Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
i know ur all probably done with me but....
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i know ur all probably done with me but....

Haven't posted in awhile due to my shame. On my last post was a comment about how I'm using this site as a crutch and that is so true and I'm sorry. I wanted my next post to say how good I was doing, unfortunately that's not the case.
In the last 5 months I have tapered down a huge amount 3 different times, but each time it get messed up because I start smokin again. The stupid thing is, I think sometimes it actually makes me feel worse. Yet I still continue to do it. Its the actuall physical act of smoking that I think is so addictive to me
Anyone who has been caught in the merry go round trap of smoking opiates, PLEASE tell me how u stopped. I am desperate. At the end of my rope. Hate myself. Hate my life. Hate what ive become. Hate waking up in the morning.
71 Comments Post a Comment
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4204073_tn?1361835076
Hey There!  As I was told last week when I came back on here full of guilt and shame....relapse is part of recovery.  I had to learn something from it and perhaps that is what is happening for you too.   Are you done now?   Let's get you through wd first.   Im back on day 7 again...so follow me!
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3688816_tn?1358478897
Hey!! I've been looking for ur posts but couldn't seem to find them now I kno y. If u truly want to b clean and b done then I'm sure everyone here will help u with tht! U already kno the hard work and determination it takes to get and stay clean so if ur ready then that's great! Congrats on realizing u need to stop. U will get thru this good luck!
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495284_tn?1333897642
We can talk till we are blue in the face and tell you what works but it is up to you to stop this insanity.  I am sorry you are still struggling with this but i am glad you are still waking up in the morning.......Your time is running out.
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Avatar_f_tn
Never stop trying. There are people that relapse frequently and one day they have had enough and take the steps to full recovery.  It's really hard.  I'm a chronic relapser and it's so hard not to be filled with guilt and self hate.  Don't let anyone's negativity keep you from this site or any other support group you can find.  Personalities sometimes get in the way.  You should try to get to an NA meeting or some other recovery group you jive with.  The more sober supportive people in your life the better.
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Avatar_f_tn
You have to answer this question before u can move on to the next step. ARE U READY TO STOP SMOKING OR TAKING DRUGS? If u are then u first have to get rid of all your pips, foil and any and all drugs around you. I through my glass pipe in a dumpster and made sure it shattered so I wouldn't go dig for it to see if there was any resin left to smoke. I smoked speed for a long time and haven't touched it now in over 12 yrs. I know what u mean by being addicted to the smoking part. I can't really talk about it still but do remember the thick smoke coming out of my mouth and loving it. U have to get rid of anything u can make a pipe out of. And if u are getting pills u need to get them out of your house. And do not call or answer the phone to any connections u have. And if u tell me more details of what u smoke or what drug behaviors u have I will try to help u stop this merry go round. Be honest and really want to stop and get help other than this site, and u can do this. It sounds like u had a bad experience last time u posted, but I'm new to this site and iam clean and willing to help support u if I can. You are welcome to PM me anytime and I will be here if u need me. I have done every drug and have put it in my body many diff. Ways. So even if I didn't smoke my pain meds, I still can understand your addiction and drug of choice. I'm gtowngirl and would love to help u anyway I can. There are many people on here who helped me and If I can help others I will. And helping you helps me in my recovery. Tell me more about yourself and your addiction and I will be checking on u often...good luck and I'm here if u need me.~gtowngirl~
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271792_tn?1334983257
I do get tired of suggesting things and you have not tried any of what I have suggested or anybody else on here. It hurts me to see you go through this again and again and it scares me as well. But I believe there is always hope and I was where you are and one person saw what I see in you and helped me get clean. I think it is time for you to trust someone, anyone, who has been where you are and is now on the other side. Addicts helping addicts is the way to go.

First and foremost, you have to come to grips with the fact that you CANNOT do this alone. You need help and I don't mean from here on the internet. I mean in person. My doc is Heroin and I was an IV drug user for many years. I was just as addicted to the method as I was the drug.

I think you need in-patient treatment. Your mind and your spirit are broken and your body is not far behind. If you don't seek treatment I fear you will not be with us much longer. Either you will take your life or the drug will. Either way it would be a shame. I think you are a good person underneath all that is going on.

The last time I made this suggestion you had a hundred excuses--your job, your kids, your wife, etc. It's time to stop all of that and get the help you need. You job, your kids and your wife will mean nothing when they are putting flowers on your grave.

If you want to know more about treatment centers and how they work, which ones are good, etc. just ask.

