possible?..

Thanks..

[jo929]

You can keep feeling guilty or let go, yes i agree with all that, the jerk needs to be prosecuted, also if you cant forget it go into group therapy you would be surprised at the girls that have felt the same way you do at 15 ,anyway it might make you feel better to tell mom what happened, no do not start feeling like you are no good, you can be as good as you want to be, so you made a mistake once who has not ever made a mistake,, now you know better, get on with living your life, and please , what good is killing yourself going to do you can have a great life if you want it, if you decide to tell the boyfriend, and he does not like it he did not care to much to start with also do something for you self esteem, you are still young try to move on   luck  jo

[mami1323]

I do agree with Teko here.  At 15, I definitely knew better.  I think the original poster does need to seek some conseling if she is contemplating suicide.  I think your boyfriend would be very understanding if he loves you.  However, you should talk with your mom and have this man reported.  I'm sure you are not the first nor the last that this man has done this to.  In this situation I believe your mom will be the first person you should really discuss this with and then the boyfriend.  Good luck, I hope you really are able to move past this situation and look towards a brighter future.  Don't ever let a man try to convince you to have sex with them if you don't want to, no matter what the age they are and you are.  You should never feel obligated to do something you are not comfortable with.

[holly_b]

I do understand where you're coming from and I agree with most of the things you have said but we don't know what this girls upbringing has been. Perhaps she wasn't lucky enough to be thought what to do when situations such as these arise. I just feel that since her parents trusted him she thought she could too and her parents trusting him made it harder for her to come forward. Also he was a coach to young people so it sounds to me like it isn't common knowledge that he preys on young girls.

I fully agree with what you said about living in a victim society. I guess it doesn't really matter who was at fault back then, what matters is that she finds a way to deal with it now.

[holly_b]

You shouldn't feel guilty. You were 15 years old. your parents trusted this man and therefore so did you. He was in a position of authority and he abused this position. I strongly recommend you see a therapist or even the school counselor if you are still at school. You didn't cheat on your boyfriend, an experienced 50 year old man manipulated a naive, gullible 15 year old into sex. (I'm not saying that you were naive to insult you but at 15 most people are as they lack life experience). I think you should go to therapy first and from there decide what to do regarding telling your boyfriend, parents etc. Please don't feel like this is your fault. No matter what others say you were the child, he was the adult so full blame lies with him. And he was a family friend and your coach, he abused the situation in every way. You did NOTHING wrong.

Teko: I don't mean any disrespect here but telling her to forget it and move on isn't going to help. She just said she is contemplating suicide. Therefore she needs to get into therapy. Suppressing strong feelings like that isn't healthy by any means. Just my opinion.

[eliza164]

he was my coach..so I spent really really alot of time with him..I got used that he is a trust worthy person..plus he was teaching me for free..so I felt like I own something to him...and my parents trusted him so he could take me training or go eat out anytime for as long as he wanted...and it somehow just slowly progressed..and hed do some disgusting stuff infront of me with himself...and I feel like I was abit forced because he'd drive me out to place far from my home and bug me to do like little stuff till I'd agree..and into sex he just tricked me with "just the head" thingie...now I just can't believe how stupid I am...I was afraid to tell my parents why I'd wanna stop training, so I felt like I had to put up with it for a while, the though of having sex with this man just disgusted me and I never ever wanted anything like that to happen...But I agree with  teko ...I should have known how to stop it at once..and so I feel really extreamly guilty..up to not sleeping at night and thinking about suicide..plus I really don't know how to face my boyfriend and if I should just break up with him so he doesn't waist time on me...I just feel like the worst person on earth who deosn't deserv any love or affection..feel so disgustng and dirty..I don't know how to deal with it...

[mami1323]

I can go both ways on this.  One this 50 year old should be ashamed for what he did and he is a predator but on some part I do have to agree with Teko.  You were 15, old enough to know better at that point.  How were you "tricked" by him?  I'm not sure I understand how that works when you are old enough to tell your boyfriend no but you can't tell a 50 year old man no.  Unless he forced you into a room and locked the door, I'm not sure how this was forced.  Can you clarify the experience without having to go into too much detail?