Another newbie here

I've been reading posts on this forum since I joined  MH more than 3 years ago but have never posted here myself. My husband is a raging alcoholic who is extremely verbally abusive when he's drunk, which is quite often. I already know what most of you are thinking and what your going to say, leave him. If only it were that easy I would be out the door so fast. We have been married for 34 years and alcoholics can have a way of beating you down emotionally and even physically. I've had severe depression and anxiety for most of our married life. And I had a heart attack 3 months ago to top things off. My Cardio Dr was not concerned with my cholesterol at all, my numbers were great. He was very concerned about the stress in my life though. My husband is self employed. My daughter and I have figured out that he really likes it that way so he can work and drink when he wants. Sometimes money is no problem but most of the time it is. We did'nt even have health insurance when I had the heart attack and now no insurance company will touch me. I need meds and more testing, but the money will not be there to get what I need. Yes, I'm venting but I would also like to know how a 50 year old woman with no job and no money can get out of a situation like this. My daughter and I have talked about going to Al-anon. Really, at this point I want to do nothing to help him. He has said many times that he will not quit drinking, ever. I'm wondering though if it would help my daughter and myself?

[dominosarah]

Help yourself Remar, not him.

I think Jaybay understands your one comment about your husband.  She is in her own nightmare also but is slowly coming back and focusing on her....FINALLY!  Keep talking with us my friend.  You gotta get some of this out.  The stress is not good for you.

[seattlemom2plus]

It took a lot of courage for you to post this, so I at first want to thank you so much for putting your situation out there.

Living with an alcoholic had caused me years of physical health issues.  At first it was just emotional, then gradually increased to physical.  I had no idea what a burden my environment was having on my personal health.  Both of my alcoholics always insisted it was me and I even became very convinced of that.

You are ONLY 50 and that is not old at all, you really have a chance of bettering your health and your situation.  I'm not going to say that leaving is the answer, because it's not.  Finding help for yourself and taking time to spend on you is the answer.  Consider your health as a warning sign that you need to make a change.

Sometimes we always think that the solution is our loved ones sobriety when it's really only a solution for the alcoholic.  I would honestly give Alanon a try for about 3-6 months.  You have been in this alcoholic environment for so long, it's time to rethink and refocus on yourself.  You deserve this.  Definitely keep us posted I would certainly enjoy hearing from you.

[dominosarah]

I am so happy to see you posting remar.  You have held this in long enough and lived in his addiction WAY to long.  There is nothing you can do to help him at this point, all you can do now is help yourself.  Alanon would be very good for you and Tara.  I know how she feels about religion so all i will say is your higher power can be anything you make it, it doesnt have to be God(it can be her jeep!!)  Those people have been in your shoes and they know how you feel.  We can give you all the support you need here but having it in person is a huge plus also.  You need to build up your self esteem and learn to love yourself again.  You need to see what we all do, a kind, loving beautiful lady who has raised one fantastic daughter.  Make this about you now.  This will take some time as it doesnt happen overnight.  When it is time to make a decision you will be in a much better place emotionally and things wont seem so hopeless.   I am 50 also and i am finally living, not just existing.  You can do this too!!  Keep talking to us~~sara

[Jaybay]

You aren't alone remar.  I read for about as long as you did before I posted.  Then I read some more and posted some more and thought some more until I finally did something.  Yes, Al-Anon is a big help.  Surprisingly so, at least for me.  Never thought of myself as being a groupie and actually liking it!  Going to Al-anon does nothing to help your husband.  It's about helping yourself.  Think of it as a self-improvement program that you work at your own pace and with the help of a sponsor for the rough spots.

