I am stuck in hell

I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.

[snakejones]

Hi there, and welcome to the forum. I am so glad that you are here! Lots of nice people are here to help in any way they can. Please listen to them, for their experiences have made them really wise.
I understand what you are saying about not letting your family or coworkers know what's going on. Please go as soon as you can to the pain clinic doctor and tell him/her what you have told us. Then ask for a taper program. You'll probably get a couple prescriptions to help with withdrawal as you wean off. I'm a big believer in tapering rather than cold turkey, but most addicts don't have the strength to do that, especially when they are having w/d symptoms and those pills are right there. Yet you really can't go off them cold turkey if you have to work, and you also want to hide the problem from your wife. Giving them to a coworker to dispense is a bad idea for several reasons, but the prime reason is that if she is discovered holding your pills, she will lose her job and go to jail, as possession of DEA Schedule II drugs that are not yours is a felony. Take them back immediately to protect her and yourself legally. The best idea of course is to tell your wife---yes, she'll be furious, but honey, marriage is "in sickness AND in health". Would she hold the bottle for you and dispense them? Write to us some more in the days to come--we all want to see you healthy again.

[ricart70]

Hi,Your doing a really good thing by giving the pills to someone to give out to you.The ideal thing would be for you to taper down little by little.The doc can give you clonodine when you get to the point of quitting altogether.It helps with the withdrawals.Also there are alot of people on here to help and support you during this.I went cold turkey because I am all alone and could not taper.This is hard but you can do it.The mental stuff is the worst in my opinion.You can do it.I am 60 days clean from 150-200+ oxycontin perday.It will get better I promise you that.The first five days are the roughest physically then you just tough it out day by day.In just 21 days you will notice a big difference.Kepp posting and let us know how you are doing.

[ricart70]

Yeah I guess snake is right about the friendo.It would be best to tell your wife and she may be way more understanding than you think.It would ultimately probably make you feel better to tell her too.After all you came by this addiction honestly for the most part and it's not like you have been buying them off the streets.The end result of these pills is always dependency or addiction or both so you should give yourself a break on the guilt.She should too.Addiction is a very common if not ubiquitous problem when people are given these pills for pain.There is no way you are really to blame for this.You are only responsible for fixing this.So is your pain doc imo.

[littlebit667]

I have a problem with substituting one pill for another unless it is non addictive.  Suboxone has it's place for sure...but, I would think to save that for a last ditch effort.  IMHO

[ricart70]

Yeah no suboxone.

[colinsplace66]

I am sitting here at work reading all these replies and crying my eyes out. I can't believe I got myself into this fix. I would really like to tell my wife. I know I would feel so much better BUT, no good will come from this. She found out I was taking them a ways back and went to the doctor with me and put an end to it immediately. I could not handle the W/D so I called my doctor who had refered me to them. I made up a excuse saying that they don't take my insurance info anymore and that I need another referal to another pain Clinic. He did this and I started all over again. My wife and I have been on a rocky road since then. She has trust issues with me and she is totally justified in this. I love my wife and our life together more than anything in this world. I treat her well. I have never abused her, cheated on her or anything like that. She is a perfect angel. She does not deal well with weakness. She expects me to be the man of the family and strong. I am sure this would be the straw that breaks the camels back. I CANNOT let that happen. I must be strong and get the hell off this terrible drug on my own. It was hard to ask a coworker to hold the drug for me. It's asking allot I know. They will never leave my work though. They will be locked up and she will despense them to me little by little. She understands what I am going through, thank god. I wish I could go to my wife but it's not going to happen. I will ask my pain doctor for something to help me come down off it. I already have a script for clonodine. I will fill it when the time comes. Once I taper down to 1 a day I will go to 1/2 a day and then I don't know? Maybe he will perscribe me something less strong to use at that point. I am just afraid he will tell me that he is going to cut me off and give me nothing. I can't believe how this stuff messes with my emotions. I am already an emotional guy but this is rediculous. I am still on it and just taking a little less and still I am an emotional mess. I am crying over nothing. Crazy huh? I would way rather be in pain than go through anything like this. I can't believe that the pain clinic doctors didn't explain any of the ramifications of taking this to me before they perscribed it. They just wrote a script and sent me on my way. I had no idea that this would happen. Thank you all for responding. It is nice to talk to someone about all this rather than holding all of it inside. I am taking 5 this week and next week 4 and so on. I hate ocycodone! It should be illegal! No wonder there are so many people addicted to this drug. Please keep posting, I totally appreciate it.

[ricart70]

Hey,we all have experienced the exact same things that you are describing from these opiates.Sounds like you have a plan and if it does not work then there are other plans.Just hang in there.You want off and that is the first step.

[RichmondGirl]

I understand what you are going through, I wil be 48 hours COLD TURKEY tonight!!! I tossed and turned all last night. No sleep what so ever. I have been on Norco for about just 8 months, compared to some people on here that is not long and I took about 3-4 pills daily. However, soed not change the fact that my body is used to it and my legs hurt! this really *****, I wonder what day three will be like.....im never ever taking these pills again and I mean it! I refuse to put myself through this, and if it makes you feel better, I have also been crying, just about this situation period. its crazy how you have a surgery and like the way the pills make you feel. that is what happened to me! i kinda liked it and did not hav e the desire for alcohol anymore which was a previous problem. and i liked that!! not wanting to drink, i really like that, just pop a couple pills and Im good, its time to start feeling normal again......im just going to suffer through the withdrawls coldturkey , i got myself into this mess not i have to get myself out!!! you can do it also! God Bless

[colinsplace66]

I think it's great that you have decided to kick it. A few weeks ago I ran out and told myself 4 days wont be a big deal, God was I wrong. The first day wasnt that bad but the 2nd was pure hell. I could't go to work. I actually forced myself to go to work the 3rd day and I could harly even drive there. I sat at my desk like a zombie. I couldnt really function. I didn't eat or get any sleep for 5 days solid. The 5th day was a little better but I filled my script and got to work. I still coulnt sleep for another 2 nights. There is nothing worst than not being able to sleep that long and without eating I was soooo sick. This is the worst nightmare I have ever gone through and I will never get myself into this mess again. I have to function, work, and be a dad so I am going to try this weaning off thing and see if it works. I see my doctor next Monday and am hoping he will help me with something to ease the withdrwal process. I would expect another few days and nights of pure hell. I hope you start feeling better after that. I was so sick I coudnt even get on the computer. I was having panic attacks constantly. I am getting nausiated just thinking about it.

[Bkitty]

I can totally relate to almost everything you posted! I am newly married and my husband has NO idea his wife is an addict-Ive managed to keep it from him all this time. I feel like a terrible person,,he loves me so much but Ive been so strung out on these pills (percs) that ive been nasty and moody. I have a lot of pressure as you do,,i am the "bread winner" in the family, the one with the great job and education. Everyone looks to me for advice and support. Hang in there this site is a great place/resource and amazing folks with amazing advice. This is my second and LAST time here. What Ive done differently this time is followed up with aftercare and meetings.  I didnt 2 yrs ago and well,,,here I am. Percocets are a terrible terrible drug but oh how I love them but the big thing was they "turned" on me and they didnt give me the gusto I once had with them no matter how many I took. I keep telling myself that. Hang in there!!

[Bkitty]

Oh ya,, I too am overly emotional and cry at everything right now,,but another member states that is very normal and will pass. Im on day 6 cold turkey off 10-15 10/325mg tabs a day. I tore my car apart on day 2 looking for a pill that I thought I dropped at 2 in the morning.Then the cat found a bottle under the bed with about 20 in them. after my husband coaxed him out I realized what they were I made him flush them. I actually checked the toilet and a few were still floating around and the cat was drinking from it and I couldnt even look at my cat for the rest of the night. I was so mad at that cat. I cried and cried. Still cry...but its over. This addiction is over.

[ricart70]

Hi Bkitty,I think that later yuo will see some humor in that cat story.Were you mad at that cat because he got to lick up the percocet water?lol I am sorry.

