Cant stand these mood swings realization

[hell1971]

So I have finally come to the conclusion that the doctor is right, I have been reducing my medication to hopefully be med free but have not even got half way through and am now in a mixed state and feeling very frightened that I am soo reliant on medication. I am so scared, I have realized that I am probably going to have to stay on meds like the doctor has said for the rest of my life. I feel so disappointed in myself, I truley beleived that I was the exception that I was only mildly bp and that with self control I could beat it. I feel I have done this to myself and dont know what to do, I dont want to stay on the olanzapine because I have gained so much weight even though this has been the med that has been the most successful, I feel stupid, most of you warned me and I thought I was better. I am seeing my pdoc on tuesday and am really dissappointed that I have to start a new med with all the unknowns again. I have a big dinner to go to tonight and am dreading it, how am I going to cope I am crying at the slightest thing, then laughing like a hyena, right now I just want to give up, I dont think I can go through this again, I am so all over the place I feel like a freak.

[starbunny]

Deepie is right. I can certainly identify with what you are going through, I messed around with my meds because I did not like the side effects blah blah and ended up worse off. Many if not most of us have done it, which is why the advice was so strong for you not to go ahead. We thought we were the 'exception' and found out the hard way that we weren't.
At least you can say to yourself you tried. Perhaps you should write a journal of your feelings now and read it if you ever feel like ditching your meds again, as your memory is had a way of minimising things as time goes by.
I was in a similar position up/down felt like giving up and spent about a year of adjusting/changing medication until the right combo was found. I feel better now that I have in a long time and it's down to persevering until we got the right dose/combination of medication. It it can happen to you too I promise. :-)

[Csandnugget]

You will find the right combination, hang in there!

[hell1971]

Well that was short lived, 1.5days of feeling great and now my mood has plumeted, I dont think I can do this anymore, feel like giving up

[hell1971]

Well I saw my pdoc and and he has taken me off the olazapine and put me on an AD, with the epilim as a mood stabiliser, I was willing to try anything, amazingly the very next day I woke up feeling great no more depression I am amazed at the transformation.

[rogelio63]

I was considering doing the same thing, having wrong perceptions about what my wife was telling me regarding my medications, she didn't want me off them if they were helping me.  I never heard her say that.  Anyway, I'm still on my meds.  My new psychologist said that the kind of down days that I'm having now are more normal than my pre-medicine days, so I guess they're working.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Yes well you didn't have any way of knowing really until you tried.  I'm told by a doctor some people are able to stop taking meds for the time being if their life is relatively stress free and they have the right chemistry while others cannot and there's no way of knowing in advance.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  I would say focus entirely on working with your doctor ASAP to get this straightened out instead of letting some focus go to beating yourself up.  If the people are understanding enough, chances are they won't  be too hard on you for what you're going through.

[hell1971]

I cant help but know I have done this to myself, I went against all the advise I was given by the doc, my husband and everyone on here. I only had one person agree with my decision and now I have to suffer the consequences, I feel so fragile like im going to explode or fall to peices, things got really bad last year and this feeling is all too familiar, I just dont think I can go through this again. I hate myself for doing this, I should have been saticfied I was relativley stable and life was ok, now everything has gone pearshaped and I fear what I may do. My mood is changing by the hour, ping ponging around, im starting to feel the panick in myself, I cant cope like this and I have so many people relying on me, what if they dont tolerate me this time what if I loose everything.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Don't be so hard on yourself, it's an easier mistake to make than you would think.  It doesn't make you stupid or anything.  Maybe a new med was in order because of how you don't like the weight gain it caused.

[jimgreg]

yes i would rather be on the meds life..i been rapid cyling over A MONTH,,NEVER DID THIS BEFORE..UP 1 HOUR DOWN THE NEXT..ANYTHING CAN SET HYPO MANIC OR MANIC OFF...