You aren't the first woman to find herself trapped in a bad marriage with an alcoholic with no financial means to leave. Al-anon can help you and your daughter live a better life in spite of it all.  Give it some time and roll with it for your first few meetings.  It took 34 years for you to feel bad enough to want a change.  It'll take time to heal too, but you're on your way.  :-)

[remar]

I would like to thank all of you so very much for your comments. I really am a quiet person who rarely puts my feelings out there so posting here was kind of scary. I'm glad to hear your comments about Al-anon. To me, it seemed like I might be going to help him. Not to be mean, but at this point I'm so done with trying to help him. I do believe there's hope for most people. You would have to know my husband though to understand what I'm talking about. I have no doubt that some of you dealt with a person like him, maybe even worse. I really think I'm finally getting the courage up to check out a meeting. Your all so wonderful. Thank you for being there.

[dominosarah]

Help yourself Remar, not him.

I think Jaybay understands your one comment about your husband.  She is in her own nightmare also but is slowly coming back and focusing on her....FINALLY!  Keep talking with us my friend.  You gotta get some of this out.  The stress is not good for you.

[remar]

Don't you ever sleep Sara? Ha ha! Your always here helping all of us. I love you girl. And of course, so does my daughter.
It can be so frustrating not knowing where to start, you know. I try to protect Tara from what goes on as much as I can. She deserves to have a happy life. You, better than anyone here knows what she's been through with her own sobriety.We have talked many times about going to an Al-anon meeting together. I'm not sure if it would be good or bad for her. Talking about her dad can be pretty hard on her. You see how I feel about him. I just want out and have felt that way for a very long time. So, maybe I should go to the first meeting myself and just sit and listen.
I feel so awful for you Jaybay. Your welcome to PM me any time you want to talk.

[Jaybay]

Don't feel badly for me!  We're both on the road to recovery now and out of that horrible black hole.  Funny how easy decisions are when you have absolutely, positively had enough and can't stand one more minute of the same old existence.  Yeah, it's difficult and messy but life is a whole lot better these days.

Believe it or not, Al-Anon is not about hashing and rehashing war stories about the alcholics in our lives.  The goal is to get our focus off them and onto ourselves.  Sure, some stories will come up but the idea is to look at the situation and try to figure out better ways for us to react and protect ourselves rather than try to change the alcoholic's behavior.  That was a surprise for me too when I went to my first meeting.  Pretty much every preconceived notion I had about Al-anon was wrong.  You don't even have to talk if you don't want to.

Al-Anon follows the same 12-step program as AA, so it would be great for your daughter with respect to her own sobriety.  There are several people in my family recovery group through the rehab facilty and outside Al-Anon groups who are recovering addicts/ alcoholics and also working the Al-Anon program.  Her situation is not at all unusual so no need to feel like she doesn't belong.  Jump on in - the water's great!  :-)

[dominosarah]

I know as a mother we want to protect our kids but if we cant take care of ourselves we are no good to the child.  Tara is doing great and is much stronger now than she has ever been.  She has been journaling for quite some time and that does help her.  I always thing about the movie "Eyes Wide Shut" or i should say just the title.  That is what we as addicts and you as the family members do.  We need to get the "Eyes Wide Open" part and then and only then will real healing start.  Check out some meetings, you may have to go to more than one to find the right fit.  As one wise old man told me once, take the cotton out of your ears and put them in your mouth~~(except for here Remar!!!)    

Yes i sleep and i sleep good!!  Just dont need a bazillion hours anymore!!     sara

[remar]

Jaybay, Thank you so much. Can I ask what your plans are? You can always send me a PM if you would like. I ask that question because I have no plans as of yet, except to check put an Al-anon meeting. I know that's a start and I really hope to get a great deal out of it. I have to wonder how you deal with being around your husband. I have no choice so I do what I can to avoid him when he is home. And that is not easy! Yes, I leave the room, go outside and even get in my car to leave sometimes in the middle of the night just to get away from his screaming at me.
Sara. I know how well Tara is doing. She has came so far has'nt she? I have no doubt that she will get everything out of life that she deserves. We talked again last night about her going back to college soon. Learning and teaching are her passions. I really am amazed at how well she's done considering everything she's been through. But, we both know Tara and what an incredibly strong young woman she is.
Yes, I know that I have to take care of myself mentally and physically to be a good mom. Even though Tara is an adult she still deserves to have the best mom possible. We've talked about it being time to cut that umbilical cord. Ha ha! We're just so extremely close and want only the best out of life for each other.
You always sound so good and upbeat Sara. Thank you so much for everything you do to help all of us.  