[Bkitty]

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For some reason this whole coming off the pills this time around has been comical for me,,,its like this addiction is mocking and making fun of me. The other thing is I ate a box of twinkies the first day (10),,the 4th day I ate a box of fiber bars (6) which was prolly the stupidest thing ever!!,,then the cat and yesterday I ate a loaf of bread (toast). My hubby who has NO idea im in withdrawal told me " Wow baby you have been eating us out of house and home,,do I need to check you in the Betty Crocker Clinic".......that kinda hurt my feelings :(

[wishfulthinking57]

Welcome.  Glad to see you're kicking the habit.  We've all been where you are right now.. feeling terrible, crying daily, horrible anxiety, just pure misery.  BUT....the one reassuring thing you can take from ANY of this, if you want to take anything at all....it's that we're all still here to help you aren't we?  So that means we survived and this is something you can absolutely get through.  When I posted on this forum, just the sheer fact of knowing I wasn't alone really helped me get through the first tough stages.  Knowing a lot of the people posting were people who had already gone through these things and they ended up being okay.  

You already took the first step by recognizing this all has become a problem and you plan on doing something about it.  Just need to remember what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, and I can promise you that from my experience, to the experiences others have told me about, this will be hell yes I won't sugarcoat it for you....but will you come out a stronger person?  Absolutely.  My life has made significant changes since I kicked my habit to the curb, and I've got mainly the people on this message board to thank, so you came to the right place my friend.  Please, continue to post you progress and any questions, everyone is more then willing to help.

[wishfulthinking57]

P.s kitty how are things going?!

[colinsplace66]

That you for your response. It's nice to know that I am not alone. I feel terrible that I have not shared this with my wife. The guilt is unbearable. I think she suspects though. About 5 months ago I was seeing a pain managment doc with her knowledge. She didnt agree with it but knew I was doing it. I ran out of pills and had her come with me to an appointment. The plan was to let the doctor know I was having issues controling my meds and that my wife was going to hold them and dispense them. That all backfired on me when she told the doctor that she does not believe that I am in enough pain to justify these meds. She also told him that she believes I am taking them just to get high. All this was true of coarse but this was not my plan and the doctor pulled the plug on my meds. I called the original doctor that had refered me to this place and made up a story saying that the place I was going is no longer contrated through my insurance carrier and that I need another referal to another pain clinic. He did just that and I started back up again without her knowledge. We have been on rocky ground ever since. I think another problem with this stuff is that I have no sex drive at all. Zero. That certainly isn't helping. She said last weekend that she has our furniture separated in her head and that we were just like roomates right now. She said she has stopped caring if I am smoking or doing narchotics. I think she suspects that I am still doing them. She has trust issues with me now and these are totally justified. I caslled my heath insurance today and found a detox place nearby and after my insurance it would cost me $1400 to detox and be done with it. I would have to come clean with her though. I really want to but am also worried that that would be the end of us. The way I look at it though, if I keep doing it than it will end in us not being together. If I come clean and tell her that I am doing it for myself, her and the kids then at least I think I will have a better shot. I am never doing this again. I love my wife more than anything and if I lost her I would lose myself. I dont think I could go on with out her.

[colinsplace66]

I called my heath insurance today and found a detox place nearby and after my insurance it would cost me $1400 to detox and be done with it. I would have to come clean with her though. I really want to but am also worried that that would be the end of us. The way I look at it though, if I keep doing it than it will end in us not being together. If I come clean and tell her that I am doing it for myself, her and the kids then at least I think I will have a better shot. I do not think I can make it through this taper thing. I am too tempted. I want off these now. I can't wait. The longer I'm on them the harder it will be. I am going to talk to my boss. He is also a good freind and he knows whats going on with me. He wants me to get off these too. I am going to see if he will let me have the time off I need to go to detox. When I go throgh withdrawals I don't have anyone to help me at home. My kids are to young and my wife wont help me. I need someone to help take care of me. food, drinks, meds, support. I know I will need this. I can't put my family through this again. The times I went through withdrawal before my family though I had the flu and I just can't do this again. My wife hates it when I'm sick. She has no compassion and hates weakness. I think a week in detox is the best way to end this as comfortably as possible. I am going to be honest with my doctors so I will cut off all sources. that way I wont be able to relapse. I am thinking of doing it over a weekend like thursday thru tuesday. I would just have to tell my wife the truth that I have still been taking them and have been trying to get off them for several months but the withdrawals have made it incredibly hard. I will tell her that I am sorry and that I want to end this so that we can work on us. There no way I can continue this way. I dont want to lose you. I realize I have done allot of damage and this has not helped but if I don't do this than we dont have a chance. I hope she will understand. I hope she doesn't leave me. I think this is the best way to do this. What do you think?

[true2me]

Boy do I feel for you!!  Im so sorry you're going through this and your wife isn't (yet) supporting you.  I think you need to come clean with your wife and the Dr.  But I begging you please dont trade one addiction for another!!  Take the most natural way possible to get clean dont become dependent on the withdrawl (withdrawal) meds.  I did it cold turkey at home and dragged my butt out of bed each day! Which wasn't easy after being up all night with the RLS and the sweats!  But I work from home so it was great not to have to face the world feeling like that.  My husband it great and supports me which I so hope your wife come around also because that would help you so much!  Good luck!!

[ricart70]

I think this is a good plan.I hope she understands that you are really trying to do this for your family.Good luck buddy

[colinsplace66]

OK, change of plans. The detox facility I contacted gave me another option and gave me the contact info of a doctor that used to work there and has opened his own practice. He himself is a recovering pain pill addict. I have an appointment with him next Tuesday. I am supposed to go there in intermediate withdrawal. Not supposed to take anything 12 hours prior. I am going to see if he has a plan to get me off these pills but still be a functional parent, employee and husband. I was told that once he starts with me I have to see him daily for the first week. I like this idea because if I have having issues like not sleeping I am hoping he can give me something to help with that. I am worried because of when the appointment is. I cannot be sick through the thanksgiving holiday. My family would not appreciate that at all.

[ricart70]

sounds like he is going to put you on a replacement.I hope this doesn't just prolong the agony and make it worse.I just do not know about this

[Ann2497]

I would not want him to put you on suboxone.  You will have to wean off of this also.  What about weaning off the drug slowly and taking Clonidine once you are totally off the drug?  

Your wife sounds a lot like my husband.  I know others will disagree but I don't know if telling her is a good idea.  My husband was not supportive.  He accuses me of abusing Vitamin C now.  I can't take anything without being accused of abusing it.  I regret ever being honest with him.  He also accused me of abusing antibiotics when I had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away.   He said I needed to go to rehab when I went to the doctor twice in one month for the sinus infection.  Try to get an insurance company to pay for that!!!

[colinsplace66]

I agree with you on not telling my wife. I have talked with my mom about this too. She is really my only support. She told me that nothing good will come from it. My wife would not understand and not simpathize with me on it at all. You and my mom are right. I will not tell her. I will have to kick this on my own. I got a referral from a detox clinic to see a pain management recovery doctor. He used to work for them and is a recovering addict himself. I have an appointment with him tomorrow at 1:30 pm. He does use Subexone. I am worried about taking this but I cannot taper down on the Oxycodone. I don't trust myself. I will take more than I am supposed to. I know it. I am going to put my trust in this doctor and lay it all on the table for him. I will take my last dose of Oxy toninght as I am supposed to stop taking the meds 12 hours before seeing him. For me it will be more like 18 hours. I am supposed to be in begining stages of withdrwal when I go there. I am scared to death that I am going to be sick again. I need to be functional over the Thankgiving holiday and to put up all the Christmas decorations like we do every year. I am supposed to see him daily for the first week. I am glad because if I am having trouble he will be able to make adjustments to help me. Sleep is the biggest problem. If I can't sleep within and a couple days I will be a mess. He will then taper me down off the Subexone at a gradual pace. I am hoping to get through that within a month. I don't want to take it anymore than that. The good thing is you don't get high taking it so there's no reason to take more witch is why I couln't taper off the Oxy. He came highly recomended so I hope this will work for me. I am really worried about it. I am not one to go buy drugs off the streets. I have no one I could convince to give me any so this is it. All my sources for the drugs have been cut so I have to get off it period. I WILL GET OFF THIS STUFF! I will post again and let everyone know how it's going. Thanks for caring. wish me luck!

