im a struggling addict today

[gnarly_1]

HI Everyone God this is hard to post im suppose to be a community leader ......strong well rounded and firm in my recovery yet over the last week or 2 I have found myself crumbling under the stress of life as many of you know I an 6yr 2mo clean of weed alcohol and everything else recreational ....I was treating sever back pain with methadone so I lived in denile about that for several more yrs but today have 641 days clean of methadone........I have been know to say it gets ez with time but I just want to let you guys know I still struggle and these past 2 weeks have had me questioning is it really worth it...IT IS.... but this disease will come at you any time you weak it is cunning and baffling and powerful I
know it has been my aftercare and God that has kept me going although sometimes im hanging by a thread I think the bigest letdown for me is having to give up my sales job because of stress without the dope at the end of the day I just cant cope with it....I gave it an honest try for 3 mo but slowly deteriorate to the point my wife had the talk with me I also reached out to some of my brothers in the church and everybody agreed it wasnt worth loosing my sobriety over to do this job....this is a really tuff pill for me to swallow I have been a million dollar writer for 25yrs
it is bringing me to my knees at 49 I have to reinvent myself in a really tuff job market and it seams hopeless
it like im just ready to say F/it and go back to using so I can do my job and make a living even though I no this would destroy me..today I sold my jeep to the scraper it was like saying godby to an old friend ....if you live in airazona you need a jeep I was forced to do it to have the extra money to pay for my internet phone and cable tv a big all in one bill money is getting tight again...this is why I always say as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason ......sometimes I go back to the old thinking I am a Christian and believe in God I also believe this war we rage is agents the principality of darkness not of the flesh and there is a demon haging over me ready and willing to strick me down just for what I do on this forum....Kat and I are almost empty nesters we have the last of 5 who is 18 living with us we are ready to move on with what God has for us and I believe in my heart it is a detox 1/2way house
it seams the more we push to get this going the more the enemy strikes ageist us and I am growing weare with it........im am struggling with trusting God with this it is his rehab/detox center not mine im just one of many he will use to get it going on one hand we have been blessed 6fold with help from others on the other hand I fell like im wondering the desert not knowing where to start again the urge to use has been tremendous anything to escape the stress im under......again its not the pills but rather the escape I seek  this can not be an option and I KNOW THIS yet I am still haunted by the disease ......this dose not go away I have tryed many levels of aftercare church and a personal walk with Jesus right now im hanging by a thread but im hanging I just want you guys to know im not without weakness or temptation its just as hard for me sometimes as someone just coming off this stuff  there are no garetees I just watched a friend who had his act together for well past a yr fall to this stupid disease and it just brought more discouragement to me...do I have a fighting chance?? I know we win this war one day at a time I just need to wake up and have it all smooth and better again not this ruff rocky road that im on now full of doubts and pitfalls and traps ready to spring them selfs on me there isent a person here I wouldent give the shirt off my back to help and even under these cecomstances I will still try to help out.....all I ask of you is a little slake I will make mistakes for my fellow Christians out there please keep me in your prayers I do you together we will beat this thing as that wasent enough im also bipolar and stress sets that off 2 went 4 nights last week without a wink of sleep now im falling into a depression I have been to the doctor and was told it is the side effects of coming off one of the meds...to me its just one more thing on top of a mountain ready to fall down on me and crush me I guess what im asking for is a little support I give it out all the time but rarely ask for it right now I need it thanks for reading this your friend and fellow addict Mark          

[salsinator]

Hi Mark,

Looks like you are having a better day today.  I am glad.  Things are coming around for me too.  My comment to you was going to give back the same advice you gave me the other day.  This disease stinks, period.  Hang in there.  I know how stress feels, believe me, that caused my relapse two weeks ago.  Take some time for YOU!  Re,ax in a quiet room with some smooth music and get in touch with what you are "feeling" and let it go.  Works wonders.  

Have a great weekend and hold your he'd up high!

[onthefence]

hang in there, I have seen you on here for a long time. You are inspiration to many, hope you can make it back to a comfortable place.