[Jaybay]

Plans.  I'm not really looking much into the future right now beyond the few days right in front of me.  My husband just got his 2 month AA chip so I don't have to deal with an active alcoholic as you are right now.  Makes a big difference.  

I can say that I'm beginning to live again and not just sitting in a dark pit waiting for the same old shoe to drop.  I think the biggest difference is that I'm not living with that constant burning anger and resentment.  Matter of fact, my husband and I were talking about just that today when we got back from an aftercare meeting.  He has his group and I have my family group and more often than not we talk a whole lot about things that resonated from the meetings after we digest it for a while.  I think the best thing about him being sober is that we can have real conversations again.  He never was one to scream and yell, but he withdrew into the bottle the same way I withdrew into the black pit.  He was in denial and I was in avoidance.  That was how I survived - avoidance and isolation.  Note I didn't say "lived" because that wasn't living.

But back to plans.  That too came up in the meeting this morning.  One woman made the ironic observation that many people come into aftercare and Al-anon wanting to save their marriages and end up divorcing.  She went into it intending to get a divorce and ended up saving the marriage.  You just never know what can happen.  Everyone's life is different and recovery can take as many forms as there are alcoholics.  As far as divorce goes, I would never tell someone to stay or go because I'm not the one in the marriage.  The only way I would advocate leaving is if there is physical or overwhelming mental abuse.  

You don't need to plan anything other that what you're already doing: finding an Al-anon meeting and working the program with a sponsor.  Just as an alcoholic stifles his recovery by trying to imagine the rest of his life without alcohol, we stifle our own recovery by trying to map out the future.  Baby steps.  One day at a time and one step at a time is all you need to worry about.  :-)

[remar]

I did'nt realize that your husband was 2 months sober! It must be great, but so scary at the same time.
I do agree with taking baby steps, if that's possible. Like you said, all of our situations are different. Your husband never yelled and that's all mine does when he drinks. He literally screams for hours on end.
It really sounds like you two are working things out. I'm sorry I did'nt read this first before your message. I asked how things were going with your husband. So, when you do read my message to you just disregard that part.

[seattlemom2plus]

2 months sober for him--- this is when it is really crucial for you to focus on your own program and recovery.  He is going to be going through a lot of changes the first 6 months, so establishing your own recovery plan will help you tremendously.  Keep us posted on progress with both you and him.

[lboogie7729]