I'll pray harder for you as I have done all along. I hope you make it this time buddy.
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Avatar_m_tn
IBKleen is speaking absolute sense and the truth and it is what you need to hear. When I reached the "end of my rope" after 25 years of addiction, misery and destruction, I had only two choices left in the end get help or die. I chose life the best decision Ive ever made . I ve got my health back, my beautiful family back and Im back at work. Yes it was the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life but also the greatest thing and the bravest. Please make the right choice , choose life!! I will be praying for you god bless.
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3197167_tn?1348972206
You're back.  And you're still resisting.  And you must want some help or you wouldn't be back.. MANY of us invested time, love,
suggestions, advice, on and on to you in Oct.  Here's one of your last posts that you ought to re-read and ALL the answers you were given then:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/i-just-dont-get-it/show/1833981#post_8467281

The POWER OF CHOICE REMAINS YOURS!!  You must want to live but we all fear you will kill yourself before you choose to get some help.

You are a valuable man.  You are loved.  But no one can DO it for you.










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Avatar_m_tn
HI looks like you got yourself in a real jam...time to do the next right thing no one here is saying it will be ez but it is doable we had a member named James that smoked heroin for 13yrs it toook him a few trys bt he got clean now rather then fear the withdrawals embrace them you will be sick for 4 or 5 days but in the end with a program like N/A you can put your addiction in remission going to take work and an every day commitment but remember we go to the dope man every day so time to switch up priority's YOU CAN DO THIS if you try i agree with IBk in pacent would be best but if you cant comit to that give it a go on your  own no tapering just go for it good luck and God less.....Gnarly    
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1416133_tn?1351126817
I'm relieved to see you come back, beyond.  That means you're still with us.

And it also means you want to try again.  That's great.  Please, you need to keep posting, it's near impossible to help you when you post once and then not return.  We're here, beyond.  You need to be too.
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Avatar_f_tn
IBK speaks the truth here.  You have to really want to stop this crap before anything will work, listen and TAKE advice, admit you can't do it alone and get help with it!  Seriously, trying won't work....not alone anyway.  Been there.  Done that.  Don't work.  I could write a bestseller.  No kidding.  I'm not judging you, but want to ask you something I was asked by my daddy not long before I quit.  How many times is it going to take you before you realize that you have to change or die?  You have to humble yourself and ask for help, besides just here.  IBK said you need treatment, and I believe that 100%!  You "can" do this.  The question is, "will you this time?"
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271792_tn?1334983257
I promised myself that I would not comment again but I also can't help myself. Just like every other time you have posted since June, you post and then don't return to hear what people have suggested to you. It is simply bewildering to me. Are you ever going to surrender or take the cotton out of your ears?

