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HELP!! I don't know what else to do. (coping with an alcoholic younger brother)
by Joie1836, Oct 19, 2009 03:14PM
I live with my 22 year old brother (I will call him B) who is an alcoholic, or what I like to call a drunk. I call him a drunk because he refuses to benefit from the meetings so many alcoholics benefit from. Let me try to explain as best as I can in as few words as I can.
B had partied with his friends and with mine. My friends and I rarely drink anymore because we are over the whole 'partying' thing, not to mention a few of my friends have families now and just do not have the time, money or energy to go out and party. B's friends are all about his age and they still have the party bug, which I thought was pretty normal. I mean, 21 years old - you're going to want to go out to the bars and have fun with your friends now that you actually can - so I thought nothing of it.
My father was an alcoholic (or is - but he's been sober for over 30 years) and my grandfather was an alcoholic… So I realize that the gene can run in the family, whatever that may be. Whether it's a gene that predisposes one to drink or if it's just something that makes it easier for us in the family to become addicted to something (I believe that more than anything).
A month ago B 'hit rock bottom' for the third time and since it was his third time of "I am never drinking again, I need help - please help me" I didn't have much hope. He begged me to call our parents and have them come over so he could talk to my father. I called and my father insisted on me taking away his pistol (he has a CCW - it's legal!), and he fought me on that until my parents came - I was terrified. I wasn't worried he'd hurt himself on purpose, but he had just finished a half of a gallon of Seagram's 7 in a two and a half hour period. (See, he was trying to get into a certain job that looks at your medical history so we were going to give him this one chance and keep it as quiet as possible. Kind of a family intervention.) He had revealed that night that he had been drinking since he was 14, I honestly had no idea it was that early. I knew he was drinking at 17 (which isn't any better, but 14?). He went to stay with my parents for a few days (he left on a Tuesday night) and begged to come home on that Thursday. I didn't like the idea because I was going to have to work Friday and I didn't think he was ready to be alone yet. Reluctantly I allowed him back home. He walked in with the biggest coffee I had ever seen in my whole life - he had just gotten back from his first AA meeting and showed me his 2 days sober coin. He was pretty excited about it and the hope I tried to banish began rearing it's head.
This continued for a few weeks, and then he came home with O'Doul's. I told him there was alcohol in it. He didn't believe me so I read the bottle and sure enough it said .05% by volume. That's not much, but it's not 0 either. I dumped it out - he went crazy. A week went by and he wasn't drinking and then my mother and I went to lunch. He met us at the restaurant and defiantly ordered a beer because - in my mind - he just KNEW we wouldn't fight him in public. I nearly turned inside out, as it were I had to literally hold my breath from screaming at the top of my lungs and reaching out to strangle him to death.
All was fine after that. He kept saying, "I just want to be able to go out if I want to and not NEED to drink". Whatever, I wasn't going to convince him… I told him he wasn’t recovered until he was completely sober, but of course I'm an idiot.
Saturday (this past) I came home from an outing quite ill. I asked B to take me to the urgent care facility and he informed me that while I was out he had a 24 ounce beer and 3 shooters, so he wouldn't be able to drive me to the hospital. I did not get mad - he isn't psychic. I wouldn't yell at someone who wasn't an alcoholic for drinking and bad timing. What broke the camel's back was this: My mother had to rush to me, rush me to the urgent care and my boyfriend met up there. B calls my boyfriend and asks him to bring him a six pack on the way home. Not, "How's my sister". That is NOT like him - AT ALL. My boyfriend insisted on coming back to the apartment when I was discharged hours later that night after loads of antibiotics and I couldn't understand why. He wanted to be a buffer (god bless him). When I got home - FROM THE HOSPITAL - B was more pissed off that we never called him back or that we didn't bring him home Doritos like he asked. I'm every derogatory name in the book - including the disgusting 'C' word and then he'd blink and say "I'm sorry - it's the alcohol" and give me a hundred excuses as to why he NEEDS said alcohol. Then he would get really happy - and then incredibly depressed. His mood changed so many times Saturday that my head spun. Such a different reaction than before he was sober for a measly month.
I guess, after all of this background my point is this: I went through his withdrawals with him, I know how terrible it can be to feel absolutely helpless and scared when they get angry and sick. I don't know what to do now. Do I kick him out? Where would he go? I am keeping up with my rule of no alcohol in the house, and I will search if necessary, but what else can I do? And how do I tell myself that it's not my fault? That had I not bought him booze when he was under age perhaps he wouldn't be like this? How do I deal with the mood swings? And damnit - how do I stop being so depressed and worried and how do I stop feeling alone? I just need some help on how to help him, but especially on how to help myself.
Thank you for reading this, it was longer than planned, but I thought you should get the full report. Any help or suggestion would be appreciated. Because of my job Al-Anon meetings are out of the question, that it why I'm on here - I'm actually looking for support forums as well if you know of any. Thanks again.
B had partied with his friends and with mine. My friends and I rarely drink anymore because we are over the whole 'partying' thing, not to mention a few of my friends have families now and just do not have the time, money or energy to go out and party. B's friends are all about his age and they still have the party bug, which I thought was pretty normal. I mean, 21 years old - you're going to want to go out to the bars and have fun with your friends now that you actually can - so I thought nothing of it.
My father was an alcoholic (or is - but he's been sober for over 30 years) and my grandfather was an alcoholic… So I realize that the gene can run in the family, whatever that may be. Whether it's a gene that predisposes one to drink or if it's just something that makes it easier for us in the family to become addicted to something (I believe that more than anything).