[colinsplace66]

Ann, I just wanted to let you know that I took my last Oxy last night at 8pm. My appointment with my new doc was a 2pm today. I didnt get in to see him till 3pm and was already withdrawing bad. I was crying just talking to him about everything. (I'm already an emotional guy but when I'm in withdrawal it's rediculous). He stopped me and gave me a cup. It had a little orange pill in it. He told me to put it under my tongue and wait till it disolved. It was Subexone. I felt 100% better in like 2 minutes. Unbelivable! I told him that I am glad it works but that I don't want to get dependant on it and he said that I won't. He is going to taper me off it within a 3 week time frame. He says he has helped hundreds like me. I feel great! I am not taking those evil pills any more. I will take a pill twice a day. He wants to see me tomorrow to see if the dose worked. I am back at work and doing great. I will be able to enjoy my holiday weekend without having to worry about how many pills I have left and when I can take more and the guilt I have been going through. I know everyone says don't take Subexone but I think if I follow the plan and get off it in a few weeks the nightmare will be over! I am so relieved! Have a great Thanksgiving :)

[ricart70]

Good luck buddy.I hope this works out for the best./

[colinsplace66]

Thank you, I really appreciate the support. It feels great to not be taking OXY anymore. I am hopeful for the future witch is a hell of a lot better than I was a few days ago. Happy Thankgiving!

[Kell826]

I am also a new addict to this site.... am trying desperately to wean myself off suboxone and want to tell you- BE CAREFUL!!  I do believe it is a good way to stop taking 20 pain pills a day VS. one or two suboxone, but trust me- it as just as addictive!  Now I am having trouble getting off of it. I am trying to go cold turkey and am attending NA meetings. They have been awesome. The withdraw is hell...but I am praying it gets better. I feel sooo badly that your wife does not support you. In my eyes, if she really cared about you she would educate herself about addiction,   learn addiction is a disease, just like cancer, or diabetes, or anything else. She would help take care of you then, wouldn't she??  I am soo blessed that I have a supportive husband... I can't imagine how I'd get thru this w/o him. I have to wonder if she is really the one for you? I  read the posts that you love her, and are good to her...but is she good to YOU? No one sets out to become an addict. For all of us, I believe it starts by accident for most... I know it did for me.
I wish you all the luck and blessings in the world Colinsplace.... will be praying for you, and for me... and for all the other addicts out here.

[colinsplace66]

I havnt posted in a while so I thoght I would. I have not taken any pills in over 2 weeks. I am rapidly tapering off Subexone. I am down to 2 MG a day and the day after tomorrow I go to 1 MG for 4 days and then nothing. I am scarred I am going to W/D at that point. I feel fine now. I am still having cravings. I have 30 30 MG Morphines on me. I havn't taken any cause the Sub blocks it anyway. no point in it right. I am do to refill my Oxy Script tomorrow. 120 15 MG. I'm not going to fill it. I am tempted though. I keep telling myself, once I am off everything a while I can take a couple Oxy's just to get high and stop. avoid any W/D and just use once in a while. It's my sick brain talking huh? I am dealing with all the pain well. I am taking 800 MG of Ibuprophen and just dealing with it. I should probably throw the morphine away and rip up my Oxy script and cancel my monthly pain management appointment right? I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I am going crazy. I have so much to lose. I'm so stupid. My brain keeps trying to rationalize. It's telling me stuff like what if you get hurt again? you will need pain meds much stronger than they will give you. I have a way high tolerance. Vicoden does nothing for me. It has to be percocet. Why can't I bring myself to do the right thing?

[ricart70]

That's why I woried about the suboxone.It will do no good if you don't intend on quitting.You really need to cancel the script and get rid of the morphine.If you do not do this you will be right back where you started.....in hell....You will withdraw once the sub is out of your system.It is making you feel good right now.It is also killing some pain.If you don't want to quit don't quit.If you do,throw out the morphine and the script.I was clean 2.5 years and thought I could take one too.Here I am 1 year and 20k later.You said in your previous post that you couldn't be sick through thanksgiving,thanksgiving is over.There is no good time to quit besides now
I'm not trying to be mean.This will get way worse if you don't seize the opportunity .

[vicki595]

Listen, the whole point of taking Sub is to keep you comfortable while you work on the mental aspect of addiction. The doctor should have explained all this to you so it's not your fault!

I'm sure the mental part is a bear for you right now but you need to PUSH as hard as you can! Yes! Cancel the pain management appt. Call the pharmacy and cancel refills. Shred the rx you have and flush those Morphine pills!!  You have to!! And I'll tell you what else: You need to put on your big boy pants and tell your wife where the bear pooped in the buckwheat!!  Flush the pills right in front of her! Get yourself to an AA meetings and go every day!

This is ridiculous what your wife has put you through. I do understand her unhappiness with you BUT she should be helping you and not being a dictator. This is a family disease! Support is crucial!!  She's got you scared to death and it's time for you to fight!!  We didn't plan to become addicted in life; I know I didn't. It happens and then life goes on. You need to be respected and admired for your strength here!  But, even if you don't tell her and I'm not saying you HAVE to, you need to get rid of all the available avenues to pills. Can you do that??  Believe me, the whole mess will just continue forever and it will make you nuts if you don't!  At least you have your co worker for support! That's great!

Stay in touch here,okay?

[colinsplace66]

I do agree with you. My wife is a difficult one. Things have just started to get better between us. I cant tell her now. If I do I will go backwards. It will not help. She has zero compassion and NO sympathy especially when it comes to this stuff. It has made all this really tough. The only support I have is this site and my mom but shes 400 miles away. I don't have many friends. I am kind of a loner, I think it's a self esteem issue. It has gotten worst cause I lost my job over this. It was a great job, paid well, I was very good at it and I loved it. I got another job but it pays half as much and I really don't like it. I am lucky to have one. I'm not complaining. Thankgiving morning a very good friend of my overdosed on OXY and died. His wife is a mess. He had been really messed up on that stuff for 2 years. He was snorting it and getting it from multiple doctors and buying it off the streets somehow. I also had bllod work done and my coleserol is double what it should be. I have to take lipitor now. I don't get it, im 6'2" tall and 210 lbs. Im not fat at all. I don't understand why the high coleserol. Do you get the picture here. Lots going on at once. I have taken quite a financial hit too. I had perfect credit. My truck and my RV trailer have just been reposessed. I can't pay some of my bills anymore. I am consentrating on keeping my house and hoping to get a loan modification. I am the one who takes care of our money and bills. All of this is going on at the same time. It is quite a load to tackle. it's really weighing me down and I am really depressed. I wish it was just the drug problem but it's not. It's the drug issue, job loss and starting a new one, problems in my marridge,major financial problems and on top of all of it depression. I'm just not happy anymore. I stuggle to do the everyday things I have to do. I am crying alot. It's hard to do all of this all alone. It's all my doing though. I deserve this. I chose the the drug over everything else. It not all my fault though. I didn't know I was going to get addicted. I was following doctors orders, It all started from a bad accident and several surgeries and then being referred to the pain clinic. I think they would have kept me on this stuff forever. I think they should be outlawed. These places are ruining lives. I have to own up to my part in this. My wife didn't cause any of this and I don't believe that she deserves to be brought down with my problems. I have to stand tall and get through this alone. I went to the gym this morning. I always feel better after a workout. It's just really hard to find any posative one a huge world of negative right now. I know if I take more pills I will feel happy again but that's not the answer. I have to just try to get thru it. My libito is coming back. That's a good thing. I havn't even thought about sex or been at all wanting it for like 9 mo. When I take those pills that just goes away completely. I am looking forward to a marathon in the sack with my wife soon. She's not there yet but I can tell it's getting better. I sure hope next week once I'm off the Sub that the W/D are not too bad. The emotional stuff is really bad with me. I get really depressed and cry over hardly anything. Crazy! So that's whats going on. It's a lot Huh?