Einstein had one of my most favorite quotes "The definition of insanity is doing the dame thing over and over and expecting different results".....
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow. ;-/
I was really scaref to come back here. But u all are truly amazing. Ive gotten rid of everything wherr I'm staying that I can think of that I cud smoke with. I know that three days, not even drug free, but w/o smokin makes such a difference in my perception of happiness. When i get to that point i almost sometimes think its possible. To b happy again. I posted this morning after I had again, woken up in wd's and went str8 for the foil. So, mon tues wed are gonna suck. Thursday I pray to be posting sayin I'm on day 4 smoke free. Last time I did that I was able to taper rather quickly and successfully, but eventually went back to the foil. I got a picture of my son in his xmas outfit from last year. I will not ruin his life. Or mine. Or xmas this year. I will not. Thank u. All. I will let u know how I'm doing tommirow.  Probably terrible, but I think I'm mostly drivin for work tommoeow
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Avatar_m_tn
Don't be ashamed bro. Relapse is part of the process for some. Hang in there!
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1416133_tn?1351126817
Does this mean you're not using at all?  Or just not smoking?  I didn't understand.  (thank you for posting!)
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3197167_tn?1348972206
Post EVERY DAY.....OK?  And as many diff drugs as you've been putting in your body, why is it out of the question to get some help?
ASKing......that's HUGE.......if you don't have the time to get some help NOW, when will you HAVE the time?
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Avatar_f_tn
I just read your old posts...wow...ummm....good luck to you and I hope u make it this time. I will say this... reading all of that makes me remember how out of control it can get. Your posts give me more reason to be thankful of where iam today. It might not be perfect but it sure could be worse...I'm going to be reading your posts but I'm not going to comment anymore. You need someone with a lot more clean time than me. I don't even know what to say...I'm going to a meeting now....good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Ok, we expect an update and clear us up on.....are you not smoking it anymore or not taking any at all?  You KNOW that if you're still keeping it around, you will end up back down the same road, right?  You can't just "switch modes" of using and hope for the best.  I mean, I guess it's better to swallow them than smoke.  IDK?  I think you should just DO IT!  Right now. Just quit and be over it.  You know that you can!  
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Avatar_m_tn
I know I can. I don't know why I'm so scared. Well actually I do. 24 hours with nothing and I'm in living hell. Skin craeling so bad that I cant sit still for more than 5 seconds. 48 hours. Of that getting increasingly worse on days 2 n 3......I just cant fathom that. Now I know I'm on a larger dose than most, but my utmost respect to nyone that has done it.
So, to clarify, no more smoking to start. Is that the best thing? Idk. But its whays happening. My sister n bro in law have my pills with instructions to give what's prescribed. I tested her today, trying to get more and she refused. So I'm good there. Headrd into store right now to get my suppliments.
also had a chat with mom. She doesn't know everything, noone does.....noone, but this is my last chance on my own. I have the # and have already spoken to a suboxone doc. I hooe I don't have to do it that way, but if I do I do
I will post sometime b4 noon tommorow.
I'm so sorry u feel that I'm using you/this site. I want to succeed so badly that I cry almosr on a daily basis, and I am NOT a cryer.
nyway, gotta go. Takin my son to see xmas lights :-)
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1416133_tn?1351126817
This plan sounds exactly like your last one.  Beyond, you gotta do something different this time.  I promise you, you CAN'T do this alone, like you stated.  Not possible.  You need to re-think this plan and either get to a meeting or find some other form of support/treatment, whether that's an addiction counselor, a therapist, a Dr., whatever, to help you through this.  Something HAS to be different.  Please listen to what you're saying.
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Avatar_f_tn
To beyond; I feel I got scared when I read your old posts. And the reason I don't feel comfortable commenting or trying to help is because I can tell by your last post your still getting very high. I'm not going to say I won't comment at all, but just throughing the foil away and saying your not going to smoke it, doesn't help u at all. You still can pop those pills in your mouth and get high. I see everyone repeating themselfs already, they are giving u great advice and u are not litening and your going to burn your bridges fast on this site. You can not taper down, it won't work. Maybe u do need the suboxin or methadone. Idk? I know u need help. And I hope u get it. If not for yourself than do it for your son. And it also scares me u are around your son high and are u driving him around high? I hope u stop doing this over and over again. Break the cycle and go get help...Angels be with you and your son.  
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Avatar_m_tn
You were all right. I am joking myself. Making excuses. I called 5 sub doctors this morning and none of them will see me because I'm taking ativan and lyrica. So now............
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Avatar_f_tn
I think tapering down is not something most addicts can do.  You need your drug of choice as far from you as you can get.  Be careful with Ativan, my doctor prescribed me that to help get off alcohol and I ended up way worse off.  I got so addicted to those pills I had to go inpatiantbis rehab.  Btw, I don't know how old your son is but if he's under 7, there are rehabs that will take both of you. I'm not going to judge you or be harsh.  I know what an insidious disease addiction is.  after, I can out of rehab I got hooked on OTC couch meds.  Addiction is evil, you have to be vigilant against.  It has to be your first priority.  I didn't set up after care, once I was out of rehab so that was my downfall. Now, I'm reaching out again.  Getting with my sponsor, going to meetings, finding other DXM abusers online, etc.  It's work but it's worth it!
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Avatar_m_tn
Well, luckily my current ativan prescription is for only 1.5 mg a day, and usually I only take 1. I have beaten a very evil benzio addiction before. I was prescribed 6 mg ativan perday and on top of that I wud take 1-4 mg xanax. It took me awhile but I got clean from benzos. So y did I start taking them again?
I'm an addict.
I can beat the ativan again, just sux cause I was ready to give in and goto the next available appointment with a sub Dr. Now I cant. None of them will even see me until I'm off. I figure that will take about a month.
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Avatar_f_tn
What about methadone ??? Have u called a methadone clinic?  And its cheaper than suboxin....call about methadone. If u want I can call mine and see if they would see someone even if they are on ativan? But u have to respond to me if u want me to call. Just say yes call. That's all u have to say and I will call. Pls don't give up...u only inqired about subs. There are more things to try and more places to call. DON'T GIVE UP! Get off your pitty party and let's make some more calls. I KNOW U HAVE NO HOPE BUT I DO SO STOP IT, PUT THE FOIL DOWN AND CALL ABOUT METHADONE. STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND IF U NEED HELP I WILL HELP MAKE SOME CALLS DAMN IT!
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Avatar_f_tn
No one can help you until your are ready to help yourself. Plain and simple. Everyone here has given you the tools but only you can build with them.
My mom is 45 years old and she is still an addict. She wrecked her brand new Ford Escape in front of her drug dealers house the other day.She lied to her husband and my grandmother about where she was. I tried talking to her and she turned it completly around on me. I hadnt spoken to her in almost a month prior to this. For the fact that we used to use together. So I stay away. Shes a grown woman and she blames everyone for HER mistakes. Shes not ready to change. Shes been this way since before I was born. Her own children couldnt change her.
You can do this but you have to want it enough. I stopped heroin cold turkey. The odds were against me. Here I am 3 months clean tomorrow. My life is amazing. Yours can be to. There is life after addiction. You just have to want that new life enough to give up all the rest!
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495284_tn?1333897642
I just dont see adding another drug to this mix will help you at this point.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Good point DOMINOSRAH
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495284_tn?1333897642
Congrats on your clean time!!!  That is an amazing accomplishment~
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Avatar_f_tn
Ativan IS a benzo.  So no, you didn't beat that.  You're still on them.  No sub doc is going to put you on sub until you're not on an opiate for 24 hours.  It would make you extremely ill.  You're kinda hard to follow here, at least for me.  You seem to be kinda all over the place.  I can't really tell what's going on, but if you'll go back over this entire thread and maybe back longer than that, I think you'll see what I'm talking about.  Not "smoking" a pill and putting them into your body by a different method is not getting clean.  It's just changing the way it travels into your bloodstream.  How do you think you're going to get clean if you're still taking both of the things you've been addicted to already?  
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3197167_tn?1348972206
You have talked subs before.  Methadone is NOT a good choice to get off pain pills.  I was on subs for 28 days and would NEVER had done that if I even knew what they were and wasn't so sick I couldn't educate myself about them ahead of tiime. You've definitely had time to check ALL this stuff out.
Methadone can be right for some people's situation, but ANYBODY that has lived the w/d from methadone will tell you if you are addicted to pills, NOT to make that choice.  If I had to guess, Weaver and Gnarly both would advise you NOT to get on methadone to get off pills.  Then you will still have to go thru w/drawal hell to get off the methadone.

