Can't cope with the nasty side of people

[bernie40]

Is it just me?  I realise that nobody likes being on the receiving end of a loved one or a close friend being horrid.  The thing is I completely go to pieces.  It's the reason I tend to not form close friendships anymore, I stick to the people I've known for years and years.  I thought I'd be safer making friends via the internet - penpals - but now even thats proved to be just as risky.

I've been on the receiving end of a nasty email and it's cut me to the quick, makes me want to curl up under my duvet and not come out and not speak to anyone ever again.  A complete over reaction - yes I agree.

I know you have to take the good with the bad in all relationships but I just can't deal with people being mean to me in any form.  Whenever someone is mean it just reinforces my belief that it's just not worth having friends.

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from here?  I hate admitting all of this because I see it as a weakness, spent my life being told I'm over sensitive etc etc.

[bernie40]

I think I learned a lesson over the last couple of days.  It's one I've learned before but had obviously forgotten.  Knee-jerk reactions are not the best :-s.  Once the initial hurt and confusion had passed and I'd had time to calm down I was able to see past "myself" (if that makes sense).

I had to decide whether I was strong enough and in for the long haul.  I put myself in their shoes and realised how terribly sad I would be if I weren't given another chance.  I reminded myself of all the times others have had to give me another chance.

Yes having BP does make things a bit skewy at times.  It's difficult to make yourself take a couple of steps back and view things logically but that's what I did.

We have all said, at various times, throughout the forum about how difficult we find it to trust and maintain friendships.  I thought about my friend and realised that she is a very special person and one that I don't want to lose from my life.  What kind of friend would I be to walk away just because she hurt my feelings.  I care about her too much to let that happen.  

Thanks to everyone who was there to see me through those initial hurtful hours and for the words of wisdom and support.

[Alex_X_18]

I agree with what most folks are saying on here
Its hard to get close to people when you have bp its like theirs this barrier
holding you back.
Even people I have known for years can't seem to understand my BP.
I look at all of my close friends and I see a pattern
they are all eaither have bad social skills or are loners or have medical problems
and despite all this I still need to watch what happens around them in terms of bp
to make sure they don't think im messed up
bipolar just makes me feel sensitive or socially awquard really
I have lost sevral potentially solid friendships due to this.
the worst problems are when it comes to close boyfriend relationships and roomates
because when someone gets close enough to see your eating habits or sleep cycle
they realise how messed up you are

[LetaB]

  Yes. I agree that we have to know how much  emotional weight we can bear. It's just that I have seen this sentiment represented here and rarely see one that takes the other side. I believe I have been that whiny emotional bully to my missing best friend. I was in a desperate situation at the time and had no one else to talk to. Now I see how she had a few of her own problems - mental, emotional, and otherwise and I pushed her way too hard. Also I am very isolated and far too sensitive so I know how easy it is to slip into my unhappy position. I'll be the first one to tell you that some things are unforgivable - cruel things done to my children for instance - so I'm not advocating that we just let everything slide only that we think twice before we leap to judgement. We can hurt ourselves that way too. I've been told that my exfriend misses me but I have tried and there appears to be no way for me to reconcile with her. It is a warning.

[lagatta]

I completely understand where you are coming from in your post  - "I try not to see people as "them". I mean the "us" and "them’.   Also forgiveness needs to be a factor here. Some people's senses of humour are so cynical and sarcastic. Let's not write people off without due warrant."  

That is completely true.  I try to look at people's motives before I write them off.  Some people have good hearts but cannot convey their thoughts in a thoughtful manner.  I believe one needs to make allowances for that, however, sometimes if these remarks hurt so much and it cannot be worked out then it's better to let that friendship go.  

I have a friend who is extremely demanding.  I was feeling overwhelmed by her requests.  She also speaks off the top of her head without censoring her remarks.  She is a good person and I try to let things slide.  Recently though, she made a remark that was too upsetting for me to let go.  I approached her with my feelings and we worked things out.  We are close and I am lucky that she cares enough about our friendship to work it out.  Had she not validated my concerns though, I'm not sure that my obsessive-compulsive nature would let it go because her comments kept coming up over and over in head.  

What I am trying to say is that I believe we should give people a chance but if it hurts too much then it is not worth it.

On another note, I do have to be careful that I am not over-reacting.  Between being sensitive and being BPII, I know I can skew things and blow them out of proportion.  

[bernie40]

I am overwhelmed by all of your responses and thank you.  

Leta you really hit the nail on the head, it's true that when I look around my friends they are nearly all BP or other mood disorder.  I've learned never to bear grudges and with people I've known a long time I've gone on the premise 'forgive and forget'.  We are all human after all.

In this instance I am giving a huge 'benefit of the doubt', sadly it looks as though the friendship has come to an end, but I may be being premature.

Once again thanks for the support and shared experiences.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Yeah I have trouble making getting close to people as well and stick to friendships that have lasted for years but then I have really bad trust issues.

