How long before I forget the hurt?

My husband is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.  I am still really hurt sometimes and I have forgiven him I think but sometimes when we fight it all comes back up and the hurt is right there and he's been sober for 7 years.  Also it's like if he's late I wonder if he's going to slip up, he never has and like I said it's been actually it will be seven years in August.  Does it ever get easier?  Why do I still feel like I was "cheated" out of things because of his drinking/drug use?  I don't want to be this person that is full of anger and hurt but I can't seem to make it go away.  I don't want to hold on to it but I don't know it's almost like it's become who I am.  It seems to define me as clearly as my children define me as a mother his addiction defined me as the wife of a recovering acoholic, an angry bitter wife.  It's not always there and I hide it as much as I can because he does feel guilty about his issues but he did things like get paid and not come home until the next day.  All of his money gone.  It was really heart breaking.  I mean I can remember our first Valentines day he spent his entire paycheck on drinking/drugs, I spent mine on his gift.  I can in my mind usually say okay but you know it was the disease but it's not always so easy and people who have not lived it don't understand.  I am really close to my mother (to the point where she was my maid of honor in my wedding) but she didn't even know.  I didn't tell anyone.  I was ashamed and humiliated.  I still am sometimes and he doesn't want to hear it anymore and I can't blame him, I don't want my mistakes from 7 8 9 10   years ago thrown up around at me either and it's not that I try to throw it in his face.  I don't use it to get what I want from him or anything I just can't seem to forget about it.  Is this normal?  Will it lighten up?  Wiill the feelings around it fade?  I feel like I'm just a bitc@ and I don't want to be like that or to feel like this but it's driving me crazy........Please tell me if your experieces forgetting the hurt is hard,, You don't have to tell me your actual personal story I'm just wondering if the forgetting (or lack there of) is normal?

[jml1986]

Let me say, it is nice to have another person on here that stuck by her husband. I think we are a rare breed.

Now to answer your questions. You will never forget. It is just not possible. Yes, it will get better, no it is not bad that you are having trouble getting over it and when depends on you.

You must remember that it took years of drinking to start this and it may take years for your heart to heal, and unless and until you are ready to move on, it won't happen. This is something that your husband must also know.

You didn't ask to have your life torn apart by drugs and alcohol but you can chose to move forward with your husband now that he is sober. Will it be easy, no, but it can be done. I assume that you and your husband have talked this out and you have agreed to try and forget it so you all can go on with your lives. Now for the hard part, you have to make a conscience choice to not bring it up anymore unless you have reason to believe that he has falling off the wagon.

I know you think it is easier said then done, and you are right. I know all to well what you are going through. That was my life for 20 years. My husband has been sober for 5 years now, and I couldn't be happier. The first couple of years were very hard. I couldn't trust him now matter how he proved to me he had changed. But slowly things did get better. Partly because he has done nothing to make me not trust him, and partly I think because I am old enough to realize that I can be happy, or I can be sad, and it really was up to me. I chose to be happy.

I hope this helps, if you need to talk, I am here for you.

[nyychic]