You said months ago that you were 32 yrs old and have only been sober for one year since you were 14 yrs old.  You continue to try and find a drug to help you get off drugs.  You take opiates, lyrica and ativan and maybe more.  You have mentioned a lot of other drugs, too in older posts.

Nobody really WANTS to go to inpatient rehab or trmt or detox.   Take that back, some people DO and see it as a gift or a privilege to be ABLE to go. But it will totally change your life if you DO GO and you can be medically supervised with all these drugs you are still putting in your body that interact and also affect pain levels, cause their own w/drawals, etc.
ALL drugs have side effects and you have put such a suicidal cocktail in your body for so long you need help......you can keep calling "harm reduction" clinics (subs and methadone) and checking out w/drawal ease and all the other stuff, but you are still making excuses and aren't willing to pay the ultimate price and that might mean 30 days minimum out of your life to go live somewhere you cannot touch a drug, are surrounded by people that know addiction that will help educate you with new ways of living and help show you that life CAN be lived without drugs.  From 14 yrs old to 32 yrs...that's over HALF the years you've been alive it's no wonder you don't know any other way.  Those are very formative years and you drugged your way thru them.  People who haven't w/drawn from methadone or don't know someone personally that HAS, really can't share the reality of getting off methadone with you.
Go to an inpatient place somewhere......it will save and change your life.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you so much! It truly feels AMAZING!!
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495284_tn?1333897642
Great post~

Methadone and Sub are not wonder drugs.  They come with a ton of issues too.  There still comes a time when you have to get off them and learn to live a drug free life.
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2107198_tn?1336139706
Dude, you do not have to come on here and apologize or talk about how we are over you posts, etc.  I told you a couple of months ago that the only thing doing more lying then the drugs is you.  This is the addiction within you, I know I rationalized a ton of absolute garbage to keep feeding my addiction.  When I got a nudge in my life, I took it and went even further to get clean.  It can be done.

You have gotten a shove, stop rationalizing and get busy getting clean.  All of the advice you have gotten is yours to use.  What you can do to make us happy is to take the advice and save yourself.

Bryan
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495284_tn?1333897642
Recovery looks so good on you~
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3197167_tn?1348972206
Ditto Sara........Fireby29  You're shining~
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2107676_tn?1388977459
Hi Beyond,
I found that when I stopped trying to doctor myself, I was able to get clean.  I tried all different remedies and pills to come off pills.
It reminded me of that song "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly".
I know the end of that song was Perhaps she'll die.

I didn't want to swallow a spider to catch the fly and so on, anymore.
Now I hope you can't get that song out of your head and let the doctor's doctor you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Sorry everyone for commenting about methadone, I just want to help this guy out...he said he couldn't do sub's so I thought maybe methadone was an idea?? I feel I keep putting my foot in my mouth when I'm just trying to help. But I understand why  y'all  Are saying methadone is not the answer, it just prolongs going through withdrawls which are hell (I hear) coming off methadone. But isn't he already in hell?  I don't want to give bad advice, I just want to help...I do know this..HE HAS TO DO SOMETHING, AND THERE IS NOTHING ANY OF US CAN SAY TILL HE REALLY WANTS THE HELP...RIGHT?
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Avatar_m_tn
I don't really have ny words right now. I just wanted you all to know that I am beyond amazed at the support on this site. I know I need in person support.
I have not given up because they wudnt see me, I am very low on hope, but haven't and will never give up. I promisr one day I will be on here telling you all that I'm clean.
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3197167_tn?1348972206
It's ok Gtowngirl....you're pregnant, you went to the methadone clinic, and all your circumstances are diff than Beyond's.  I'll Pm you so I don't hijack his thread~
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271792_tn?1334983257
Methadone is a very poor choice and one that I hope you don't make. It will destroy your bones, your teeth, your mind and your spirit and it is very difficult to withdraw from. If you decide to go that route I fear you will not get off of it. Please be wary of the people who sing the phrases of Methadone while they are taking it and yet to come off of it. If you want to know about it, ask someone who has been on it and is now clean. Believe me, their stories will make you think twice.

