This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
my husband is an alcohlic. he usually works out of town, and on christmas day after hearing his phone receiving texts all day i finally comfronted him only to find out that he had been living a double life for the past six months. I was destroyed, my whole life ended and actually i almost ended my life two days later. he said it was so easy to be with her, that he got to do things, go out to pubs, go fishing, have fun.
we have two kids and ive been isolated for so long. working harder everyday to look prettier making the house cleaner or the children quieter. when i tried to kill myself it was my husband who found me, he came back to me and when he was drunk he would tell me how upset he was, that it was suppose to be his time to think. but he had moved directly in with her.
we went away for a few days after the incendent, he was telling me that we were going to work everything out that he loved me. but he drank, is usually 26 of vodka and then a mickey one night and i found his phone. she had been texting him saying that "how do i know you will actually leave your wife, i dont. and i dont want to be hurt again"
omg i cant tell you how the pain of all this feels. Ive lost 23 pounds in three weeks and cant even keep down water. I went to see a counsellor one day when i was low. that helped but it wasnt good news, they told me it would get worse that i needed to be alright for myself and my girls.
ive been talking to his parents and their going to come here in a few days. their great people but they said that its time. they want us all to tell him for the last time that were not goign to take it anymore and that were here to support him if he decides to quit but we cant be hurt anymore. and that were all going to be backing away if he chooses to keep drinking.
Im dying, two nights ago i couldnt keep it together. im so exhausted.. even a towel out of place is enough for him to freak out.. and trying to keep the kids quit is almost impossible.. i couldnt help it, i told him i couldnt do this anymore, I asked him what he would do if we all backed away? i gave him back his rings. and i told him some of the stuff they told me at couselling... that im not the cause and she's not the cure. he was mad, he said "do you really thing everything bad in our life is because of the drinking?" i told him yes absolutely it was. he told me that he wouldnt drink and i would see.. i asked him to talk to the alcohol cousellor but he says he wont untill he's reached two weeks.. not sure what that is about...he thinks he can do this on his own because he quit cocain two years ago without help.
last night he didnt drink. i put everything kind of pop juice and snack in the house that i could think of. he usually drinks atleast a 26 of vodka a night. but he didnt last night.. i dont want to get my hopes up.. not use whats going to happen now.. what is going to happen.???? and mostly what is he feeling??? does he love me? ive been watching him drink for weeks, acting love sick over this girl. but how can his feeling for her be true when he was living a lie? i know i shouldnt be thinking about myself, but i love him so much and i wonder if he's still goign to love me even if he manages to quit? what can i do to help him? we were walking on egg shells all night last night.. trying not to set him back...
anyone, can anyone tell me whats going to happen.. please help me
Hello there! I'm so sorry you're going through this! It must be very hard.
Something very very important...did he drink every single day? If so, he should NOT be stopping drinking abruptly, he needs to be safely detoxed in a medical environment. Alcohol w/d is very dangerous.
That being said, we have two great forums here dealing specifically with alcoholism. I think your thread would be better suited for the "living with an alcoholic" forum. I'm going to see if we can get it moved there for you. Also check out the other Alcoholism forum as well.
Very best to you! I hope he's able to get sober and you can repair your family. Remember that HE has to want it and HE has to do it. Please look into alanon...you need to learn how this has affected you and the girls, and how you have contributed (with enabling or codependency). Please continue to get help for yourself...you DO need to work on what you're going through, both for yourself, and for your children.
I am very sorry to hear about your situation. You have been put through so much and it is all his fault. A direct result of drinking and selfishness. I don't mean to speak ill of your husband but you deserve better than this!
If you’re not convinced alcoholics are selfish just think of all the times he spent money on alcohol that should have went for things the family needed. Staying home drinking with none or little participation in his children’s after school activities. Again staying home or out drinking while you take care of running all the errands. How about a night out for just you to places that don't serve alcohol. Then the worst of all, this other lady, living his life like he were single doing anything he wants with little regard as to how his actions impact you or your family.
Does any of this sound familiar or do I have it wrong? After 20+ years of drinking I learned a lot. I drank as much as the worst of them. 23 beers a day the last couple of years I drank. $600 a month but I didn't treat my wife badly or my children. I was far from perfect and still am. You sound like such a nice lady and I am so sorry you have gone through so much because you love him but are you sure you want to forgive him or do you think you can?
Taking you own life because someone else treats you badly is NOT the answer. You are by far the best thing your kids have in their life. They need you and I bet you need them. It might seem impossible to consider right now but there are better men in the world that would sure appreciate what a great person you are.
What if the situation were reversed, does he have it in him to forgive you, or go through the lengths that you have to keep making this thing work? I hate to see any marriage come to an end and I hope everything will work out to be perfect for you and the kids but it's just my opinion it will always be one thing after another with him and you deserve better! You should be thinking about yourself and he should be the one walking on egg shells!
I usually don't answer posts in this group because I just can't offer as good advice as many of the others but after reading what you had to say I felt like I had to at least make sure you knew that you and the kids deserve much better from him and he should be kissing your A**!
thank you for writing, he's on day four without drinking.. he's pale and snaps at me on occassion but ive been pretty much staying out of the way. i tried to put my arm over him while he was sleeping and he rolled over ..so i just left. i know i sound pathetic, but i dont want to set him back.. my mind is still all messed up. can someone come back from this and make thier family alright again. did you? I asked him last night if he wanted to take us ice fishing like we did last weekend .. it was great but he was still drinking .. but he said it would be to sloshy so im considering just taking my girls and maybe seeing what friends of mine are up to... which is mind blowing and scary for me. i usually spend every second with him. who do you think he would think about that? would it set him back?
You've said one very telling thing here " I know I shouldn't be thinking about myself " and that is so not true. You tried to kill yourself because of your husband's addictions and his cheating, so you most definitely must start thinking of yourself. No body that is hurting you to this extent is worth ending you life for, and leaving your kids motherless. Where in God's name would they be without you? Have you gone to Alanon? You really need to learn how not to enable him or be codependent. You need all the help in the world that is available to you. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells, as Rpoo said, he should be kissing your *** is right!!!! I'm wondering if you went away this last weekend or not?
I'm so sorry your going thru this and trust me when I say this... its not your fault. I grew up with people who drank and lost my mom. I'm an ex bar tender who seen it every day. What he is doing is not your fault. My great uncle almost drank himself to death. Beat his wife. And she stayed because she loved him and knew it wasn't him.. it was there booze. He hit me on Xmas eve 2011 over something.g stupid. I got a call and rushed him to the hospital. Test came back his body was completely saturated with booze and was starting to shut Down.. he saw the pain in everyone. And he has been sober and healthy since new years 2012. He drank like my mom did. Gin no ice no mixers not even water... so yes people can turn around from it.. but its very hard and painful. Not many can do it.. you have to do what best not just for you but for your kids. They don't need to grow up seeing their daddy like this and mean to mom. Not OK.
You need to save YourSelf and Your Children!!
With or without HIS recovery - You and Your Children NEED Recovery!!
This I know is true!!
I grew up with an Alcoholic Mother and a Sober Father who Never left Her.
This situation has PROFOUND affects on the Partner to the Alcoholic AND to the Children who are "trying" to grow up admist all this dysfunction and chaos. This is total Crisis and Chaos for Your Children, as well as for You - BUT - YOU are the adult who CAN change Their future. Change it!! PLEASE!!
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