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I am stuck in hell
I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.
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Day 13, I think I am finally through it. I am sleeping well, eating and experiencing no more anxiety. I have not had that empty naseating feeling now for a few days. Still staying in a hotel. My daughter called me night and asked me when I was going to be home. I told her I don't know. I could tell she was upset. My wife and I are going to start marridge counseling. I hope it works.
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1926359 tn?1331591739
Morning Colin
Awesome job on 13 days and it sounds like you are handling both sobriety and the issues that are arising admirably.  Don't forget to be patient and kind with yourself and always put your recovery first....And remember how far you've come and be proud of yourself.  Keep us posted....Lu
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There is something fishy with this thread...
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I am back at home since Friday. Things are still rocky with me and my wife. We are going to couseling though and I am hopeful. I love her very much and hope she sticks with me. I am still trying to find my energy. I went to the gym yesterday and rode the bike for 25 mins. I swear I thought I was going to die. I just have to keep it up. Try to fight through it......
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1979360 tn?1328147465
thanks for updating all of us. i read this post a couple of weeks ago and had wondered where you'd been!!
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i am trying sooo hard not to completly lose it. The guilt and the greif I am swimming in is too much to bear. My wife can't get past the lies and the betrayal I have caused. She cant seem to move forward and seems stuck. I have never dealt with soooo much punishment all at once ever in my life. Those little blue pills are ending me. They have taken more from me than I could have ever imagined. Losing my relationship with my "angel" wife is promising to be more than I can bear. Unfortunately its only 1 of the overwhelming problems I am now dealing with. Losing a job I loved and was extremly good at and well paid is overbearing. I am reminded how bad I ****** up everyday I walk into my new crappy low paying job. Driving to work in used POS car because mine was repoed and this is all I could get. Facing call after call from collectors everyday. realizing that the credit I worked so hard to create is shot to hell. Everytime I look at my wife I am reminded how I listened to my sick brain and lied to her to continue taking these ******* blue pills. It all too much to bear..... I want to end this suffering.... I have thrown my life away...... Theres nothing any of you can say that will change how I feel. I blew it. I had a good life and I threw it away. I will never forgive myself for what I did. I hope im killed in a car wreck on the way home from work. save me the trouble..........
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1416133 tn?1351126817
You need to seek professional help NOW.  Actually you and your wife need help.  It's time, collin.  It's TIME.
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1331115 tn?1401672466
Collin ImDONE is right you need to get professional help now if you are talking about hurting yourself. I just read your thread and I know how you are feeling. I too let those little blue devils take over my life. It is a long hard struggle to get your life back but it's worth it. I see you also have an angry wife to deal with well you need to take care of yourself first, then you can go back and try to heal your relationship. You are not doing yourself any good by trying to fight the war on two battle fronts. Get help for yourself and I will be praying for you. God Bless---Rick
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I know you're upset Collin but Jesus!  A car wreck?  What about other INNOCENT people who may get hurt?  

Just don't think that way!

I feel sorry and sad that you got pushed to this end. It's a good lesson for everyone I guess...
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i was way happier taking pills My life is way worst than before I stopped taking them. Im going home to sleep on the floor in somewhere in my house. It might as well be a grave. I have learned a whole new meaning to pain:
Pain IS isolating yourself from others because you feel inside they are better off not being around you.
Pain IS:
Wish you would get hit by a truck on the way home because inside you know that the life insurance benefit would help your family better than you being around in the long run.
Pain IS: Struggling to find one good reason to get up in the morning.
Pain IS: Eating, knowing it only means you have to live longer.
Pain IS: doing bad things to yourself because you know the world would be a better place without you.
Pain IS: Leaving your wife and kids, staying in a hotel room alone, thinking of how bad you messed up your life with no hope of recovery
Pain IS: Only having an online forum to turn to for support. no friends, no family, nothing.........
Pain IS: Reliving your your mistakes over and over...............
Pain IS: Oxycodone! I qiut using Cocaine when I was younger. It was cake compaired to this!!!!!!!!
I am overwhelmed! It's more than I can bear!
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Seriously collins some time has passed here - are you seeing a therapist?  Talking out all of this with a medical professional?  YOU have to pull yourself out of this - your life was not better when you were taking pills because it brought you where you are right now.