You have asked about Suboxone several times. I don't know what was said here exactly but I am wondering if you decided not to go that route? You also asked about Kratom. You keep searching for a way to avoid the withdrawal and you are risking your life every single day while you do that. You cannot avoid the physical withdrawal. Period.

Again, I will continue to say this over and over until maybe you will hear it. You need in patient treatment. You need to be in a controlled environment with professionals who will work to fix your broken spirit and teach you new behaviors. You need life skills and none of this is something that you can learn by yourself or learn here. I will pray again, as I do every day for you that you seek the help you need. I will pray that you make it another day to post.
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Avatar_m_tn
I have to share this. I found 1 sub Dr that wud see me, but as I was asking the girl on the phone questions I was simply amazed. She said I did not have to be in withdrawal to start them. She said I didn't even have to start it in the office. I cud just see the Dr, je wud probably give me a weeks rx, and I cud just go home and start when/where/how I wanted. Then come back in a week and let the dr kniw if the dosage was correct. Crazy. That's totally wrong from everything ive read and heard.
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1416133_tn?1351126817
Beyond, there's no easy way out.  There just isn't.  But the withdrawal will END.  I'm not sure if you're remembering that or not.  But it ends.  It hurts BUT it ends.  And then you can focus on aftercare.

But there is no way out of the physical withdrawal.  Sooner you accept that the sooner you can get going.

Please.
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1579159_tn?1388706849
unfortunately there is not way out of this mess that is called addiction other than stop taking the drug.  Either taper or CT but i promise you its worth it, and you are worth it!!!!  Just know the physical part of this is temporary, i had to keep telling myself that, you did it before you can do it again.  Best of luck to you.
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4204073_tn?1361835076
Whatever path you choose for your recovery Beyond, I just hope you find it, walk it and join us.   Not just talk the talk, but walk the talk.   There are ways to minimize wd, but absolutely no way to escape them, but they do pass.  I know you are scared.   I know you don't want to be sick.   At some point being miserable on the drugs is worse than being miserable in wd over and over again.  Or worse yet.  We never know when that one last dose will be our last one... that's what everyone here is worried about for you and your family.  
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495284_tn?1333897642
You gotta get real with yourself and surrender to win~
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480448_tn?1403547723
I can tell you from experience that the Sub clinic you talked to is only interested in money, not really helping people, because if they did, they wouldn't have told you what they did....that's all a$$ backwards.

I agree with the others..inpatient detox/rehab is your best option.

I've seen people do well on Subs, I've seen people end up hooked on them.  There is NO way to avoid w/d's.  It's not humanly possible.  You need to ditch that idea...and start calling inpatient facilities.  I would recommend nothing shorter than a 90 day program, probably a lot longer.  It takes time to undo all of those years of addict thinking/reasoning.

Good luck to you.
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3688816_tn?1358478897
Beyond , I chose to go the suboxone route for the following reasons...
1. I have tried to stop on my own and it didn't work I ended up using h again within 3 days.
2 I am a stay at home mother with a 6 and 3 Ur old who r VERYYY VERYYY active
3 I knew in my heart tht if I didn't do something and FAST I would have been dead within 6 months bc I was using sooo much everyday and spending at least a grand a week. I really really wish u would listen to everyone here and take their advise. All the ppl here have been saying the exact same things to u since October when this all started and ur still insisting on doing it alone. U keep saying u don't want to give u wife anything to use against u but I can GUARANTEE she knows ur using. I thought no one knee what I was doing but they all knew I was doing something but didn't kno what and how much. U will lose ur son and UR LIFE if u keep going the way u are. So I think its time to wean off the lyrica and ativan and get on suboxone even if its for 1-2 months then wean off. And please don't take anything I'm staying as me being a b¡tch  but I'm being realistic along with everyone else. Ur saying ur not going to spoke it anymore and just take it by mouth??? How is tht getting clean? Its not any better ur still using just in a different way. Thts like me saying OK I'm not going to shoot h anymore I'll only snort it. See how crazy tht sounds?? Please please please listen to us when we say U CANT DO THIS ALONE!!!!!" I really understand ur scared to go thru WD ( who isn't) but in 5-10 days u will start feeling better and look back and say wow what was I thinking. I hate to talk to anyone like this but I feel like were all on a merry go round with u saying the same stuff over and over and over. We all want to see u succeed but we can't do tht if u don't want to do it or don't try. U love ur son right? ( I kno u do) but think abt how he would feel if he couldn't see u anymore bc ur doing drugs and ur wife took him or he is coming to ur funeral? Tht would hurt him so much! Please think about what were all saying and get it together and just do it!!!!!!! Good luck and think about what were saying !
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3120424_tn?1347173632
Beyond, I've been thinking about you. If your so 'amazed' at the support- why don't you put it to good use and take the advice? I second what IBKleen and others have said...