[zzzmykids]

Dear bulldozer,
I understand about in here because I rarely get just what's up or how are yous, but I'm sure the length of time in here is  helpful the longer in here.
When in large groups, I hide my uncomfortableness by being gregarious.  This turns off a LOT of people.  At our own home I am "normal" because I can go to my bedroom if I need to and I know everyone here at our home and the guests.
I have long term intimate friends, most female. Some guys who know the depression themselves because of drug addiction and coping with staying off of them and another that lost three of his family in one year and was my boss on suicide hotline years ago, both these guys can help pull me up and don't nag or yell at me.  My sister is the worst and prior to last November she  didn't speak to me for three years.
My friends have grown tired of the side effects of the drugs or the disorder.  Once I was a self confident person and now I just crumble and go to bed when my youngest daughter or good friend get on my case.
I begin to think, here, and in real life I will never fit in, again.  But I have this incurable hope that life will become bright again and my discernment will see peace in others rather than judgment.
Bulldozer, I am so thankful you answer my questions and put yourself out there. I am thankful that you started the  group, correct?
Hang in there, your wanting to help others and helping us, well that in itself is being a friend.
Thank you,
zzzmykids

[LetaB]

I try not to see people as "them". I mean the "us" and "them" game goes on here night and day in this town and I don't want to contribute to it. Also forgiveness needs to be a factor here. Emails are to easy to press "send" and THEN you think of what you've written. Some people's senses of humor are so cynical and sarcastic (moi) and words without a voice behind them can come out the wrong way - like mine often do. Let's not write people off without due warrent. We isolate ourselves one person at a time I think.

[bastet56]

I know how you feel. I had to terminate a 18yr long friendship because I was sick and tired of being hurt by snide emails and comments made by a person who used to be a very close friend.
I talk to a lot of people but I can't say I have friends. The only people I am close to are family. New people are hard to get to know and old ones know too much and use it against you.

[jst4shanell]

I always follow the sayings " Don't cast your pearls before swine" and " You are who you hang with".  Make's me think about the people I want to let into my life.

[lagatta]

I'm the same way.  I'm very sensitive to the needs of others and get easily hurt.  

True friends are hard to come by but I think it's even harder for sensitive people to make friends. We can only be around others that are kind, compassionate and sensitive.  Our skins just aren't thick enough to be able to handle ignorant, unkind, mean spirited people.  

[ILADVOCATE]

I don't know. I can't deny that I do have occasional mood variances ("recovered" does not mean cured) but even before my recovery (when I could be blatantly psychotic on occassion) if I saw things in other people's lives that concerned me and they were impacting on me I did sometimes suggest they seek counseling and the results were positive. I just learned I had to put it in a supportive way and not play diagnostician. But I have not done that since recovery. One thing I did learn is even if someone doesn't have issues if they are a mean spirited manipulative person if they made you feel bad about yourself then they (in their mind) "accomplished" something. I learned that the best reactions were not passive aggressive. "Passive" as in accepting it and then "aggressive" as in reacting and becoming angry but instead assertive. I've done this and worked with people I know to achieve this. When they realize that they can't make me feel unhappy (of course if I really did something wrong I acknowledge it) then they stop because they realize they are just ranting into thin air. E-mail is best as I have physical difficulty speaking and with an e-mail I have time to compose my thoughts.

[LetaB]

  Try to think that I AM one of those....well, on the other hand I would not be sending you any hate mail but I do drive people out of my life with my quick wit (ahem) or extreme feelings about certain themes. I know I drove a permanent wedge between me and my EX sister-in-law a few weeks ago. I still feel I was in the right and I never cared for her very much any way but many people think what I said to her was inappropriate.. Oh, I'm blathering on here but I do believe that most BPs attract other BPS into their lives by their shared passions and then we find out that we drive each other batty. You are the ideal of careful, but intelligent, comments to everyone. You are full of compassion and kindness. It is so unfortunate that some inherently see your soft side as an opportunity to relieve their stress or, even worse, to treat you badly 'cause they know it hurts you more. Please don't deprive everyone of your sparkling personality. Keep sticking your nose out. You just have to maintain your sense of self appreciation and practice deep breathing. You're fantastic.

[Germur]

Hi Buldozer,

I tend to be the same as you, however, once I got a grip on my mood swings I found that people were being attracted to me now that my behavior was no longer erratic.  I have been blessed with a gift of decernment, so I am able to see into a persons heart and know what king of person they are almost immediately.  Therefore, I am picky about who to let in and which ones to avoid.  This has worked extremely well for me.

Even though there are a lot of mean and bad persons in our world does not mean that you have to avoid the entire planet.  Good friends that really, really care about you and will be there for you when you need help are great to have for all of us bp folks out there.

Take care and good wishes finding some new good friends!

[bernie40]

Thanks jst4.  I always feel like a right "s.u.c.k.e.r" when someone manages to get under my skin like that.

I try so hard to be sure I don't say something that's going to hurt someone's feelings.  Ok, I'm not perfect and I know that sometimes I do blurt it out before thinking but I just feel like the vast majority of folk don't treat me the way I treat them.

With close (supposedly) friends especially, I bite my tongue, that's what you do isn't it, or at least I thought so.  

I shall go back to how I used to be I think.  Stick to my long term friends and just not get too close to anyone else.  I shan't leave my online friends that i've already made but I think I'm going to be very wary of getting to close to anyone new.

I know exactly what you mean about thinking and re-thinking a conversation, I drive myself crazy with it, can't let it go.  Something that most people wouldn't think about twice and I'm still stressing over it a week later if not longer. grrr

Sorry you feel the same way but thanks for letting me know I'm not alone :-)

[jst4shanell]

I am very sensitive and decided not to make new friends as well.  To be honest, I just don't really like people.  There are some great people out there, but weeding them out is something that is not worth it to me.  I will talk to people online.  It's great.  Probably unhealthy but I do have healthy relationships with friends and family, so it's not like i'm cutting myself off from the world.  

I take everything everyone says to heart.  I can think it and rethink it till the comment no longer has it's original meaning.  I also really mirror people's moods.  I know everyone does this, but I think I do it more intensely than most.  I get upset when look at me weird, say something to someone else (paranoia), or just plain teases me.  So don't feel like it's just you.  I feel the same way.  People just p*ss me off in general.  I really think it's BP and personality