Thank you I was starting to feel like I was just being bitter.  The strange thing is that I don't really feel bitter.  Sometimes I feel like I was such a fool not knowing what he was doing but I'm really very naive about drugs.  I don't do them and really never did so I just didn't know anything about them.  I felt like I should have been more aware more somthing.  I am starting to realize that it wouldn't have mattered.  I wouldn't have known because I didn't want to and if I had known I may not have stayed if I realized how bad things were.  I'm glad that I didn't know in many ways.  I am just trying to move past the pain and maybe if I talk to him about it maybe that will help me move past the pain.  I know that I want to make my way out of the fog I had alot of things happen between the last years of his drinking and him quitting.  I lost my step-father (like a father to me) I lost my uncle who was there for us the whole 16 years that my mother was single raising us after my father walked out.  I had three miscarriages and I had 4 children and I just sometimes feel like he missed out on the first few years of our oldest childs life because of it.  It makes me feel bad as a mother at times then reality hits and I realize that I'm only able to be responsible for my actions as his mother etc. It's just that sometimes I try to take on the world ya know.  I am past the trust issues for the most part.  I mean only if he's running really late and I can't get ahold of him.  It's not that I really think that he's going to be out drinking or something but it brings back all the old pain of him being out somewhere and my not knowing or the beginning days when I would track him down at a bar it's just I think it's because I was so young.  I started dating him when I was 18 I'm now almost 30 we are still together and there is probly little that could change that at this point.  I don't feel angry or hurt all of the time but I do have the feelings still and it just seems like my "timeline" is up I should have let it go but I don't really know how to.  It's like it just creeps up on me sometimes.  I try not thinking about it but that would mean I would have to forget our first 7 or 8 years and then that could make things bad!! LOL my sons birth and all I don't know I just need to pull myself out of the gray area's and be happy that he's sober and I am I really am I couldn't have stayed if he was still doing the drugs because he would spend every penny he had on it and I couldnt' afford to support me our children him and his drugs so I am SO happy that he's sober I just have to find a way to make it all even out I guess.  It's been almost as long sober as the time we spent together while he was drinking/drugging.  I do believe that people walk out to early in many cases and I want to make this work out.  I am really proud of him that he's come so far.  I really am.  I'm not all ashamed of the fact that he's a recovering addict I'm more ashamed of the part that I played in it but not knowing.  However, if I had given him the ulimatam (spelling is horrible I'm sorry) back then he wouldn't have chosen us so it was all the right timing and I am happy about that I guess I have to learn that we live with the "coulda beens" and realize that he has done it and I didnt' have the horrible bouts of depression from him he was happy after the first couple of weeks.  I know that I'm lucky for all that he's done I just need to inform my heart!!  Thanks for the support and for listening to me moan and groan!!  I am happy a good 95% of the time I just get a little down now and then about it all!

[jml1986]

It is hard to keep those old thoughts for creeping back in. In fact I think it is impossible to keep them from creeping back. But, I know that is human nature so I don't beat myself up when I have those thoughts. We all wish we knew what our lives could have been if it was not filled with the addiction, but then would we be the people we are now? I don't think so. I learned to become very self sufficient because I had to, I learned that I am strong, because I had noone to lean on and I learned to be a great mom, because I had to be two parents for all those years. Yes, I was angry for being put in those positions, but now I know that it has made me who I am today.

Yes, I do wish that my children would have had a better father when they were growing up, sadly we can't change their past, but we can change their future. They now have a great father who when he knew better, he started doing better. Sometimes I even have to remind him that he can't change is past. There are times when I see him look sad and he his thinking about how things used to be and he gets so upset with himself. I don't try to stop his thinking about it because he has to go through that process to totally heal. But I do tell him it is okay to be sad about your past, as long as you don't let yourself drown in it.

I had alot of things go on when my husband was drinking as well, it was hard to go through them alone. He was there, but he wasn't really there. I lost several family members, the worst was when I lost my father. There are times when I think about my dad and I think about when he passed away, and I remember how alone I felt. These are the times that I have trouble with. Part of me would just love to scream at him and ask him how he could have let me go through it be myself, but the other part of me says, do you really think it would have helped. The answer is, I don't think so. The loss of a loved one is such a personal feeling, that I don't think there would have been anything he could have done even if he were sober.

I guess what I have learned more then anything is that, that was our past, and we can not change, or hide it, so I try to live everyday knowing how lucky we are to be one of the couples who's marriage did survive it and has grown stronger in spite of it.

[LORDINEEDHELP]

as i sit here and read all your comments it brings tears to my eyes to know that what im going through right now in a marriage of 18 years  sadens me to know i might not get rid of the feelings of anger resentment and sometime the hatefull things i feel now may not go away i to made the decision to stick by my husband yet i cant tell you iv enjoyed any of  it i honesty look up to you for sticking by your husband and i can relate to how you feel yet my husband is not recovering he is right in the middle of denial and it has caused me great pain not to mention depression anaxiety and my view on things has so changed my life and i wonder if i will ever be the same i to hurt and i tend to bring things up from time to time to maybe hurt him like he has hurt me yet it does not work and it actually makes it worse for me in the long run  im sorry your feeling like you cant put things in the past hopefully things will get better for you and how you feel stay strong you have made it this far and i my self admire you for it your strength shows
if you want to talk some more please just let me know i will say a prayer for you and your family that you stay strong .

