I don't think I have MS and update on me

[addicted2harleys]

Hi, everyone-

Sorry I kind of disappeared there for awhile.  I have had so many things crop up on me in the last several weeks, all at the same time it seems....some good, some bad.

First off, the more I read and find out about the Polygrip stuff, the more I am sure that this is what has caused all of my problems.  I didn't go in for the blood test yet because of some other things that went on here, I had to put it on hold.  But, I am going in tomorrow for the test.  I am not sure that it will do me any good though, as in the last year I have cut down on my Polygrip use considerably because I am basically home-bound so why put my teeth in?  lol  I am unsure how this will affect my copper/zinc levels....so we will see.

I will definitely keep you all updated on that though, as it seems to be a pretty good MS mimic.  And, Fixodent still has zinc in their product and have no plans of taking it out.

The second bit of news I have is that I was FINALLY approved for SSI!  It took me 2 years to get it and three denials.  The great part of all this is that I am going to get a hefty check here soon....28 months worth!  I have to give my attorney $6000 but it will be well worth it as I couldn't have done it without her!

The first thing I am getting is a new vehicle.   We have a Ford Escort now.  My scooter doesn't fit into it well and it has to be taken apart to get it in.  Real pain for my 62 year old mom...even my wheelchair is heavy for her to put in the trunk.  So a new vehicle will be a Godsend.  I will be able to get out much more.

Another update...I got my referral for UCLA.  I have the doctor's name that I will be seeing, but not a date yet.  I do know that it won't be until at least Aug 31.  UCLA still needs a few things from my doc and from my insurance, then I will get my appointment date.

On a personal note, my 14 year old daughter is going through some big changes in her life.   Without going into the gory details, she was molested when she was 4 (yes, perp was convicted).  I *thought* she was dealing well with what had happened to her, but I was so very wrong.  And, she hides it so well.  ;0(

Almost two weeks ago she ran away.  Long story short, I found out she has been doing drugs and drinking and that she lost her virginity.  The police got involved (I called them) and she was found and brought home...after she was booked.  She will now be on probation.

My dad lived out in the middle of the desert here in CA.  When he found out about all this, he offered to take her for a while.  I agreed it may do some good...so he picked her up on Friday.  She will stay until Thursday.  I talked to her on the phone last night and she sounded like the *old* daughter again.  She wasn't full of anger and cockiness.  And, she is having a good time.

Please keep her in your prayers while she works through all of this.  And warm and gentle hugs so she can pick the right path to take at this fork in the road she is at.  Thank you.

Actually, I think that was all I wanted to say.  lol  I hope it is okay with everyone that I stay here at this forum.  You all have done wonders in helping me and I truly appreciate it.  And, over the last 6 years I have learned so much about MS, I feel like I still belong on this forum.  I hope you all feel the same.

Hugs to all,
Addi

[RedFlame]

Addi,

You realy have poured your heart out here and allowed yourself to be so transparent.  That takes so much strength and trust in us that we will be here for you!

You have really made a connection with your therapist, he really knows what he is doing based on the fact that you have already created a bond.  The addition of your mom and hopefully your daughter will be really good.  Does your therapist have ideas about how to get her there, even for one session?  Maybe to 'come and help you to understand'',

She is terrified and afraid that someone may actually see inside her to expose her.  She has so many walls up---she thinks that she is strong right now.  

I'm just hoping and praying that there will be a way for her to join you in therapy.  Maybe if she feels she is in control of it.  

I don't know what is available in Lompoc as far as a womens center, but there might be therapists there who have also been molested.  It's worth a try.  

Forgiveness is very, very hard work.  It is a painful process.  When I heard it was  your son my heart just dropped for you and your daughter.  What a terrible situation for all of you to be in, such incredible betrayal.  Most families do the opposite of what you have done, they tell the girl that she is lying in order to spare the son.  You have walked a hard road.  What a terrible choice!

It's a tragedy for both of you!!  Your life has been so difficult.  

Thank you for allowing us to support you and give ourselves to you Addi,  You are a loving and strong woman and I know everyone here cares very much for you.

WHen everyone wakes up this morning, they will see your post and rush to support you.

I am sending love to you

Red

[sllowe]

Addi,

Sorry to see this late. Wishing you well w/this nxt phase of the journey. Prayers are certainly in order for your girl and on their way up.

echoing you are always welcome here - we are the ultimate melting pot.