Everyone chooses their own path of recovery- just get some support and remember- most people cannot do it on their own. I tried over and over and I never got it right until I got real and reached out for help.

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Avatar_m_tn
I am as new as they get in trying to get clean and going through wd.  I am in Day 4 of mine and it has not been fun, BUT I know that it WILL end.  Thats what you need to focus on.  That it WILL end.  Thats what keeps me going.  Just looking down the tunnel and being able to see the light at the end of it.  You have a tremendous support system here if you use it.  Only you can decide that.  Tell yourself just for today i will have a program (whatever that program might be) and stick to it.
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4149717_tn?1389507161
I have been following your post and have held back in responding up until now. IMO i think that you are letting every bit of GOOD advice that others have said, go in one ear and out the other. Im not sure what your motives are for posting like you do but I dont believe its because you want to stop. You seem to talk alot about the support here and how great everyone is yet you have not said ONE thing that makes ANYONE here believe that you are REALLY serious about quitting. Dont forget, Addicts are good at lying and keeping secrets and because of that we can also smell out another BSer.  You need to wake up and realize your going to just end up another statistic if you dont make changes soon.

I hope that one day before you end up in prison or worse,  that you realize that your life is more important than the way you continue to live and if that doesnt work, then I hope you realize your son deserves a sober father.

Best of luck to you~~
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Avatar_m_tn
I want to clarify something. And I know most of u think I'm fooling myself, and ur probably right. The more days pass, the more I'm realizing I'm drowning.
but when I ssaid I am stopping smoking/snorting, that is only the beginning. I don't think a taper plan is humanly possible when smoking because u hit wd soooooo fast. I mean like in 2 hours sometimes. So just need to take orally to get on my taper sched

;-(  I don't know how to tell nyone this. Ive ALWAYS been the strong one. The one to fight through.  I was the one who people cry on at funerals. The one that people called to be cheered up. The one nobody ever truly worried about because they knew I was ok. Yes ive been high for more than half my life, but always, aleays, Always managed to keep it in control. Never let it take precidence over real life sh*t.
  
How do I tell my family that I f'ed up so bad that I cant crawl out. I feel like I'm in wd 24/7. Even when I have enuf, I fast forwatd in my head for the next week. (I also have very very bad OCD. Not sure if I ever mentioned that)

I so don't want to ruin christmas, but ive been thinking all day. If I cant/don't hit my gial tommorow.............I think I'm going to come ckean to my mother. I'm not scaref of her being mad at me. My parents are wonderful. I really cant express how good of parents they are. I'm just so sad at dissapointing her. I'm her youngest. She always says how ill always be her baby. She knows I'm lost. She doesn't know how bad, but she holds me and cries and says she wud do nything and wishes she cud make me better like when I was young. It breaks my heart.

If I cud afford inpatient I wud go. Its not me making an excuse or being cheap, I just don't have the money. And neither do my parents or I kniw they wud give it to me.

I have come to love u all. I made a promise that someday I wud come here and actually post something good. If u don't hear from me tommorow then I have finally failed for the last time and surrenderrd myself over to somehow someway somewhere, getting help from others besides my now non existint will power.

God grant me , all of us, the courage
Good night to you all.
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Avatar_n_tn
Start by telling your family if they don't know.
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3688816_tn?1358478897
well thts a good start by telling ur family, even tho ur mother will be heart broken u should tell her bc in the long run she will b ok once u get the help u need. i thought the same thing abt my mother, there was NOOO WAY i was telling her or my husband bc he would leave me and my mother would be broken hearted but the time came if i didnt tell her then bad things would happen probably me being dead. she really didnt understand , she said maria just stop its not tht hard.if u dont want to use anymore the dont?? haha ya right.. she just didnt kno so i explained a little to her and she still didnt get it like u or i do but enough to where she kinda knew what i was going thru. i kno how embarrassing it is but it will b better in the long run if u get ur secret out in the open!!!i hope everything works out for you and u get the help you need so bad.... let us kno how everything works out.
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3120424_tn?1347173632
Ok Beyond, this is a start. Your mom will probably be relieved that you are getting honest and looking for some help. You said she already has *somewhat of an idea, right?

It's a good idea to start sharing your struggles. Telling your secrete is so scary but it's so essential in the process of crawling out of this mess. Honestly, it is. It feels good, gets you help, and more importantly, it holds you more accountable.

Can you look on google for some treatment options? I'll look around too.