[nyychic]

You are in the middle of the worst of it.  What I am going through is so much easier than the "drunken" days.  I mean yeah I still feel bitter and I go through phases of sadness and anger but it doesn't take over my life.  I lived wondering all the time if my husband was going to spend the grocery money, diaper money, rent money etc. on his problem.  You can make it through this you just need to find what makes him hear you.  I don't know what that is but I will pray for you

[jml1986]

First let me say, I am sooo sorry for the pain you are in right now. Deciding to stay with your husband is a tough choice to make. What you are going through now is what all of us who have chosen to ride it out have gone. The hurt, the pain and the anger are something that we all have felt at one time or another. Thankfully if you are lucky to have a spouse that choses to get sober, these feelings will fade. They may never go away, but you do learn on to go on and put it in the back of you mind. It will not be easy, and for you it may be a while before you are at this point, but it will get better.

Please know that I am here if you need someone to talk to.

[LORDINEEDHELP]

thanks so much for responding latley i dont feel strong anymore, more worn down trying to convince myself maybe this is worth the pain yet the anger and the resentment is overwhelming and hate full things overwhelm me im depressed all the time and being threatened all the time that he will leave me is pissing me off let the fool leave i can say honestly no one else would put up with him like i have he claims im his world yet im never a choice or an option just a last bit effort after the alachol is gone or when i freak out and just loose parts of my heart daily i blame hus actions on me and i know this is wrong yet he makes me feel worthless to the point of me wanting to not feel this hurt any more lashing out and hurting my self in the process is painfull and im not really sure i can continue hurting tjhis bad makes me very uneasy and scared of myself and my actions i do have a counselor yet i cant go everyday yet she is a eye opener not only for my self but for hubby as well at least i got his *** to go with me well sorry i did not mean to rattle thanks for yiur kind words and support it is needed and greatly appreciated

[jml1986]

I know what you are going through hun. I walked in those shoes for 20 yrs. I was always depressed and unhappy. Just when I would think that I could take no more, something would happen and I was strong again, even if I didn't want to be. How many days and nights I would think if you want out just go, I can make it without you because I am doing it now. But that never happend, he stayed and I stayed, and things just stayed the way they were year after year. Funny when I finally decided that I had had enough, there was no fight, there was no anger, it was me looking him directly in the eye (which was a first in a long time) and saying, you get help or get out. I had went out of town for the weekend, and he had to decided by the time I got home. I don't really know if that is what made him decide to get help, or if he was finally ready, but whatever it was, it was the best thing that has ever happened for us. He is finally the man I married again, and thankfully, he has had no desire to ever go back to that life. Not that him getting sober was easy for us either, because it wasn't, but at least then it was a fight worth fighting.

I hope someday that you will be blessed enough to have your husband back. But no matter what happens, I am here for you.

[nyychic]

I had sort of the same situation come about only I was working second shift and I got home early only to find out he was late to pick  our kids up from my mother.  So I called and told my mom not to let him take the kids until I spoke with him.  He had already spent time in jail and lost his license temporarily and got it back he called me when he got to my moms and I knew right away he'd been drinking and I just snapped.  I couldnt' believe it he had wrecked so many cars while with his ex and he was going to put my babies in rist because of HIS addiction.  NO WAY.My claws came out.  I had hit a wall and there was no going back I told him to wait there for me.  I packed up the baby's bassinet and our sons clothes and some of mine and moved out.  I stayed with my mom for a week.  That was my husbands last drink (other than one slip up he stopped and got a beer and he took a drink and it gagged him) that was the end of it.  I got lucky, he got lucky.  I don't know if it always works the whole ultimatum it did in my case.  I wish you luck and I know what it's like humiliating and depressing and just miserable and then there are good times and it seems like things are okay then the drunken nights.  It will only get better when he stops drinking.  I wish you all the luck and you are in my prayers.

[peggy64]

YOu are in a place that only God and His grace and favor can help give you strength. I would like to recommend to you a book, by joyce meyer...Battlefield of the mind. It is such an amazing book, that I keep it and reread some chapters from it frequently. Also stay in the Word. It gives an unexplainable strength.

Your name says Lord I need help....He says: trust in me with all your heart, lean not on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge me and I will direct your paths.

Draw strength from Him, when yours is gone........

[nyychic]

Oh yeah, even though it's been tough if I could go back and leave earlier or something I wouldn't because even though there is still some pain there are lots of good memories too.