[Dane74]

MArk, You are an amazing man with a heart filled with gold! The impact you had on me and others on medhelp help have been tremendous.  This is a time in your life that you really need to lean on God and trust yourself and the path that He chose for you.  We are all human and when life gets tough we need to get tougher!!!  You can do this, your strength and dedication  to helping yourself and others is a true blessing and now it's our turn to help you. When we fall weak the demons love to pile up on us, just keep the faith and reach out, you will be just fine.  Knowledge is power and you have allot of it! I live by this and im sure you have read this before “The LORD is my strength and my defense ; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him", remember this Mark!!! Im praying for you buddy, and keep us all posted ok?   Blessings, Dane

[sudie58]

my thoughts and prayers are with you , gnarly, God Bless you.

[selfinduced]

Just checking on you. Hope you are in a brighter place. Have been saying my prayers for peace in your life. You are the salt of the earth, tough love with kindness mixed in, a wonderful mentor. Hang in there! The world needs more like you and dominosarah's influences around. Tomorrows a new day! xx

[Tunney]

I am not an addict but came to mh when i learned my daughter was in MMT. I had no knowlege and no idea how to support her. I couldn't eat or sleep. the world was suddenly a deparately lonely place. i didn't know anyone i could talk to who could or would help me. It was YOU who gave me "the goods" and came to my aid.I do not post regularly but i do read posts on almost a daily basis gaining knowledge and inspiration often from YOU! So you may not realize that there are many many more of us "silent members" out here that you are a life line for as well as the many that are posting!!! on behalf of us "silent members" i send you love and strength....we too need you to continue!!! It gives me hope that when my daughter is ready to reach out that you will be there for her!!! God Bless You!

[mellie4]

Glad to see you're having a better day.  I relate to the job situation.  I've been a court reporter for nearly 18 years and loved every minute of it.  Not able to do it anymore because of what happened with my hand and I've had a hard time with it, both financially (out of work 4 years with 4 kids, no support.)  Finances are breaking me.  Probably have to tell my oldest that she has to take at least a semester off college.

It's the straws, Gnarly.  The least little thing is the one that can send any one of us over the edge, in whatever way that is, drugs, alcohol, food.  It seems some people have more than their share of challenges and tests from God.  I know I have sometimes felt like He's testing me more than I can take and that he's not answering.  Maybe I'm not listening and looking at the window he's opening.

I am praying for ALL your struggles.  I am thankful for you and everyone here that you posted about this.  It shows that even the strongest have bad times and it gives people that chance to try to uplift you.  I was thinking about how amazing it must be to know that you have actually SAVED LIVES!!!!  How many of us know the contribution we make?  Often we go through life, doing the right thing, helping others, donating $$, but never get to know IF we made a difference.

I hope you find the job that will be right for you.  I can only imagine that God has something much better in store.  I often forget that MY time is not HIS time.  I am sure Heaven is being stormed with prayers for you.  Remember to take the words that have helped others and remind yourself that they are true and you will get through this.  (And also praying for your wife ... my ex had a torn rotator cuff and it was so painful.  I hope she gets relief from it soon!!!)

[Happie1]

I am soo thankfull for you. Your advice on here is what keeped me going so long. I will be praying for you every chance I get. Please take care of your self and maybe read some of your old posts of advice you have giving and give your wife and children huges, remember why your sober not why you were using. Your family (including us) needs you strong and adviceful (is that a word?) so take some time and remember we all love and need you here.

[avisg]

gnarly ,
Its OK even CLs are human we have good days and bad .The best thing you can do is  come out and talk about it . You cant always be the strong one that holds people put sometimes you have to let others help hold u up ....:)

[gnarly_1]

I just want to say thanks for all the support I had no idea the impact I have had on so many lifes
it brings me joy to know that I can be part of your recovery and a special tanks to all who posted and sent messages .....you will never know how much it has ment to me....im over the hump again a deeply appreciated THANKS....your friend and fellow addict Mark

[Bubulous]

Feel better, I sent you a message.