Ps- many of us have had to be 'strong.' Jeeze, when I was growing up, we weren't even allowed to be sick let alone complain (god help us if my dad heard us even coughing). I hardly ever cried- not for babies or deaths or my own sinking soul. Real strength comes in coming clean and realizing their is a better way to live- and doing it! It's hard to see this now because we get so far removed but its true- just wait...

:)
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Avatar_m_tn
Woke up in terrible wd as usual. Just wanted to check in an let u all kniw I'm srill here, and not smoking this morn. Actually all I have are percs on me so I wont b tempted. All the ir's are hidden somewhere at sis's house. I know I know, its still using, but I'm not getting high. Just keeping well enuf to work
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401095_tn?1351395370
." Yet I still continue to do it. Its the actuall physical act of smoking that I think is so addictive to me "
Just a thought..but have u tried an electric cig?  Great flavors and may help with the physical motion you are used to.  I smoked cigs and it sure helped me
hang tight
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi beyond......I replied to you in another post, but incase you didn't see it I will post in your thread.
In my opinion, being honest with your family is very important. Once I did that, it was next to impossible to deceive any longer as everyone was "watching me".
My brother was addicted to snorting, very large amounts of oxycontin. He was never prescribed it....has no reason....no pain etc. He has been an addict all his life. When he did have to do something due to money and them changing his doc to one that was hard to abuse, he still opted to not let anyone in family know (I get my info from his wife) and went to a methadone clinic. He was just trying to avoid withdrawl (withdrawal) in my opinion cause now he can't do other drugs because of the pee test so he just buys extra methadone on the street!
Stay in the fight and stay honest.
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Avatar_f_tn
TO BEYOND: I got your message and I want to tell you that u should listen to IBKLEEN AND CLEAN IN KS. I have done more reading about methadone and I don't think it is right for your situation. I have diff. Circumstances and I did what my doctor thought  was best for me in my situation.  I got on it without knowing much about methadone, and I will not suggest it to u or anyone else who is just getting off pain pills. I will tell u more later in this message. Just woundering what is your Drug of choice? Is it all opiates, and u like to smoke them? If u have perc's on you can't u smoke them too? Do u do any other drugs? And do u have a script for your pain meds, or do u buy them off other people? I was just woundering if u do have a doctor who writes you out the scripts and u keep saying u want to taper down, have u tried asking your doctor to help u taper or get off all pain meds? Just hoping u try and get any help u can...I'm new on this site so I would listen to IBKLEEN she has a lot of clean time and she knows what she is talking about...AGAIN IAM SORRY for my ignorance about methadone for your situation...listen to that OLD TIMER! AND CLEAN IN KS...I LIKE HER AND SHE HAS A LOT more CLEAN TIME TOO, and SHE CAN talk to me in a way that makes me feel comfortable,and she is not judgemental and makes me feel like she really care's . A lot of people have reached out to u and everyone has given u good advice( except for my methadone advice) so now its time for you to CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND GET THE PROPER HELP U NEED. All I see is u spinning round and round on that Insane merry go round. Stop it and do SOMETHING! And thank u for your message and accepting my apology. I really do feel bad for what I said and about trying methadone. But pls do something soon! Gtowngirl~
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495284_tn?1333897642
Being strong doesnt mean just being there for other people, being strong means taking care of you, reaching out for help and getting yourself better, that is strength~
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1796826_tn?1390531971
The strong man can admit to their weakness and/or shame. The weak man cannot.
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Avatar_f_tn
You know, the post about not smoking anymore and starting them orally so that you can be able to taper, because you can't taper smoking???  That actually sounded well thought out and lucid. It is one of the first posts I have seen you make where I understood and seemed to follow and where I see you explaining your point clearly where at least I feel like maybe we can help you from there.  IF you stay on them taken orally, you have no reason that you cannot taper, right?  You sister is holding them, and she has proven that she wont' cave to you wanting more, right?  (making sure I am following?) So, if those things are correct, and you won't be too sick to work, then you are possibly on your way.  YAAAY!  Ok, now......you don't go back to smoking and your sister gives you the taper amount and you do that and follow it to the letter and to the hour, what is your plan after that?  You may have said and I missed it.  The earlier posts that I read seemed like you didn't have a very well-laid plan yet.  I think that in your situation, if you don't agree that inpatient is best, you need to start NA RIGHT NOW!  Today. This afternoon.  NOW!  Stay on your taper, and keep moving forward.....never going backward even for a day.  

What you said about telling your parents is a great idea.  You said yourself something about knowing that they wouldn't judge you. (I don't remember exact words)  What are you waiting on then? Go to your mom, and get some mom-support.  I know that you don't want to hurt them, but if it will help save your life, then I think that they would want to know and help you.  You don't need to worry about being the cheer party for everyone else right now.  No one needs to cry on your shoulder today.  Go cry on someone else's shoulder.  You NEED to get clean to save your life.  What you're doing is existing. You are just breathing.  You're not living.  You're sick all the time.  Within "2 hours" of when you last use.  Honestly, I still think that inpatient would be best.  Second to that would be NA right NOWWWW and telling your parents TODAY!  

