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is it wrong to leave?
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This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.

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is it wrong to leave?

I have been married to an alcholic for almost 4 years and lived with him for 7.  it progressively gets worse.  about 3 years ago i went to his parents for help as he was unemployed, never left the bedroom, racking up credit card debt on alcohol and such and just really putting us in the hole over his problems (mainly alcohol).  his parents said they would help but they really just went behind my back and told him how "obusrd" i was for requesting he never drink and told him how his body has to relax (meaning dont get a job, you have to relax...he is now 29).  His mom actually requested that we divorce over my actions.  He drinks about 60 beers and 2 medium bottles of liquor (pints, maybe) in one week.  they never see him drunk as he really does nothing but work at this point.  Now he has a phenominal job and works 10 hrs per day, comes home and gets drunk and completely ignores me.  Now we have a 2 yr old and another baby due on halloween.  when he is here he is drunk...or getting there.  he leaves all housework to me, doesnt even try to clean up after himself.  every single day i ask him to stop throwing his cans on the floor as he can just throw them in the trash can next to the fridge when he gets his next one.  it never stops.  I have to make sure I am up before my son to clean up his alcohol mess.  Now I am 36 weeks pregnant and on monday night (35 weeks at the time) he got so drunk he took a shower sitting in the tub with the shower curtain open, fell asleep with the shower hitting him and flooded two floors of our house.  he really wants to move so I spent the last 7 weeks completely renovating our house as he sat on his butt and watched tv and drank to make sure it would sell...and to be done before I hit 35 weeks.  it is all destroyed!!!  two ceilings, three floors, 4 walls and a ceiling in a bathroom tile floor, carpet...  he had no idea he did it.  he got up in the morning, saw the flood, didnt even come wake me up...just left.  he wanted to make sure he got out the door before I made him stay home from work to clean it up.  He left me 35.5 weeks pregnant to TAKE OFF OF MY OWN JOB to clean for over 5 hours this flood that was caused by his alcohol!  I am at my witts end.  I have no idea what to do.  I am tired, but I love him.  He is doing nothing to help me out.  he has volunteered to go 3 hrs away for the next 3 weeks...until 39 weeks and possibly 2 more after that, knowing that I am having a hard time moving around, taking care of our son, and all of the housework myself, knowing that our house now needs major repairs before baby is born, and knowing that I cant drive myself to the hospital or take care of our son while I am in labor.  he said that I can "do it myself" or people from the hospital willhave no choice but to help me, but his work needs him and no one can take his place.  His parents again say this is normal and they will help me with getting to the hosptial.  they seem to help him find "a way out" of all of his family obligations.  And worse, I blame myself.  I feel like i am the selfish one, wanting help.  I convince myself this is a normal way to live.  to do all of his chores while he lays around every second he is home drinking.  I want to leave but it is my house and should I leave he will not pay the bills since they are all in my name but he wont leave either.  I just feel stuck!!!  I also feel bad thinking I am taking the easy way out by leaving him when he really needs someone.  but if I stay he will just continue to take advantage of me and never try to help himself.   confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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209987_tn?1334790318
It's a long one! lol
I'm in the same boat as you honey!! I have no idea why I'm with him. I know love makes us do strange things but...
Mine was so thrilled about becoming a daddy...yet he didn't help me at all...he even got mad when the ob/gyn had told him that he couldn't drink for the last few weeks of pregnancy if he wanted to come into the delivery room. They don't allow anyone with alcohol on their breath in at this hospital. So the bleepity-bleep would sneek a beer here and there and take the chance of not being able to come in. As it turned out I had to be induced...so he just made sure that he didn't drink that morning! UGH!!
His parents are a couple of closet drinkers too...and so of course they all make excuses for him. His brother drinks and does drugs, but says bad things about my hubby for his drinking...??? They're all a bunch of bleepity-bleeps.Then they all try to tell me that it's MY problem because I should chill out and drink.
Alcoholism can be hereditary...I don't touch the junk...half of my family is that way.
Why do I stay??? Same reason you are staying...love??? Maybe...but I think we are just punishing ourselves and for some stupid reason we think we deserve it...or maybe it's because we are afraid to leave and start over...
Don't feel guilty!! If you have the courage and strength to do it then go!! I wish I did!!
I'm one of those that thinks "one more stupid thing and I'm out of here!"
My dad is a drunk...my mom got tired of the abuse when I was 7. She would move us in and out of his home all the time.As soon as she had saved enough money we would pack up and leave...when she ran out of money we would move back in with him...it was sickening. Finally when I was 12 she decided that she had had enough and filed for a divorce. I admire her strength and courage. She taught me that you should never try to stay with a drunk just because of the children...and she was right. I wish she would have left sooner. All those sleepless nights...screaming and yelling...the stench...awful.