So now is the time for change.  Serious change.  PLEASE get the professional help you need.  I don't know what more to say.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
PLEASE colins call 911 NOW I've contacted medhelp asking them to intervene here.  Life can be great again PLEASE don't give up.  Your family and loved ones will never get over this kind of loss.  PLEASE.  What can we say to help??????  Don't leave the forum - keep posting, we're here.  Someone is ALWAYS here.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
colins - are you still here?  WHERE ARE YOU?  Please stay connected to the forum..
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1416133 tn?1351126817
You're really scaring me colins - where ARE you???  PLEASE come back and talk to us.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
colins please DON'T do this - I've left several messages with the leaders of this forum so please HANG on - nothing and I mean NOTHING is worth ending your life over.  Please don't do this
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1416133 tn?1351126817
collins I hope you are okay.  I will continue to send messages to the leaders here in the hopes they can reach you tonight
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1979360 tn?1328147465
please stay here with us. please just talk it out. even if you need another voice on the other end of the line. please talk with us here.
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Collin please check in. We are worried. You need to keep talking please talk to us Collin. We need to hear from you asap. Let us know your ok
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1979360 tn?1328147465
right now, you're just going through anxiety and fear of things that we all went through. everyone deals with it differently. i dealt with it the same way you are right now. life is worth living. your wife and everyone in your life is worth you sticking it out, you know?

think of it this way:  how are you going to prove to your wife and yourself that things have changed if you're no longer around to show them the changes in which you've made.

i'm not getting offline until i hear from you, so please talk with us here. we are all here for you.
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Hey sweetie,, Where are you?? I know how you feel-EXACTLY. Collin this is the depression part of withdrawal talking here,,,you understand that right? This can be fixed,,,I promise. Please Please chose to get some help immediately,,,drive yourself to the ER or call 911. I  did that,,,and now looking back I ask myself why did I wait so long to do that? Its a scary scary step to get help,,I get that. Your wife is upset,,,OK we know that. Lets not worry about her right now,,,I know that is hard,,but you need to focus soley on YOU. You are at the bottom and now its time to start climbing back up. Small steps right now. As you have unfortunately come to find out stopping the pills was the easy part,,,now you have to battle the mental aspect and ignoring it will begin to take a toll-as it already has. We are all here to support you,,,We will lift you up. We are your friends,,but you have got to do your part. Dont reflect on the past,,that will only make this sooo much worse,,its time to forgive yourself Collin. We all have made mistakes as addicts,,,whats done is done,,we cant change the past but can change what is ahead of us. I know your heart aches and is broken. Im sooo sooo sorry you feel this way right now. Im broken hearted for you right now and as I type know that some girl in the midwest is praying for you right now right this minute and I will all night long. Please talk to us. Im here for you.~Bkitty
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1979360 tn?1328147465
colin, how are you?
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Wondering what happened here...
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1926359 tn?1331591739
Me too...
Colin please post and let us know you are okay...We are all here to support you no matter what.
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1979360 tn?1328147465
here's to hoping all is okay with you.

on another note, i would like to ask why this thread hasn't been removed yet. i posted on this forum about us sharing our addiction stories, so that others knew what all we'd been through...the new members. this way they didn't feel alone. and shortly after, i received an email saying that members here were uncomfortable with the post because it caused triggers for them. fair enough.

this post is directed toward suicide and ending one's life because they don't wish to get off of pills and saying that getting off the pills has ended their life. and while i adore colinspace and pray that he comes back to the forums, i'm wondering why this post/thread isn't being treated the same. if i were a new member and read this thread, i would leave the forum. not because of what one specific person has said or done, but because it would scare me away for good and make me stay on the pills.

but sharing our stories is much worse?
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707563 tn?1455827280
Hi there -

We are leaving this up so that colinsplace66 can get the support he so desperately needs, and so he can know that others have felt what he's feeling, and pulled through it.  He's not alone.

While some may decide that staying on pills is a better option than trying to quit, we think it's important to know that you can stop using, and while it may not be easy, there is support here for the taking, and staying on pills doesn't end up anywhere good, as many members here post about daily.

If you have a question about your specific post that was removed, please send me a PM and I'll be happy to address it with you there.