This is still salvageable right now.  Tomorrow, it may not be.  You have a tight rope to walk to get better, and if you vary from that, you may not live to post again.  I think your situation is THAT serious.  I can say that because I have been in that place.  I'm not judging you but trying to wake you up.  I don't want to come on here tomorrow and see that you didn't make it through the night.  That has happened since I have been a member here.  Someone we tried to help.  It SCARED ME.  Please do something.  Staying on your oral taper plan, going to NA and talking to your mom are not unreasonable things to ask you to do to help yourself.  OK?
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3688816_tn?1358478897
Beyond I agree with LeAnn again on this one. U sound like u have a good plan STICK TO IT and dont look back! U can save Ur life and I'm scared for u just like everyone else here!!!!! U CAN DO THIS! I KNO U CAN IF U OUT UR MIND TO IT! :)
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Avatar_m_tn
First day I haven't started my day of with my foil. Seriously, the wd's I'm used to don't hold a candle to this. I cant imagine ANYTHING worse. Ive taken oxy just nit smoked it. It took by noon, 55 mg oxy, a lyrica, bunch of vitamins some smoke and still I thought I was gonna tear my own arms off from the skin crawling.
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2107676_tn?1388977459
Do you even read the advice that you are given?  Just wondering?
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Avatar_f_tn
You need to go to treatment. You're on Ativan, Lyrica, Marijuana, Opiates and taking vitamins, and you are still sick.  Honestly, that should tell you something about your being in really bad shape.  You need to be under the care of addiction specialists who can help you get better.  I want to see you live through this.  You can come out on the other side and live a happy life, but trying to detox yourself when you are on that kind of meds and STILL sick is a bad idea.  It's just not going to work!!!
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480448_tn?1403547723
Wow, what an amazing, powerful, and helpful post from LeaAnn...go back and read her reply...over and over.  There's a lot of wisdom in that post!

Honestly...I think a good bit of this is mental for you.  You THINK the w/d's are so much worse because you're not smoking the pills.  I also think you're getting stuck because you're just ruminating about the w/d's.  I think some of the best advice I've seen here is for one to accept that they're going to feel lousy for a little while.  In the grand scheme of your life...even in the grand scheme of a YEAR, it's NOTHING.  It WILL pass.

If you can surrender yourself a little to the w/d, I think you'd get farther.  Have you confided in your Mom yet?  Like others have said...do it.  Do it now.  This is all stuff you can't sit on anymore...you need to act, and act right now.  No more excuses, no more reasons why today isn't the day.  Tomorrow may not come for you.  Tell your Mom, get yourself to NA...every day...even twice a day, or more.  

Look at that picture of your son...all day long if you have to.  THERE'S your reason.  There's no better reason.  Honestly...like others have said, inpatient would be your best shot.  Have you even called around to get info?  You say you cannot afford it....sometimes, you can find resources, find a way to make it happen...but it isn't going to come to you...you have to work for it...you have to work for all of this.

Time to sh*t or get off the pot....as harsh as that may be, it's the truth, my friend.

Pulling for you, along with everyone else.  You've got a heck of a cheering section supporting you at this point.  No one expects a winning touchdown right now...but at least get off the bench, and get in the game!
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271792_tn?1334983257
LeeAnn, GOD love you. I've beat that treatment dead horse with him since June. He doesn't even respond.

I'll still keep praying for 'ya beyond but my words are falling on deaf ears. You keep thinking you can do this by yourself and every one of your ideas stink. Six months now and I haven't seen any change. My heart breaks for you.
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4149717_tn?1389507161
No, he doesnt listen to the advice that anyone says. He just keeps posting about how we are all so wonderful and he appreciates us etc and posts about all the things he going to do (which is not one piece of advice anyone here has given him) and then disappears to come back a day later to say again that he hasnt smoked but still popping them! He has been told  by mutiple people, mutiple times that rehab is the only choice he should make and that doing this ALONE will NOT work but he either doesnt care or I dont know what.  I just dont know what kind of motives there are here but IMO its not to get clean ! Im afraid he will end up just another statistic :(
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Avatar_f_tn
i feel you my friend. I'm working up the courage after a 3 month relapse to go CT again. i just want to send you a warm hug and all the support I can muster. Whats happening to you is indicative of addiction. i feel the same shame you do. i"m going to start my own thread to get some support and just unload my secrets. I am feeling you so much. I'd love to get through this with someone, and invite you to join me. I'm making all the preps (meds to help form doctor, son out of town, no work....) Please don't get down on yourself. this is the disease. you will always be supported by me.
my deepest heartfelt (uncreepy) love to you.
Katya
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495284_tn?1333897642
If you keep doing it your way the mortician will be doing it his way, that is your reality~
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