(((hugs)))
-shell

[Sparkysarah]

Thanks for your response Addi.

I cannot begin to understand what you have been through but can only say that you have been amazing and yes it feels like time to move on. You seem to have a very good understanding of feelings and emotions and also that the only person who you can change is yourself.

We cannot change someone else and if your daughter is nor ready or willing to pursue counselling it will not work.  You have also tried with your son and it sounds like he is not ever going to take responsibility for his actions and I feel that the decsion you have taken is for the best. Tough love is the hardest.

Stay with us Addi on this site you are as I said before you are one of us.

Much love

Sarah x

[addicted2harleys]

Thank you, Sarah.  You are absolutely right in everything you said.  You always seem to write so thoughtfully in all of your posts.  Yes, I am in counseling, too.  I started a few weeks ago to try and help me with acceptance.  I have never seen a male therapist before and wondered how this would work out, but it turns out that I really, really like this guy!  lol  In our last session we talked about my daughter and what has been going on and will continue down that road in our future sessions.  My acceptance can wait...my daughter can't.  He has offered to bring my daughter and my mother (whom I now live with) into the sessions, too, if I think it would be helpful.  I am thinking this may be a good option and will talk about it with him tomorrow.

My daughter is opposed to counseling.  She says she doesn't want to change who she is and doesn't trust therapist because they "just don't understand".  I am still pursuing the counseling angle with her, but unless she wants help, it will do no good and then I don't have a clue what I can do to help her.  

She also doesn't believe that anything that is going on is related to her early trauma.  I am researching on the net to see if I can find anything that she can read and maybe see that it most definitely is probably due to that.

I have not been able to forgive the perp.  I tried to and I think I could have if I saw that he was changing his ways or even remorseful.  He doesn't seem to be.  The worst part of it is that he happens to be my son.

My daughter tried forgiveness with him, too.  She wanted it.  But, it didn't work out there either and now she hates him all that much more.  

So we are just trying to move on.  I think I tried a little longer than most people would have on having some sort of a relationship with my son and trying to heal my family as a whole.  Last year I realized that this just wanted going to happen and it was time to let go.  So that is what I did and was when I got the Order of Protection.  While I still love him dearly and want the best for him, I cannot have him in my life.  This decision was so very hard to do, but it felt right and still does....so it must be.

Jess - I am bowing down the the monkey lover!  I will stay!  lol  Thanks for the support.  It means more than you know.

Hugs,
Addi

[lovemy6monkeys]

Addi,

I cannot imagine how tough this is for you and your daughter. You both will be in my prayers.

Also, I do not believe you are allowed to leave us! So, there you go. That is that. No more talk about leaving. I'm the boss and I said so. :-p

((hugs)) my friend.
~Jess

[Sparkysarah]

Hi Addi

This is a very moving and powerful post and just so full of trust, honesty and compassion from so many people.

I think that you deserve to award youself a best Mum award for helping your daughter through those difficult formative years and for being there for her. As they reach adolescence and start growing up, part of this includes beginning to take responsibilty for their actions...but this can be very difficult with such early trauma..

I think that everyone has shown tremendous understanding on this site and I was very moved by Kat's post which was also very brave.  I wondered if you have also considered talking to someone and having counselling (or if you have and I have missed it then apologies). It must be very hard when the person who abused your daughter is in the family. However perhaps you now just want to move on. One of the hardest things is asking yourself if you can forgive the person who did this terrible thing ...but for some people this is never possible.  All I know is that unresolved feelings tend to continue to niggle deep down and that for something to really shift, it helps to talk it through.

Enough for me, I echo eveyrone else's posts and am so glad that things are working our for you, and hang around with us..you are definitely one off us and have shown great compassion to many others.  Thanks for sharing everything with us.

Much love

Sarah xx

PS Your daugther will be in my prayers and so will you...you are doing a great job.

[addicted2harleys]

Thank you, all of you, for sharing your experiences, advise and words regarding my daughter.  I truly appreciate all of that was said.

I do believe that my daughter's "issues" right now have everything to do with her past coming back to her because she became sexual active.  I was afraid this would happen.  I *thought* I was watching for it.  