[lulu747]

It is a lot and I am sorry for your suffering.  when I get overwhelmed I just focus on one small aspect at a time and try not to be so hard on myself.  Life is messy-but if you honour yourself, your feelings, and take care of your mental and physical body it will get better....It may take awhile to see change but gradually the load will lessen.  You are overwhelmed and feeling helpless yes?  Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.  If you are getting no support at home have you considered going to NA or AA or a counseller of some sort?  No one can do this alone and it's your life.  The most important thing.  The only way out is through.....

[vicki595]

Listen, life is messy but addiction is one ugly SOB!  You didn't do this all alone and you need to let go of that guilt!  Yes you made bad choices but was it really "you"? Or was it you on pills?  Big difference.

You just might be a candidate for an antidepressant for a little while. Talk to your doctor. It's hard enough going through all the changes with a detox but with all this other upheaval it can be overwhelming!   I do think (on the brighter side) that once you get a little closer with your wife you'll feel a bit more support! I have to agree with not telling her right now; I'm not sure you can handle her anger!

Try to take each thing as it comes for now and don't spend so much time thinking...also,until you see the doctor, try "beefing" up on some amino acids; they can really help. There's a protocol in our health pages at the bottom of this page. Go read that and let me know what you think...

[colinsplace66]

Wow, rough weekend. I am now down to 1 mg of Subexone a day. I feel like I am going through withdrawal right now. Bad chills, Anxiuosness like you can't believe. I not hungry either. I'm at work and feel like crap. God, when is this going to end? I am tottally crabby too. THIS *****!

[IBKleen]

Hey!

Listen, I know you are doing a short taper but you should be through the major withdrawal by now. You should not be having any severe symptoms. Please don't forget that this is very much a mental game right now. Don't concentrate on the symptoms because your brain will find more reasons for you to pop a pill---that is a promise.

Also, did you get rid of the Morphine and cancel that OXY script? You need to think long and hard about that. I never think it is a good idea to hold on to your "Just-In-Case", especially in the position you are in now. I don't believe you are strong enough to go on sheer will power right now. I am not sure I could either and I surely wouldn't test it. Set yourself up for success, not failure.

Keep pushing forward and get the supplements that were suggested. Let us know how you are.

[colinsplace66]

Hello everyone, It's been awhile. I have had a lot happen recently. Tapering off Subeoxe was not really working well. I was getting sick a lot. My wife found two empty pill bottles and realized I was taking Oxy. She totally freaked out on me a week ago friday. I then decided I had had enough of all this and checked myself into a 5 day detox. I got out Sunday. It was really tough. I probably should have stayed longer but I had to get back to work. Today is 7 days clean for me and I feel like crap. I have this nausiating empty feeling in my gut. I feel like I am in a daze. I am not getting much sleep. I am at work but not feeling very well. This *****! My wife is so mad at me she is sleeping in the other room and not really talking to me. I don't know how I am going to get through work today. I feel terrible.

[133113]

I know how you feel.  Today is Day 4/5 for me after a short relapse after getting close to 10 days clean.  I am at work too and feel like ****.  Yesterday I felt much better.

I have realized that this is just going to take time, bottom line.  When I feel like I do now, I know this will not last forever and I know if I can actually get 30 days, I am going to feel much better.

I try to stay busy at work and get up and take a lot of walking breaks it seems to help.  Today when I had a craving I said out loud "I want to go get drugs to get high"  It made me realize how ridiculous that sounded and that I was better than that.  Little things every day have helped me through.

Stay Strong

[colinsplace66]

I'm glad to here I'm not alone. Today I am feeling a bit better. Today is day 8 clean. My doctor has me taking allot of anxiety meds and anti depresents. They are helping. I still having a tough time sleeping. I am not hungry at all. Not eating very much. At least I am not nauseated this morning like I have been every morning. I'm very tired and lathargic. The littlest tasks seem to involve so much effort. I think I am through the worst of it. These pain pills have cost me so much. I lost a job that I loved and paid 90k a year, I have have my truck and my RV repoed. I am late on my house payment. I got another job but it pays half what I was making. I hate it! My wife wont even talk to me. My credit is destroyed. It's all so overwhelming. So much loss..... All for a bunch of blue pills. So sad......I really blew it!

[IBKleen]

Hi Colin,

I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Listen, you need to turn your attitude around. I know it is difficult. You have been a lot but your attitude (a good one) will take you a long way with the physical symptoms as well as the mental.

Yes, all of those things happened (job, truck, relationship, etc.) and you can't change it. You CAN learn from it and you CAN go forward. Each day you stay clean is a step in the right direction. Some things can be repaired, some things cannot. Right now it is about getting you well so concentrate on that. Don't let the other things overwhelm you.

Glad you are hanging around here and posting. Keep doing that. It does help. Do something nice for yourself today and keep going forward!!

[133113]

Hey Collin,

I went back and read through all of your old posts and alot of that hit home with me.  When I started on this pain management road, no one ever told me that this was addictive.  After initially getting off this junk, I got right back on about 6 months later.  Through this process I have realized that in order to stay clean you have to make a lot of life changes.  When I finally broke down and told my wife, she reacted like your wife did.  Eventually she will come around.

If you really want to stay clean, you got call your doctors and tell them you no longer need the pills, it is hard to do, but will prevent you from going back in a moment of weakness.  Also if you have any access to pills you have to get rid of them.  My last relapse happened because I was around someone who had some,  thank god it only last a week.

Also, try and incorporate some time of aftercare.  I found that talking to my wife or friends that never went through this was of little help.  I started therapy, which has helped alot!!!!  I also finally broke down and went to some NA meetings.  Wow were those eye opening, it was very hard to walk through that door, but once I overcame my fear and sat and listened, it was like hearing my own thoughts.  There is comfort in being around and knowing others have the same problems as you.

Finally, do not be so hard on yourself.  Through this process I realized the past is the past, yeah it losing so much over these pills *****, but you cannot go back and change that.  All you can do is change the present and make good decisions now.  Stay strong for today, realize you will have good moments and bad moments, but everyday you do not use, is a day closer to feeling normal where the good moments will outweigh the bad

[colinsplace66]

I appreciate the comments. They are good advice. I wish I could put it to practice but I am in a deep hole right now and can't and don't want to crawl out of it. I have ruined my life. I have lost all that makes me happy. I deserve all this suffering. I have hurt my wife and let down my family pysically, mentally and financially. I am a selfish, drug addicted, lier and I do not deserve to go on. I do not want to go on. I am miserable and want to check out of this life...................

[133113]

Try and stay strong,  these feelings are not forever and are not your true feelings once you heal.  You may wanna call your doctor about the meds he has you on because sometimes they can cause these thoughts.

Hang tough, another day is almost in the books.  just give yourself  30 days, you owe that everyone

[colinsplace66]

I called my doctor. He will call me back. I am having suicidal thoughts.

[133113]

If you are having those thoughts you need to call the Dr. and let them know it is an emergency.  Please do not do anything until you talk to a professional

[ricart70]

Hey Colin just know this;  if you hang in there you will get better.There is no doubt about it.You need to talk to someone right now about how you feel.Just hang in there.You may feel horrible but from the outside looking in you are doing really good.You got away from the oxys and the suboxone which could have turned out to be hell.Now you just need to keep moving forward and let time do the work that I know it will do.

[vicki595]

Colin, are you at home?  You need to check in here now...

[colinsplace66]

The doctor wants me to check into a hospitol. I can't do that. If I don't stay at work I can lose my job. My wife will lose it. He thinks it may be the medication. I am on Cymbalta 60 mg, Seroquel, 200mg, Norotin, Clonidine and visteril I think. maybe I should just stop taking all this.

[IBKleen]

If there is any way you can get in to the hospital I think it would benefit you. It is not a good idea to stop the medication cold turkey. Please, please listen to your doctor. If you can't go to the hospital then let him try and adjust it for you.

[vicki595]

It's very likely that it's the medication Colin. Did he offer an alternative to the hospital?  Dosage adjustments?   It's not wise to just stop taking it all...that will really mess with all those brain chemicals.