[Suzyq0826]

You both are to be commended, you are succeeding at something that I was not able to do. My ex husband was a crack addict, I found out about 6 weeks after we were married. At the time I didn't even know what crack was, or what it would do to our lives and to me. He would disappear for a week or 10 days at a time..just living in a crackhouse, staying stoned. I can't tell you how many times he pawned his wedding ring for crack, or how many times I had to go buy it back. The non-stop lying, the stealing, the infidelity, bailing him out of jail, the really creepy people that would come around my house. I tried everything I could to stick by him and be supportive, but it was one relapse after another...for 5 years. He'd stay clean for a couple of months and then "Bam", one day he'd just be gone again and I knew. We tried outpatient therapy and classes, narcotics anonymous, church...everything. I finally filed for a legal separation with the last-ditch hope that he would understand that his drug addiction was going to cost him his wife if he didn't seriously get some help. I filed a separation rather than a divorce because I wanted to give it one more try, and I believed that our love and marriage had to be stronger than his love for crack. I was wrong.
I converted the separation to a divorce, filed a restraining order to keep him and his dealers away from my home and tried to move on with my life.
I have been on Xanex for 7 years now, I am not the same person that I was before I met him. I have since remarried, and while my husband is not anything like my ex, he is paying the price for what I went through. Before my ex, I would never question anything my husband did, my trust was always there, I had no insecurities and fear...my ex-husband stole something from me....still it feels like he took away part of my soul and I will never be the person I once was.
So, I understand your anger, your bitterness, and your resentment. I'm still very angry for all the time I wasted that I can never get back, all the hurt and pain that I will never forget, and how hard I tried to make it work but he loved the drug more than me. I truly hope that you can overcome it. It was something I could not do.

[nyychic]

I'm sorry to hear your story I always prefer to hear a story that ends in sobriety.  I know the pain but then again my husband got sober so in a way I don't know the pain.  I'm so sorry that he stole that security from you.  It's hard to trust again no matter how that trust is broken but to have it broken in so many ways is sometimes unbearable.  I'm happy to hear that you have moved on and I hope that you are able to let go some and trust your husband now and that he deserves that trust, as it sounds he does.  I am really hoping that you are able to move forward and that slowly it will become easier.

[Suzyq0826]

Thank you. I am very happy for you, I know how difficult it is. I have over time stopped beating myself up over what I considered my failure, because I couldn't "fix" things, but eventually I realized he had to want it as much as I did or it would never work anyway. It is becoming easier, it is a slow process, and I keep reminding myself that my husband does not deserve to be punished for something that happened in my past because of somebody else.
Thank you for your thoughts, .....I wish nothing but success for everyone that wants it and is willing to work to have it.

[Bob185]

i am one of the husbands that was kicked out due to my drinking - funny thing is i am now alone in my struggle to stay sober in that i have no will or hope without my family - you are a strong group to have stayed by your husband - i am still numb over my divorce and her new friends and alaonon tell her not to talk to me anymore unless it's about the kids or money. I am truly lost - my anger is not toward my ex as much as it towards myself good luck to all of you

[nyychic]

Thanks Bob, Just hard some days ya know.  Most are fun

[LORDINEEDHELP]

im sorry your struggling to find some sort of peace you say you cant do this for lack of support from your family well bob everytime you feel down please think of one thing you are doing this for yourself not to mention your chirldren! stay strong for your chirldren they will come around if you do and as low as you feel your not alone some of us who are on this side of the fence suffer dearly with the choices we made to stick by our guys but it does not come with out it's own pain please stay strong prove to your kids you can do this and if you feel alone your not stay strong in your fight i struggle everyday with my husband yet it does not mean i have no feelings towards the other side as well,
Theresa

[keepingthehope]

I am sorry you lost everything before you went for help.  I wish my husband would wise up, because he just used up his last chance and now the kids don't even want him to come back any longer.
Can you explain something to me though, when the drink takes over, what happens to the good person behind the alcohol?  How can it control someone that way?
i am so confused and hurt, and i am looking for some sort of understanding.  
I don't mean to bring up bad memories, but how did you turn out all the love, and support i am sure you were offered? How is it so easy for my husband to say he loves us, than turn around and do the same hurtful things over and over?  Again Bob, i don't mean to seem cruel, but i am so baffled and can't grasp what happened to the man I loved so very dearly.  To face the fact, that we have to go on with life without him, knowing he is suicial, if not that, the drinking and his health issues, caused by the drinking will kill him, long before his time.  How can someone give up their lives, their families, for cheap beer?