Emily

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495284 tn?1333897642
This is the reality of addiction and for a newcomer it may just be what they need to open their eyes to what may lie ahead.  I have said a million times there is nothing glamorous about this addiction.  A newcomer will also see the outpouring of support and the geniune caring and concern for collinsplace.

As for the stories, we call them war stories here.  There are times when the methods of using are posted and that does trigger people.  Some go into great depths and visuals dance in our head.   It's okay to talk about the days gone by and the desperation we felt while using, just not how we were using.  I hope this helps~~sara
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1827057 tn?1397523877
Hope you are ok colin.I know there is nothing we can say that will make you feel all better but just know that we are here.Let us know how you are
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1979360 tn?1328147465
it does help. i guess i needed someone to tell me firsthand so that i would be able to see their point of view as well. i totally understand where you're coming from.
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Another day in hell I have woken up to. I was met at my house with police when I got home. Now my wife is even more upset with me. I'm at work and really shouldnt be here. I am constantly crying. I am a bad father, husband and employee. I honestly do not see how I am any good to anyone right now. I have completly hit bottom. I do not want to go on. I have been isolating myself from everyone. I wish I didn't wake up this morning.
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1959859 tn?1331744757
Colin, I have not commented on this thread, because it is sad and I keep hoping and praying that you will get the help you need.  Your last sentence says it all!  "you wish you didnt wake up this morning"..... BUT YOU DID!

There is a reason for you being here.  There are angels on earth I believe. You might be one of them but the first step is going to be believing in yourself.  I myself, have almost lost everything, and have to a certain extent, but we must keep going.  You have to look at the positive, your beautiful children, and wife.  Ending things is never the answer because it is permanant.  You are at a place right now that you can climb out of. Please, you just have to use every ounce of INNER strength you can muster and do it.  We believe in you now believe in yourself.
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1926359 tn?1331591739
Colin....
Please hold onto whatever faith that you have...You have people that love you and care about your well-being.  Please seek medical help.  You are overwhelmed and need support...You are human and make mistakes-everyone does.  You can do this, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are here for a reason and you need to hold on...
Please seek medical help.  No one does this alone.  The people on this forum genuinely care for you and are only trying to support you and see you get the help that you need.
I know the desperate place, the lost and alone and completely overwhelmed place...You are not alone....  There is a light at the end of the tunnel....Your life is worth it Colin....You are worth it...Please keep posting...
Sending support and prayers..
Lu
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I too havent commented until now.....and a agree with texas...there is a reason for you to be here...i have had the thoughts you are having at this moment but the thought of hurting my children is what kept me going....your children need you and so does your wife even if things are not right with you two at the moment....you are loved more than you know please remember that....

talk to us here more people than you know are going through what you are feeling...we can help eachother...comfort oneanother....talk...and listen..

we do care about you and what you are going through.
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406584 tn?1399591666
Hi Colinsplace.. I have not commented either on this thread but the depth of your pain compels me to do so.. Please listen to what these good folks are saying. You woke this morning Thank the Good Spirits.. I have never told this to anyone before. when my kids were young I was in a very dark place I was drinking whiskey taking anything I could get my hands on My hubby was having a affair I had never received treatment for my childhood I was one screwed up girl. I had put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger the safety was off but it never fired. I did not have the courage to do that again. I believe I was saved for a reason. It was not my time to check out. I never did get the help I needed and continued to drink and use had a bad accident that was My fault I was drunk and crushed my foot.. this lead me on another dark journey This time I did not have a gun to try to kill myself I had drugs. I almost did with a OD. I finally ran out of the strength to continue.. I gave, I surrendered.. It did not happen over night but it started when I started therapy. It was there I learned although slowly that I'm Worth saving.. Just as you are. My life is so different now. I'm so different. Of all the things you and your family have lost. The most Valuable is you.. You are not replaceable.. I looked at your pic of you outdoors You looked Happy.. Material things can be replaced ya know You can not. I will send a Prayer that you seek some help with this and that you do what needs to be done to get you back.. sending you a very warm hug.. lesa
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1979360 tn?1328147465
glad you at least commented back to all of us who've been worried sick all night and morning and afternoon. glad you're here again with us.

what's up with the police? you poor thing.

everything is going to et better with time, this i promise you. right now, it may feel as though you're at the end of your rope amongst other mixed emotions. but just look at the number of comments from last night to this very moment from people who love and care for you, wanting to help.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
collins I can not tell you the relief I initially felt when I saw that you came back and posted again.  And I can not tell you the sadness I felt immediately thereafter after reading your words.