A month ago B 'hit rock bottom' for the third time and since it was his third time of "I am never drinking again, I need help - please help me" I didn't have much hope. He begged me to call our parents and have them come over so he could talk to my father. I called and my father insisted on me taking away his pistol (he has a CCW - it's legal!), and he fought me on that until my parents came - I was terrified. I wasn't worried he'd hurt himself on purpose, but he had just finished a half of a gallon of Seagram's 7 in a two and a half hour period. (See, he was trying to get into a certain job that looks at your medical history so we were going to give him this one chance and keep it as quiet as possible. Kind of a family intervention.) He had revealed that night that he had been drinking since he was 14, I honestly had no idea it was that early. I knew he was drinking at 17 (which isn't any better, but 14?). He went to stay with my parents for a few days (he left on a Tuesday night) and begged to come home on that Thursday. I didn't like the idea because I was going to have to work Friday and I didn't think he was ready to be alone yet. Reluctantly I allowed him back home. He walked in with the biggest coffee I had ever seen in my whole life - he had just gotten back from his first AA meeting and showed me his 2 days sober coin. He was pretty excited about it and the hope I tried to banish began rearing it's head.
This continued for a few weeks, and then he came home with O'Doul's. I told him there was alcohol in it. He didn't believe me so I read the bottle and sure enough it said .05% by volume. That's not much, but it's not 0 either. I dumped it out - he went crazy. A week went by and he wasn't drinking and then my mother and I went to lunch. He met us at the restaurant and defiantly ordered a beer because - in my mind - he just KNEW we wouldn't fight him in public. I nearly turned inside out, as it were I had to literally hold my breath from screaming at the top of my lungs and reaching out to strangle him to death.
All was fine after that. He kept saying, "I just want to be able to go out if I want to and not NEED to drink". Whatever, I wasn't going to convince him… I told him he wasn’t recovered until he was completely sober, but of course I'm an idiot.
Saturday (this past) I came home from an outing quite ill. I asked B to take me to the urgent care facility and he informed me that while I was out he had a 24 ounce beer and 3 shooters, so he wouldn't be able to drive me to the hospital. I did not get mad - he isn't psychic. I wouldn't yell at someone who wasn't an alcoholic for drinking and bad timing. What broke the camel's back was this: My mother had to rush to me, rush me to the urgent care and my boyfriend met up there. B calls my boyfriend and asks him to bring him a six pack on the way home. Not, "How's my sister". That is NOT like him - AT ALL. My boyfriend insisted on coming back to the apartment when I was discharged hours later that night after loads of antibiotics and I couldn't understand why. He wanted to be a buffer (god bless him). When I got home - FROM THE HOSPITAL - B was more pissed off that we never called him back or that we didn't bring him home Doritos like he asked. I'm every derogatory name in the book - including the disgusting 'C' word and then he'd blink and say "I'm sorry - it's the alcohol" and give me a hundred excuses as to why he NEEDS said alcohol. Then he would get really happy - and then incredibly depressed. His mood changed so many times Saturday that my head spun. Such a different reaction than before he was sober for a measly month.
I guess, after all of this background my point is this: I went through his withdrawals with him, I know how terrible it can be to feel absolutely helpless and scared when they get angry and sick. I don't know what to do now. Do I kick him out? Where would he go? I am keeping up with my rule of no alcohol in the house, and I will search if necessary, but what else can I do? And how do I tell myself that it's not my fault? That had I not bought him booze when he was under age perhaps he wouldn't be like this? How do I deal with the mood swings? And damnit - how do I stop being so depressed and worried and how do I stop feeling alone? I just need some help on how to help him, but especially on how to help myself.
Thank you for reading this, it was longer than planned, but I thought you should get the full report. Any help or suggestion would be appreciated. Because of my job Al-Anon meetings are out of the question, that it why I'm on here - I'm actually looking for support forums as well if you know of any. Thanks again.
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We are behind you 100%. I have a newborn so I'm not able to go to any meetings either...I DID attend when I was younger though...my dad's an alcoholic.
My brother is one...my hubby is one...look at ME go! lol
The meetings may have changed format since then...they didn't do much for me or my self esteem...or my thinking...I still think that I can change the world! lol!
Anyway...as far as your brother is concerned...tell yourself this...
I am NOT my brother's keeper!!
You cannot change or help those that do not truly want the help.
As far as your mental health is concerned...repeat after me...I am NOT my brother's keeper!!
What he does with his life is not your problem nor your fault. Buying booze for him did NOT make him an alcoholic.
My dad is not a drunk because my mom cheated on him!
My hubby is not a drunk because his ex had an abortion 25 years ago!
My brother is not a drunk because life is more fun that way!
None of the drunks in my life or your's are like that because of anything we have said or done.
They drink because they like the taste,life is better drunk,it helps their ulcers,it makes us less boring,it takes the pain away...
They do it because they like it!! They do it because they are addicted...they do it because they can and they WANT to.
I don't drink (mostly because alcoholism runs in my family and I don't want to be one)but...
I'm a smoker....I know it's bad for me...I smoke outside away from the kids...but of course now I'm told that 3rd hand smoke is worse than first or secondhand smoke!!
But I can't stop because I'm not ready.
Just like your brother isn't really ready to quit drinking...
I've tried a few times to quit already...your brother has tried to quit...see the pattern?
My kids have told me that I stink, that I'm going to die and that they don't want to lose me...I've heard it all. It always brings a tear to my eye,but...I'm just not ready...maybe I never will be.
An addiction is an addiction. What was learned has to be unlearned...and mostly unwanted.
It takes will power,strength,and understanding to quit any addiction.
Two of those three things must come from inside yourself, and the last from yourself and those that love you. But you can't stop with the third thing being first. All the love in the world will not make people give up their addictions...the other two sources must first be there.
Hope this helps somewhat.