Sara, you are amazing and like my mom said you're always on here helping everyone! You've been a source of support, inspiration, advice and encouragement for me for almost 3 years now. I know you've helped my mom a lot too with understanding what I am going through. Happy to say, I'm coming up on 18 months off the bottle! My mom and I have talked a lot recently about my dad and I talk about it with my counselor as well. My dad is an incredibly intimidating person, but I honestly believe I am the one person he is intimidated by. He knows how close I am to my mom and my grandma and now that I don't drink, we have less in common. At least when I was a drunk we could be drinking buddies despite the fact that we are polar opposites when it comes to religion and politics, 2 things he loves to argue with me about. Mom can stay or she can go. Of course I know better than anyone that neither option is easy in any way shape or form. I on the other hand can not swap out dads. He is biologically my father, and he is my dad because I actually grew up with him in my life, kind of. He called the other day, first time since the last drunk dial a month ago. He said it was just to tell me he loves me, he thinks of me all the time, he's proud of me and he knows we don't have a relationship because he is "in the sh*tter when it comes to dad's". I told my counselor yesterday that this is a new phenomenon for me, him calling and being fatherly, not raging hysterically like a psychotic drunk. I have no doubt that he loves me and my mom tremendously, but I realize he doesn't know how to communicate with me in particular. I told my counselor that I WANT him to ask me about how I got sober, what it's been like for me, how it's changed my life. I want him in particular to talk to me about it, because he is more like me than he is like any other living person. He lost his baby brother to alcohol last year, lost his mom to cancer a few years ago, and his dad, my grandpa Bert, the most brilliant man I've ever known who was also not an alcoholic, to cancer years ago. He has no contact with his 2 living siblings, an older and younger sister. I'm an only child so I feel like mom and I, and mom's side of the family are all he has. I have went back and forth between cutting ties with him, wanting to save him or commit him (I'm over those ideas that are obviously not options) and where I'm at now, which is leaving the door cracked with all kinds of boundaries. I don't call or email him, and he has only called me a couple of times this year, only on that one occasion was he sober. At this point I think mom may need more help than me. I have a sober boyfriend who is very supportive and we have history that goes back 20 years. I have a part time job, and like mom said I am planning to go back to school. I also live farther away than anyone in my family so I have put emotional and physical distance between myself and him. She is stuck there with him, and I'm not going to lie, I worry. I remember what I was like when I was a drunk, violent, argumentative, suicidal, and basically a psychological terrorist when I was wasted. My dad is a LOT worse than I was and I worry that he is not just suicidal but basically capable of anything when he goes into "black out mode". That's what we call it, my mom and I, and lately my dad too because he is starting to realize that he does not remember things as simple as eating an hour earlier to something as terrifying as putting a gun to his own head, to entire blocks of time. He and I are so similar in so many ways and yet so completely different. I am open minded, forgiving (something I've worked incredibly hard on), accountable for my own behavior, actions and speech, much more flexible about life in general and I'm not hung up on the things he is. I'm hung up on personal things, past traumas and whatnot. He likes to get hung up on God and religion and other things that make me just walk away from him. That made me laugh sara when you mentioned the higher power being my Jeep! Ha! I do love my old hooptie, but I do believe in some kind of order in the universe and I lean toward Eastern Philosophy, Buddhism in particular. Don't get me wrong, I struggle, a lot. I have a short fuse, I still deal with depression and anxiety, I have issues with retribution and vindictiveness but I am getting better. I believe there is a higher consciousness within myself, and it exists in all of us, but people like my dad don't like to think in those terms. I think it gives him some comfort to think that he can pray TO something. I believe in focusing on what I can change and that is what has got me to where I am, my action, not prayers. I want the best for my mom, I will always go out of my way for her, I love her more than anything and I just want her to be happy and healthy. I don't hate my dad, but I am angry with him for what he has put my mom through, and I'm not happy about the way he's treated me and the way our relationship has went, but I love him. We are all adults and I think it is up to each of us individually as far as what we make of things. I think he and I could have a relationship, but it would take a lot of work from both of us, him in particular. I don't know what the possibilities are for him and my mom, and I honestly doubt he will ever get sober. I try not to think of that because it makes me want to cry my eyes out. He's my dad, of course I don't want to see him drink himself to death. But I won't tolerate him mistreating my mom or me so I am always in a weird position when it comes to being his daughter. I looked up meetings and I found one, ONE, in St. Louis, MO. There has to be more options than that. I will continue with counseling and I'd love for my mom to go too, but it's an hour commute each way for her so it's not something that would be easy for her. I'm hanging in there. I am strong, resilient, resourceful, intelligent and I'm a hustler, I make things happen, I don't lay back and wait or wish things into existence. Being sober is the most important thing I've ever done in my life, not having kids and quitting smoking and drugs are the other most important things. Nothing is changing that for me. Thank you for being so supportive of my mama, she is incredibly shy compared to me and not one to ask for help. She is the sweetest person and she deserves to be happy and to be treated like a queen. I'm going to do what I can to be a positive influence on my mom and I am always going to support her anyway I can. In the meantime I hope things don't get anymore out of control with my dad. It's a sad situation indeed. Love to you all!

