My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[creamcracker]

It does help to see that other people are in the same kinds of situations, it doesn't stop the heartbroken feelings but somehow it is giving me some kind of comfort. I heard a very  good piece of a few days ago... focus on the people in your life who return your love without the drama....it might help...

[lonely45]

I understand how you feel. My heart is broken. My son's wife worked a long time to remove him from our live. She has now managed her goal. He will not talk to us - email, or respond to emai's . I am currently trying to not think of him. How do I do that. Yes I am now angry with him. I have tried everything. Cute e -cards, letters, nothing works. Last week I finally sent a Good Bye I will miss you e-card , with a few short sentences saying I would leave him alone. What was his response - Thank You.  This is not the loving child I raised. He had always been loving and caring to his parents. Did we spoil him - I know now we did. I guess in order to keep peace at home he has to keep us out of his life. I have much more I could write,, maybe later. The tears are starting - I am so tired of crying over something I can't fix.
lonely45

[Madoozie]

I just Googled "My Son Hates Me" in the hope that i might find some help for how deeply I am hurting, and viola...lookie here...oh ...I am NOT the only one...Thank you all for your stories...right now I am hurting too much that I just can not write mine yet, though I certainly am relating to most of yours...and I will certainly be able to write my own one day too...
I hope you are all coping with your pain and I hope that some have improved ?

[Fiorello]

One thing we should all watch out for with these kids is drug use, and I mean drugs supposedly as benign as Marijuana.

First of all, today's marijuana isn't what it was when we were younger, it is much more potent. My son was a very heavy pot smoker and I truly believe that many of his problems are related to pot use.

[tots58]

So true I tried to help my son the only thing that came of it was a kick in the ***. I thought I was trying to help him get out of an abusive relationship but he went back to it. Now he does not speak to me.He lives in the same complex as me and their is no communication with him. What a waste of my time.You are not alone . I am sorry to say.Go on with your life . tz

[tots58]

So true I tried to help my son the only thing that came of it was a kick in the ***. I thought I was trying to help him get out of an abusive relationship but he went back to it. Now he does not speak to me.He lives in the same complex as me and their is no communication with him. What a waste of my time.You are not alone . I am sorry to say.Go on with your life . tz

[hunterq]

There is a reason that most animals push there young away as soon as they are weaned.  I have been reading this and see my own situation in so many of these postings.  It's funny when everyone around you, (including my son's friends) tell you what a great parent you are, and your son hates you and blames you for everything in his life eventhough you have spent literally tens of thousands of dollars getting him out of the situations that he has created.  I can honestly say that my son has never wanted for anything materially or emotionally in his life.  His mother and I have always stood behind him no matter what he has done, me even more so than his mom, and I think therein lies the problem.  What we thought of as unconditional love, seems to have turned into enabling.  I see him breaking his Mother's heart, and I haven't backed her up when I should have in her attempts to try to make him more responsible.  That is on me.  What I can say is  that he is 26 years old, and I think I am ready to let go.  I believe my wife is the most wonderful loving person I have ever met and I am tired and ashamed of making her feel like the bad guy in trying to deal with a grown man who is nothing more that a self endulgent spoiled brat. At 60 years old I want my wife and I to have the life we deserve after a lifetime of working and spending every waking moment trying to emotionally and financially trying to support a child who gives nothing but derision and loathing in return.  At 26 years old, if he cannot take responsibility for his own actions, then there is nothing that we can do, and allowing him to destroy us emotionally isn't helping the situation.  I will always love him because he is my child, but I refuse to allow him to continue to hurt my wife and me like this.  I don't claim that we were perfect parents, like anyone we have made our share of mistakes, but at the same time I know alot of other people, some of them his friends who would have gladly traded places with him.