You may NOT lose your job!   There are other ways to look at this. And right now YOU may lose it so forget about your wife for a minute. You need to think here...what will feel good right now? What one thing would make you feel better?  Think about it. I don't know the answer because it's YOUR answer. What? Even if it seems stupid.  Would a nap or a great night's sleep feel good?  A meatball Sub?

[133113]

Collin,

Your life is more important than a job, it may not feel like it right now, but it is.  Also your wife will understand, this is obviously a side effect of the medications.  

If it were me, I would just tell your boss you are having side affects and the doctor needs you to check into a hospital.  He will understand.

[vicki595]

I second that 133113!!

[Bkitty]

I just wanted to share with you that when I was initially put on cymbalta and the seroquel I had major suicidal thoughts,,I dont know what happened but for a few days I was obssessed with those thoughts and actually scared myself,,I would try and rationalize them in my head but it was like I had this voice telling me to do it. I feel it was related to the meds and my doctor also did. I was enrolled in Intensive out patient and was on a tight leash for a few weeks. Is that an option? A outpatient program? Please do not take those thoughts lightly,,,Please go to the hospital and get the help. Can you take FMLA or short term disability? Taking the steps to get well was one of the hardest things Ive ever ever done and now I ask myself " why did I wait so long?",,,,did the detox place recommend any aftercare? Your wife will calm down,,,give her some time. You just need to focus on you and for some reason for addicts that is soo hard to do because its an uncomfortable feeling. Please seek help,,I promise it will make all the difference. ~Bkitty

[vicki595]

Hope you're okay Colin...could you let us know?

[colinsplace66]

I made it through yesterday. today is day nine. Took Seroquel last night and got a little sleep. Woke up with that nauseating empty feeling in my gut again, god I hate that. Went strait to an NA meeting after work again and that really helped. They really care. I have phone numbers of people to call if I feel bad again. At work right now and will push through another day. Very lathargic feeling right now. I agree with Bkitty, I think its the meds. I am thankful for all your support. This is and emotional roller coaster I am on. Withdrawal and trying to learn a new job on top of everything I previously mentioned is a mountain I am carrying. I will try to get to another meeting after work again. I dont think my wife understands that I have to do that. I think she is mad because I am not home with kids after work. I have to take care of me rifgt now or I will not be able to be a husband, father or employee. It hurts my 8 year old daughter the most when I am not there. Her name is Sydney and she idolizes me. Definately a daddy's girl. She and my son Chase who is 6 is a momma's boy for sure are everything to me. I love them so much! I want to be a good dad for them so bad! I am doing this for me first and then them. Day 9...............

[lulu747]

Hey Colin
Congratulations on day 9 and forging ahead.  I think it's hard for anyone to understand what you're going through unless they've been there.  I'm sure your wife will see how far you've come and will be so thankful....You are doing all the right things for your recovery.  I just wanted to say I admire your strength and determination.  You have a lot on your plate.  Just know you are doing the best thing you could ever do for your wife and children and most of all- for yourself.  Proud of you.....Lu

[vicki595]

YUP!  The meetings really do help, the fellowship and friendship...it's exactly what you need right now and it's going to save your life so keep going!

You're already a good Dad. You're going to be a great Dad now...not much better than that!!

Stay close...

[IBKleen]

Everything you are doing is spot on. I am so happy to hear you are taking care of yourself. Please hang in there and the worst will be over soon.

Be good to yourself and let us know how you are.

[133113]

Collin,

So glad to hear you made it through the night.  This is not an easy thing you are doing, in fact it is probably the hardest thing you have ever done.  Be proud of yourself!!!!!  

Take sometime today and take a moment for yourself and really think about what a great person you are for doing this.  This is will eventually all pass and you will become the father, employee and man you so dearly miss.

Good luck

[colinsplace66]

Why do I still feel like crap! soooo lathargic, The littlest things require so much effort. headache and nausia is constant. Should'nt I be feeling better yet? when will it end...........

[ricart70]

HI Colin you are doing great staying clean and no I didn't even start to feel better until about 21 days.Just hang in there and you will return to normal.Going through this is the fastest and in my opinion,the best way out.  Keep up the great work.

[lulu747]

I hear you and understand but unfortunately you just have to be patient...It gets a little bit better everyday....You are doing all the right things.  Patience is really tough but it's key...It's a process...Just think about how far you've come and give yourself credit for that.  Be kind and compassionate with yourself...Stay the course-it WILL keep getting better...Hang in there....Lu

[IBKleen]

Everyone is different hun so I can't say how long it will take but I can promise you that it does get better. You will learn to hate the word "time" but that is what it is going to take. Like the others have mentioned, be patient. We didn't get sick overnight so we can't expect to get well overnight.

If you can, try and exercise. It is amazing how much it will help with not only the physical withdrawal but the mental as well. It will also help with the rls, if you still have that, and the sleeplessness.

Keep your focus on the goal and the time will pass by quicker. Hang in there!

[kyle505]

I'm on day four of a ct detox; using Norco 10s - abusing Norco 10s - for over a year, and have been abusing pain meds for over 10 years. Yes, this is hell. Things are a little bit better today, but hell is hell. I've posted this quote several times, from someone else on this site; it has helped me..."count the seconds, count the minutes, whatever it takes to get you through". For some reason that is something I've held on to. Congrats on being clean. Hand in there.

[jennybreeze]

Hey Collin,

Just wanted to let you know that everyone here supports you and KNOWS you can do this. I too am wondering about all the other medicine and what impact they could be having on you physically and emotionally. Your poor little body is having to adjust to soooo much at once!! Good gracious. I can't believe you're doing as much as you are doing. :)

I truly am in the camp that believes the worst is behind you. Just hang in there. People have endured and overcome extreme poverty and cancer concentration camps and car crashes and all kinds of horrible things that push you beyond anything we think possible. And they lived and things got better. It's hard to believe, but this time will seem so tiny to you compared to the happiness waiting on the other side.

[Bkitty]

Hi Collin Im glad you are doing a little better,,hang in there. Also,,Keep it Simple. I know you feel you have lost everything but you have lost material things,,the most important thing is that you have not lost yourself. You are fighting to get that back. We ALL make mistakes addicts or not. Its a part of life,,Have you ever gone thru a spell in your life that you didnt think you'd be able to get thru? And you did,,and years later you look back and think,,,I made it. It doesnt matter how you get thru as long as you get thru it,,right? I wake up as well with that nausea,,empty tummy feeling. I think its from the seroquel. I take it 12hours before I have to wake up so usually about 6pm. If these meds are not helping you please contact the doctor and let them know,,you should never go cold turkey off them you'll send your brain in a downward spiral. I learned in aftercare that with psych meds its all "trial and error" until you find the right combo that works for you. I am currently on Lamictal,Cymbalta and Seroquel and after swinging back and forth mood wise I finally found the combo that works good for me. It did take a few weeks though for the levels to get therapuetic,,in the beginning I too had those terrible thoughts but then,,poof,,one day I woke up. Im so happy that you are going to NA meetings. I can tell you that if I didnt go thru aftercare and NA I would not have made it this far. I always thought I could do this alone,,,well that didnt work out obviously. I also told my husband this in the beginning too and it may sound harsh but I told him " I love you,,but right now I love myself more". I took care of me. I spent many nights on the bathroom floor balling my eyes out and our marriage even took a turn for the worse and I felt I lost everything,,I wasnt gonna make it. I wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up. Well,,I fell asleep for an hour and a half. I woke up and I was OK even though I thought I wasnt. For me it did get worse before it got better. My point is,,you are OK.  Its gonna be OK. You will get thru it,,,I promise. Life is ahead of you,,,a good healthy sober life is awaiting you. You deserve it and its all yours to have. You will get the "old" new you back. You have to be patient,,you have to crawl before you walk,,you have to re-trian the brain to start producing those chemicals on their own again and as each day passes you will see slight improvements and then you will look back and see that those little things you noticed were actually huge steps that you took. You have to surrender. I surrendered on the bathroom floor one night yelling and screaming at God and no one,,anyone out there and only until I did that and got raw with myself did I start healing. This feeling you are having the lethargy the lack of motivation will end,,I know you feel like you have 20lb bricks on your arms and legs right now. I know that feeling and it ***** a$$. I get it. Be patient and kind to yourself. This too shall pass and remember one day at a time,,for me sometimes it was one hour at a time. Your life is waiting for you to catch up and you are doing a great job,,you'll get there in due time. When you do catch up,,,hold on to it sooo tight. Congrats on making it thru another day. Tomm you'll be posting that you made it thru another one and so on....Bkitty

[colinsplace66]

Bkitty, thank you so much. I'm sitting hear crying reading all of these remarks. This is day 10. I'm off for the weekend. Have to be at work 11-8pm Monday. My day started at 7am with that empty tummy naseating feeling again. yuk! My wife left for work this morning and I have to take care of my kids. I gotta feed them and watch over them and I can't hardly walk 20' without a break. I'm 6'2" and 210lbs of dead weight right now. I should clean the house while my wife is at work but I can't do anything. Just getting up from a sitting position is soooo tough. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anybody. I have to push myself to go to meetings. I went to another last night. Where is my energy? Where did my Drive go? Where the **** did enthusiasm go? ******* god danm blue pills have ruined me.