Please colins what are you waiting for?  Find a professional therapist to talk to now.  Today.  Pick up the phone right now and find someone and make that appt.  All of this can change with that one simple step.  Do it.  Please?
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I went to the doctor last week and explained the issues I was having. She had my blood checked out. The results explained everything. The normal Testostrone of a man my age 45 is supposed to be 1150 on average. Mine was 50. I had no male hormone in me. This causes depression, loss of energy, motivation, drive, everything I was going through. Opiates and my age are the reason it was so low. I was given a Testostrone shot and will be giving them to myself from now on. I think anyone who has gone through this hell should get their hormones checked out as it has made a tremendous difference in my life. I feel like I have waken up. I'm back to normal. I can deal with my problems now. I have my drive back. I am so glad I got this checked out.
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1827057 tn?1397523877
great to hear that you are doing better colin.I hope you continue to keep that monitored .It may go back up as you get some more clean time.Glad you are doing better!!
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Oh my goodness unbelievable!!  What a relief this must be for you collins.  Another example of why it's so important to get checked out by the Dr.

It can only get better from here.  Good luck to you collins.  I hope your life becomes a happy one.  :)
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Yeahhhhhh!!! Im so happy that you feel better,,,I have been worrying about you. :)) Im so glad that you got that fixed. I had them check my hormones too and I had to go on the pill for that reason and because of my antidepressants. Mine were all out of whack as well. Keep us posted!! Hugs~Bkitty
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1959859 tn?1331744757
Great news Colin.  I am so relieved you are feeling better.

When I was taking the pills, I became severly anemic.  I still am, but not to the extent I was. (This can cause all kinds of problems)  It was so low, my doctor was trying to get me to have a blood transfusion.  

Funny, how we always talk about the mental part of our addiction such as depression, feelings, etc....We do not talk very often about all of the physcial/health problemns the pills can cause.


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1926359 tn?1331591739
Colin I am so glad you posted and happy you are feeling better!

Hormone imbalance is a very common side effect of opiate use/abuse...And hormones are one of the strongest governing forces in our bodies/brains.  It takes some work and a holistic approach to our health to find balance post-opiates...I hope your journey in recovery continues with more ease each day...
Lu
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Does anyone know if Tremadol is an opiate? If I took it will I have to withdrwal again?
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1945289 tn?1336998404
it's not an narcotic yet.. But with that said it does work on the same place of the brain just like the opiates do..  and i took them for a while before and low and behold when i stopped them i had horrible withdrawals .. This supposed safe non addictive drug.. But i don't if others have had problems but i know i did..  But hey do your research on the drug first ok!!  hey i'm glad you are feeling better..  and keep on keepin' on..

Sophia
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1827057 tn?1397523877
phia you had withdrawals because this is an opiate the same as any others.One thing that I really wish I knew is why does everyone think tram is not anopiate.  I guess that's what the doc tells everyone but he is wrong.
Why even risk it colin
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1416133 tn?1351126817
ricart's right collins - WHY risk this?  Tramadol is an opiate - maybe not your standard opiate, but it's super addicting and unbelievably hard to come off of.  I thought you were feeling better?  You don't need a narcotic or another similar drug - too easy to get cross-addicted.

Don't collins - NOT worth it.  Hang in there cause with more time it will get better.  You'll see.  :)
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2017901 tn?1328643284
hi, colin