[FriaryGrad]

Alcohol is a chemical that changes the brain's chemical structure, and how we process other naturally occurring chemicals, like adrenaline, testosterone, etc.  When the chemical takes over, you are seeing a totally different person.  I'm the alcoholic in my family, and need to disclose that to you, but I think you are seeing his drinking as a choice, rather than as the "psycho-social-physical" disease it has become. I say that it's become a disease because even we alcoholics could drink socially at one time, and make the decision to quit.  Two guys with absolutely the exact same drinking patterns, who matched each other drink for drink over a period of 25 years, can decide to quit drinking on the same day but have totally different experiences when it comes to giving up alcohol. One guy might quit without much trouble, and only miss alcohol during celebrations, and the like.  The second guy might try just as hard, might be just as good a person, with all the will-power in the world, but HIS drinking has, somewhere along the way, turned into a disease, whereas his buddy's drinking didn't.  Alcoholism is just like that. I don't know if it will help you to realize it's not a choice he's making at this point in time, but that he is very ill, and may not be able to make the right choice on his own.  You have to make your own choice, but I think Al-Anon might be good for you.  I am NOT sticking up for your husband; he has to get help and he DOES NOT have to "hit bottom" before he gets treatment.  That's an excuse not to get help today, not a reality.  If you realize he has a disease that will not go away "if he will just quit" --because alcohol is too "cunning, baffling, and powerful"--  maybe YOU will be prodded into a decision that's in your best interest. And just so you'll know, alcoholics who've stopped drinking aren't sensitive. I can't speak for Bob, but I think you can be very blunt in your comments, and it won't offend 95% of alcoholics.  Believe me, we know how much pain and hurt we've caused, and we need to make sure we never forget that alcoholism/addiction isn't just "our problem."  (That's what many of us thought while we were still drinking though.)  I will pray for you from now on, and I'm so sorry for the pain you and your family are suffering. You deserve much better, and I hope your husband can be made to see that he is very ill and must get treatment.  

[MlovesD]

That Bible verse you mentioned really hit home for me. I've been with my boyfriend a year now. I spend too much time trying to justify why I even bothered to stay with him when we've been together such a short time. My answer is so plainly simple. I lost my faith in God, and He sent me my boyfriend. It may sound stupid to some people. Sometimes it feels like I've carried it a bit too far. I mean, I've been dealing with his drinking since I found out about it in the third month of our relationship. He told me then he'd quit, and I always believed him...every time he told me. My girlfriend got fed up with the continuous drama but always told me that when I reached my breaking point to leave, I'd know it. Never happened. I pray ALL the time for strength, patience, wisdom to say and do the right things. I pray for him, of course. And I'm still here with him. I just always believed that God didn't put him in my life just for me to help him out but also to get the love that I've always wanted and deserved. When he's sober and not hungover, which is the majority of our time together now (not then), he's everything I could ever hope for. I really couldn't imagine being happier. I know a lot of you probably feel/felt the same way. When he's not, he only ruins our happiness by turning my lack of trust of him into his lack of trust of me (which is so ludicrous, since I've NEVER done anything to break that trust). That's also the first clue that he's guilty of something. My whole point to this rambling story is that my trust in God is the only thing that keeps me sane, and I just hope and pray that this is His will that I stay and that my boyfriend and I can overcome it together and move onto better days. Go ahead and sign me Young and Naive. :)

[scaredtodeath1]

First to Peggy64....the Joyce Meyers book is Awesome!  I would suggest everyone read it!

My mother was an alcoholic and passed away this year from the effects of drinking.  It was extremely hard CHOICE to forgive her and not hold her past mistakes against her.  My mother was a very bitter person who held resentment and anger toward everyone who has harmed her.  I prayed, and prayed that the Lord could deliver me from the feelings that I had toward her, he did.  I can say that even though she tried up to the day that she died to pick fights with me, I held on to the Lords word and did not allow her bad feelings to filter into my life.  Something that makes it easier for me to continue to keep those feelings at bay are reminding myself that the Devil is going to constantly try to bring up those hurts to keep me from being happy in the Word of the Lord.  When I realized that it is just that stinken devil and pray to the Lord, then those feelings go away.  

I have also been in a relationship with a man now for the past 4 years, he was a cocaine and alcohol addict, he stopped all of it with the help of the Lord and has been clean for 8 months now.  We are also getting married in two weeks.  No resentment, no anger, no hurt feelings are being held as a result of what he put me through.  

You need to truely forgive them in your heart, just as the Lord forgives you.  The Lord forgives and it is forgotten!!

[peggy64]

You are truly amazing. How wonderful that you have allowed the Lord to work through you in this manner. And thank you for sharing it with us. Be blessed!!