[dominosarah]

Your comment about your dad being intimidated by you is spot on.  I too was very intimidating to my dad.  I brought out feelings he didnt know how to handle as he wasnt brought up with emotions, so instead of feeling them you numbed them up.  Only when my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer did he and i really come together.  We lived 44 yrs into those 10 months.  I miss him so bad~~

I worry about your moms safety the most.

I will write more later, just got called to come in to work early....ugghh

[seattlemom2plus]

I just wanted to check in with you to see how you were doing and if you were able to make it to an Al-anon meeting and what you thought of them?  When I first started Al-anon someone told me to just try 6 meetings.   I had the attitude like this isn't my problem so why do I have to go to meetings to solve it?  But it was my problem because I contributed to it.  So I committed myself to at least 6 meetings and things started to click.

@ lboogie7729  
Glad to see you here and to meet you :)

[Alex_93]

I completely understand what you are going through. It sounded like my alcoholic experience except for the heart attacks. This is what I saw, my mother is the one who experienced it fully though. As I was a child my father was never really nice, so as I grew up I became cold hearted like him because that was how I was brought up. I remember my mom and him getting into fights, not physically. No matter how messed up my dad was he still knew that hitting a women was bad. At least he had some respect. But they would get into fights and he would end up throwing things. There are currently many holes in the walls of my house right now. Every day after work he would come home and drink, which I never thought was a problem because it 'calmed him down'. About ten months ago my father told my mother and I that he was also taking pills, and we knew he also smokes marijuana. He told me he was going to see a therapist. That was one of the worse/happiest times of my life. Knowing he is going to get help. He went to AA meetings every night and would see the therapist. My mom was there for him when he was going through withdrawals. She never left his side. She helped him through that. Soon after that my mom suspected him of cheating, and he was. So on Christmas eve my mom caught him and threw him out of the house. That was the saddest Christmas ever. I have tried to work things out with my dad so many times but he just gives up on me. I am still having problems with him. And now my mother is paying the bills, and the mortgage, and necessities with just her paycheck. We can't afford this. Every time my father gives up money, which is like once a month if were lucky, it's like 200 dollars. They are now getting divorced and everything is just going downhill for my mother and I.

I know I went off on a rant, I'm sorry, but I just want you to try and be there for him. Try somehow to get him help. It's going to be hard for a while but it'll work out in the end. My father seems just like your husband and my mom could never divorce him, because she could see behind the monster he was. Go to the al-anon meeting. Theyll help you and your daughter because you'll realize you're not alone.

[remar]

Do not be sorry about ranting here, okay. That's what we're here for. To listen, be supportive and help if we can. This makes me so sad because I'm thinking of my own daughter while reading your story. Children, no matter what age they are, should not have to go through this. My daughter is grown but still goes through the wrath of he fathers alcoholism. She could not be a more perfect daughter and just wants to have a real relationship with her father. It just breaks my heart every time he hurts her. Even though I was born into alcoholism I can never fully understand it because I've never drank.You and your Mom have each other and this is a really good thing. It's the same as me and my daughter. We have each other. I wish I could tell you that your love for your Dad will make him quit drinking. It won't. He has to want to do it for himself first and that may never happen. What my daughter did was quit drinking herself almost 19 months ago. I'm so proud of her! And she will only deal with her Dad when he's sober. Sometimes you have to put up those boundaries to protect yourself. Maybe it's what you can do too. My husband travels alot so we know not to answer our phones at night. That almost always means he's drunk.  

[seattlemom2plus]

I agree with remar it is all about boundaries and what we find is unacceptable and what is acceptable behavior.  Constantly sticking our hand in a fire no longer has to be the option.