This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
I have never posted on here before. First off, I feel like I am the only one in the world that is dealing with this, but I am pretty sure I am not alone! My Husband showed me signs of narcissism and alcoholism from the beginning and I chose to ignore them. We now have two very young children. My Husband has struggled with alcohol but does not believe that he is an alcoholic. This is because he can go weeks if not months without drinking. In the last six months, he has repeatedly gone on alcohol binges and not come home for days at a time. We own a business together, and he has blown off contracts because of these binges. the last time this happened, after discussing my desire to separate with my mom several ti.mes and her not understanding why, I finally decided to tell my family the truth an let them know that I was dealing with an alcoholic. When my Husband decided he wanted to come home, I informed him that my whole family knew, but had his back and wanted him to get help, but that they would only support that if he got help. He lasted a whole 6 weeks, and here I am, in the middle of the night again, and my Husband is nowhere to be found. I swore, after telling my family that this would be the last time. That if I keep letting him come home, he will think that the door is always open. he is an INCREDIBLE father, but I feel that my emotional being has complete gone haywire because all I do is worry about him. I am willing to drop the business (which I cant run without him) and move on, but I KNOW how much he adores me and the children that I keep letting him back in our lives. I know you will all probably say to leave ASAP, but from my point of view, the good outweighs the bad. I feel very out of control and helpless. Please, has anybody felt like this before?
I feel for you, and rest assured, you are NOT alone. I was married for 34 years to my husband who was the same way. I stayed because I knew how much he loved our 5 children, we separated a lot throughout our marriage, it got tiresome and old. I will tell you this, they do NOT change unless they have a reason to, plus I found out from my grown children that you do the kids NO favors by sticking around for them, because even though you are there, they are seeing a dysfunctional marriage and will likely grow up falling into the same cycle in their relationships. I do not encourage divorce, I do encourage you to seek godly counsel for yourself, my relationship with God is what got me through it all, painful as it was. My ex husband actually divorced me after all those years I stood by him. ( he had several affairs throughout the marriage) and when he filed for divorce, it was all MY fault. Alcoholic always put the blame on other people, it is always someone else's fault for all their problems. You are the one who suffers the most as you are married to him, and they always hurt the one closest to them because he knows you love him unconditionally. You were meant to be his help-mate, not his kicking post. (physical, or emotional its the same) I will pray for you, that God will give you guidance, and wisdom to take action acorrdingly. God Bless.
You sound like my mom when she was younger. I'm an only child and my dad has had his own businesses throughout my life. Worried1966 is right on with this comment
"I will tell you this, they do NOT change unless they have a reason to, plus I found out from my grown children that you do the kids NO favors by sticking around for them, because even though you are there, they are seeing a dysfunctional marriage and will likely grow up falling into the same cycle in their relationships."
I'm the child of the mom who stuck around because she knew how much dad loved both of us. He has never quit drinking, and as of this past week I have had to cut him out of my life. At 35 I am almost 2 1/2 years sober after drinking for 20 years. I had to get his presence out of my life, despite his love for me, because his continued drinking brings more problems to my life that I am sick and tired of dealing with. If you were my friend asking advice, I would suggest seeing a counselor. I go to my old university but a lot of schools offer sliding scale fees for couples therapy. You could go talk and get an assessment of what is going on with him as an individual and what can be done about the two of you working something out together. He may struggle with this his whole life, he may change. I say that because I am one of the rare few who did change. It's worth having an objective 3rd party present to be able discuss things like adults in a safe environment where you can speak freely. Maybe he wants to quit, maybe he'll be like my dad and never be ready to give it up. I truly wish you the best.
Hon, I have walked the same walk and do so now after 33 years of marriage. My husband was an alcoholic and finally we were able to get him diagnosed as bipolar. A lot of people self medicate to deal with it and do not even know they have a mental illness. With medication it is much better, but never perfect. they call it a dual diagnoses...just a thought!
I'm interested in how you got your husband diagnosed? I'm familiar with Dual Diagnoses, I'm an addict (2.5 yrs clean today!) and I have depression, GAD and PTSD. My dad's younger brother was diagnosed Bi-Polar II and did well with medication. Unfortunately his addiction to alcohol took his life at 50 years old, he never could stay away from the booze and toward the end it was his whole life. My mom and I have always thought my dad fit the criteria, but he refuses to stop drinking for more than a few days when he's hung over and recovering. He'd NEVER let a doctor diagnose him!
That's why I am genuinely curious, and really happy for both you and your husband that you got an answer!
I'm a recovering alcoholic sober now over 11 years and my life's better. I recently lost a father(82) and brother(57). They both had long alcoholic careers and I'm currently going to alanon to deal with the effects of extended exposure to them and the effects of alcoholism that still ring through the surviving family members. I feel a big difference and I hope you go to one and feel the relief I've felt.
Just wanted to check in and let you know that there is an excellent faction of Alcoholics Anonymous called Adult Children of Alcoholics that deal with the effects of "extended exposure", as well as Al-Anon. I never went to Al-Anon, because it was long after the fact, and I was dealing with past sadistic and psychological abuse. Maybe it would help some of you, in a different way than Al-Anon? Prayers to all of you suffering from as the families of Alcoholics!!
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