[ccb72]

Hey man....hang in there!...I'm new to these boards, but they have helped me get through this.  Anyway, I started a ct norco detox as of last Tuesday  (got up to10-12  10mg pills a day for the last 3 months), so this is day 5 and I still feel like dogsnot with all the flu-like symptoms one can imagine, but the anxiety/depression I had has liffted, but I know exactly what the malaise is you are describing, it takes all my effort just to brush my teeth...I have called in sick all week at work and my wife thinks I have the flu, she has no idea that I've become an addict to these little devils, not sure if I'm even going to tell her, but maybe I will in future when I feel more stable and can deal with her reaction (here ex was an opiate junky, and she would probably lose it if she knew I slipped into this...).  The only thing I have been taking is ibuprofen for the headaches and ambien to sleep, but sleep has been damn near impossible up to this point...what's worse is that I have two slipped discs in my back and don't have any other good ways to deal with the pain besides powerful meds, and now my back pain is coming back with a vengeance on top of my withdrawals...I need surgery, but don't have insurance yet, although it does kick in in March, so hopefully I can get it taken care of.  My scripts ran out for the meds, I'm sure the doc would give me more, but after this detox hell, I'd rather deal with my back pain than go through this EVER again...I am actually glad that I went ct so that I can just get it over with, thought about refilling and "tapering off" but no, I want OUT.

Anyways, just reading your posts, and I feel for you...please hang in there and hopefully you WILL get off everything and get your life back...I know I can't wait to feel normal again, on many fronts...good luck and Godspeed!

[lulu747]

Hey Colin-

Hang in there...You're doing great!  Day 10 woohooo!  Just so you know I had zero energy until around day 12 but forcing myself to exercise really helped.  It will get better everyday.  Try to focus on how far you've come taking your life BACK from those stupid blue pills and be proud of yourself...I'm proud of you too..(:  Try to eat small amounts of good food and don't worry about cleaning the house...I will vacuum...sit and rest...unload dishwasher...have a bath...Fold laundry....sit and call a friend....sweep kitchen floor..come on here and post....

See where I'm going with this?  Focus on one small step at a time and be in the moment....You may find yourself even enjoying it...You're doing all the right things so be patient...I promise it gets better every day....Lu

[ricart70]

Hey Colin,hang in there.It's good that you have a couple days off .You will be feeling alot better soon.The lack of energy is just temporary.Just remember that.Like lu said exercise.You are doing really great.I am just so glad you didn't get caught in that suboxone trap.

[colinsplace66]

Thanks everyone! Day 11, ccb72, You better tell your wife. I made that mistake. My wife found out and the fact that I kept it from her made it worst than if I would have just told her I was dealing with this. I'm serious bro tell her. Chances are she is going to find out anyway and then she will be way madder because you kept it from her.

Went to another meeting yesterday afternoon. Im already looking for another this morning. Yesterday I had a pretty bad panic attack after my meeting and it was the first day I had cravings. I got throgh it though. If not for the Serequel I know I would not be getting any sleep. Man I just need my enegy back,,,,,

[vicki595]

Colin-  You need to go after that energy and it IS hard but you have to!! You have to tell yourself you CAN and then do something.  As lulu said: small things and frequent breaks. You really CAN do that and you'll see if you start. It's good for your brain to be active, as well. It will decrease your anxiety...

Stay in touch!

[lulu747]

Morning Colin...
Day 11!  It's so good.  Listen-i've been really struggling with sleep deprivation and find if I get out of the house and do a solid hour of cardio exercise I am able to function work-wise and socially.  My energy levels are low but I pace myself and am patient and kind to myself...You need to be.  It's tough I know-but your energy will come back every day if you go after it.....

Hang in there you are doing awesome...
Lu

[colinsplace66]

Day 12. Woke up feeling allot better today. My energy and drive are starting to come back thank god! No nausia today. Seroquel has enabled me to sleep every night. I would be in rough shape without it. Went to another NA meeting last night. At work right now and ok towith it today. remember everyone 1 is too many and a 1000 is never enough. how true this is. I am still having cravings but taking the good with the bad and am taking one day, or 1 hour at a time and living life on lifes terms. I am going to make it. I know it. Take care everyone and stay clean. For the addict still suffering, 1 minute, 1 hour or 1 day at a time. You can do it! This too shall pass, I am proof of that.

[lulu747]

Hey Colin
Awesome news that you are doing better...I knew you could do this..You are so right-one moment at a time (it's all we've got after all)  Congratulations on 12 days...Keep up the fantastic work....Lu

[Bkitty]

Glad to see this post!! Ill look for ya tomm,,,Glad you feel better.So happy  for you- you are gonna do this!! ~Bkitty

[colinsplace66]

Day13, woke up feeling better but spent the night in a hotel room. My wife is completly unsupportive. She is so stuck on me lying to her that she can't see what I have done to better myself. She is still soooo mad at me. I have to let her go. I cannot handle of the previously mentioned stuff along with her anger. I think it's rediculous. I would never do this to her. It wouldn't matter what she did, unconditional love and support. She is much different than I. I have no idea where I'm going to stay other than a hotel room. My kids (especially my daughter of 8 years) is not going to take this well. She is very much so a daddy's girl and is going to be crushed not having me around. My wife wants me to get couseling. I am already doing that and NA meetings. I told her that I think she is the one who needs couseling. She obviously has issues she can't get past. I am already past them and am working on my future. As long as she stays in the past she will not be able to move forward. She is incredibly stubborn. I don't know what to do..........

[IBKleen]

I am sorry to hear about your wife. She sounds very angry and I hope that she gets help and learns how to deal with her feelings if for nothing else but the sake of the children.

For now maybe it is best to put a little space between the two of you. No need to make any major life decisions right now. Try and take it day by day.

Things will work out in some way as long as you stay clean, focused and continue to work on yourself. Please hang in there.

[vicki595]

I agree with IBK. Don't make any permanent changes right now; maybe down the road but right now just let things "settle".  I know what you must be feeling and she really does need some recovery care herself.

It's your home, too!  The kids want you there. See if you can come to some kind of place in your head where you two can coexist. She is not going to be happy no matter what you do!  Believe me!  Don't let her go after you for "abandonment". I don't know the woman so I'm thinking worst case scenario here...

Stay close here,okay?

[colinsplace66]

Day 13, I think I am finally through it. I am sleeping well, eating and experiencing no more anxiety. I have not had that empty naseating feeling now for a few days. Still staying in a hotel. My daughter called me night and asked me when I was going to be home. I told her I don't know. I could tell she was upset. My wife and I are going to start marridge counseling. I hope it works.

[lulu747]

Morning Colin
Awesome job on 13 days and it sounds like you are handling both sobriety and the issues that are arising admirably.  Don't forget to be patient and kind with yourself and always put your recovery first....And remember how far you've come and be proud of yourself.  Keep us posted....Lu

[beenthereandback312]

There is something fishy with this thread...

