Can't Go Much Longer

[LittleEd]

I was diagnosed with Grave's over two years ago. The racing heart (machine gun) and goiter were the first signs, but then came anger. I was put on Endurol (?) and Tapazole and after each blood test the doctor decreased my dose. I could feel symptoms coming back but she kept saying the test results were OK. Early on I was wrestless all the time and hungry. Couldn't stop or rest. Eventually she took me completely off the medicine. Within a couple months I was rushed to the hospital because one morning my heart was about to explode and I dialed  911. (I actually felt like it was stopping, but it was going so fast they couldn't even get a pulse at first.. until they shot me with some stuff on the ambulance.) I was there a couple days... went through all sorts of stuff and drugs... and my heart settled down after they gave me some of the Tapazole I used to take... and now I take Xanax also... For a time before the ambulance call, a doctor had me on Paxil for mood swings... but I took myself off of that since it seemed to be making me worse. I actually think the Paxil combined with atenolol caused my heart problem a month ago and now I'm mad about how the docs caused me to have another bill I will never be able to pay.

Now I'm on 40 mg of Tapazole but I am tired, hopeless and depressed... It gets BAD. When I'm not down, I'm upset and irritated and BITTER about life. I sometimes feel like I hate all living things. I'd been suspended from work for my anger and I've been sent to shrinks a couple times... To be honest with you folks, I want to die. I can't go on like this. I thought the doctor was going to shut the thyroid down... It's killing me and I can't do these drugs much longer. Do I really have Graves? My symptoms seem much worse than Graves although I still have a goiter and diarrhea in the mornings. (She said I don't have nodules.) I have severe RAGE, uncontrollable emotions and deep, dark depressions. I can change in minutes. But I just can't do it much longer. The goiter is still there and many nights I feel like I'm choking to death. That's usually when the palpitations are worse also--right after I lay down. I absolutely hate my life and everything about it. I can't even do my job any more. Can you offer suggestions? I know women get this more often, but I'm a male in my late 30s.

I changed endocronologists and the new one is already passing me onto someone else who is supposed to give me the radio-iodine... My regular doctor won't even see me any more. Will I be like this long after they kill it? I can't afford to be.

[mirabella45]

oh I am sorry you feel so bad. I just started taking Methimazole and I do feel better. I was pushed off having depression at first.  Hang in there.  This will get better for you.. I also hated alot of things. Talk to people... We will all listen here

[lilypad300]

i'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through.
i have graves and i had a large goiter, racing heart, tremors and all of the other things that went along with a graves diagnosis.  i know where you're coming from.
i went for the surgery and had my thyroid removed, it's an adjustment, but i'm happy to say that most of my former symptoms are gone.
if you have any questions or simply want to vent send me a message anytime.

hang in there. . .with treatment, it will get better.

[LittleEd]

I forgot to add that I lost weight again. I never weighed much to begin with but now I'm only 109 lbs. I used to be hungry a lot but now no appetite and feel sick when I eat.  

[Shari4]

Hi Ed :)

I'm Shari.  Welcome to the Forum.  Hang in there, please.  Many people on here have been in similar situations.  You are not alone.  You definately sound like you have Grave's/Hyperthyroid, and it need to be treated correctly.  When is your next Endo Appointment?  Do you have any blood tests that you can post for us to read??  Please stay here with us and chat awhile!!!

Sincerely,
Shari

[Shari4]

ED?  Where did you go???

[LittleEd]

I don't even keep those papers, but I was told I was "off the charts" the first time and this last time, before getting back on the meds... I was "very, very hyper." I went to a different doc because the other one acted like she was pushing me away. She has too many patients, I think.

[mirabella45]

Why havent they done anything about your goiter?   Have you looked at other endo's in your area.  Maybe go out of the area.

[Shari4]

Whew, Ed.  I'm glad you replied.  You should get a copy of your results.  It will help us help you.  Rule #1.  Most Endos suk.  Especially your first Endo.  They all have too many patients because there are many diabetics, and most Endos specialize in that, not Thyroid.  You need a Thyroid Specialist.  Did you have any scans or ultrasounds or sonograms???  When is your next appointment with this new Endo??

