What is wrong with me

[tigerlily75]

What is wrong with me? ive had a problem with pain pills half my life, getting them for my endometriosis, cysts, and fibroids. I have used them as prescribed at first, then started buying them off the streets, having to take tons just to feel " normal".

And getting them off the streets quickly lead to all kinds of opiates, and before I knew it I was crazy addicted to snorting roxy 30s.

During all these years, I have tried getting clean and have even stayed clean for a couple months here and there.

And now I'm trying to quit for good. I started trying November 10. I keep getting close to my 30 day mark, and I end up taking something. Today I took a Percocet 10.

I've been in therapy for quite a while and take 4 different meds for my depression PTSD and anxiety.

I just don't understand why I can't stay clean!!!! What is wrong with me????

[HottRodd]

I am new to med help & I too am an addict....I have read your post & send you a friends request. Please feel free to talk & hopefully we can help each other.

[Bubbleguppie100]

Mommymarieme- and broken- very well said!! Tigerlily, hey Hun I'm just checking in on you. How are you and your kids doing? I am really sorry that your parents are acting so terrible towards you. I can't even imagine... How are they with ur  boys? Thy know that you're an addict and yet, they put u down and bring up pills... Sooo not cool. Please keep checking in. Like I said earlier, you are a very strong woman. You and ur boys are in my prayers. Xoxox

[Pat1956100]

Is there not some type of social assistance that you can receive?  I don't know how it works in the States but here you would get housing and enough money to live on.  

[brokenspiritandsoul]

We have a lot in common!  I got addicted to these stupid pills because my husband (now ex) beat me. I figured out that not only did the pills make my broken wrist, nose, jaw (etc) but they also make my feeling ls not hurt!  I had to get mad at the pills to stop relapsing. Think of them as the enemy or a really abusive boyfriend!  I stopped asking myself "Why me" and started saying "Try me"!  Nothing stops a mad woman so get mad if you have to!  

[mommymarieme]

Oh my goodness honey! My heart breaks for you! That is so freaking mean and just terrible of them! Wow! I am so proud of you for walking away from them trying to push them on you! You are so strong!! I hope they think about what they said to you and it hurts them the way it hurt you when they said that. I wish you didn't have  to be in that situation right now! Oh I am just so proud of you and we are here any time you need to talk or vent! You are doing this honey!!

[tigerlily75]

Thanks everyone, I'm really glad I came here and vented, got awesome support, and took no pills. This is my first day again after they gave me the Percocet yesterday. Yes I live in the twilight zone and I'm not sure what to do. I have some money,, not alot, but I have no job and no kind of childcare help with my 4 year old. Ahhh this is insane!
And yes I got to eat some pizza, and I think I am turning into a ninja turtle! Its so funny you say that because ninga turtles used to be my older childs favorite and has now recently became my youngests favorite lol! I'm actually watching it now while locked in the room lol!
But thank you all for your support, I don't know where I would be or how strong I would be without you all!

[lizardking1450]

hi tigerlily,first of all you need to hit rock bottom,have you? then to admit that your powerless over drugs..we were born with our sickness we did not ask for it..there is a better world out there for you but you have to fight to have it..myself ive had the relapses and the withdraws so many times it make me sick to my stomack..we know how we feel when we are using right,and that feeling is awesome..when I started the 12 step program I felt a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders.there are people like me out there and I thought my story was bad,it dosent compare to what ive heard from other addicts..your still young with a long life ahead of you..i live 1 day at a time,thats all I can do..i pray for god to wake me up everyday and give me the strength to stay clean for this day..like everyone has mention you have to break ties with the people you get drugs from,and you need to tell your doctors that you cannot take narcotics....that's the harest thing I had to do but I did do it last week to my new doctor...im trying real hard not to use and I cannot promise to anyone that I will never use again...but if I count 1 day at a time that helps me...god bless you tigerlily.....

[Bubulous]

I am praying that your situation gets better.  I have been in a dysfunctional household before in my attempts at getting clean and I have too had to lock myself in my room.  You don't deserve this, no one does but I hope you can hold on until it gets better.

[ROSYouralright]

No matter what miss lily!!! I am so so sorry for what you are going through!

[Bubulous]

Are you a teenage mutant ninja turtle?  Should I call you Michelangelo? LOL

[Pat1956100]

Ummmm did you get to eat the pizza?