Also, her perp was a family member.  While I did turn him in and he was convicted, he did get out (served 4 years).  He also happened to be a minor so he did not have to register as a SA.  And, since he is family, we have run into him on occasion.  I do currently have an Order of Protection against him for my daughter.

I do believe in tough love.  Even now with me knowing what is causing my daughter to stray.  I have always taught her that every action has a reaction...whether it is a good one or a bad one.  She was sneaking out of her window....so I took her door and put a lock on her window.  She also lost her cell phone and computer privileged.

She is not allowed out of the house unless she is going somewhere with an adult I know and talk to that adult each time she leaves.  And no staying the night anywhere.

I sent her to my dad's to get her away from everything for a few days.  I think it has been good for her.  Then, we can start new when she comes back....with us each having a "fresh" head, per say.  Let the emotions simmer down a little.

She is in counseling again.  That was mandatory as far as I was concerned.  She is resisting a little but she is talking, so I think she will work through it.

I am also glad she is on probation.  Sad to say, but it may help me in guiding her in the right direction again.  School starts in 3 weeks.  I can keep her from the people she was hanging with while she is home, but she will be able to interact with them at school.  So, I need all the help I can get!

Frank - With your background I see that you know exactly what is going on here.  Thank you.

Kat - I am undiagnosed.  I have polyneuropathy and neuropathic muscular atrophy....but no "cause" of it.  It took me 2 years with an attorney to get an approval for SSDI and SSI, but I am really glad I stuck it out.  And I just found out that I get back pay starting when I got disabled...not when I filed.  I didn't know that.  So I get an extra year back pay than I thought.  If you decide to file for it, I strongly suggest getting an attorney...a private one, not the big company ones that you see on tv.  I tried them first and ended up firing them and going private.  What a difference that made.

Thanks again everyone.  I really am happy that I found this forum.  And I really do feel like I belong here.

Addi

[johnniebear]

Wow that's alot,  let me  just say as far as teenagers go, raising my boys sometimes really was a learning experience.   Good & bad..

You have to  do what you think is best, you only have on chance at raising her..

Tough Love ...... sometimes is the best Love...


John....

[torikat32]

Hi I know I dont respond to alot of post but I do read most and learn from most of them. !st off congrats on your disability approval hope that it works out for you with your plans . i Am afraid to apply for disability because of the wait and denials and right now no diagnosis. anyways I was molested as a child by a neighbor for 3 years this man took away my childhood till I was brave enough to tell someone. He was never convicted they said not enough evidence to convict. he stayed as my neighbor for a few more years then moved away.When I started dating my now ex husband who happen to be my neighbor as well  and we started having sex I started having nighmares and pushed him away as if he was the perpeutrator. I would actually feel nauseas when we did it it and just kept having flash backs of being molested. I went to counciling back when it happened and I believed that I was ok I can talk about it and everything. Perhaps your daughter is having the same issues since she has lost her virginity and she is acting out by drinking and drugs. when my oldest boy graduated from kindergarden and they had all the parents there well to my surprise when I walked into the cafeteria he was there he looked at me and I felt so small like i was 11 again apparently his granddaughter was in my sons classroom. and this was 15 years later. It never goes away its always in the back of your mind and certain things in your life may trigger those memories. He has now passed away and hopefully he went straight to hell I found out I wasnt the only one in the neighborhood that he has done this too. sometimes I wish that these memory problems would take that memory away and i woolndt be able to trecall them. Best of luck with your daughter and if you need to talk you can email me at ***@****

Kat
p.s sorry for typos brain is fastrer then the hands

[Csativa]

Hi Addi,

Whether or not you have MS is irrelevant.  As Lulu said, you are a part of the community and belong here.  I'm glad to hear about your disability being approved.  It's just one less thing to worry about.  Also good to hear that you are getting close to your UCLA appointment being worked out.  

I'm so sorry to hear the news about your daughter.  As you well know, its such a tragic event both for a child and parent(s).  You said you thought she was dealing with it.  I know it's easy to say, but try not to be so hard on yourself.  I've seen it so many times in my career as a CPS worker.  After years of seemingly doing well, there comes a time when children begin to experience problems.  And much of the time it begins during adolescence. Being a teenager as we all know all too well, is a difficult time in and of itself.  Add a traumatic event only intensifies the emotions that a teen has to deal with.  