[LittleEd]

I am supposed to see the third specialist next week... He is in Madeira, Ohio... The second doctor directed me to him because he handles the iodine stuff....or whatever...and the other two are just pill doctors... From what I read, though, it sounds like the "ablation" (?) might not be the end of it... I just hate whatever this disease is.

[LittleEd]

I've had all kinds of scans and tests and "uptake" things done... over and over...

[mirabella45]

Okay next week is good!!  Im pretty new here too. But there are many people here which are very educated on this thyroid stuff... You should already be relieved..these people care and will listen to you.

[Shari4]

Dear Ed:

You don't have any of your test results at all?  It's okay if you don't, but they would be helpful.  I'm glad you have an appointment next week.  Try to remain calm and just type away on this forum.  We are here.  We will listen.  

[LittleEd]

Since I don't know any of you... I can admit... Even though most men don't cry...or don't want to admit they have... I have cried a lot lately... I would never say this to a woman face to face... but this is the Internet... I hate these feelings... I have to go off to the bathroom at work so no one sees... I broke down at my folks' place tonight when they asked how I am... I'm just glad I'm a man, because I can't imagine a woman with menstrual problems and kids, etc., dealing with something like this on top of that...

I appreciate the concern... Nice to know that folks understand... even women.

[Shari4]

Aww, Ed.

Did you tell your parents what is happening?  You need some support.  Are you closed with your family???

[mirabella45]

Hey there...There is no shame in crying... Yes I have done alot of that tooo!!  The methimazole has been helping alot.. Your body is just crazy right now... YOU WILL get better,

[LittleEd]

Yes, my folks know all about it... My stepdad has cancer and is in better shape than I am... I'm a bachelor...no kids either... It's probably best that way, because I can't even hardly live with myself much less others.. I almost lost my job twice... because of anger outbursts directed at mainly management... Went through suspensions... Some co-workers helped save my job... but the counseling and shrink dope didn't help...  

[mirabella45]

Hmmm  try to direct your  anger towards something else.. Like a hobby..or FISHING yeah love fishing...Just yell or scream into a pillow or outside.. you only make yourself feel worse by yelling at someone

[Shari4]

Please try to relax, Ed.  You have to keep calm, because stress only makes it worse.  Are you on any anxiety medication?  I can really help....

[Shari4]

I meant *it* can really help.  Ed, I need to go to bed.  We'll talk tomorrow :)

[LittleEd]

I've been on some meds... but they are still looking for the right one... I don't want to keep eating Xanax....

[lilypad300]

before my surgery, when i was at my worst, my irritability was overwhelming.  i would snap at people for little or no reason. . .if i got hot in a restaurant, i could ruin the evening for everyone in seconds flat. . .i understand the anxiety, anger and everything else that comes with graves. . .but again, with the proper treatment, it gets better.  i promise.
keeping looking for an endo. . .who gets it, they're out there.
have you thought of surgery as an alternative to the RAI?

[AR-10]

Hey Ed,

I'm 52, I think, and I haven't worked since last September. I've been where you have been and I'm living on Alprasolam(xanax).

I went two years of having periods of depression and feelings of futility and wanting to die. And crying at margarine commercials on TV at the dinner table. I hate TV at the dinner table, but I digress...

Some days I'd cry a dozen times for little reason.
Some days I couldn't even get out of bed to shower.

All the symptoms, all the life changing aspects, all the financial problems, all the "who the h*ll is going to fix me?".

It gets better. Finding a good doctor is hard. Once you find one, things get better in a hurry.

[utahmomma]

Ed,

AR-10 knows of what he speaks!  We've decided his wife has put up with so much from him that she deserves sainthood.

Seriously, AR has been to he// and back with thyroid problems and, yeah, that guy cries sometimes too (when he's not just irritating his wife or the women on the forum).  :-)

We're all here for you.

Hang in there.

[ChitChatNine]

WELCOME TO THE COMMUNITY!  C~