[brokenspiritandsoul]

You are in the twilight zone!  That is horrible. I understand that you can't just move with no money. You are going to have to be extra strong!  Quit taking the pills just to prove to your mom that you are better than that and break the cycle that is going to be passed down to your kids!  I can see the strength in your posts!  You can do this! Also, I had my hysterectomy 8 years ago. I kept one of my ovaries so I could keep my natural hormones. I was supposed to be off work for 6 weeks and take pain pills every 4 hours. I went back to work 10 days later (because I am a single mom and needed the money) and I never took 1 pain pill after I left the hospital. It really wasn't that bad. If you do need the pain pills then take as prescribed and only what you need. You are a strong woman!  You can do this!  

[ariley13]

I didn't think you did, but didn't want to assume anything. I am so proud of you! I'm not sure many of us could have passed that test. I can't believe they are acting in such a way. It's just awful. Again, I'm so sorry you are in this environment and being treated this way. Stay strong girl!

[tigerlily75]

No I didn't take the pills. I screamed and yelled and so did everyone else. It was crazy and awful. Me and my kids are locked in the bedroom and my parents are locked in theirs. I don't know how long thus will last though. I wish I could just run away safe somewhere with mg kids and no pills and no pressure or problems...

[Bubulous]

That stinks.....
I have heard of enablers but that is just ridiculous.  I am sorry that is the kind of support that you have.

[Bubbleguppie100]

I seriously cannot believe they offered you a f@cking pill so you can keep cleaning. Ugh! You're a very strong individual.

[Bubbleguppie100]

Are you freaking kidding me? Your parents are seriously treating you like this? OMFG!! I am soo sorry. Stay very close to us. Damn, they're lucky to have you as a daughter. I would have flipped out on them. How are you holding up right now?

[ariley13]

I'm sorry Tigerlily. That sounds like a very unhealthy, and unsupportive environment. I'm glad that you are on here venting a little. Did you take the pill they offered you?

[tigerlily75]

Well I think I just figured out alot of the problem. I live with my parents and im expected to do everything. My mom just lays in bed messed up all day on everything but that's ok. I still cleaned some, what I could. And I ordered pizza for dinner because both my kids asked for it.
Then my dad gets home and the whole family got in a huge fight, and it was said that if I had to pick between pills and keeping their house clean then I need to choose pills, and they tried to force one on me just so I could finish cleaning and cook dinner! I live in the twilight zone!!!!

[tigerlily75]

I'm making it through the day. Its  negative 15 outside, they even have school closed today and tomorrow. My 4 year old has been driving me completely insane today. And now its about time to cook dinner and be around my parents. High stress!!! My parents just think its funny I'm trying to quit and I've had a hundred talks with them, I am going to have to move out. Not sure how with 2 kids. No money. No job.
But I'm going to continue to fight this and surrender.

dominosara, thank you! Just reading that from you convinced me I will make it no matter what!

ang, your comment was awesome! And yes we never fail as long as we keep trying and I'm definitely trying! And actually I called the Dr today to schedule a hysterectomy. I have finally gotten way too tired of the pain. But I'm scared. I'm sure I will need pain pills and that's scary. Plus I'm really scared of the hormones.

bubbleguppie, you have helped me a few times and I thank you for that! I'm glad you are here supporting me! And your right, I'm worth it! And I'm going to make it this time.

Like dominosara always says, when you don't have the time to be sick anymore then make time to be well.
That's exactly what I'm going to do.

[Bubbleguppie100]

Hi hunny, I am so sorry that you're struggling with addiction. My heart really hurts for you. We are all here for you and support you. We all want you to beat this addiction. Keep fighting the good fight. You are worth it! If you need anyone to talk to,please PM me. Much love and respect. Xoxo

[ang_811]

The only time we fail is when we stop trying. No matter what always keep getting back up and never give up.

I saw u had endo. I was diagnosed with that during my using years so instead of getting treated for it i used it as an excuse to use more and i ignored the situation all togeather. I got sober and my endo was still there and alot worst to the point that the only fix was a hysterectomy at the age 29. So keep up with that and take of u. Ur worth it my friend.

[dominosarah]

You are going to get this Miss Tiger, no matter what~

[tigerlily75]

Kyle
You know we are good! We have been through it together and I'm glad to have your support and I'll always support you!