[therealmattj]

gnarly_1... You were one the reasons I checked into rehab. I remember when I was 40 norcs a day I kept thinking to myself how I wish I was on yourside of the computer clean, and your words have wisdom have kept me inspired. I believe in god yet I do not belong to a religion, but perhaps this is not the Demons you beat or a develish force bringing you to this place, perhaps it is god testing you, it is god throwing you this curve ball feeling because you are an evangilist my friend. I know that there is a ton of pressure on you in your life and things are going down a little but keep rolling on rollercoaster, one day closer brother. Every sunny day has it storm but Im gonna end this by saying this, we love you, we respect you to death and you have inspired us, if **** hits the fan we are all here to pick you up like you did to us. Direct msg me if you wanna get personal. All my love to you brother.

[tavia14]

All I can say is thank you so much for all your posts these last months! You have helped save my life yet once again. It doesn't get much better than that ..That's what you do! You will make it through and it will get better..you know that!

[eyeofhorus2010]

I don't have much to offer other than to let you know that thanks to you I finally understand what "Change the way you think" really means.
You're a big part of and reason for my 252 days clean.

This too shall pass.

[TooThoughtfulDan]

I just had a memory flash of the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life."  I think that applies to you.  There are people all over the world that are inspired by your sage advice and sharing of your personal struggles.  I know I am one of them.  My back pain is up several notches today and I am still staying away from the Vicoden.  I see a spine surgeon next week, and he could do surgery that would cripple me further.  Somehow this Forum has focused me on what is relevant, my three weeks of being clean.  I read your story and posts over and over and think, "Wow!  Look at the battles that Gnarly is fighting and winning!"  Maybe I can be a winner like him.  So that makes it personal to me, so I am sending out my prayers for you.  When I am at the "minute by minute" stage I read Eckhart Tolle, Scripture, this Forum, and try to lighten up on myself.
Sincerely, Dan

[LeaAnn807]

(((((((MARK))))))  I'm praying for you! I know this is going to be ok.  Hang in there.  You're getting through it!!!!

[ang_811]

Just read this. Im so sorry to hear ur struggling. Hang in there. Ill tell u what u have told me at least a  million times.."u can do this". This disease is def tricky and does get us at our weak moments. I also know u want ur sobriety more then u want to use. Hang in there and keep posting for support. We got ur back...Let us know how ur feeling today....thoughts n prayers r with u...

[gnarly_1]

HI Sara first off I want to thank you for your friendship and all the support of my friends here at medhelp.....I think you nailed it on the head with the meds my doctor is bringing me off risperdol and told me I wouldent feel that great till we where threw with the titration being bipolar and an addict has its challenges you get to feeling strange in your own skin and want to self medicate to feel better....I need to get out of this self pitty party and move on ....I cant control the way my brain chemistry is and need to take my own advise...''.you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile''... I know these feelings are only temporary...its just seams lately life has been exceptionally hard our truck broke down not once but 3 different times in the last 2 weeks its no fun working on something when its 106 outside....if I really think about it im skilled in a lot of different areas I use to hold an electrician license and can build just about anything its just changing careers is a scary proposition.....Kat is still without health ins and still has got a torn rotorcuff in her shoulder that is getting worst buy the day it looks like we may have found some help for that still not sure but its looking hopeful theres just so much on my plate right now I guess thats when I entertain the though of using to excape all the stress.....im not going to use my clean time means to much to me and after being beat down by this diesese for 16 1/2yr I know where it goes I guess I just needed to vent to someone that would understand
its kinda funny Kat was the one that insisted I post she said you need the support and people need to know your human and that this thing dosent go away at best we can keep it in remition
I have been working with my conslor Paul as well as my doctor I still have my church family praying for me next is off to a meeting tonight...I feel a lot better just getting it off my chest sometimes posting can be the best medicine...now if I can just get this stress level down a bit where ok for this upcoming month now that the jeep is gone but I really need to find work we have lived on a shoe string for so long our budget is low so just about any job will cover us and im not picky the focus of my life is the detox/1/2way house God has really layed that on my heart so we will continue to work toward that eventually that will become my job but thats off a ways still a lot to do to get it off the ground meanwile I will still be on here my love for people is as strong as ever and you know I have a heart for the addict ....like you said I will get past this I guess I just wanted to tell everybody im not armor plated this thing gets to me sometime to and everybody needs support from time to time you just have to swallow some pride and ask for it.... God bless all of you you guys have always gotten me threw may God guard your hearts and bless all of you abundantly your friend and fellow addict Mark      

