This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
So, my husband picked me up from work today and I'm already tired and stressed from a long day and when I turned to talk to him, immediately smelled the alcohol on his breath. He already was starting to drive so I told him to pull over and let me drive. He said he wasn't intoxicated snd got mad when I started asking him about it. He wound up speeding through a yellow light that was turning red. I was hoping mad at this point.
He claims he's not drinking while watching our son but I just don't feel like I can believe him or trust him.
I don't know what to do anymore. He's not falling down drunk but I can tell he's drinking.
He's gotten so arrogant about it this last year. There's no remorse. He just gets mad and clams up, saying he's not going to talk about it with me.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of all of this. I feel so alone sometimes.
How much longer are you going to live in his addiction? He isnt making any plans at all to stop this behavior. He is crossing into the careless violent stage now. He doesnt have to be falling down drunk to be an alcoholic....Threats, guilt trips etc will not work. Until he is ready to stop there is NOTHING you can do for him, all you can do is take care of you. This all boils down to how much longer you are going to live like this. You hold the key that will unlock those chains that are binding you. We have mentioned Alanon many times.....what have you got to lose April?
You say I have thic key to unlock the chains, Sarah, and I don't even know what that means.
I know there is nothing I can do for him and I am trying to take care of me.
I have no where to go and no one really who can help me. I have one friend who says maybe I should leave or make him leave but I don't have anywhere to go or the money really.
I have another friend who says as a Christian I need to stay as long as he isn't violent, which he isn't and never has been.
I don't know what's the best thing to do. I'm trying to take care of me and the kids as best as I can. I'm sorry I posted this. I feel very vulnerable right now. I shouldn't have shared so much. If someone could delete this thread I'd appreciate it. I was really tired last night and I guess feeling a little alone and looking for someone to talk to
who would understand. Some of my friends don't
understand because they haven't gone through
I didn't like the Al Anon I tried before but I guess I will just have to find something or someone to talk to. I'm going to try to get ahold of the counselor I talked to before too.
I've always had to be the strong one, the one everyone counts on, the one everyone depends on, even in my extended family. Sometimes I just wish I could have someone to lean on for a change.
I will find an Al Anon, thank you.
You can lean on us April and you know that. Noone is against you here. We are just telling you what we know to be true and that is to take care of you. Havent i always been truthful with you? I know there are things i have said that you dont like to hear but you know me well enough that i wont glamorize this or make excuses.....Keep talking to us~~sara
Taking care of you means setting boundaries and enforcing them along with finding ways to live independently of your husband - even if you both occupy the same home. No, you can't trust your husband so you have to behave accordingly - as if he is drunk all the time. That means finding another way to get to and from work. That also means finding someone else to help with childcare. Maybe it means taking control of family finances if you haven't done tht already. If you suspect he's drinking and driving, call the police and report him. Let them deal with him and prove whether he is or isn't drunk.
The world won't come to an end if you stop trying to take care of everyone else's problems. Really! In my experience, people do what they're going to do anyway, no matter what others have to say about it or how how much assistance and advice are offered. It's not selfish, rude, wrong, illegal or immoral to say "no" once in a while and let others find their own paths while you work on your own life.
As for the Christian angle of marriage, I beg to differ with your friend's advice and standing strong as long as your husband isn't violent. Active alcoholics and addicts introduce evil into a marriage and that's a deal-breaker. Note that I said "active." So there's no harm, no foul on you as a Christian for walking away. Abuse doesn't have to be physical or violent to be abuse, and your husband is abusing you, his family and his marriage vows by ignoring his alcoholism.
Doesn't the arrogance about it just GET you?? My husband is at that point, too. Just wanted you to know I care and can relate. No words of wisdom, I'm afraid, but great advice from the others. This, on top of the frustration at work is really getting you down, April, I hear how tired and frustrated you are. A good place to start taking some control would be to assume your husband has been drinking each time he picks you up so you will have to drive home no matter how tired you are. Just take it as a given.
I've had to adjust to a lot of change too due to my husbands addiction and I know how draining it can be when you're already doing your very best.
I have known a lot of people dealing with not only their partner's alcoholism but also the guilt of justifying their decision to move on with their commitment to their church/ and the views of divorce involved with religion. Whatever spiritual denomination you claim, I just want to say that nobody under no circumstance should have to tolerate continued abuse or unhealthy situations caused by another's addiction. Part of us being involved in life gives us the ability to make choices, we are not responsible for another's actions, we are only responsible for our own.
Just like an alcoholic has to be willing to go to any lengths to get sober, we too, need to be willing to go to any lengths to achieve happiness and to gain ourselves back to help support our families and loved ones around us.
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