i am new to this site and just was looking at others post knowing we are not alone in this mind and body torture. even if there isnt a whole lot of people in your physical world able to show much support knowing you can come to a place like this and get so much support and comfort is worth it all, from what others have shared we can share to, more that are sure to follow with same issues we need to be strong for ourselfs and them by sharing, i cant believe i have let this happen to me again but here i am, but anyway i went back through old posts you gave me quite a scare please be easy on yourself and know that even though we might never meet your life has made a impact on me and i care to know that you will be ok, just that i have hope right now that we will all be ok, maybe not great or even that good but still ok. keep posting i know i will. stay strong you have, you can, so far so good.
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I myself have gone thru everything you good people are going thru. 15+ years ago I hurt my back lifting like hulk hogan, the Dr. Would give me 120 7.5 Vicodin every month. Sometimes I would accumulate 2 bottles or even more cause they just didn't do it for me, but meth did. Then 8 years ago I got married and had my 1st of what would be 5 baby girls. For a few years I just drank beer with very minimal relapses. Then the stress at work and home really did me in 4 years ago when the housing market and auto Ind. Took a dive. 2-3 years prior I started taking my 7.5 Vic's and never really felt a loss of self control. I would run out, and never missed a day of work, and we are talking 12-16 hour shifts with 4 days off a month. Then I forced myself to take oxycontin, seriously the first few times I really got sick. But I insisted on moving up. They were being handed to me free of charge at work. Well that employee left, and I was forced to start buying them and convincing my Dr. To up the doses. Now I was hooked but I was still very functional. I made sure I always had at least a half of one no matter what. I pretty much eliminated the meth, but OC's and Vodka were growing larger and larger. Then they changed to OP's, sad??? Not really cause now 15 Milli and 30 Milli Oxycodone were live, and now I loved every part of my life. Then the economy crashed and I couldn't afford em. I lost so much, but still had my job, wife, and family. About 2 and a half years ago I had finally did it 30 days of complete soberness. I had stopped so many times, but found so many tricks to help the withdrawals to still not lose my job. On day 30 I celebrated by doing the things that made me so happy before drugs. I played in a baseball tourn. @ the age of 34 and ended up in the ER in emerg. Surgery with a complete prosthetic elbow. They tried to give me 5 milli---I LAUGHED--- I was able to control it for a few months, but the nerve damage was getting worse. Now I'm up to 30ies again. Pissed off at the world and saying why me? I started to spin out of control 2geez a month on pills with a scrip. Gambling 2geez a month it was time for impatient care. The first 7 days were hell. I missed my family so much and could not even call them. I did not sleep for 6 days in a row, but by day 20 ish I was a NEW man. Day 21 I get a funeral my best worker had just had a heart attack and died at work. I flew in for the funeral and flew straight back, I was finishing my chapter. 3 days left, the boss that told me to NOT worry or think about work just replaced me, and I had to hear about it from a worker who was a friend. The day before my grad. My counselor calls me in and informs me my father is now diagnosed with a rare terminal blood cancer. Now soberness didn't mean anything to me anymore. I went 90 days and found another good job, but could not keep either. 3 months ago I was up to 300+ milli(blues) but not no more. I still have my wife, my kids, my parents, and to me nothing else matters. I'm now just starting to regain control of EVERYTHING. I have tried every trick in the book to quitting. To me it depends on your situation. I have many solutions or ideas for each situation. Feel free to E-mail me at ***@**** if you want any help.
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1827057 tn?1397523877
so are you clean now ?  
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Hi, my name is Hope. I don't know if I am posting in the right place. I have been trying to figure this out for an hour. I am 57yo. Pain Dr. Placed me on Loratabs 10 years ago for back pain. However, if I am being honest, I was getting them for my boss who then convinced me to give them a try. I loved them! Then I told the Dr I was still in pain and they added Methadone to the mix. For 10 years I took 2-10's of Loratab daily and 10mg of Methadone.
I haven't used the rr on my own for 5 years. I can't stand it any more!
I quit the Loratabs 14 days ago with NO difficulty. Then I moved on to the Methadone. I am about 36 hours clean but I am very uptight and my stomach in wwIII. I was wondering if I should take a loratab to get me thru the Methadone withdrawal. I have a feeling tonight will be impossible! Any advice would be great. I also have Tramodol in the cabinet. Would that be a good idea instead of the loratab? Or should I just suck it up???
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3197167 tn?1348972206
Hi, Hope and welcome to the forum~  I'm sure, like me, you found MedHelp thru an internet search.  This thread is an old one and a lot of the forum members aren't around anymore.  To get more help, if you go to this link:
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/show/77

And then hit the green post a question tab, you can copy and paste what you just wrote and a lot more people will see and reply to your questions.

After reading what you wrote above, if it were me, "I" would probably use the short acting Lortab to get you thru a few days...but definitely NOT the Tramadol.  It will make getting off the methadone a bit more bearable, imo.
Hope this makes sense...hope you'll be able to start your own new thread now☼
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