[colinsplace66]

I am back at home since Friday. Things are still rocky with me and my wife. We are going to couseling though and I am hopeful. I love her very much and hope she sticks with me. I am still trying to find my energy. I went to the gym yesterday and rode the bike for 25 mins. I swear I thought I was going to die. I just have to keep it up. Try to fight through it......

[theaddict]

thanks for updating all of us. i read this post a couple of weeks ago and had wondered where you'd been!!

[colinsplace66]

i am trying sooo hard not to completly lose it. The guilt and the greif I am swimming in is too much to bear. My wife can't get past the lies and the betrayal I have caused. She cant seem to move forward and seems stuck. I have never dealt with soooo much punishment all at once ever in my life. Those little blue pills are ending me. They have taken more from me than I could have ever imagined. Losing my relationship with my "angel" wife is promising to be more than I can bear. Unfortunately its only 1 of the overwhelming problems I am now dealing with. Losing a job I loved and was extremly good at and well paid is overbearing. I am reminded how bad I ****** up everyday I walk into my new crappy low paying job. Driving to work in used POS car because mine was repoed and this is all I could get. Facing call after call from collectors everyday. realizing that the credit I worked so hard to create is shot to hell. Everytime I look at my wife I am reminded how I listened to my sick brain and lied to her to continue taking these ******* blue pills. It all too much to bear..... I want to end this suffering.... I have thrown my life away...... Theres nothing any of you can say that will change how I feel. I blew it. I had a good life and I threw it away. I will never forgive myself for what I did. I hope im killed in a car wreck on the way home from work. save me the trouble..........

[ImDONENoMore]

You need to seek professional help NOW.  Actually you and your wife need help.  It's time, collin.  It's TIME.

[quitinoxys]

Collin ImDONE is right you need to get professional help now if you are talking about hurting yourself. I just read your thread and I know how you are feeling. I too let those little blue devils take over my life. It is a long hard struggle to get your life back but it's worth it. I see you also have an angry wife to deal with well you need to take care of yourself first, then you can go back and try to heal your relationship. You are not doing yourself any good by trying to fight the war on two battle fronts. Get help for yourself and I will be praying for you. God Bless---Rick

[vicki595]

I know you're upset Collin but Jesus!  A car wreck?  What about other INNOCENT people who may get hurt?  

Just don't think that way!

I feel sorry and sad that you got pushed to this end. It's a good lesson for everyone I guess...

[colinsplace66]

i was way happier taking pills My life is way worst than before I stopped taking them. Im going home to sleep on the floor in somewhere in my house. It might as well be a grave. I have learned a whole new meaning to pain:
Pain IS isolating yourself from others because you feel inside they are better off not being around you.
Pain IS:
Wish you would get hit by a truck on the way home because inside you know that the life insurance benefit would help your family better than you being around in the long run.
Pain IS: Struggling to find one good reason to get up in the morning.
Pain IS: Eating, knowing it only means you have to live longer.
Pain IS: doing bad things to yourself because you know the world would be a better place without you.
Pain IS: Leaving your wife and kids, staying in a hotel room alone, thinking of how bad you messed up your life with no hope of recovery
Pain IS: Only having an online forum to turn to for support. no friends, no family, nothing.........
Pain IS: Reliving your your mistakes over and over...............
Pain IS: Oxycodone! I qiut using Cocaine when I was younger. It was cake compaired to this!!!!!!!!
I am overwhelmed! It's more than I can bear!

[ImDONENoMore]

Seriously collins some time has passed here - are you seeing a therapist?  Talking out all of this with a medical professional?  YOU have to pull yourself out of this - your life was not better when you were taking pills because it brought you where you are right now.

So now is the time for change.  Serious change.  PLEASE get the professional help you need.  I don't know what more to say.

[ImDONENoMore]

PLEASE colins call 911 NOW I've contacted medhelp asking them to intervene here.  Life can be great again PLEASE don't give up.  Your family and loved ones will never get over this kind of loss.  PLEASE.  What can we say to help??????  Don't leave the forum - keep posting, we're here.  Someone is ALWAYS here.

[ImDONENoMore]

colins - are you still here?  WHERE ARE YOU?  Please stay connected to the forum..

[ImDONENoMore]

You're really scaring me colins - where ARE you???  PLEASE come back and talk to us.

[ImDONENoMore]

colins please DON'T do this - I've left several messages with the leaders of this forum so please HANG on - nothing and I mean NOTHING is worth ending your life over.  Please don't do this

[ImDONENoMore]

collins I hope you are okay.  I will continue to send messages to the leaders here in the hopes they can reach you tonight

[theaddict]

please stay here with us. please just talk it out. even if you need another voice on the other end of the line. please talk with us here.

[bama88]

Collin please check in. We are worried. You need to keep talking please talk to us Collin. We need to hear from you asap. Let us know your ok

[theaddict]

right now, you're just going through anxiety and fear of things that we all went through. everyone deals with it differently. i dealt with it the same way you are right now. life is worth living. your wife and everyone in your life is worth you sticking it out, you know?

think of it this way:  how are you going to prove to your wife and yourself that things have changed if you're no longer around to show them the changes in which you've made.

i'm not getting offline until i hear from you, so please talk with us here. we are all here for you.

[Bkitty]

Hey sweetie,, Where are you?? I know how you feel-EXACTLY. Collin this is the depression part of withdrawal talking here,,,you understand that right? This can be fixed,,,I promise. Please Please chose to get some help immediately,,,drive yourself to the ER or call 911. I  did that,,,and now looking back I ask myself why did I wait so long to do that? Its a scary scary step to get help,,I get that. Your wife is upset,,,OK we know that. Lets not worry about her right now,,,I know that is hard,,but you need to focus soley on YOU. You are at the bottom and now its time to start climbing back up. Small steps right now. As you have unfortunately come to find out stopping the pills was the easy part,,,now you have to battle the mental aspect and ignoring it will begin to take a toll-as it already has. We are all here to support you,,,We will lift you up. We are your friends,,but you have got to do your part. Dont reflect on the past,,that will only make this sooo much worse,,its time to forgive yourself Collin. We all have made mistakes as addicts,,,whats done is done,,we cant change the past but can change what is ahead of us. I know your heart aches and is broken. Im sooo sooo sorry you feel this way right now. Im broken hearted for you right now and as I type know that some girl in the midwest is praying for you right now right this minute and I will all night long. Please talk to us. Im here for you.~Bkitty

[theaddict]

colin, how are you?

[vicki595]

Wondering what happened here...

[lulu747]

Me too...
Colin please post and let us know you are okay...We are all here to support you no matter what.

[theaddict]

here's to hoping all is okay with you.

on another note, i would like to ask why this thread hasn't been removed yet. i posted on this forum about us sharing our addiction stories, so that others knew what all we'd been through...the new members. this way they didn't feel alone. and shortly after, i received an email saying that members here were uncomfortable with the post because it caused triggers for them. fair enough.

this post is directed toward suicide and ending one's life because they don't wish to get off of pills and saying that getting off the pills has ended their life. and while i adore colinspace and pray that he comes back to the forums, i'm wondering why this post/thread isn't being treated the same. if i were a new member and read this thread, i would leave the forum. not because of what one specific person has said or done, but because it would scare me away for good and make me stay on the pills.

but sharing our stories is much worse?

[Emily_MHModerator]

Hi there -

We are leaving this up so that colinsplace66 can get the support he so desperately needs, and so he can know that others have felt what he's feeling, and pulled through it.  He's not alone.

While some may decide that staying on pills is a better option than trying to quit, we think it's important to know that you can stop using, and while it may not be easy, there is support here for the taking, and staying on pills doesn't end up anywhere good, as many members here post about daily.

If you have a question about your specific post that was removed, please send me a PM and I'll be happy to address it with you there.

Emily

[dominosarah]

This is the reality of addiction and for a newcomer it may just be what they need to open their eyes to what may lie ahead.  I have said a million times there is nothing glamorous about this addiction.  A newcomer will also see the outpouring of support and the geniune caring and concern for collinsplace.