Are you considering therapy for her?  Finding the “right” therapist can be difficult, not unlike the difficulty we all have experienced with neurologists.  But a good therapist/psychologist can make a world of difference.  From what you have written now and in the past, it sounds like you have a great relationship with her and you are obviously the one who will be instrumental in walking this path with her and pointing to the right road.  

And yes, you and she are in my thoughts and prayers.

Wishing the best for you and your family.

Frank

[shermay]

Hi Addi,

What can I say, other than PEASE STAY, we will all miss you so much, once your here that's it:)) no going back :)

Sorry to hear about your daughter though, children are so good at hiding their pain, so you HAVE to stick around to tell us what happens Ok??

Congrats. on getting your disability allowance.

Debs xx

[Inny2009]

Wow, you have been through alot havent you! Your daughter is in my prayers and i hope she finds peace! Congratulations with the SS!!!! That is really awesome that you will be able to get a different car and that it will help you!

Btw- You do not need to feel guilty, you did what you could do and what you thought was best for your child. Your daughter seems like she just strayed down the wrong path, letting her go to your dads and restarting counseling is a great start! Dealing with those kind of emotions is going to be hard for your daughter and yourself but it will get better!

She might have thought she was old enough now that she didnt have to ask you for help (just a thought),. Make sure everyone needs help once in awhile at any age and that you will continue to be there for her as you have been.

Yes, please stay here on this forum! You definitely belong :)

Your in my thoughts and prayers! Good luck and please keep us posted!

Inny

[addicted2harleys]

Thanks, Lulu.  I hope I am doing right by my daughter, too.  I just feel so d a m n guilty for not seeing her pain.  If I could have seen it earlier, then maybe it wouldn't have turned into what it has now.  It is all so fresh right now.  I always wondered if her past would catch up to her...I hoped it wouldn't.  But, now that it has, no time than the present to help her work through it.

Red - Thanks for the note.  ;0)  I promise to stick around.  I am hoping to get a mini van and be able to get a ramp put in or something.  I have been checking into it.

Back when my daughter was 4 I opted for no counseling at the time.  Long story on that, but I decided that at such a tender age, the wrong kind of therapist could actually do some damage.  So, I chose to help her myself.  And, I did a wonderful job of it, if I do say so myself.  My daughter has never had a problem talking to people about what happened to her because I made sure to drill in her that it wasn't her fault and that it wasn't something to hide and/or hide from.

I think it cropped back up because boys have come into her life now.  I wondered how this stage of life would affect her.  Last year she asked for counseling and I got it for her.  She only went to about 7 sessions and it seemed to help her a little.  

I guess I figured that since she asked for it then, if she needed help again she would ask.  This time she didn't.  ;0(

Yes, counseling was started back up.  She had her first session last week.  The woman comes here, which is nice.  Hopefully Baylee will open up to her.  She is very angry right now.

Thanks again,
Addi

[RedFlame]

WOW!  You really have been busy with so many stressors and some good things too!

First----It doesn't matter what you call this disease.  You are on the same path with all of us here.  You have the same symptoms and are going through the process of this illness.  You may have a different 'tag' but you are in imporant part of this community.

I miss you when you are gone.  I know you have been too busy recently, but please don't leave us.

Congratulations on your SSI finally going through.  The only good thing about the long wait is all the cash they have to pay up front.  It will be wonderful to get a vehicle for you wheelchair and/or scooter.  Now that you have SSI you may be able to get some help with outfitting a van for a lift.  But that's down the road.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.  I'm so sorry that she was molested!!!  It's just horrible.  Do you already have her in therapy?  Since she is 'acting out' so much it would a real help for her.  She can talk freely and get support.  Puberty is tough and the molestation raising it's head makes it more difficult.

Maybe some time away out in the middle of nowhere will be grounding for her.  I will pray for her.

I hope your path as far as the medical will become more obvious as you introduce new tests and doctors.

((((Hugs))))

Red

[Lulu54]

Addi,
you definitely belong here, even if you don't have MS.  You are still one of us!

My best wishes to your daughter in her road to recovery - this is a tough one to get over and it sounds like you are taking the right steps with her.  

Congrats on getting the SSI approved - what a long haul to get there. Remember is you were getting disability from a job they will be wanting some or all of their money back when you get that big check.  

Stay in touch and not away so long the next time, ok?  Good luck with everything coming your way ,  Lulu