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today Mark?

[addict3]

Mark,
I hope all you are needing is an adjustment in meds. I am with the others here who respectfully suggest you bring in your Dr.
You know this is just a part of this disease. You seem to be solid in your faith, consult with your higher power on this.

Many people on here will have you in their thoughts and prayers, Hopefully knowing this will help!
I wish you well my friend.....My prayer for you has already been asked.

[mellie4]

I'm hoping today is a better day today.  It is so touching to see how much you're loved.

[tommyjames716]

Hey man ... this is Billy (27 yrs on Methadone) ... Suni emailed me and said you were having a rough time. You see because of you I didn't know. Because of you I have my life back and I don't need to come to this site anymore. When I cried out for help on my darkest day you answered and that gave me the strength to get to the next day ... and then the next ... you told me about vitamin B and the milkshake stuff ... that also helped. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm here now ... clean because of your help. Now multiply me with the hundreds that you've help before and after me. DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN IMPACT YOU'RE HAVING ON THIS IS PLANET?

You have your beliefs and they are your strength ... we must live our beliefs or we are hypocrites. You mention that a friend backslid after a year. Well that's a shame ... but he is not you and you can not save everyone ... even Jesus on his best day couldn't save everyone ... and do you think you're better at saving people than He is...?

Listen ... in my philosophy all choices are valid ... if you choose to fall off the wagon ... then so be it ... you'll get back on ... the number of days don't matter ... the only thing that matter is if you are clean NOW ... but I don't think you're going anywhere ... we all get down ... even me ... but because of you ... no matter how down I get ... I KNOW I will never put Methadone or any chemical in my body again.

So the next time you're feeling' blue think of me and all the other people you've helped over the years ... your life is so much more than being a salesman ... no I take that back .. you are the best damn salesman I ever met for being clean ... you've save a lot of weary souls ... and I thank you for saving mine ... GOD BLESS YOU ...!!!  

[jewlz2626]

You are such an inspiration to everyone on here, but we know you ARE human & will have bad days...especially when stressing! We battle this disease for so long, I can see that the longer we stay clean, we forget how dreadful it really was! Just remember how hard you worked to get the sober Mark back. It was the fight of your life & you won, you deserve to keep that trophy! Thank you for being you!! Praying for you Mark! Julie

[vicki595]

Mark- I have ONE WORD for YOU:   SHRIMP!!!!!

You love shrimp more and you know it!  Here's the thing:  I'd be a liar if I said i never felt this way,too.  It's part of the human condition to feel stress and want to escape from it at the same time!   It's just never easy for anyone! But,there are also wonderful days in between the bad ones.

For you, it's harder because you already have a situation that messes with your head! I know that disease runs in cycles and the meds that help for a period of time suddenly don't work!
Call the doctor in on this; it's happened before and I believe a lot of this is biology with you along with sleep deprivation. That's when you begin to get the "whispers"...

There's a lot of motivation to stay clean and sober for us...if we were alone on the island here it would just be easy to say,"screw it"!  But,there are people who love us and count on us and sometimes when we can't seem to "do it" for ourselves, we need to do it for THEM!

This will pass. I'm glad you shared because you're not the only one who feels like this! So,
come on and call the doctor!!   My job is stressful,too,and I think it's unhealthy at times,that's why I don't do it a lot!!  Look at some options and how the hell are you this morning???? Don't make me worry about you!  I hate to worry on Fridays!!