As for the stories, we call them war stories here.  There are times when the methods of using are posted and that does trigger people.  Some go into great depths and visuals dance in our head.   It's okay to talk about the days gone by and the desperation we felt while using, just not how we were using.  I hope this helps~~sara

[ricart70]

Hope you are ok colin.I know there is nothing we can say that will make you feel all better but just know that we are here.Let us know how you are

[theaddict]

it does help. i guess i needed someone to tell me firsthand so that i would be able to see their point of view as well. i totally understand where you're coming from.

[colinsplace66]

Another day in hell I have woken up to. I was met at my house with police when I got home. Now my wife is even more upset with me. I'm at work and really shouldnt be here. I am constantly crying. I am a bad father, husband and employee. I honestly do not see how I am any good to anyone right now. I have completly hit bottom. I do not want to go on. I have been isolating myself from everyone. I wish I didn't wake up this morning.

[texaslady68]

Colin, I have not commented on this thread, because it is sad and I keep hoping and praying that you will get the help you need.  Your last sentence says it all!  "you wish you didnt wake up this morning"..... BUT YOU DID!

There is a reason for you being here.  There are angels on earth I believe. You might be one of them but the first step is going to be believing in yourself.  I myself, have almost lost everything, and have to a certain extent, but we must keep going.  You have to look at the positive, your beautiful children, and wife.  Ending things is never the answer because it is permanant.  You are at a place right now that you can climb out of. Please, you just have to use every ounce of INNER strength you can muster and do it.  We believe in you now believe in yourself.

[lulu747]

Colin....
Please hold onto whatever faith that you have...You have people that love you and care about your well-being.  Please seek medical help.  You are overwhelmed and need support...You are human and make mistakes-everyone does.  You can do this, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are here for a reason and you need to hold on...
Please seek medical help.  No one does this alone.  The people on this forum genuinely care for you and are only trying to support you and see you get the help that you need.
I know the desperate place, the lost and alone and completely overwhelmed place...You are not alone....  There is a light at the end of the tunnel....Your life is worth it Colin....You are worth it...Please keep posting...
Sending support and prayers..
Lu

[all_alone1]

I too havent commented until now.....and a agree with texas...there is a reason for you to be here...i have had the thoughts you are having at this moment but the thought of hurting my children is what kept me going....your children need you and so does your wife even if things are not right with you two at the moment....you are loved more than you know please remember that....

talk to us here more people than you know are going through what you are feeling...we can help eachother...comfort oneanother....talk...and listen..

we do care about you and what you are going through.

[10356]

Hi Colinsplace.. I have not commented either on this thread but the depth of your pain compels me to do so.. Please listen to what these good folks are saying. You woke this morning Thank the Good Spirits.. I have never told this to anyone before. when my kids were young I was in a very dark place I was drinking whiskey taking anything I could get my hands on My hubby was having a affair I had never received treatment for my childhood I was one screwed up girl. I had put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger the safety was off but it never fired. I did not have the courage to do that again. I believe I was saved for a reason. It was not my time to check out. I never did get the help I needed and continued to drink and use had a bad accident that was My fault I was drunk and crushed my foot.. this lead me on another dark journey This time I did not have a gun to try to kill myself I had drugs. I almost did with a OD. I finally ran out of the strength to continue.. I gave, I surrendered.. It did not happen over night but it started when I started therapy. It was there I learned although slowly that I'm Worth saving.. Just as you are. My life is so different now. I'm so different. Of all the things you and your family have lost. The most Valuable is you.. You are not replaceable.. I looked at your pic of you outdoors You looked Happy.. Material things can be replaced ya know You can not. I will send a Prayer that you seek some help with this and that you do what needs to be done to get you back.. sending you a very warm hug.. lesa

[theaddict]

glad you at least commented back to all of us who've been worried sick all night and morning and afternoon. glad you're here again with us.

what's up with the police? you poor thing.

everything is going to et better with time, this i promise you. right now, it may feel as though you're at the end of your rope amongst other mixed emotions. but just look at the number of comments from last night to this very moment from people who love and care for you, wanting to help.

[ImDONENoMore]

collins I can not tell you the relief I initially felt when I saw that you came back and posted again.  And I can not tell you the sadness I felt immediately thereafter after reading your words.

Please colins what are you waiting for?  Find a professional therapist to talk to now.  Today.  Pick up the phone right now and find someone and make that appt.  All of this can change with that one simple step.  Do it.  Please?

[colinsplace66]

I went to the doctor last week and explained the issues I was having. She had my blood checked out. The results explained everything. The normal Testostrone of a man my age 45 is supposed to be 1150 on average. Mine was 50. I had no male hormone in me. This causes depression, loss of energy, motivation, drive, everything I was going through. Opiates and my age are the reason it was so low. I was given a Testostrone shot and will be giving them to myself from now on. I think anyone who has gone through this hell should get their hormones checked out as it has made a tremendous difference in my life. I feel like I have waken up. I'm back to normal. I can deal with my problems now. I have my drive back. I am so glad I got this checked out.

[ricart70]

great to hear that you are doing better colin.I hope you continue to keep that monitored .It may go back up as you get some more clean time.Glad you are doing better!!

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh my goodness unbelievable!!  What a relief this must be for you collins.  Another example of why it's so important to get checked out by the Dr.

It can only get better from here.  Good luck to you collins.  I hope your life becomes a happy one.  :)

[Bkitty]

Yeahhhhhh!!! Im so happy that you feel better,,,I have been worrying about you. :)) Im so glad that you got that fixed. I had them check my hormones too and I had to go on the pill for that reason and because of my antidepressants. Mine were all out of whack as well. Keep us posted!! Hugs~Bkitty

[texaslady68]

Great news Colin.  I am so relieved you are feeling better.

When I was taking the pills, I became severly anemic.  I still am, but not to the extent I was. (This can cause all kinds of problems)  It was so low, my doctor was trying to get me to have a blood transfusion.  

Funny, how we always talk about the mental part of our addiction such as depression, feelings, etc....We do not talk very often about all of the physcial/health problemns the pills can cause.

[lulu747]

Colin I am so glad you posted and happy you are feeling better!

Hormone imbalance is a very common side effect of opiate use/abuse...And hormones are one of the strongest governing forces in our bodies/brains.  It takes some work and a holistic approach to our health to find balance post-opiates...I hope your journey in recovery continues with more ease each day...
Lu

[colinsplace66]

Does anyone know if Tremadol is an opiate? If I took it will I have to withdrwal again?

[phiaNorcoqueen]

it's not an narcotic yet.. But with that said it does work on the same place of the brain just like the opiates do..  and i took them for a while before and low and behold when i stopped them i had horrible withdrawals .. This supposed safe non addictive drug.. But i don't if others have had problems but i know i did..  But hey do your research on the drug first ok!!  hey i'm glad you are feeling better..  and keep on keepin' on..

Sophia

[ricart70]

phia you had withdrawals because this is an opiate the same as any others.One thing that I really wish I knew is why does everyone think tram is not anopiate.  I guess that's what the doc tells everyone but he is wrong.
Why even risk it colin

[ImDONENoMore]

ricart's right collins - WHY risk this?  Tramadol is an opiate - maybe not your standard opiate, but it's super addicting and unbelievably hard to come off of.  I thought you were feeling better?  You don't need a narcotic or another similar drug - too easy to get cross-addicted.

Don't collins - NOT worth it.  Hang in there cause with more time it will get better.  You'll see.  :)

[smilempty1]

hi, colin

i am new to this site and just was looking at others post knowing we are not alone in this mind and body torture. even if there isnt a whole lot of people in your physical world able to show much support knowing you can come to a place like this and get so much support and comfort is worth it all, from what others have shared we can share to, more that are sure to follow with same issues we need to be strong for ourselfs and them by sharing, i cant believe i have let this happen to me again but here i am, but anyway i went back through old posts you gave me quite a scare please be easy on yourself and know that even though we might never meet your life has made a impact on me and i care to know that you will be ok, just that i have hope right now that we will all be ok, maybe not great or even that good but still ok. keep posting i know i will. stay strong you have, you can, so far so good.