It helps to think this way:
Does he REALLY want help?
Is there a possibility that he may go and get help?
How long will you wait?
At least mine now admits that he has a problem and he's asked me for help...but he won't follow my advice...or try to help himself. He'll do really well for awhile...but then...
Beer makes him: feel better...makes other people more interesting...takes the stress away...blah blah blah...we've all heard every excuse.
Anyway...if you are serious about leaving him, don't feel guilty about leaving because he needs help.  Most drunks don't want help. They don't think they have a problem...they think YOU have the problem.
My dad has gone through a few women...they all leave because of the drinking...and two of them were drinkers! One was worse than him and the second one was a closet drinker...He does not want to be helped. He says it cures his ulcers to drink...blah blah blah...
Read the book ' one million and one excuses' a drinkers manual...oh? You say there isn't any such book? Well there should be...I feel as though I've read it a thousand times before...I know every excuse off by heart now. lol
Good luck to you and all of us who really need it.
Remember:
Don't let them make you feel guilty.
They CHOOSE to drink...you do not FORCE them to do it.
If you can honestly say that you have tried,and know in your heart that you did try...then you have done all you could do.
Don't let others tell you that you deserve it for staying with these people. You stay out of love and compassion...you do NOT deserve to be hurt or ridiculed by anyone, especially by the people that are on the sidelines trying to figure out why you are there in the first place. It's none of their business unless you make it their business. They don't realize that these people might not have been that way when you met...or maybe they were,but maybe they hid it quite well,but by then you were in love.
If you stay because they promise they will change and they haven't made any steps to change...it's probably time to move on.
There is a thin line between abuse and love.
Most drunks DO remember what they have said and done...and they don't care.
My husband and father have both told me this drunk and sober...must be true.
I know I drank my fair share when I became legal age...I would do stuff drunk that I would NEVER try when I was sober...like have sex with some guy that I hardly knew...yet the next morning I would remember EXACTLY what I had done...but blamed it on the booze and got on with my life...and that's what these guys are doing to us.
Keep in mind that they've been drinking so long that they are accustomed to it. You have one or two and you're falling and drooling all over yourself...they have 9 or 10 and think they can still drive...
They found blood in my dad's alcohol stream one time. lol. Sorry, just a little joke, but it helps put the point across.
My dad was driving sober once...and he hit a barn!!! He is so used to drinking and driving that he can no longer drive sober! In fact, my dad cannot function at all anymore without booze. He is 70 years old...and has been telling us that he can quit any time he wants to since I was 7 years old!! He's been in rehab 3 times...his "friends" snuck beer into his room because they felt bad for him!!! Those are friends???
He finally said last year that he needed help to quit drinking because he's dieing,his liver,the doctor however said that would be a bad idea...people that have drank for that many years will die of a heart attack if they quit...that is what we were told. He said that very few older drunks can survive what their bodies will be put through when trying to quit.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi there. I am also married to an alcoholic. Both he and I are BP. His drinking almost killed him. Last year he was in the hospital due to Pancreatitis. He was in a coma like state for three months. He was doing great after he got out. In the past few months he has started to drink to excess again. All day, every day. He spent all his weekly money on alcohol, so we had no groceries. I left. I didn't want to, but I told him that I couldn't stay there and watch him kill himself. His drinking was affecting my depression and making me suicidal. Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. I can only imagine it would be even harder for you. Or you may have to kick him out. Tell him he needs to go to rehab. You can even contact A & E, because they help you have an intervention. You need to take care of you, your son and you child to be. I am sorry that your in-laws do not believe that he has a problem. I would contact Al-anon. Going to meetings really helped me to understand that even though alcoholism is a disease it is also a choice they make to not get better. And boy do I wish that we could make them get better. You are not alone. You have support here. Please post back and let me know how you are.
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757137_tn?1347200053
Do you really have to ask our advice? You know the answer.

I know of three young women who were involved with drunks. All of  the men were were on the wagon when the relationships started so their partners were unaware of the problem. One of the couples married. Ultimately all of the relationships were terminated by the women. Two of the men have since died. One cut his head when fell down unconscious from drink. Because he was drunk he bled to death from a relatively minor wound. Another was in a fatal drunk driving accident.

These things never end well. But you know that. I do wonder why you had a second baby with someone you knew was a drunk....
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