Keep having fights...

My partner is a daily drinker who sips constantly from the time he wakes until, quite often, til 4 or 5 AM.  I have reason to believe he snorts prescription sedatives (valium) or sometimes cheap cocaine, perhaps Ketamine.  He can go into black outs.

I have learned to just let him be after a rough patch where I called an ambulence once when I thought he was schizing (eyes rolling, stuttering, imbalance);  he went wild and it took us months to restore peace to our home.

What has happened more and more is that I try to engage him to get to the bottom of an insult he has made to me or to the bottom of an illogical statement he has made.  A recent example is that he blacked out hours before we were to go on vacation and so hustling to get to the airport fell to me.  We had hundreds of pounds of luggage and of course lost some of it;  our digital camera bag with thousands of dollars in equipment.  

He blamed me and I got very upset and took it as an opportunity to get to the bottom of why he has so little regard for me.  Of course the fight escalated and he tore my shirt off trying to get me to leave the room.

I love him and want your advice on what to do.  How do you fill in the blanks for someone who was in a black out when an event happened --  or do you ever?  How do you avoid anger when the blanks lead the drinker to accusations that aren't true?  How can I deal with my temper over the illogics?

[MlovesD]

I'm only going to comment on a part of what you said. It's been my experience that the accusations made by the drinker are due to the guilt he feels for drinking. When my boyfriend drinks, he starts blaming me for being secretive. That's not because he really believes that I'm lying to him but because he's lying to me. That's how I avoid anger, because I know it's not about me at all but about his guilt and shame. If he's not in the state of mind to have a discussion, then let it be and talk to him when he's sober and lucid. Good luck!

[ready2help]

There are so many things to respond to in your message that I almost didn't respond at all.

Based on the questions you are posing, I believe you have missed the point entirely. The questions you are asking are irrelevant, in my opinion. Forget about your partner and figuring him out. I suggest you spend your energy on looking to yourself and why you remain in this unhealthy and POTENTIALLY LETHAL relationship.

But to answer one of your questions: Whatever he says or does in a blackout is his responsibility 100% - because he knows he will potentially blackout before he takes the first drink - - - and you will never get over your anger until one of two things happens: Either 1. you set boundaries and remove yourself from this dangerous relationship, or 2. your partner dies of his/her disease of alcoholism, either through an accident, overdose, or alcohol-related disease.

Are you willing to die over this man because you "love" him so much? Do you realize that you are "loving him to death" by enabling him? Please forgive me if this comes across in a harsh way. But I am hoping to give you a wake-up call or at least plant the seed. Please, please, please, do yourself a favor and start going to Alanon regularly - they will help you to deal with your tragic situation, as living with an alcoholic or addict always is.

Good luck.

[Bob_D]

Dear troy,

Let me second everything that poster "ready2help" said.

Although I can't know for certain,I am guessing you may have severe self-esteem problems (I am not blaming you, you understand) if you are willing to stay in a relationship with someone who is unavailable to you because his first love is alcohol and you are unwilling to deliver any ultimatums to him (AA, rehab, separation, etc) to force his behavior to change,

No, you do not "fill in the blanks" for his blackouts. And you can't "fix him". Yes,
go to Alanon. And get used to a life of misery until something radically changes.

[LORDINEEDHELP]

i myself had made the choice to stand by my marriage of 18 years and my husband does have a big problem with alachol i dont handel the lies and the anger very well i two feel used and weak and find myself trying to hard to get answers i probrally wont ever get!considering he also tries to say its me with the control problem !yet i only want control over what im loosing not what he should or shoul not be doing yet it has never gotton to the point of tearing shirts off me or hurting me physically but i will be the first to say it is hurting me in alot of ways and i already had self esteme issues and sadley they have gotten worse maybe fear of being alone after 18 plus years or just plain stupidity on my part(but deep down i have been a great mother friend and a wife and not even an alacholic can change that unless you let them) im guilty myself of falling for it ! but never the less it is there we argue fight yell scream mostly me may i add my husband is a kind person and there has only been one time where i got so mad i hit him not to say i was right cause i dont condone that **** from eaither of us but i did not intend to hit him i just felt so much rage at the moment of him lying and making up excuesses on why i should be alright with what my teen kids are seeing i know deep down he knows the truth he has a problem and i get it no one can help them unless it is them so we can stay and put ourselves through so much befoe we damage our own selves more in the process i have seen both sides im depressed and a basket case with anaxiety and honestly sometimes it has not been worth how i feel today i just recently started to get councling for myself as well as looking into alanon i wish you well and if you need a friend or just want to vent im here for you i wish you well and some one on this site said to me once take a moment in each day to look at yourself and do something positive for your self !! it help, when all our eneregy goes to help the ones who hurt us the most
my thoughts are with you
Theresa